Stage II Breast Cancer and How the Medical Field and Chemo Killed my Wife

By Mario E. Arriaga

My wife, Ana Katherine Arriaga, was diagnosed with stage II breast cancer on September 16, 2014.  She passed away on November 17, 2015.  She died one year, and two months after her diagnose. She was only 45 years of age. Her mother, on the other hand, survived this deadly disease. How is it that the mother survived and the child didn't? The circumstances of her death were very suspicious to me.  

 

After her passing, I dedicated two years of my life uncovering the truth about her death.  This book is the culmination of my two-year quest and the results shocked me. I promise, it will shock you to.  Why would the medical field do what they did to a lady with cancer? I hope to expose the reasons for their behavior.

 

How many more have experienced this situation?  How many more will in the future?  Being that breast cancer is one of most common types of cancers; this could happen to anybody. 

 

Worst of all was to find out that the medical field is invulnerable.  I couldn't sue them, after her death.  No lawyer would take my case.  

 

From the very beginning of my wife's treatment; we were victims of gross negligence, lies, and misinformation.  My wife was denied PET scans, CAT scans several times even though we requested these tests. She was neglected, lied to, pushed aside and treated so poorly that we had to look for another hospital to treat her. When we finally found it and she was admitted; the tests performed indicated that it was too late to save her. 

 

This book tells the factual events, with photos, documents and images of everything that we went through. Some photos are detailed and graphic. May not be suitable for everyone.  If you are sensitive to this, please do not read this book. I really must warn you. This book is NOT for the faint of heart.

 

Sadly, this written account is all genuine. It really happed to my wife.

 

It is not the dying that I object to, we will all die sooner or later.  It is the manner of her death that I rebel against.

 

If you decide to purchase and read this book; I personally welcome you to our nightmare!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mario E. Arriaga
• Release date: Mar 14, 2021
• ISBN: 9781393728047

Book preview

This book is dedicated to my beloved wife: Ana Katherine Arriaga

04/19/1970 - 11/17/2015 – 45 years of age

May your heroic sacrifice and pain not be forgotten.

May you rest with the angels and next to God.

Now that you are forever silenced; I will be your voice.

May almighty God grant me the power to make your voice thunderous!

––––––––

To laugh often and much;

to win the respect of the intelligent people

and the affection of children;

to earn the appreciation of honest critics

and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better

whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;

to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation;

to know that even one life has breathed easier because you lived...

This is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Even though I feel like a failure...

This picture was taken on July 10, 2014; 2 months before she got diagnosed...

I think my wife was gorgeous.

If I only knew back them what I know now...

My classy lady

...I remember

When I was in college back in 1985; I took a class called: Risk taking in the Business World I remember the professor opening up the class with the following statement: In a Risk-Free Environment, a business shouldn’t be concerned about risk... Upon hearing his statement, I remember chuckling and acting perplexed.  The professor quickly pointed a finger at me and said the following:

Mr. Arriaga. You seem to find my statement funny.  Is there something you’d like to share with your class mates?

To which I replied: Sorry professor but you mention a RISK FREE ENVIRONMENT" in business.  Is there such a thing?  Could you give us an example where a business is free of risk?  Does such an industry even exist?"

Now the professor looked perplexed and couldn’t give me an example of a risk-free industry.  He knew I had him cornered and he just simply dismissed the argument by saying: "I am talking of a HYPOTHETICAL environment.  I cannot find a single industry that is free of risk."

The professor resumed his class, but I never forgot this.

Now that my wife is dead.  I would like to inform that professor that I finally found that risk-free industry. 

It actually exists!

An industry where you can royally fuck-up and don’t face the consequences of your acts.  An industry that allows you to COVER-UP and AMEND the records in order to keep yourself and the industry in business as if nothing ever happened.  

That industry is the MEDICAL FIELD.

I guess that if you live long enough you get to see it all.

I finally found it!

PROLOGUE -AN IRONY

(Written 06/08/2016 10:24 pm)

I just watched a documentary about a DC-9 airplane crash that happened on May 11, 1996.  A passenger airplane went down in flames into the Everglades eleven minutes after taking off from the Miami airport.  A fire in the cargo compartment caused by improperly stored expired chemical oxygen generators was the cause. 

On the plane there were one-hundred and five passengers, two pilots and three flight attendants.

In total, there were one-hundred and ten people on board. 

None of them survived the crash.

The documentary shows you how the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) and the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) joined forces with the Navy and local law enforcement agencies to investigate the cause of the crash. 

There were lots of people at the crash site trying to find out the cause of the accident.

Because of the location of the crash, the Everglades, the NTSB called it: ...the most difficult scene that they have ever encountered for the recovery of an aircraft.

The marshland is covered with dense sawgrass that can cut exposed skin on touch, infested with alligators, poisonous spiders, snakes, lime-disease carrying ticks, malaria-carrying mosquitos and there was a high risk of bacterial infection from the waters. The divers even wore special diving suits to protect their skin from fuel and hydraulic fluid in the water. They even had armed men guarding the divers with rifles ready to shoot at the alligators!

Recovery of the aircraft and victims was made extremely difficult by the location of the crash. The nearest road of any kind (dirt road) was more than a quarter mile away from the scene, and the location of the crash itself was a deep-water swamp.

Even though the Everglades is a swamp; the water actually flows and experiences low and high tides.  This water movement made it a lot more difficult to locate important things such as the black boxes.

It's very murky, said Metro-Dade Fire Lieutenant Luis Fernandez. There's an eerie silence around there.

The safety board has extensive experience recovering debris from deep water, but less so from swampy muddy waters.

In the documental, (you can watch it on YouTube) you can see how all these agencies coordinated their efforts and risk life and limb to pull the wreckage from the swamp.  They finally recovered body parts, plane parts and voice recorders. 

From the passengers and the pilots; they were only able to recover pieces of bones, flesh and jaw-bones!  Apparently, the alligators had eaten the rest. 

Who was at fault for the crash?

Federal officials said weather was not a factor. Toxicology test were not able to be conducted on the few remains found of one of the pilots, a jaw bone. The remains of the other pilot were never found.

As a result of their investigation the guilty parties were found. The NTSB report placed responsibility for the accident on three parties.

A federal grand jury indicted Value Jet Airlines, some other commercial companies, a maintenance supervisor and two mechanics.

Just before the federal trial, a Florida grand jury indicted the company responsible for the maintenance of the plane one-hundred and ten counts of manslaughter and one-hundred and ten counts of third-degree murder: one for each person who died in the crash.

Preventing this type of event from happening again.

In February 1998, the FAA issued revised standards requiring all Class D cargo holds to be converted by early 2001 to Class C or E; these types of holds have additional fire detection and suppression equipment. Smoke detectors in the cargo holds can alert the flight crew of a fire long before the problem becomes apparent in the cabin, and a fire suppression system buys valuable time to land the plane safely.

Thus, making flying on a plane safer for all of us!

****

Now that my wife has passed away...

As I watched this documentary, the irony of the whole thing hit me so hard.

1,685,210 new cases of cancer and 595,690 cancer deaths are projected to occur in the United States in 2016. 

In 2016, about 595,690 Americans are expected to die of cancer, or about 1,632 people per day. These figures are according to the American Cancer Society.

Cancer is the second most com­mon cause of death in the US, exceeded only by heart disease, and accounts for nearly 1 of every 4 deaths.  Pretty soon cancer will surpass heart disease.  It has been forecasted.

There is NO ONE investigating the reason for so many deaths.  Why?

The government throws countless resources to investigate one hundred and ten (110) passengers who died in a crash.  As a result, new rules and regulations are imposed in order to protect lives.

Why is the government more willing to deploy such a massive amount of resources and manpower to investigate a crash that killed one hundred and ten people in the everglades and not for the thousands dying of cancer every year?

****

I investigated my wife’s death from cancer and the results shocked me.  

I promise, it will shock you to.

I promise, you will not be disappointed once you see my findings in this book.

Chapter 1. SHE HAD 93% CHANCE OF SURVIVAL

(Written 08/13/2016 - 11:36 PM)

Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.  Gautama Buddha

My wife, Ana Katherine Arriaga, was diagnosed with stage II breast cancer on September 16, 2014.  She passed away on November 17, 2015.  She died one year, and two months after her diagnose. She was only 45 years of age.

The circumstances of her death were very suspicious to me. 

After her passing, I dedicated two years of my life uncovering the truth about her death. 

This book is the culmination of my two-year quest.

****

My wife had a 93% chance of survival!

It is on the American Cancer Society website. This is what I extracted from their website:

URL:http://www.cancer.org/cancer/breastcancer/detailedguide/breast-cancer-survival-by-stage

5-year relative survival rates for breast cancer by stage. The outlook for women with breast cancer varies by the stage (extent) of the cancer. In general, the survival rates are higher for women with earlier stage cancers. But remember, the outlook for each woman is specific to her circumstances.

The five-year relative survival rate for women with stage 0 or stage I breast cancer is close to 100%.

For women with stage II breast cancer, the five-year relative survival rate is about 93%.

The five-year relative survival rate for stage III breast cancers is about 72%. But often, women with these breast cancers can be successfully treated.

Breast cancers that have spread to other parts of the body are more difficult to treat and tend to have a poorer outlook. Metastatic, or stage IV breast cancers, have a 5-year relative survival rate of about 22%. Still, there are often many treatment options available for women with this stage of breast cancer.

But my wife was dead in a little over a year!

What stage do you really need to be to survive this disease?  I don’t understand it!

93% chance of survival...that is almost perfect! 

It is only 7% shy of 100%!

That is a staggering chance of making it beyond five years.

How would you feel if you were told that you had stage II breast cancer and that you had a 93% chance of survival?  93% chance of beating the disease.  You would probably feel pretty confident; wouldn’t you? The odds are in your favor! 

That is the way my wife and I felt when she was diagnosed with stage II breast cancer. We felt very confident. 

Her mother was also diagnosed with breast cancer and her mother survived it three times!  If her mother had survived it, so could my wife. Logically with a 93% chance.

If a stock broker goes to Wall Street and he finds out that a certain stock has a 93% probability of making it big on a given day, wouldn’t he do something about it?  What do you think the stock broker would do?

Would he:

A)  Buy the stock?

B)  Sell the Stock?

C)  Remain neutral?

Of course, the answers is obvious.  A) He would BUY and buy big.

With that probability; the winnings could be phenomenal!

If you had the money and had this tip.  What would you do?  Would you classify these odds as being staggeringly in your favor?

Even if the prediction is wrong, and the stock actually yields only an 80% return on your investment.  Would you be unhappy with 80%?  I wouldn’t.  I would jump up and down with joy!

Well, someone, from the medical field, would intercede and correct me by telling me that my comparison is wrong.  That cancer and probability analysis have nothing to do with each other.

Really? I already heard that response before. Heard it from my wife’s doctors. But everybody knows that the whole world revolves around probability!

Insurance companies operate basically on probabilities. The Stock Market uses probability analysis all the time.  The safety features in your vehicle are designed based on probability. 

The USA has placed a man on the moon and soon one in Mars utilizing probability. 

The world around us is a big game of chance!

Medicine is not?  You mean to tell me that the 93% on their website really does not mean 93%?

Apparently, that was the consensus with my wife’s doctors.

When my wife’s doctors realized that they prescribed the wrong cure for her and her cancer had spread all over because of their mistake; that is when all their lying and covering-ups really started. 

That was when percentages and cancer staging didn’t mean a thing to them. Then is when my wife and I were told that "staging was just a number and they didn’t put a lot of stock in to it".

That was the time when everything we were being told were misleading lies and mis-information. 

That was the time when they literarily abandoned and neglected my wife. When they found they had fucked her up.  When her cancer had spread all over her body and they could not stop it with their chemo, with their WONDER drugs; they started to lie to us.

It has taken me two years of my life to find out that chemo was the cause of her death.

All of the doctors raved about their wonder drugs, none of them ever told us that chemo could also kill her.

My wife and I believed in the doctors, now my wife is dead.  How is this so?

But no one doctor has ever explained why my wife died so soon.  In just a year and two months after her first diagnosis.

Her death certificate reads that the cause of her death was breast cancer. Yes, I agree she died of cancer; but chemo and the neglect of the medical field accelerated her death.  I will show this to the reader in this book.

But her mom is alive!

But her mom survived breast cancer three times!  How is this so? Her mom is in her seventies her daughter is dead at forty-five.

Am I wrong on assuming that chemo caused my wife’s death?   Chemo, the doctor’s negligence and their lies; what a fatal combination.

In all honesty, Chemo is just an instrument.  Just one of the many at the doctor’s disposal.  Just like a scalpel.  In the hands of a good surgeon a scalpel can save a life.  The same scalpel in the hands of a clumsy surgeon can kill a patient.  There are good doctors and there are bad doctors; that is what I think.

My thoughts are, if you are bad doctor, what business do you have working on people?  Why you are even allowed to be a doctor in the first place?  Why do you even have a license? 

If a pilot of a jetliner has placed the lives of the passengers at risk by his/her failure to follow well established rules and regulations. If sufficient proof is found of his/her negligence; he or she will be dealt with swiftly and severely. His/her pilot license will be revoked and possibly will face imprisonment.  His or her career is over, no questions asked.  He or she has been found to be incompetent and must be stripped of everything.  Ruining his/her career including their reputation.

Does this happen in the medical filed?  Can a doctor lose his/her license for malpractice? For negligence? Very un-likely.

My experience in my wife’s case indicates that NO; that does not happen.

After her death; I couldn’t even sue my wife’s doctors for malpractice. Their own colleagues protected and sheltered them. All while the government is turning a blind eye on the medical field as a whole.  The doctor’s reputation is thoroughly protected and they are free to continue doing what they do best. 

It is people like my wife, the ones who suffer the consequences of their incompetence. 

It is people like me, the ones who are tricked into believing what they tell you when a loved one dies under their care:

So sorry Mr. Arriaga but we did the best we could do for your loved one, sorry we couldn’t save her. Now she has to go into hospice and die

Is the 93% chance of survival on their own website a misprint?  Shouldn’t that be amended to reflect the truth? 

...93% chance of survival...that is almost perfect!  It is only 7% shy of 100%! That is a staggering chance of even making it beyond five years.

How would you feel if you were told that you had stage II breast cancer and have a 93% chance of survival?  That you have 93% chance of beating the disease.  And how would you feel if someone came and snatched it away from your hands? 

How would you feel?

How do you think I feel?  The surviving husband. 

How do I feel now that I witnessed my wife’s slow demise? That I had to enter her into hospice, put her down like a dog, had her cremated and to miss her every single day.

How do you think I feel? Knowing that the odds WERE in her favor!  Not able to comprehend what the hell just happened to my wife?  Not really knowing what killer her.

How do you think I feel? 

What do you think my opinion is now about the medical field?  What do you think my conclusion is about what they did to my wife?

Did they kill her? Was this a case of gross negligence? 

If this is so, is our case unique? 

How many more cases like ours are out there?

This is a very scary thought. Very scary.

How many more people die like her?

My ignorance, fear and my blind trust on the medical field prevented my type A personality from helping my loved one. Preventing my instinct to guide me, as it has always done, into success no matter the odds. 

Yes, I was borne with a gift, I have a sixth sense.  The gift of prophecy for lack of a better definition.

I never tell this to people because they always think I am crazy and that I heard voices. 

I call my gift, my instinct, my inner voice. 

We ALL have this gift.  Some more developed than others. 

This inner instinct makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end when you feel danger or when you meet someone odd.  You feel a certain unease about that person you just met.  You have a funny feeling about him/her. 

My gift is the same but multiplied by a hundred.

Since it relates to this book, I will disclose it to the public. Yes, my instinct warned me many times and I suppressed it.

With catastrophic results for my wife.

My instinct has been always there steering my life. Always maximizing the chances of an outcome. 

This was the only time I chose to brush it aside. 

The one and only time I chose to ignore it, to trust in the experts; and my wife dies! 

How do I make sense of this?  How do I reconcile this?

A 93% chance of survival.  You could almost win the lottery with those odds.

Not according to the doctors.

I know that my wife is now dead.  

That there is nothing I can do to bring her back. Nothing I do today will undo the past. 

She belongs now to my yesterday.

She belongs now to my past and she will forever remain there. 

In a corner of my sad soul.

If this book ever gets published, if it ever makes it to print, I know that it will create controversy. It will create a storm of debate and controversy like there has never been one.  Just like the storm thundering in my head right now.

The only thing I do hope is that this controversy be a catalyst for positive changes in the future.

****

Now I am looking through her medical records and finding out the mess the doctors did with her.  Now that I am exposing them to the world.  I know they will come back with all kinds of spins to my findings.  I know they will defend themselves and try to find fault with my book.  Find some fault with me, with my wife. 

They will probably place the blame on us.  This is called blaming the victim.

I know they will try that, I am fully aware. But I can assure you, that I am being as truthful in all my statements as I can be. 

The events in this book really happened.

I am NOT manufacturing anything to make me or my wife appear heroic in any way. 

After her death; I tried to seek justice for my wife by contacting several lawyers, but no lawyer would take my case.  So I couldn’t get justice to help me.

Anyway, everyone knows that justice is a whore.  She sells her favors to the highest bidder.

I had no money and I could not afford her.

Instead I will plead my case to her twin sister; truth.

Truth is often naked and brutally honest.

That is the problem with the truth, especially for "them".  

Truth is like a diamond.  No matter how much B.S. you pile on top of it; in the end: ...there it is!  Clear, crystalline and pure.

The truth will become my spear and my shield.  

I will use it to attack and I will use it to defend me and my wife from their attacks.  And I know that the truth will give me victory in the end. 

That’s all I have left in my life.

My purpose is NOT to deceive the reader or to smear the medical field by manufacturing lies. 

I have a bigger problem than seeking out revenge. I have a moral problem that is bothering me tremendously. A problem that keeps me awake at night. My problem is the following: 

Do you the reader have a wife, a sister, a daughter a female friend, or a mom? 

Are you, the reader, yourself a woman?

I don’t mean to scare anyone but, is the reader aware of the following facts?

According to the American Cancer Society

URL:http://www.cancer.org/cancer/breastcancer/detailedguide/breast-cancer-key-statistics

What are the key statistics about breast cancer?

Breast cancer is the most common cancer among American women, except for skin cancers. About 1 in 8 (12%) women in the US will develop invasive breast cancer during their lifetime.

Current year estimates for breast cancer

The American Cancer Society's estimates for breast cancer in the United States for 2015 were:

About 246,660 new cases of invasive breast cancer will be diagnosed in women.

About 61,000 new cases of carcinoma in situ (CIS) will be diagnosed (CIS is non-invasive and is the earliest form of breast cancer).

About 40,450 women will die from breast cancer.  (one of them was my wife)

Trends in breast cancer deaths

Breast cancer is the second leading cause of cancer death in women. (Only lung cancer kills more women each year.) The chance that a woman will die from breast cancer is about 1 in 36 (about 3%).

Death rates from breast cancer have been dropping since about 1989, with larger decreases in women younger than 50. These decreases are believed to be the result of finding breast cancer earlier through screening and increased awareness, as well as better treatments.

Did the reader notice that little line about catching cancer earlier enough?

My wife was just a Stage II carcinoma in situ (CIS).  Did the reader also notice that CIS is Non-invasive and is the earliest form of breast cancer?  Well, that is exactly what my wife had. 

If you were able to understand these lines, that brings me back to my original question:

What stage do you really need to be to survive this disease? 

Now, according to the same American Cancer Society:   URL: http://www.cancer.org/cancer/breastcancer/detailedguide/breast-cancer-survival-by-stage

5-year relative survival rates for breast cancer by stage. The outlook for women with breast cancer varies by the stage (extent) of the cancer. In general, the survival rates are higher for women with earlier stage cancers. But remember, the outlook for each woman is specific to her circumstances.

The 5-year relative survival rate for women with stage 0 or stage I breast cancer is close to 100%.  For women with stage II breast cancer, the 5-year relative survival rate is about 93%. The 5-year relative survival rate for stage III breast cancers is about 72%. But often, women with these breast cancers can be successfully treated.

Breast cancers that have spread to other parts of the body are more difficult to treat and tend to have a poorer outlook. Metastatic, or stage IV breast cancers, have a 5-year relative survival rate of about 22%. Still, there are often many treatment options available for women with this stage of breast cancer.

Remember, these survival rates are only estimates – they can’t predict what will happen to any individual person. We understand that these statistics can be confusing and may lead you to have more questions.

Talk to your doctor to better understand your specific situation.

Now, did the reader spotted the line where it says: For women with stage II breast cancer, the 5-year relative survival rate is about 93%.

What stage do you really need to be to survive this disease? 

How do you go from 93% to 0% in as little as a year?  Riddle me that.  Is this a joke? Am I supposed to just take it like a man and don’t question the discrepancy?  Just quietly accept the fact that the doctors did everything they could to save my wife.  That she died of cancer, nothing else.

I know it is no longer in my power to save my wife.  But it is in my power to warn others. 

That’s my moral obligation as a human being. 

That is what a person is supposed to do, to protect and to care for the others who are or will be walking on the same road my wife once was.  To warn your sister, your daughter, your mom, your wife, to warn you. 

I can only wish that someone had written a book like this one before my wife got sick!  I could have protected my wife better than I did.  I was so ignorant and naïve!

Knowledge is power. We all know that.

I know that the medical field will come back to me trying to find fault in this book.  They will try to discredit my character and possibly my wife’s.  I expect all kinds of low blows to my personality, my foreign accent, to the fact that I am NOT a doctor like they are. That I shouldn’t be writing about such a complex medical topic such as cancer.  Writing about things that I do not fully comprehend. 

Point taken.  I must admit I am completely, 100% ignorant about the medical field. 

I cannot argue with that.

Yes, I am a business man and a computer programmer by trade.  That is correct.  I hold a college degree. A Bachelor’s of Science (BS) with a major in Computer Information Systems and a minor in Business Administration. 

Yes, I am better suited to operate in the business world.  Better suited programming and debugging complex lines of computer code. 

Yep, I graduated back in 1986 from college and I have spent a large number of years in the business world and programming computers.  I am database manager with a MCITP.

I think this tells you that at least, I am not a complete idiot.  I have a college degree and lots of real-world experience.

But you want to know one thing? Even though I am NOT a doctor; my training gives me the advantage to use my fine-tuned logic to spot problems.  I have the ability to go through terabytes and even gigabytes of raw data to make sound business decisions.  I use inductive as well as deductive reasoning to solve business problems every single day of my life.

My business training has also provided me with the ability to run a business lean and mean.   To avoid making stupid mistakes and to be able to pinpoint where others have made costly errors. 

In the business world where I operate, you either do it right or you get eliminated. 

Make too many mistakes and you get fired, period.  Lose your house, lose your livelihood and reputation. 

Don’t pass GO, don’t collect $200 dollars.  

This will happen to you if your mistakes have caused the company to lose money, to lose a client or even to lose the company’s reputation. 

It is a dog eat dog world.  There are winners and losers.  But if you do well, you get perks.  Lots and lots of perks. 

Your salary reflects your ability to produce for the company.  Your reputation is also increased.  You get promoted according to your abilities. The business model doesn’t seem to apply in the medical field, or does it? 

I do not see a lot of doctors losing their licenses.  You cannot even sue them, for Pete’s sake!  I am sure this could depend on state laws and medical board regulations from state to state.  

In our case this didn’t happened.

Well guess what? I will use my training to sift through the gigabytes of their own records and conduct my own CSI (Crime Scene Investigation).  Better yet, I will take you, the reader, as my wing-man or wing-woman, and together we will go and pull the remains of this wreck. 

We will go deep into the alligator, snake, and spider infested swamp and recover their voice data recorders. 

We will analyze them and extract the truth behind this most unfortunate event. I want you to bear witness to what we are about to un-cover.

WARNING AND DISCLAIMER.

I need to WARN MY READER...

Before we proceed further into the wilderness, read this:

If you are NOT strong enough; please do not come with me. 

Close this book and forget about it.

The reason why I tell you this is because you will find yourself extremely distressed by what you read.  There will be lots of crying.  I am not joking!

This CSI is NOT for everyone.  You will find yourself in the middle of my swamp with no place to go. Lost and confused.  You will find yourself pulling and unearthing things you would probably not want to know of. 

My swamp is murky, very shadowy and can drive you mad.

I live in it every day, so I know it very well. What you will see and read will probably impact and scar you forever.

These events have driven me to the point of suicide.  ...and I consider myself a strong person.

So, fair warning!  If you think you will NOT be able to take it; close this book.  Return it to whomever gave it to you.  Return it to the store and get you money back.  Pretend it does not exist.   Please DO NOT read this book if you think you will NOT be able to handle it.

Now, if you feel you can handle it.  Come with me and I will show you my findings. 

Trust me, if you have just a little common sense, you really do not need to be a doctor to understand what I am about to show you.  What you and I un-cover; will perhaps save a life.

That is my ultimate goal.

****

I remember whenever we were having a heated discussion about something.  My wife used to tell me the following lines:

Please, don’t piss down my back and tell me that is raining!

I wasn’t exactly sure what she meant by that.

Now that she is dead, I understand her words.

Sadly...I finally understand.

So, if the reader has decided to follow me and continue with this book;

I personally welcome you to my nightmare!

Chapter 2. Meet CHARLIE THE UNICORN

(Written 06/12/2016)

C:\Users\Mario\Desktop\Book\Pictures\10-09-2014 (1).JPG

I wanted to make this book a very serious, scientific and fact finding one but I have a very cute problem.

That Problem is Charlie the Unicorn.  I wanted to use my wife’s pictures to illustrate our case but Charlie is all over the place and I cannot escape him.  Every picture I see, Charlie is in it! So, I feel the need to introduce him to you.

My wife was a talented children’s book author. She had several delightful children’s books finished and she was in the process of getting them published but, unfortunately, cancer popped-up into her life and she could not fulfill that dream.

When she got diagnosed with stage II breast cancer, back in September 2014, the doctors gave her a 93% chance of surviving the disease.  This coupled with the fact that her mother had survived cancer three times, led her to believe that the odds were in her favor and she could beat this disease. 

That is how Charlie the Unicorn was born.  

She, my wife, was going to write a book to give little children hope with fighting this horrible disease.  This was going to be a story of hope and courage about Charlie surviving cancer. 

She started to document Charlie’s cancer adventure by taking pictures of him wherever she went. Charlie appeared with her going through chemo, hydration, PET scans and hospital’s visits.   She was so proud of her new project because she thought she could make a positive impact on children suffering from cancer.

That was my wife, always thinking of others first.   

I have no choice but to mention Charlie in this book.  I have so many pictures of him and my wife together that I could write her children’s book with them. 

However, the book wouldn’t be appropriate for children; the ending is NOT a happy one.  She wouldn’t like children having to read about her horrific ending. 

After her passing, a mutual friend of ours told me that my wife thought that it was Charlie taking the chemo, not her.  That it was Charlie going to the hospital and feeling sick, not her. 

My wife had superimposed her persona on the inanimate object in order to cope with her pain and anguish. 

Now that my wife has passed; I would like you to know that Charlie has been placed next to my wife’s ashes on top of her piano.

He is still her companion, even in the afterlife, and I know she would like it to be so.

Charlie and my beloved wife did finish their adventure together after all.

The pictures below are ones my wife took outside of the Plastic Surgery center where she worked.  Her co-workers had placed this giant ribbon to wish her luck in her fight, excuse me in Charlie’s fight.

Her co-workers were so wonderful with my angel that I want to thank them all from the bottom of my heart!

God bless you for your fine gesture!

C:\Users\Mario\Desktop\Book\Pictures\IMG_4603.JPG

Chapter 3. FEELINGS OF GUILT AND REMORSE, MY INNER DEMONS AWAKEN

(Written on March 17, 2016)

"In battle, in the forest, at the precipice in the mountains, on the dark great sea, in the midst of javelins and arrows, in sleep, in confusion, in the depths of shame the good deeds a man has done before defend him."

― J. Robert Oppenheimer

Let me start at the end so that you can better understand my predicament.  I recommend that you take a comfortable seat, for I have a real life story to tell you. A real tragic life story that will ring in your mind for years to come and open up your eyes like never before. 

These events are all true and this sad story is very real.

My wife died on November 17, 2015 of breast cancer. She fought this disease for one year and two months.

Right after her death, I felt a sense of relief, since she was no longer in pain.  I got busy preparing her final farewell.  Cremation, church, eulogy, flowers and invitations for family and friends.  Believe me it was nice to see the amount of people that turned out at church.

It was sad, but she was no longer suffering.  I felt at peace.

On this day, March 17, 2016 as I write these words.  It has been exactly four months since my wife passed away. 

Now, something else has replaced that peace.

Grievance counselors tell you that it is perfectly normal to feel anger, guilt, remorse, sadness and depression after a loved one passes.   Guilt is always related to missed opportunity. 

You tell yourself things like, I should had..., I could had.., I shouldn’t had....  This is all perfectly normal part of the process.

Only that my guilt and remorse were justified.  My wife and I were given a golden opportunity and we let it slip away.

Out of ignorance; we declined her plastic surgeon’s many offers to have him operate on her and remove the cancerous tumor that she had found.

Now, four months after her death, guilt and remorse have been tormenting me at night to the point of madness. 

These questions keep bubbling in my mind: Why didn’t we let her plastic surgeon operate on her right then and there?  Why were we so afraid to do it? 

She, with tears on her eyes, was really contemplating the option but fear over took us.  He was NOT an oncologist, he was a plastic surgeon!

At the time when we evaluated her plastic surgeon’s offer; we wondered: What if he leaves something behind and then she dies?

The rational part of our brains screamed DO IT!  Let the plastic surgeon operate on her. Why wait?  He was willing to do it right at that moment.  He was going to take that "shit" off right then and there.

But fear of the unknown paralyzed us and screamed "IT IS TOO RISKY!"

Back to my narrative:

Now four months after her passing...

I kept waking up soaked in sweat, and a heaviness in my heart.  I was not able to sleep;

I felt guilty even more because I was supposed to be her protector, her rock, the man of the house and it was, all my fault!

Now my mind was playing tricks on me and it was telling me that it was my fault that she died in such a horrible way. 

I felt like I let her down. 

Now I felt like it was my fault that she died. 

Like I prevented her plastic surgeon from removing the lump.  Like I didn’t allow him to save her life. 

Now the blame was entirely on me! 

I felt so sick to my stomach, how could I let this happen? 

She died and it was my fault. She died and it was because I was weak, because I did not have the BALLS!

I could not sleep and kept waking up sobbing and feeling so sad, lonely and guilt ridden.  I should had been the stronger of the two, I should had done it but I did not do it!  What an idiot, what a worthless fool. 

My inner voice would add to my self-torture: "You, let you wife die.  Now, you cry like a baby for something you should had defended like a lion.  What a loser!  I told you so.  I warned you so many times but you didn’t listen.  You chose to believe in the fucking doctors. Now she is dead!!! And now you cry."

In order to go to sleep, I started to take sedatives. 

My wife’s left-over prescriptions. There were a lot of left-over sleeping, pain-killers and anti-depressant pills.  I had to take them, I needed them in order to feel normal. 

The sedatives only went so far, the effects would wear off and I would still wakeup in the middle of the night to the same horrible feelings. 

Crying would also relieve the pain. I cried like a child every night. I would also start "talking" to her.  I would ask her to please forgive my shortcomings.  That I never meant to hurt her. 

I could see her beautiful sad eyes and hear her voice in a very depressed tone saying: "Hi baby how are you?"

Once she was very sick, she was very depressed and sad. 

I could do nothing to help her.  Just offer her my love and support...kisses and hugs.  I could not cure her, I could not remove the cancer that was all over her body. 

I was powerless to mitigate her pain. 

The pain I caused with my fucked-up decision of seeking an oncologist! 

My fucked-up decision of not letting the plastic surgeon remove it!   Oh my God!  Oh Jesus!  Oh, sweet Mary mother of God!  Please God forgive me!

I felt so guilty and ashamed!  I wanted to scream, to run, to cry, wanted to DIE!

Alcohol would help to mitigate the pain.  I had a good supply of it; a very, very good supply of alcohol.  I didn’t have to buy it.  I had it.

For years I had accumulated row after row.  It was just there lots of it and every brand you could think of.  Rum, whiskey, gin, vodka, tequila, mescal, bourbon, moonshine, absinthe, wine and other liqueurs.   Thousands of dollars’ worth of it at my disposal. In our bar by the pool.

I used to get drunk a lot.  The pain would go away and I could finally go to sleep in a stupor of spirits and wine.

Every night, play a little sad music and get drunk on the floor next to her beloved piano where her ashes were. 

The pain was killing me and I tried to stop it on my own. I tried telling myself that: "it is over, it is done, move on". 

That became my chant every time guilt showed its ugly face: "It is over, it is done, move on, it is over it is done move on..."

Repeat over and over. 

I used to remind myself that: she was dead and there was nothing I could do for her now.  All the regret and guilt in the world could not bring her back.

I tried to stop but I could not. 

I was heavily abusing alcohol, tobacco and sleeping pills every night.  Nyquil, lots and lots of Nyquil.

The guilt was driving mad.  I really thought it was my fault that she died. We missed that GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY that the plastic surgeon offered us and now, my love, my angel my partner, my friend was gone forever and it was my fucking fault! 

I was suffering from lack of sleep, lack of concentration, loss of appetite. 

I was feeling sad and full of sorrow and remorse all the time, all day and night long.

Above all guilt, ever present, all-consuming and constant guilt. 

I was now considering and entertaining suicide. 

The thought came to my mind several times. 

To me, it was the only way that I could clear my conscience and pay for my wife’s death. 

Commit suicide, and then be reunited with my love forever.   Not to feel guilty this way anymore. 

Not to feel dirty, ashamed, dishonored and stupid anymore. Suicide was really becoming an option.  I really had nothing left to live for.

Kill myself, end it all!

I did a quick inventory of my present position in life and this is where I was:

My wife was dead.

We never had any children, so I had no one to love and take care of.

My bank account had around $200 dollars, I was broke.

My second source of income, my wife, was no longer collecting disability. 

I never took life insurance on her, we never expected her to die; no doctor ever warned us.  She was only stage II with a 93 percent chance of survival.  Why would I get life insurance on her?

I had just entered bankruptcy, I owed about $60,000 dollars in medical bills, past due taxes, past due mortgage payments and owed a lot of money to several credit cards.  All due to expenses incurred while taking care of her.

Because I owned a home and had some equity in it, the creditors wanted me to sell it and pay them with the proceeds of the liquidation.  I refused to sell our home.

Since I refused to sell the house, my bankruptcy turned into Chapter 13, I was ordered to make monthly payments of $500.00 for the next 5 years in order pay the creditors.

If I had to pay $500 per month, plus my mortgage, plus the other expenses; that only left me around $250 dollars per month live on.  $250 to buy food, gasoline and all other living expenses. How can you exist on $250 a month?  What if my car breaks down and I need to repair it?  What if I get sick? Then what?  I wouldn’t eat for a month?

Before cancer hit out lives, our FICO score was around 660, now I had no borrowing power.

Besides my home, my other assets were my car, a year 2000 Chevy that was leaking anti-freeze and oil all over, and my wife’s 2005 Nissan Sentra.  Both cars needed new brakes, repairs and a paint job.

Our "friends" were no longer visiting, or calling me.  They all just disappeared!

Four days after my wife’s passing; my wife’s sister and I had a nasty fight over a blue sapphire ring my wife left me.  Her sister felt that she was entitled to have it.  I got pissed, gave her the fucking ring and kicked them all out of my house.  I also called the police on them.  Fucking vulture!  My wife, who was her sister, had just passed away four days ago!  The only thing she could do was to circle around her remains and peck at them? It infuriated me the way she did it. It was like she did not care about her sister dying just four days ago.  The only thing on her mind was that blue sapphire ring. She wanted it and she kept just asking and asking me for it. I kicked them out!  Her, her mother and her daughter out of my house!

My wife’s co-workers, had initiated a "GO-Fund Me and they had collected about $6,000 in donations.  That money was supposed to have been given to me to help me recover financially.  Because of the fight we had, my wife’s sister kept all the money and I never saw a dime.  What a way to say THANK YOU" for taking care of their family member.  Not only did she take the blue sapphire ring but she also took the money that my