Down the Rabbit Hole and Back: Stop Believing the Lies and Live Your Own Truth

By Elisabeth Caetano MA

Here are the topics you can look forward to learning about on your personal journey through Wonderland in "Down the Rabbit Hole and Back: Stop Believing the Lies and Live Your Own Truth!

Chapter 1

Down the Rabbit Hole: Where is the Exit Please?

Here we will journey together down the rabbit hole to define what in the world has happened to you and how you woke up one day lost in Wonderland! We will discover your unique strengths and weaknesses and then continue on into the solution for you to live authentically and true to yourself.

Chapter 2

Mad Hatter Thinking? How to Stop

When Alice gets to the tea party it is all stuff and nonsense! Stinking Thinking is the tea flavor of the day and Alice is quite cross with her table mates. Learning what distortions are in your own head is half the battle to finding and living your truth. Black and White is an amazing clothing combination and a horrible way of boxing yourself into an either or dilemma that is easily side-stepped by asking yourself, what is my third choice? Learn more about these errors in thinking that we all do at some point or another and what you can do to think clearly.

Chapter 3

A Pool of Tears: Will You Sink or Swim in Your Emotions?

Alice is in a continual state of over growth and shrinking too small as she navigates Wonderland. I have been there too! Yelling to be heard, shrinking down within myself to hide and avoid uncomfortable emotions. Not having a voice or being too "loud" as a woman. Then I would get angry and lash out. Managing my own emotional reactivity was a MUST in order for me to learn to lift the heavy burden of labels and define my own truth. You can do it too! I teach you how in this chapter.

Chapter 4

The Caucus-Race: Running in Addiction Circles

While Chapter 1 & 2 really work on foundational skills the rest of the book starts to build upon these chapters weaving together a new way of thinking and feeling so that you can become the author of your own story. Stop believing the lies that society and culture have taught you and start living your own truth.

Chapter 5

The White Rabbit's Wishes: Why People-Pleasing Never Works

Commonly called the 'dis-ease" to please, we get into perfection and shame that come with burdensome labels. Then the lovely triplets, woulda, shoulda, coulda show up to beat down your self esteem. This is an area that I really had to dig deep into personally in order to get clear on who I was as a woman.

Chapter 6

I Knew Who I Was This Morning: Finding Self-Esteem

Oh how that buzz-word has been so over used but really, I could not think of another word that really talks about how to have a relationship with myself in my own head that is kind and loving and accepting. This is such a necessary relationship to have with oneself and I hope to help you in this chapter really dial into your self love and authenticity.

Chapter 7

Dealing with the Duchess: Building Boundaries with Toxic People

Oh my gosh! Mental, Spiritual, Emotional and Physical boundaries are necessary tools for a healthy happy life! I with these had been taught to me in school or somewhere before the age of 20…Thank God for my own therapy where I learned what these were and how to put them in. That scary little word "NO" as a woman was one of the hardest for me to learn and that is squarely a boundary.

Chapter 8

Conversations with the Cheshire Cat: Which Spiritual Path Is Right for Me?

Brene Brown talks about having spirituality in your life as one of the 10 guideposts to wholehearted living and I wholeheartedly agree with her. Let's find your truth in this area so you have one of the most important foundational tools for life. I have had a very rocky road in this area and I am so willing to have this conversation with anyone because it is so important!

Chapter 9

The Mock Turtle's Nonsense: Emotional Intelligence As an Alternative to the Ridiculous

Emotional Intelligence is an important tool to learn and practice if you really want to be able

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Apr 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9781543968385

Book preview

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What Others are Saying about

Elisabeth Caetano and

Down the Rabbit Hole and Back

"With so many choices of self-help books out there, Down the Rabbit Hole and Back is a winner. While the book is filled with actionable steps to make concrete changes in your life, it also contains stories and fun references to Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland to keep the story entertaining, but most importantly, Elisabeth Caetano keeps it firmly grounded in sound psychological principles. A must read for anyone ready to take life to the next level."

— Patrick Snow, Publishing Coach and International Best-Selling Author of Creating Your Own Destiny

"In a world where so many self-help books are loaded with fluff and pie-in-the-sky concepts, Down the Rabbit Hole and Back stands out amongst the noise. As a licensed therapist for more than twenty years, Elisabeth draws from her wealth of experience to create an actionable and practical manual readers can use to apply therapeutic practices into their own lives. I especially liked how Elisabeth weaved her lessons into a narrative using references from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. It made it a fun and educational reading experience. This book is one of my favorites of the year and I highly recommend it!"

— Raphael Collazo, Author of The Millennial Playbook Series

I started working with Elisabeth Caetano eighteen months ago and cannot adequately express how greatly she has impacted me. Elisabeth has helped me accept and understand my codependency, as well as develop and implement recovery skills. She has also provided support during a major life stressor (separation) and facilitated my refocus on spirituality, self-worth, and happiness. I highly recommend Elisabeth to the person seeking guidance from a compassionate, honest, interactive, and passionate therapist who genuinely wants to help you help yourself!

— Lisa Taylor, Client

Dr. Elisabeth definitely helped me understand my situation better. She does whatever she can to help for the long run. She listens, but she also tries to get to the root of the problem. She is an honest person and thinks about what is best for my situation. I have had a great experience so far. Thank you, Elisabeth!

— Carol Anderson, Client

"In Down the Rabbit Hole and Back, Caetano takes you on a journey to find yourself. We all find ourselves down a rabbit hole at some point in our lives. This book will help you find your way out. Whether you are struggling with self-esteem, trying to please others, or emotional reactivity, this book gives you the tools you need to live your life with purpose and succeed with passion."

— Stephanie Walton, Author of Succeeding with Passion: Simple Strategies to Drive Your Life, Relationships, and Career Forward

Elisabeth has been invaluable in helping navigate where I am and how I got here, and in helping me develop the tools I need to figure out what I want and how to get it. She is honest and compassionate, professional, informed and caring. Anyone making the decision to seek counseling is going to have to expend a great deal of effort and hear some difficult truths. Elisabeth’s calm, empathic, professional guidance is just indispensable to me.

— Sheila White, Client

Elizabeth Caetano is the most effective therapist I have seen. She provides strategies to improve life between sessions! Many counselors rely on talk therapy only. Talk therapy is pretty useless; you can use a close friend to talk with and save the co-pay or counseling fee. Elisabeth Caetano always provides me with practical and useful activities to address the problems I am facing. She is very intuitive and knowledgeable. I recommend her to all my friends and acquaintances.

— Tamara Horowitz, Client

Elisabeth is a fabulous therapist because she not only listens, but she provides tools to assist in making positive change in one’s life. She is not like any other therapist I have met. I like her methods, and I really like her as well. Elisabeth has proven to be a breath of fresh air during a difficult time in my life.

— Hillary Rouse, Client

Elisabeth Caetano takes years of wisdom, practice, and experience and weaves them together into a book that is truly transformational. She guides you to explore your own truth, not hers—not someone else’s, but yours. She acknowledges your journey, and only offers what she has learned as possible ahas for you. This book is fun to read, while at the same time, taking you on a potentially deep journey into the rabbit hole and back out again. It is a book worth reading because it is a journey worth taking. Enjoy.

— Donna Price, Author of Launching Your Dreams: Making WILD Ideas Happen

I am so grateful to have found Elisabeth. She is amazing! She walked me through one of the toughest times of my life, and I came out the other side braver and stronger than I would have ever believed. She is kind but honest and helps you look at things in a way you never thought of before.

— Roberta Stowe, Client

Ever since my first session, my outlook on life has greatly improved. Caetano is fun, energetic, caring, patient, and kind. It feels like you’re talking to an understanding and mature friend, and I really appreciate it. I look forward to each session I have with her, and I’d highly recommend going to see her if you’re debating it.

— Eileen Vandenberg, Client

Elisabeth is easy to talk to and focuses on giving concrete feedback and suggestions. She gave me fantastic insight and provided me with tools that I am confident will help me achieve my goals. She is just what I needed.

— Mary Stewart, Client

Elisabeth’s loving yet direct and practical approach has been a game changer. She introduced me to an entirely new way of thinking that helped move me through my anger, shame, and fear and into action. I am more joyful, energized, connected, and incredibly grateful!

— Erica Allen, Client

The search for a new therapist is exhausting and scary. From day one with Elisabeth, I knew she was different. She is an intuitive therapist and a supportive coach. In two years, I have made so much progress with her help—more than I could imagine. She offers practicality blended with intuition, helping you see the problem, then figuring out what to do with it. She is warm, caring, candid, and authentic, and truly has helped me transform my sadness and helplessness to confidence and success. I can’t recommend her highly enough.

— Kristyn Cass, Client

"In Down the Rabbit Hole and Back, readers are taken on a heroic journey of transformation. You’ll learn how to engage all parts of your personality, your past, and most importantly, the person you want to be. You’ll figure out how to put all the puzzle pieces together to create a new picture of the life you want, and when you’re done, you’ll be grinning wider than the Cheshire Cat. Thank you, Elisabeth Caetano, for giving us this wonderland of a book that frees us from all the craziness Alice had to experience."

— Tyler R. Tichelaar, PhD and award-winning author of The Gothic Wanderer and When Teddy Came to Town

Over the years, I’ve seen different therapists, and I’ve never made the progress I have with Elisabeth with anyone else. Elisabeth told me how it was and took the time to share things I could do on my own. Her goal was not to keep me coming back but for me to find my own self-love and trust my own instinct. If you are interested in creating positive self-change, I would recommend her highly.

— Erin John, Client

Note: None of the client reviews were solicited. To protect confidentiality, client names have been changed.

Stop Believing the Lies

and Live Your Own Truth

Elisabeth Caetano, MA

Down the Rabbit Hole and Back: Stop Believing the Lies and Live Your Own Truth. Copyright © 2019 by Elisabeth Caetano. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the expressed written permission of the author.

Address all inquiries to:

Elisabeth Caetano, MA

[phone]

[e-mail]

DowntheRabbitHoleandBack.com

Published by:

Aviva Publishing

Lake Placid, NY

[phone]

AvivaPubs.com

Editor: Tyler Tichelaar, Superior Book Productions

Author Photo: Janet Bark Photography

Designer: Shaun Briggs, D20 Designs

Nothing in this book is to be construed as therapy or a therapeutic relationship. This book and the information herein is for educational purposes only.

Every attempt has been made to source all quotes properly.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018910020

Printed in the United States of America.

ISBN: 978-1-947937-61-1

First Edition

Special Thanks to:

My beautiful, precious daughter, who is a miracle from God.

My wonderfully supportive husband whom I love dearly.

My mom and dad and all of my sisters and brother, who have supported me all of these years.

My BFFs (you know who you are) and

My father, my in-laws and my godfather.

May they rest in peace and soar with the Angels in Heaven.

It’s also dedicated to my clients from the past twenty years who have worked diligently to learn, grow, and live their own truth.

You have read the books, journaled the words, cried the tears, weathered the storms, and have come out of the rabbit holes of life.

I do what I do because of you!

Dedication:

This book is dedicated to my dear, dear daddy.

He was an integral part of the tapestry of my life.

I am forever grateful for everything that he did for me.

He was the best Bee-Paw to my daughter.

Rebecca and I will rest easier in the knowledge

that he is in the arms of Jesus.

Acknowledgments

Thanks be to God: With you all things are possible.

To my family: I love you dearly. You are my rocks upon which I am built.

To my friends: You have been with me on this journey called life through the thick and thin, joy and pain, love and heartbreak, laughter and tears, and everything big and small and in between!

To all of my clients, both male and female: I am so proud of you. You have worked hard, done the heavy lifting, and have changed your lives! I love hearing from you and how you are implementing the tools and skills on this journey called life.

Special thanks to my mentors, therapists, close friends, and supporters on my journey called life:

Thanks also to: Julie Bais, lifelong chosen sister; Carol Breitkopf, another lifelong chosen sister; Joan Barnett; Rebecca Berggren; Shaun and Lauren Briggs—I couldn’t have done it without you; Kristyn Caetano for all the business/life support; The C-MENT board; Connect for Success Mastermind Group Gals!; Cheryl Delson; Karen Eames; Gourmet Group Gals; Pastor Gregg Hoffman for the really, really tough stuff; Dr. Yvonne Kress, mentor and friend; Heidi Lee; Sheila Neuberg, BFF extraordinaire; Amrita Pradha; Lynn Shannon; Patty Sovella; Katherine Smith; Patrick Snow; Jodi Steigerwald; Tyler Tichelaar; and the USSD Fab Four.

In loving memory of Richard Caetano, my caring and devoted father, Jack and Georgia Rhodes, my in-laws, Gene Sheehan, my godfather and my grandmother, Margaret MacLennan, who emigrated from Scotland.

Contents

Preface: How to Apply the Wisdom of This Book

Introduction: Let’s Do This!

Chapter 1: Down the Rabbit Hole

Chapter 2: Mad Hatter Thinking?

Chapter 3: A Pool of Tears

Chapter 4: The Caucus-Race

Chapter 5: The White Rabbit’s Wishes

Chapter 6: I Knew Who I Was This Morning

Chapter 7: Dealing with the Duchess

Chapter 8: Conversations With the Cheshire Cat

Chapter 9: The Mock Turtle’s Nonsense

Chapter 10: Off With Her Head!

Chapter 11: Getting Yourself Out of Wonderland

Chapter 12: Up Out of The Rabbit Hole

Conclusion: Avoiding Future Pitfalls

A Final Note: Taking it to the Next Level

Resources

A Personal Note

About the Author

Stay Connected

Book Elisabeth Caetano for Your Next Speaking Event

Preface

How to Apply the Wisdom of This Book

I totally get that you have tried many things thus far on your journey called life. You have read books; you have tried therapy; you have gotten advice. You’ve gone to groups, classes, and coaches. Possibly played with tarot cards, consulted astrology charts, gotten psychic readings, received hypnotherapy; changed your diet, hair color or clothing style. Maybe you’ve changed bosses, jobs, physical location by moving to a new city, state, or even country. Perhaps you have checked out with addictive behaviors such as alcohol, food, or shopping. Or maybe you have over-identified with the I’m so busy I cannot do anything but run the hamster wheel, and still you don’t feel good.

Why this book is different?

This book is a little different in that it is not just about reading; it’s about doing the work in the book. The key word here is action; you must take action to find your truth, plain and simple. You will find concrete exercises at the end of every chapter, designed to help you get unstuck and finally live the life you want. Please take the time to do the exercises when you reach the end of each chapter, rather than waiting until the end of the book. Any action is movement, and this book outlines tools, skills, and concrete action steps you can take right now to get out of the rabbit holes of life.

What is a Rabbit Hole?

Glad you asked! A rabbit hole occurs whenever you find yourself stuck in any situation, conundrum, or place that isn’t working for you. Like Alice on her journey through Wonderland, you wander and roam, looking for answers and truth, but things are not clear. Therefore, the solutions and your unique truth are difficult to find. Like Alice, you are looking for an exit or a way to problem solve once and for all.

This book is about learning who you are and not who you were told you should be. You get to decide who you want to be. It is a reference journal for you to go back to and revisit the questions to see the progress you have made. It is a chance to document your concrete changes, which will encourage you to keep changing and continuing to grow. Some of the exercises are meant to be done more than once. Do them monthly, quarterly, or yearly. Things will sink in. You will have aha moments, but sometimes you will also forget something and slide back down a rabbit hole, so you will need to take action by rereading and revisiting the tools.

My truth is about making concrete changes to feel better and live happier and more productively; to thrive in life rather than just survive. I have survived many obstacles in my life thus far, and I have used the tools and skills I offer here to get clear on my own authenticity. They are the same tools I teach in sessions. My truth is that I want to live my life up and out of rabbit holes where I can thrive, but I don’t claim to know your truth. That is a gift for you to unwrap (or an onion to peel). I know I am still working on my own truth; I am a work in progress. I am crying my own tears as I continue to peel my own onion. I practice what I teach, and as a result, I have come to know a large part of my own authentic truth. My hope now is to guide you toward discovering your own unique truth by taking action and working on yourself.

Make no mistake—the work is meant to be done! Yes, you have to take action in order to become who you were truly meant to be.

How To Work This Book

1) First Action Step: Get a journal.

2) As you read this book, when a specific sentence, paragraph, quote, or phrase strikes you as an aha moment, stop and take the time to write it down in this book or in your journal. Write down what it specifically means to you. Then write down how you can apply that insight to your life today. Write down specific actions you can take to implement change in small, incremental steps, keeping the end goal in mind.

Alice had to wake up and figure out her way through this crazy place called Wonderland by trial and error. She had to try new things out, talk to herself in a positive way, learn boundaries, manage her own emotional reactivity, rethink reality, take new things in, and ultimately, find her own path and her own voice. By the end of the journey, she had grown into her personal truth and gotten out of the rabbit hole she found herself in. Was it just a dream? Maybe your dream is your truth! Let’s find out!

Take my hand and let me guide you through the insanity in your life that is your own weird Wonderland. We will persevere together. We will lock arms, navigate the bizarre and difficult obstacles before us, climb out of the rabbit hole, and thrive on this journey called life!

Introduction

Let’s Do This!

"Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything.

Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place."

— Paul Coelho

Are you ready? Hang on to your Mad Hatter Hat, and let’s do this! You were lied to. Sorry, we were all lied to. It wasn’t anyone’s fault; it was just that you learned what your parents learned, and they learned from their parents and so on and so forth from time immemorial.

You are feeling lost in the whirlwind of day-to-day life (I call it the grind), sleepwalking through it all in a haze. Career, kids, chores, bills, and responsibilities have enslaved you, and in the few moments you get your brain to yourself, you wonder, Who am I? What about me? What is my truth? How do I authentically want to live? Do I even know who I have become? You may be lonely in marriage or alone and divorced, lost, tired, and maybe even bored. Or perhaps you are trapped in the busy-ness label in order to prove you are worthy of love, belonging, and value. Is this it? You plod along the journey called life doing everything for everyone and don’t even remember who you used to be, let alone who you are today.

You know it could be different, but you don’t know where or how to start, and you feel guilty even thinking and feeling this way.

I so get it! Been there, done that. (In some cases still doing that!) I’ve fallen down rabbit holes and climbed back out of them in the form of not one, not two, but three midlife crises (so far). I will share the story of each rabbit hole/midlife crisis before the book is over. There is no instruction manual on this 26-65-ish age and beyond part of life. You knew what to do when you were young: go to high school, then college or trade school, then start and or continue a career, and somewhere in there meet someone and get married, have a kid, or three...and then what? You are still enslaved in the fairy-tale mindset called living happily ever after without an instruction manual or even knowing how to ask some different questions that could get you somewhere other than down a rabbit hole grinding it out.

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

— George Bernard Shaw

SO WHO ARE YOU?

Ah, but that is the great question. It is the fundamental question that Alice asks herself when she is wandering in Wonderland. Labels come up to identify humans, to categorize and box them up into tidy packages so that others feel comfortable. We also label ourselves. Do any of these labels sound familiar to you?

• Single Woman/Man • Mother/Father

• Daughter/Son • Family Provider

• Wife/Husband • Bitch/Asshole

• Primary Breadwinner • Ex-Wife/Ex-Husband • Widow/Widower • Girl/Boy

• Lady/Gentleman • Young/Old Lady/Man

• Adulterer • Entrepreneur

• Empty-Nester • Stay-at-Home Mom/Dad

• Lover

• Codependent/Alanonic/Alcoholic

• CEO, Lawyer, or any other professional work title

• Some combination of the above

Now add the word good in front of each label. Now add the word perfect in front of each label. How does that feel?

What are these labels, and what do they even mean? Is there a certain code of conduct that goes with each title? Where did you learn that code of conduct? Do you believe in the role you play or the title you are most drawn to? What expectations do you adhere to from the labels you live with? What were you taught about your role in your family growing up? Have you tried to break away from these titles and their rules in the past, only to fall back down the rabbit hole and wind up doing the same thing over and over again, expecting something to change?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

— Albert Einstein

What would happen to you if you stripped away all of the titles and the rules that go with them? Would there be anything left?

Philip McGraw writes in his book, Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out, Your fictional self is the source of wrong identity and wrong information. Not only does the fictional self send you false information about who you are and what you should be doing with your life, it actively blocks the information you need in order to maintain the connection with your authentic identity.

Down the Rabbit Hole and Back is about finding your authentic self: your chosen truth and path in life. It’s about fulfilling yourself and feeling you are valuable and lovable just because you were born! It’s about empowering yourself by accepting all parts of the self, letting go of what others think of you, and living in freedom from insanity.

"Would you tell me, please, which way