PEARLS: Women's Wisdom on Growing Older

By Dot Nuechterlein

What's it like to grow older? More than 80 American women from across the nation offer thoughtful insights on many aspects of advancing in years--the ups as well as some downs, joys along with sorrows, happy memories from the past plus contentment with much of the present. Life is worth living, they agree, even as relationship

• Language: English
• Publisher: PEARLSWW, LLC
• Release date: Jul 31, 2019
• ISBN: 9781733135719

Dot Nuechterlein

Dot Nuechterlein is similar to many women in her age group: her education--at Valparaiso University, Queen's University of Ontario, and the University of Chicago--took place with gaps in between. Rather than one career path, her life's work has included counseling, education, social services, administration, and writing. She has served as an elected official in her home city and has been a volunteer for community projects and events. On the state level she is an alumna of Indiana's Richard G Lugar Excellence in Public Service Series, and nationally she was selected for membership in Leadership America, the forerunner of today's Leadership Women. Dot is a faculty retiree from Valparaiso University, where she taught sociology classes for thirty years along with holding administrative positions in the Graduate School, the Chapel, the Department of Music, and several affiliated organizations. The Life Cycle, including Aging, was one of her special teaching areas; another was the Family, including Women's Studies. Dot was one of the first females to serve as official scorekeeper in NCAA Division 1 Men's Basketball, her hobby of more than three decades. She and her husband especially enjoy spending time with their three adult children and their families.

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FIRST WORDS

Why This Book?

PEARLS encourages women to have conversations with one another about their own individual life course. Whether thinking about what may lie ahead or wondering if others have experienced similar situations and changes, women find it helpful to hear of and talk about the positives, as well as the negatives, that come with the passing years. This book puts together first-hand accounts and wise suggestions about many issues that arise in our journey through later life. Some people are terrified of growing older—the voices here, though, inspire us to face our futures with courage and the confidence that life is worth living at all stages.

* Please note: This book is not intended to be read from first sentence to last page! Please skip around to whatever seems of interest to you. While there is some logic to the way the topics move from one to another, you don’t have to read them that way to make sense of any particular one. And jump over the introductory explanations, if you wish: Don’t care about how we got the word mentor? or how the statistics on the divorce rate are misleading? or how using technology may be more beneficial than it once was? or? or? or? or? You will not hurt my feelings if you go straight to the comments around which PEARLS is built.

* More than eighty women from 20 states coast to coast contributed to this project, about 65 by responding to a survey and the remainder in a focus group or individually. I call them all my Living Pearls. The survey questions, found at the end of the book, explored a number of issues related to growing older. The contributors are listed there as well: for the survey-takers, their first names or initials, plus state of residence, indicate they have given me permission to use their words. Please understand, though, that many comments are not exact quotations and may have been lightly edited for space or clarity, or to fit in with the general overall design. I have also removed some names and places from the comments so that opinions may be read as more universal.

Some participants prefer to remain anonymous. A handful responded to a few questions, while others wrote about everything. (I felt like I was writing my own book! one friend remarked.) I used something—but not everything—from each participant; using all the information given to me would require a much longer volume. The focus group was from a retirement community that I refer to as the Village. Plus the individuals include several women I don’t know at all that I ran into in public places. After we struck up conversations and I happened to mention what I was doing, they gave me feedback on some issues. This willingness to share, even with strangers, is one of the strengths I admire about women.

* One survey question dealt with spirituality and religion. Some respondents had little or nothing to say about that, but for a number this is a most important part of their lives, and it comes up in quite a few other topics as well. Again, skip over these comments if they are of no interest to you.

* All of us are different from one another, and your own experiences as the years go by will not be exactly like any of these women, just as they are not necessarily similar to one another. But I have no doubt that nearly any American adult female, of any age or situation, will find some words here that will bring at least a nod of recognition. We hope you will think about, and talk over, some of the facts you share with the Pearls, but also ways in which your distinct experience adds to and expands an understanding of women’s lives. Space in each section encourages you to make note of your own reactions to these issues.

* I personally know many, but not all of these women: some are friends of friends, or are on contact lists kept by organizations I am part of. Most, but not all, are probably like me—educated, middle class, Caucasian. I know some, but not all of their exact ages; still, I’m quite certain they range from their mid-50s to late 90s, which means that they are not entirely like one another and have a range of opinions based on a variety of life events in differing time periods and geographical locations.

* This book does not pretend to be the last word on any topic, and we do not try to cover everything that might be relevant. You can find much information about health, beauty, retirement, living situations, and so on from professionals in your community and in written or online sources. Few of those, though, seem to ask actual women in which ways their reality appears to match the experts’ theories and how their lives are dissimilar, but authentic anyway. We do not claim to be average or typical, as this was not a scientific study. While the book contains no footnotes and few references to sources, every person and fact discussed may be easily found in an online search. We also touch on a wide assortment of topics rather than focusing on a few.

* What we hope to accomplish is three-fold:

#1 to answer some questions that a mid-life woman might wonder about concerning what may lie ahead as she grows older;

#2 to help the already older woman compare ways in which her own aging process is similar to, or different from, others; and

#3 to give some background facts so that family members and friends may have a better idea of what their dear ones who are older—or may be estranged—might be experiencing and thinking about.

Why Pearls?

During the middle years of the 20th century typical American girls wanted no piece of jewelry so much as they craved a pearl necklace or bracelet, or perhaps a pin or a pair of earrings. These accessories didn’t have to be genuine, since even imitation pearlized beads seemed wonderful, special. It was a girl thing—boys might wear rings or ID bracelets, but those items were never created from pearls.

Even today pearls are applauded as the perfect gift for a girl or woman, no matter the occasion. They are always appropriate, Jackie Kennedy Onassis once said, and actress Grace Kelly supposedly declared, The pearl is the queen of gems and the gem of queens. For 120 years the British glossy magazine Country Life used photos of young women wearing pearls as an identifying feature in their publication, becoming known for their Girls in Pearls. Portraits of movie stars, models, First Ladies, and other famous women wearing pearls are common even today, and many of us have seen reproductions of Girl with a Pearl Earring, painted by Dutch artist Johannes Vermeer in 1665. Designers and fashion leaders insist that this is the only jewelry that complements every skin tone and may accompany all ages and stages of life.

Look up the word in a dictionary and you will find it defined as a dense, variously colored and usually lustrous concretion formed of concentric layers of nacre as an abnormal growth within the shell of some mollusks and used as a gem. A second definition refers to an item or person that is very choice or precious. In fact the name Pearl, usually given to females, means precious.

Consult an encyclopedia and you will learn in addition that this object is hard, glistening, sometimes perfectly round and smooth but normally with some variations. Natural pearls grow in the wild and are rare; most are cultured or farmed from pearl oysters and freshwater mussels, cultivated mainly for use in jewelry. This gem is a metaphor for a person or possession that has rare qualities, making it valued and admired.

In recent years the Victoria and Albert Museum in London and New York’s American Museum of Natural History mounted exhibitions detailing the history and numerous facts about pearls, while NOVA, the PBS science program, has televised similar information, much of it based on the work of gemologist Fred Ward. Recaps of all three are available online, and much of what follows here are a few highlights of these programs.

Pearls were once so expensive that at the height of the Roman Empire, when pearl fever reached its peak, the Roman general Vitellius financed an entire military campaign by selling just one of his mother’s pearl earrings. Historian Pliny the Elder wrote that Cleopatra, the last Queen of Egypt, owned the two largest pearls of her era, worth an estimated $30 million in today’s dollars; both were made into earrings, and on a bet with Marc Antony that she could give the most expensive dinner in history, she dissolved one of them in a goblet of wine and drank it down. Supposedly the concoction was considered an aphrodisiac, probably because pearls were associated with Venus and both came from the ocean.

Other literatures and cultures celebrated this gem. The Bible speaks of the pearl of great price in the parable of the man who found one and sold everything he had to buy it, which Jesus likened to the kingdom of heaven. St. Matthew warns us not to throw our pearls to the pigs, wasting what is valuable on foolish endeavors. The book of Revelation describes the twelve gates of the kingdom as being made of twelve single pearls—those Pearly Gates mentioned in spirituals and stories—and Proverbs says a virtuous wife is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls.

The Koran describes the Arabian love of pearls, while in Egypt, mother-of-pearl decorations date back to 4200 B.C. One Persian legend tells of a rainbow meeting the earth after a storm, and fertilized by a flash of lightning, the pearl was created. A Hindu legend relates how the god Krishna discovered pearls, plucking one from the sea and giving it to his daughter on her wedding day. Ancient Greeks were convinced that wearing pearls when they married would prevent women from crying. Today’s brides, though, wear them for their beauty, especially in June when the birthstone of the month coincides with traditional wedding times. Another ancient tale suggests that the tears Eve cried when banished from the Garden of Eden turned into pearls.

Around the time Columbus happened upon North America on his way to find spices in the Far East, other Europeans were sailing off to Asia and the Persian Gulf seeking the pearls brought up from the deep by fishermen and divers. American settlers learned to harvest freshwater pearls from inland rivers in what we now call the Midwest, causing some merchants overseas to refer to the United States as the Land of Pearls. Seaports all over the world, including Pearl Harbor (the Hawaiian word means Waters of Pearl) hosted pearl dives well into the 1800s. Overfishing depleted the oyster beds and pollution from expanding industrialization took its toll, but by then a process for cultivating pearls from mussels became popular, making it possible for even the non-wealthy to own them.

Why Women’s Wisdom?

Throughout much of history pearls have been identified as primarily pertaining to women, although this oldest known and most valuable gem is no longer reserved for royalty and the wealthy. Its timeless luster symbolized purity, honesty, loyalty, integrity, and wisdom—all thought to be feminine virtues.

In particular, pearls symbolize wisdom acquired through experience, and in these pages the several dozen women you meet—my Living Pearls—having lived through the early and middle stages of life, are happy to share with you their thoughts and insights on what they have experienced and learned about Growing Older.

Consider that word Growing:

It means developing, thriving, expanding, building, producing, advancing, maturing, flourishing, improving. Those synonyms all have positive connotations, right? And yet, when the word growing is placed in front of the word older, suddenly all the undertones turn negative. Then it seems to mean becoming frail and dependent, sickly and complaining, uninteresting and disengaged from life. Nobody, it seems, wants to get—or to be—old. Aged.

PEARLS illustrates that modern society’s typical notion of the older person is inaccurate and obsolete. Partly that’s because it is based on a faulty idea about the life cycle.

There are three basic pictures of what human aging looks like: a mountain, a ladder, and rolling foothills. If you envision the first, as many do, you see most people as growing, rising, up up up the mountain—and then getting to the top, where they may linger for a bit, only to suddenly fall off. According to this view, when someone retires, faces an empty nest, has health challenges, reaches a certain birthday, and so on, life might just as well be over.

Next is the ladder notion that was especially in vogue early in the 20th Century when French psychologist/pharmacist Emile Coué taught his patients to heal themselves by repeating over and over, every day, that they were getting better and better—sure that soon they would spend their remaining time believing that to be true. The progression in this theory goes up and up and never stops till the end. The American version of this conviction was the Power of Positive Thinking, still practiced today but now usually seen as a way of coping with adversity, not as a total philosophy of life. This ladder continues to go up, but has some missing rungs that cause minor, temporary setbacks.

Neither of those two pictures is realistic or true. This book, and most of the women quoted in it, see the life course as similar to hiking in foothills: one ascends little by little, facing both ups and downs along the way and, except for a fatal accident or abrupt health crisis, reaching the end in a more or less gradual slope. After all, growing up for a child has its share of distress, too—and how many of us look back on, say, our early teen experiences in junior high or middle school with total delight? Instead we often speak of growing pains, acknowledging that our milestones and accomplishments are interspersed with their share of miseries. Life is an adventure, and as backpackers may tell you, the views from the heights are often made sweeter by challenges that seem to be roadblocks along the way.

The Pearls are neither afraid nor ashamed of the later parts of life. Have there been sorrows? Of course. Have they faced adversity? Certainly. Have they had periods of self-doubt, defeat, or even despair? Yes, indeed. They understand that life is not all sweetness and light. They’ve learned, though, how to deal with and overcome the down times while enjoying and celebrating the many uplifting intervals.

They’ll share with you what they’ve discovered, fears about things that did not happen, how they’ve adapted to physical challenges, how they’ve dealt with losses, how they create and sustain family relationships and friendships, how they’ve determined the important and meaningful aspects of their lives. Many of their hopes and dreams and goals continue throughout what some have referred to as the lifelong adventure of growing up.

As mentioned earlier, you can find many books, articles, and newsletters from medical and dietary specialists devoted to older women’s health and nutrition needs. Financial experts gladly outline retirees’ monetary strategies, and caregivers note changing housing considerations. Plenty of people give advice on how to look and feel young, while counselors and clergy speak to spiritual and relationship issues. A number of additional topics are also addressed in the popular press.

This book, though, shows you from the point of view of women who have been there, faced that how to put it all together—and make a life. Their wise words encourage you to start at wherever stage you are and recognize that you yourself are a Living Pearl, too.

Why Not Men?

Men? I have always liked them. I enjoy knowing them, conversing and sharing with them, just being around them. Over the years I’ve been fortunate to have and to appreciate many male friends, colleagues, students, athletes, coaches, other sports persons—even some referees! And a few I’ve loved a lot—husband Jim, son John, son-in-law Stan, grandson-in-law Nolan, father Erich, brothers Ted and Rick, not to mention nephews, cousins, in-laws, and others.

So some have asked me why this book is about women only. Why not men, too? After all, as human creatures we do have things in common—shouldn’t thoughts about growing older apply to all of us equally? The thing is, though, throughout life we are separated by many physical circumstances. For instance, I have never had my voice crack and change; I have never once scraped my face with a sharp utensil; I’ve never had a wet dream or stood to answer the call of nature; I have never (since maybe babyhood) been out of doors totally bare from the waist up—or grown fur on my chest, for that matter.

In other words, I have no idea what it feels like to be a person who undergoes those sorts of experiences. Women are not all alike by any means, but our physical lives are shaped by certain similarities (see my description of the three M’s later in this book) which in turn lead to some familiarity with one another’s concerns. I can look at a female of any age, any situation, and have at least an idea of what it might feel like to be