God Can Still Use A Jackass: Lessons Learned on the Pathway to Freedom

By Marty Hynes

 

Welcome to the beginning of my hell. From outward appearances, I had everything a young man could want: a young family, a promising career, and community influence—and lost it all.

As men, we have dreams and visions to achieve. Mine included starting a family and leading a national youth ministry. But what happens

• Language: English
• Publisher: Project19 Building BIGGER BETTER STRONGER MEN
• Release date: Apr 9, 2019
• ISBN: 9781681028583

Marty Hynes

Marty Hynes is an author and speaker. He received his BA in theology from Evangel University in Springfield, Missouri, while also graduating from five years in the "school of hard knocks" in New Mexico. He enjoys total freedom, his walk with Christ, his wife Chrissy and four kids, Curtis, Kale, Sarai, and Luke.

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INTRODUCTION

All of us are asses, but not within the context you are assuming as I speak. After all, we know what assumption makes of you and me, right?

Our western culture has a derogatory view of what an ass is while throughout ancient history the ass was viewed as a noble beast. The animal was created for nobility and its purpose among man was useful and noble. Therefore, when I make the claim that All of us are ‘asses,’ I’m stating that we too are created with nobility and are to be noble with our purpose as mankind. Out of all of God’s creations, we, mankind, have been created distinctively different from all His other creations. We have the power to choose what we want to do with our nobility.

I use the ass as a metaphor for man because just as the ass is a noble creature, so is man, but unlike the ass we get to choose what we want to do and become with our nobility. Though God created me with nobility and for greatness, my story is about what I did with my nobility and greatness and how, within our culture, I made a jackass out of myself. Yet at the core of who I am, and all that God has created me for, there remains the intrinsic value of nobility needing to be redeemed and put back in place.

As I have stated, the ass is a noble creature. In ancient cultures the ass was a sign of wealth, the preferred mode of transportation among the wealthy. Kings and warriors chose the ass for travel and war because they were sure footed and stable, and able to bear heavy loads. Within battle the ass remained stable and strong.

Among the common people and farmers, the ass was the preferred animal for farming. The ass was strong and able to bear the work of plowing fields and carrying great loads. For even the common person, owning an ass meant they owned the very best. Unlike today, the ass was a sign of prestige, wealth, and nobility for the average citizen.

Within biblical terms the ass is mentioned one hundred and twenty times. Some of the ass’s most popular moments in scripture are centered around noble purposes. Perhaps one of the most famous and comical moments is found in Numbers 22 when the prophet Balaam has a conversation with his talking female ass. God opens the mouth of the ass which in turn actually spares the man’s life.

In the New Testament, we get a glimpse into the glorious nobility of the animal as a foal or young ass. He was called upon to bear Jesus Christ on His triumphal entry into Jerusalem. We see that the usefulness and nobility of this creature’s purpose is being used to bear the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. We also take note that this ass was a foal, young, childlike ass calling us to have child- like faith, while remaining noble with our created purpose to bear the load as we walkout our lives with the redeemer.

In the fall of 2001 I made a choice to turn in my nobility. I chose to remove the call and purpose for my life and family and exchange it for selfish, prideful desires that would damage not only my created nobleness, but damage the lives of many people, especially those I loved the most. I made a real, living, and true jackass out of myself.

Yet the story does not end there. Out of my jackassness, God was not done with me. My story is more than just my story. This is His story. This is a story of His grace and jealousy. His passionate pursuit for a man who foolishly and willingly chose to rebel against God and follow my own selfish lust and desires.

My story would take me to the darkest and most dangerous places any man would never dream of while He made sure that every step and place was ordered by His divine plan and purpose. His grace would be the power by which to carry me through while His jealousy would be the power by which to win me. This is the story of His amazing grace and jealousy that pursues every man, woman, and child and for the noble purpose He created us.

While I chose the way of a foolish, stubborn, selfish, and prideful jackass, He remained the stable, surefooted, strong load-bearing, noble ass that He is in order to redeem me back to the noble purpose for which I was created. After all, I was created in His image (shadow, illusion, reflection, phantom, and representation) and likeness (similitude) and He was jealous enough to passionately pursue me, find me, and restore me back to His original design. Now that’s grace!

What you are about to read is the raw true story of my life. My attempt is not to be derogatory, rude, or dirty, but to draw you in as the reader to the reality of what I put myself through. My attempt is not to offend anyone, but to be raw and real with what happened. Finally, my goal is to reach you, the reader, and convey that no matter what you go through in life, there is enough hope for everybody, and that God can still use a jackass!

This is my story!

If I should speak then let it be of the grace that is greater than all my sin, of when justice was served and where mercy wins, of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in. Oh, to tell you my story is to tell of Him.

Big Daddy Weave

CHAPTER 1

THE REBIRTH

When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through the Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land. God said, If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.

Exodus 13:17 (NLT)

I sat on the edge of my bunk with clammy hands and in a nervous sweat. I had been waiting for this day to come for nearly five years and it was here, but at this moment in my life I was not as ready for it as I thought I would be. The most frightening, lonesome, depressing, dark, and grim stretch of my life was closing and giving birth to a new season. I thought I was ready for this, but my nerves and stomach were telling me something different. I was on the brink of an exodus from a land I had never dreamed of being a part of and now entering back into a world I once knew.

UNWELCOME COMPANION

Uncertainty had become a close companion throughout these few years, although I never formally asked for him to be my friend. He sat there with me on the edge of my bed. He was in my head more than occupying a space beside me. I had become familiar with his unwelcome presence and wanted to escape his uninvited company, but how? I was now facing the next greatest challenge of my life and the outlook was completely uncertain.

My mind did not allow me to rest that well the night before. Uncertainty hid the light switch to my brain; thereby, keeping me up most of the night.

Questions like, What will happen to me as I re-enter the world I once knew?; Will I be accepted by society or will I be rejected by everyone I meet?; Can I rebuild the relationships with my two boys that I have been away from for nearly five years and salvage a marriage that is decaying rapidly?; and many more questions like these kept bombarding my mind throughout the night.

Unable to sleep, I had gotten up early before sunrise and taken a shower, had my coffee, and tried to calm my nerves by sitting at the window looking off into the early morning hours, wondering about my future. Normally I would not go to breakfast, but to try and interrupt my anxiety, I headed off to the chow hall to choke down some food into an already nervous stomach. Unable to eat but a few tiny bites, I returned to my bunk to wait for my name to be called.

CONUNDRUM

Outside was a typically beautiful February New Mexico morning with the warm golden yellow sun rising over the eastern horizon and melting the frost that had settled across the desert landscape. New Mexico sunrises and sunsets are some of the most beautiful on earth and this Wednesday morning, February 20, 2008, was no different. Being a part of big sky country, the early morning heavens are often painted in bright yellow and shiny orange and pink colors along with a majestic sky-blue atmosphere stretching from horizon to horizon. The air is usually brisk and chilly, but as the sun rises higher and higher it strokes your body with radiant beams of warmth.

I was awaiting my opportunity to step into this glorious beauty and to soak in the freedom it would bring to me. Yet, on the other hand, my mind and nerves were at battle with the uncertain challenges, obstacles, and adversities that lurked beyond the window. My feet were ready to move, but my mind was not. This particular Wednesday morning was my parole date from five years of incarceration and the re-birthing of my life beyond the prison walls, razor wire, and slamming doors.

With great nervousness all morning long, I moved about from one meaningless task to the next, trying to calm myself down. I had purposely not packed all my few belongings, knowing that I would need to have something to do while I waited. It is a custom to leave some belongings behind with other inmates. So, I had given some of my friend’s t-shirts, bowls, cups, spoons, and a few other things that I would no longer need on the outside.

No matter what I did to pass the time and calm my nerves, I could not. Guys would come by and wish me well and pat me on the back, but nothing could pass the time along quickly or calm me down.

I had been at the Santa Fe, Level Two prison facility for three years, my longest stretch of time at any one facility. I had made some good friends along the way. For a little more than a year, I had started pastoring our little, all-inmate, Heaven Bound church. One of my closest friends, Jeff, stopped by to wish me well. He and I had become close, and about a month earlier I had turned Heaven Bound over and into his hands to pastor. He offered encouragement, wisdom, and one final wrestling match before he left for work detail.

I was now sitting there by myself as the prison dormitory was nearly empty of all the inmates heading off to their assigned work details. I had no idea when they would call my name. My caseworker told me to be ready at any time that morning and I was. All you really have in prison is time, so I sat there on my bunk left alone with my thoughts, just doing time.

Although uncertainty was an unwelcome companion, there is one who sticks closer than a brother.¹ As lonely as I was, left alone with my thoughts, the peaceful presence of God surrounded me on the edge of my bunk that morning.

God spoke to my heart as clear as Jeff had just moments earlier as we wrestled and before he left for his work detail.

Son, God spoke, adversity is opportunity. Stick your nose into the wind, spread your wings, and soar.

The past five years had been filled with great and unexpected difficulties and challenges and I knew that what lay ahead of me would not be a walk in the park either. In those passing five years of incarceration I had seen man after man go through the revolving doors of the prison system. Most of them left and within months returned to do more time. What I noticed is that these men had left a physical prison behind, but they had never left the mental prison of their tormented lives, past, and bad choices behind. Therefore, their return was almost always certain.

I refused to come back to this black hole of the universe, but I knew that the only way to beat the system would require of me a great deal of work and determination to successfully overcome all the obstacles and challenges that would be facing me on the other side of these walls. As the Holy Spirit spoke these simple words into my spirit that morning, I broke into tears. I was a conundrum of uncertainty and of fierce determination. I thought of what the future would hold with a whatever it takes attitude to make it!

A FIERCE DETERMINATION

My number one goal was to gain my freedom by successfully completing five more years of parole and probation and to gain back my wife and kids in the process. The onslaught awaiting me beyond the prison doors would be fierce, but my resolve was planted firmly in the ground to succeed, no matter what. These simple words spoken into my spirit that morning would become the mantra by which I would live by from that moment forward.

Just like the children of Israel exiting the land of Egypt, I was embarking on a journey that only now, nearly eight years removed from that February morning in 2008, would I see God’s orchestration and purpose in my life beyond those prison walls. At the moment, though, all I could see before me was a mountain nearly impossible to climb, a desert so desolate that no one dare enter it, and an ocean so wide, so deep, and so stormy that statistically less than five percent have survived it. With all the odds stacked against me, I sat on the edge of my bunk staring into another black hole.

For more than eighteen months, I had thought about and planned how I wanted to leave prison. Prison was a culture shock to me. I had grown up in a peaceful, Godly home with one set of parents, being the middle child of three boys. Being from a Christian home, getting married, raising my own family with Christian values, and being in the ministry for more than a decade before entering prison, I would have never thought that I would end up doing time. Therefore, I made plans to parole with some form of dignity, if at all possible.

I wanted to exchange my prison orange uniform for a nice clean suit and tie, dress shoes, and belt. To me, in my mind, trading the prison garb for nice clothes would provide me with a sense of dignity and pride as I left the prison life behind.

I also wanted to make one more statement as I passed through those corridors for the last time. I had made up my mind that I would not turn and look back to wave or say goodbye to anyone as I passed through each slamming door behind me. With each door, I was leaving the past. It was my statement to those around me, myself, my family, and God that I would not be returning. I had a fierce determination to put it all behind me, gather some pride and dignity, and go make the best out of the future that lay before me.

During those closing months of incarceration, I wrote out plans and goals for my life. I gazed twenty-five years into the future and then began to work my way back, on paper, to having just one year remaining in prison and then began to picture and write what my life would look like.

My number one goal was to never end up in this hell hole ever again. I wrote goals for staying healthy and fit. I set goals to become wealthy and to never be poor, ever again. I made goals and plans to live and fulfill a bucket list of things I wanted to experience despite my five years of incarceration. My goals and dreams included spiritual and personal achievements along with where I wanted to be with my marriage and family. I made up my mind that these men would never see my face again in county jail or prison.

As God spoke these words into my life that morning, I realized that adversities are opportunities in disguise. It made sense, though, from everything God had been teaching me the past five years. This gave me great hope and confidence. I knew that I was going to need it in order to make it outside in the real world again.

One of the sobering realities that hit me that morning came from meeting and talking with a gentleman who had just rolled up the night before. He was spending his first twenty-four hours of incarceration behind prison walls and getting started on the long and difficult journey ahead of him as the newest inmate. I was relieved that my time was up, but I was cognizant of the despair that this man now faced. I was grateful to be wrapping up my tour, but it reminded me, all the same, of how long, dreadful, and bitter the journey had been. I was glad to be putting it all behind me and stepping into my, yet to be known, future.

VIEWING THE RE-BIRTH

I was thirty-eight years old and embarking upon the re-birthing of my life. A re-birth is the only way and the best way I can describe what I was going through. Entering prison for any period of time is like stopping or putting your life on hold. Once your time is up you then begin re-entering life but do not pick it up with where you left it. Here is what I mean.

When a person enters prison, his or her life continues with all the birthdays, holidays, seasons, and the day to day living. But the world you left behind is not the same world you will re-enter. The world you leave continues to move on without you. I had just turned thirty-four years old a couple of weeks before my sentencing and now I was re-entering the world I once knew, nearly five years into the future. I was older, but so was everyone else in my family.

My boys were eight and three when I went to prison and now they were eleven and seven, soon to be twelve and eight. I entered prison nearly five years earlier within the early stages of making a rebound and recovery with my marriage and now I was returning to a marriage that was in the early stages of divorce and financial bankruptcy.

When I went to prison in May of 2003 people had flip phones for cell phones and if you could afford it, you contracted for a phone with a camera. Cell phones had texting capabilities, but at that time who would want to text when you could talk with the person?

Now, upon my arrival back into the new world, kids, not just the adults, had cell phones and we no longer talked with one another. We were texting in code. You remember, l8ter, k, u2, and so on. Oh, and flip phones were becoming obsolete as smart phones with internet capabilities were everywhere. I entered prison knowing you could have the internet in your home, but now Wi-Fi was everywhere and the internet was accessible with most devices.

Besides the years lost, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, special occasions, sporting events, and the like with my family were the lost friends and relationships that no longer existed. Five years had removed me from the lives of people I once knew and loved, only to be replaced with other people. I would have to once again make friends and build relationships with people—that is, if they would welcome me and trust me.

With the platforms of social media, I would eventually renew some lost friendships, but just so you know My Space was the main platform at the time I came back into the real world. Facebook, Twitter, and Linked-In were either just making their mark or were simple ideas starting to manifest themselves. An iPod was in the hand of every pre-teen and teen as the iPhone was being birthed.

Another huge part of my re-birth was facing my ability to find work. I have a Bachelor of Arts degree, but now I had also gained felony charges that trump any degree or experience. I left prison with a $126 check to my name. How far that would take me and how quickly I could find a job that would pay well and allow me to advance through their system was a mystery at this point.

To make things worse, I would not be paroling back to my hometown of Las Cruces, New Mexico. Rather, I would parole over an hour away into the Sacramento Mountains of south-central New Mexico, nestled within the Tularosa Basin. I would parole to my aunt and uncle’s home twenty-five miles east of the town of Alamogordo, off NM Highway 82 in James Canyon. I knew no one except my aunt and uncle, and I was separated from my wife, Julie, and two boys, Sport and Bubba, by a hundred miles.

I would be at the mercy of my parole and probation officer to what I could and could not do when it came to being with my family one county away. I would be free from the walls of a state prison institution, but I would still be a piece of property belonging to the state of New Mexico.

CHANGE

Sitting there by myself within the final few moments of doing my time, I had all these thoughts, fears, and emotions badgering me as I faced yet another major change in my life.

There was a time in my life where I loved, embraced, or looked for change. For the most part, I was always looking outside the box for new, better, more exciting ways to do things. I don’t think I’ve ever been a stuck in the mud traditionalist who says, This has always been how we do things, and it’s not going to change! I’m willing to push the envelope, take a chance, or dare when it comes to change and trying something new or different.

Not anymore! Perhaps getting a little older had something to do with it, but the process of what my life had gone through, going on more than six years up to this point, had everything to do with it. Frequent unwanted and unwelcome change had become the norm, leaving me with a disdain for it. When you are faced with a constant sense of uncertainty and a need for adaptation to a culture or system that is not stable or clear-cut, but hostile and volatile, you become quick to resist change.

I began to realize I had been changed through the course of this institutional process and parts of me that I did not care to lose were no longer a part of me. Change had once been a cherished part of my DNA, but doing time had eroded that away. Instead of change being a friend, it had now become my enemy; unwanted, disliked, and unwelcomed! Yet, once again, on my last day of incarceration and within the waning moments before they would call my name, I was, once again, staring down change with all its close companions of uncertainty, instability, and volatility.

Unlike most of the change I had to face over the past several years, this moment of change was one I was looking forward to but struggling to embrace all at the same time. Fear and anxiety were present, raising the level of uncertainty within my mind. On one shoulder I had the voice of fear and uncertainty screaming into my ear, while on the other, I could clearly hear the peaceful, calming, still voice of God encouraging me to soar by using adversity as my lift.

HYNES!

I find it difficult to describe to you all the feelings, thoughts, and emotions I was going through on this Wednesday morning in February of 2008. One thing is for certain, they reached the extremes on both ends of the spectrum. The killer is in the wait. I hadn’t slept, I could hardly eat, and my mind and emotions were in sensory overload.

As I sat there, bent over with my elbows resting on my knees and my right leg bouncing up and down, the two faces I most wanted to see were that of Sport and Bubba, my two boys. I knew Julie would not be there, but I had asked her if the boys could come up with my parents that morning. I never got a definitive answer from her, but I could tell that the odds were against it.

I had lost five valuable years with my boys that I could never get back. That is a hefty price to pay and an unfair condition for two kids to have to live with. I wanted to get out and do all I could to redeem the lost time with them. I was a nervous bundle of energy sitting and twitching on my bunk, but I was also a very emotional and anxious father ready to re-enter my boys’ lives and be their dad again.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I stood up and walked to the window at the front of the unit, looking into the parking lot to see if my parents had arrived, or completing laps around the unit trying to kill the time, or approaching the correction officer’s control station outside the unit to ask if it was time yet, but I’m certain it was a dozen times or more that morning. I would often stand up and peer over the bunks, through the unit, to the front doors just to see if an officer was coming in to escort me out. I knew the routine because I had seen it happen many times over the years, but now it was finally my turn and the moment could not come fast enough.

Hynes, let’s go! the CO yelled with an unfriendly command.

All my thoughts and emotions quickly bundled themselves up into a package of extreme nervousness as I was caught off guard sitting alone on my bunk lost somewhere between emotions, thoughts, and feelings of anxiety. My legs could barely lift me to my feet, I was so nervous. I grabbed the box that I had packed my last few items in and began the first few steps of the journey to leave the past five years of hell behind. I was sick to my stomach with anxious nervousness and excited all at the same time.

LESSONS FROM A JACKASS

Sitting on my bunk that morning, I never knew that adversity could actually be an opportunity. Over the years that I have walked away and left the incarcerated life behind me, I have learned that adversity is more than opportunity. Adversity is our closest companion.

The opportunity to grow muscle comes through lifting weights. The ability to develop and grow your mind is achieved through reading, research, and study. Anyone who would like to grow spiritually will take on the spiritual disciplines that it will take to grow. Opportunities surround us, but the willingness to take hold of those opportunities means we must be willing to take on the adversities that come with it.

Anything worth having, becoming, or accomplishing never comes easy. I knew that what lay ahead would be filled with potholes, setbacks, and discouragement, but from my vantage point that morning none of it looked like opportunity. God was preparing me. He had to get my sight refocused on what true success looks like. With every adversity, I could choose to soar and succeed or quit and wither away.

Adversity is the only path to successful living. It doesn’t just happen. To get to the top of anything you must climb. This is using adversity to your advantage. For a bird to fly it must spread its wings, stick its nose into the wind, and fly. This is using adversity to the bird’s advantage.

Making adversity your BFF (Best Friend Forever) works to your advantage. Once I learned this principle, my life began to change for the better. I had never welcomed adversity as a friend. I looked for easier ways to the top and found none. The only way is to partner with adversity for life and use its power to create you into the person you are destined to be. To take shortcuts in life is to put your purpose and destiny on a massive detour, which is more like a derailing.

I now embrace my adversities along the trail of life and encourage you to do the same. The view from success’s soaring heights is marvelous. As you read my story, it is my hope that you will join me in the stratosphere of success that only adversity can create.

CHAPTER 2

STUBBORN PRIDE

Pride goes before destruction…²

King Solomon

TUG MEET WATER FOUNTAIN

I was working the graveyard shift for Continental Airlines Mail and Freight Division, in Houston, Texas at Bush International Airport upon graduating from high school. As one might imagine, we worked with skeleton crews most every night because there was no need for the manpower through the middle of the midnight hours.

My job consisted of separating outbound mail for their prospective flights later that morning and gathered any late inbound mail for the greater Houston area. This was a very simple job and a good place for me to work to make money for college. Although I didn’t get the opportunity to work alongside my dad, I still took pride in knowing that every morning as I punched out to go home, he was clocking in.

Living in Houston is like living in a perpetual sauna day and night. There is no escaping the heat and humidity, and Houston can get a lot of rain. There were many nights that we worked through the rain from the time we clocked in until the time we clocked out. Part of our job was to make sure that the equipment and mail stayed dry during heavy rains.

One particular night, we began to get some rain. The four of us working headed out into the rain to bring the tugs in out of the threatening weather.

As luck would have it, I got caught bringing in the last tug. It had been a slow drizzle up to that point, but just like Houston rains can be, it began to bring a downpour out of nowhere. I was following the other guys back into the warehouse when I made a decision that would completely change my work night and make me the butt of everyone’s jokes for weeks to come.

The furthermost east side door had a weighing scale where we would pull the wagons of loaded mail through and get their weight for the load planner to give to the load master for each outgoing flight. This scale had ramps on either side of it. Because the tugs were