It is My Blood to Scribe: Poetry of a Suicide Attempt Survivor

By DeQuincy A Lezine

During the struggles that culminated in multiple suicide attempts, the author produced poems and drawings expressing his inner thoughts and feelings. Although excerpts from a few poems have been used in prior spoken and written work, most have never been seen outside of the small circle of students who intervened to save their friend. 

<

• Language: English
• Publisher: Prevention Communities
• Release date: Apr 11, 2019
• ISBN: 9781733953214

DeQuincy A Lezine

DeQuincy Lezine is a suicide attempt survivor who has been active in suicide prevention since 1996. He received his Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from UCLA and completed a postdoctoral fellowship at the University of Rochester. Dr. Lezine is the Chair of the Attempt Survivor and Lived Experience Division of AAS and Co-Chair of the Consumer Survivor Committee for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Winner of the Lifetime Achievement at the SAMHSA 2015 Voice Awards, Dr. Lezine is CEO of Prevention Communities and Director of the Lived Experience Academy.

Book preview

Part 1:

History

Me with my dad and older brother

Me – with my dad and older brother

No suicidal crisis comes out of thin air. Some mix of biology and experience is under there.

Dear Alcohol

You know my family, of this I’m sure.

They, in their pain, were led and lured

By the promises made to escape from hurt,

And so, to you they would all subvert.

You got my dad. You said you’d help.

Indeed, you helped him hurt himself

And most of those he loved so dear

And even now I feel that pain here.

You got mom to feel good for a while,

But destroyed the life behind the smile.

You led her to find misery and pain

And share it with us with your name.

They inflicted us with your death

And stabbed at us with every breath.

You led both my parents in a spiral fall.

Thanks so much, dear Alcohol.

You got them drunk, then made them sick.

All these afflictions made my shell thick.

You wounded me with inherited disease,

So now I’m here, broke at the knees.

They said don’t feel, don’t tell, don’t think.

You poisoned me without a single drink.

You filtered in and destroyed it all.

You were my first enemy, dear Alcohol.

There is a history of substance use and dependence on both sides of my family. That created suicide risk for me through genetics and family environment.

The line They said don’t feel, don’t tell, don’t think is a reference to Claudia Black’s book  It Will Never Happen to Me!  about families affected by alcohol use. One of the main concepts in that book is that substance use often has a resulting legacy that carries across multiple generations, regardless of our personal history of substance use (or abstinence).

All for Nothing

I wrote in good faith, with no return.

She felt good and I got burned.

She was happy. I was depressed.

She gave nothing. I gave my best.

I kept promises. She broke them all.

She had a pedestal. I had a fall.

She became whole and I’m cut in half,

And as I cried, I’ll bet she laughed.

I stayed true, but she would lie.

She gave up, but I still tried.

I gave my all this path to pave,

And for nothing was all I gave.

I was honest. She avoided it well.

She found her heaven. I found my hell.

She found her joy. I found my loss.

She received much. I paid the costs.

I opened my heart. She shut me out.

She had certainty. I had only doubts.

I stepped forward, and she pulled back.

I reached out but then she’d retract.

I gave her my trust. She shot me down.

I gave her chances. She just turned around.

She got her hope, while I lost mine

All for nothing one more time.

Growing up in a family with substance use problems, and early traumatic experiences, decreased my level of trust. When I felt like people betrayed the love and trust that I gave