My Hero: Open the Door to Restoration

By Pamela J Heil

My Hero is a tale of survival. It paints an ugly picture of my journey through childhood sexual abuse.
Shortly after my father was killed serving his country, my mother married a predator. I was less than one year old.
Not long after, my mother was confined to a state mental hospital. My brothers and I were left alone with our derang

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Oct 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9781640883369

Book preview

Her friends will tell you

Pam is a deeply caring and sensitive woman who, out of her compassion, can reach out and touch other people to give them the courage to make changes in their own lives.

Pam is a shining light for the Lord. Because her life has changed so much, she has seen her whole family transformed.

She is now living a balanced life, going to school, and growing.

There are only a few people in your life to whom you can go to when you are discouraged or in a crisis that truly care; care enough to listen, care enough to encourage, care enough to pray for you, and care enough to truly offer themselves as a living sacrifice. Pam is that person.

Pam will tell you

God has truly given me a new life and He wants to do that for everyone. He does not love me more than anyone else.

Pam’s heart continues to reach out to the wounded. Pam has invested her life into bringing hope and healing to the broken. She has developed and led recovery groups at churches for the past twenty-three years, is the host of Freedom Seekers radio show, and founder of My Soul Restoration Training Program.

Pam felt God call her to help bring healing to the emotionally broken during a healing service. As she sat in the back of the church with a friend who was going through a divorce, the pastor announced that he was going to pray for the sick who came to the altar. People began moving out of their seats to form a line. Tears fell from Pam’s eyes, and she could hardly breathe. Inside, Pam felt the wounds of the past and could hardly get out of her seat. She felt so broken and wondered if she could ever be healed.

I turned to see my friend, also crying. I asked God to heal her, and I promised God that night if He would heal me, I would form healing lines for those who were broken in their emotions. I put my arm around my friend and prayed out loud for the first time. I whispered in her ear that God loved her and that we both saw her pain and that it was going to be okay. I did not know that He took me at my promise that night, but I have been living it out ever since then. He has healed me, trained me, and commissioned me. Pam Heil, 1989

Foreword

Many people think they should be able to understand God, not just know Him. This is a strange idea. We know from Scripture that Christ is the great Creator God who maintains all creation by His very person.

John 1:1-5 declares everything that is, was created by Him, In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by Him and without Him was not anything made that was made. In Him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not (KJV).

Colossians 1:15-20 says that Christ, Who is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of every creature: For by Him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by Him, and for Him: And He is before all things, and by Him all things consist. And He is the head of the body, the church: who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead; that in all things He might have the preeminence. For it pleased the Father that in Him should all fullness dwell; And, having made peace through the blood of His cross, by Him to reconcile all things unto Himself; by Him, I say, whether they be things in earth, or things in heaven (KJV).

How exactly are you to understand and therefore explain, such a great God? A while back I was trying to counsel a pastor’s wife over the phone. She was desperately trying to trust God when going through events such as flying. She wanted to travel with her husband, but she was overcome by fear as soon as the plane took off. I found a website that had an animation of what it would look like if you departed the earth from the top of the Himalayas, traveled past our solar system and ended on the edge of the universe. (You can find this at the homepage of mcgeeandme.net). Watching this animated video brought her great peace as she more clearly realized who she was trusting. I have encouraged many people to watch the animation until they think of it as they pray.

Many groups today seem to bring God down so that He is not all that impressive. I am concerned that those who hold Him in such casual regard will find little comfort in casting their cares upon Him or hiding themselves in His protection.

Some Christians are even embarrassed by the understanding that God knew them even before creation. I am not saying that anyone can adequately explain this, but if it were not important, God would not have told us. He wants us to feel secure in Him and realize that His knowledge of our lives began in eternity past. Because He knows you and has anticipated your living, He has both planned and prepared the rest of your life. Hebrews 4:1 says the only thing we are to fear as His children is that we not enter His rest.

We should know that He is powerful enough and wise enough to take care of us. This should lead us to be thankful as we look forward to where, like a shepherd, He leads us. God states that while we were still His enemies in our minds and prior to our deserving any favor from Him, Christ paid for our sins. In fact, His was an overpayment so vast that any attempt to add to His sacrifice is grossly unacceptable.

Scripture also leads us to believe that there was only one reason for God’s redemption: He loves us. That the Creator, Maintainer, Eternal God was moved by His love for us individually may be the most profound feature of His relationship with you and me. He knew you before the foundations of the world. That is right. He personally knew and chose you. He did not do this out of compulsion or somehow to add to whom He is. He did this just because of the absolute love He has for us personally.

With the proceeding in mind, we read Pam’s story. As with children who have been abused, she suffered from what the Bible describes as a crushed heart. The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit (Psalm 34:18 KJV).

As I thought of how loving it was for Jesus to show Himself to her and how this might bother some people, Christ reminded me that He was always with me, and that I should acknowledge that whether I could see Him or not. In John 10:27 Jesus said, My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me (KJV).

The same Creator, Maintainer God is not only always with us, but is speaking to us. He will be just as real to us as He was to Pam when she was a young girl. As you read of Christ being there interacting with Pam, know that He will do no less for you. He has been doing this all along.

If you will allow the Holy Spirit to teach you who the Father and Son are to you, reading this book will open you to God’s healing of your broken heart as well.

Dr. Robert McGee

Author, The Search for Significance, best-selling book endorsed by Billy Graham. Founder of the 35 Rapha Treatment Centers.

Introduction

Thank you for joining me on this healing journey. I want you to know that the encounters I had during my healing are very personal. This may not be the way you will experience yours. That is okay! I share with you not a writing style as much as my encounters.

I have found that most people tend to focus more on the ugliness of their past, which takes them to dark, scary places. In order to diffuse fear, God will take this ugliness off center stage and expose His light and healing as you travel on His healing path. By bringing your issue into the light, He can expose the filth and shame of your tragedy in order to bring about the healing of your soul.

I spent hours writing what I personally lived through with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It was a very sweet and intimate time with my Hero and His Word. For the purpose of clarity, my Hero is Jesus Christ. My guide and teacher is the Holy Spirit. I pray through reading this, you will come to find your healing through Christ as I have.

Healing from emotional damage is not always some big flashy occurrence. While I spent hours with my Hero, I also spent hours working on my character. I accomplished this by using the Bible as my main source.

I also sought out good books and authors. I studied The Search for Significance by Dr. Robert McGee, over and over again until I could believe what it said and apply it to my life. Through that book, I was able to learn how much God loved me and began to see myself through God’s eyes for the first time in my life.

As I studied Conquering Codependency by Pat Springle, I learned I was NOT the sacrificial lamb and through Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, I learned that I had the right to say, No!

I attended ongoing support groups and have stayed in recovery. As I found healing, I was eager to share my experience by becoming a leader of recovery groups. I wanted others to find the healing I had found. I still lead recovery groups today, and that is where the heart of this book comes from, the need to reach out for support. As you reach out for support in a Christ-centered community, you will find advocates to come alongside you in your journey of healing.

Early in my journey, I attended a church that didn’t have recovery groups. I came forward and asked if I could help them launch one. We saw such incredible healing that I went on to launch recovery groups at numerous large churches in my area. Churches from other areas began to consult with me on how they could start recovery groups. My journey of healing became greater than I could have ever imagined. Above all, I found healing through my quiet, personal encounters with my Hero, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. This is what happens when you spend time with my Hero; you become like Him.

Prologue

Welcome to my life! The first thing you should know is that there are two of me. One is a wounded little girl. The other is a balanced, somewhat whole, and mature woman. They are both a part of me. I have had to get used to living with and loving all of me. I would like to say that I have been cured or delivered from the pain of my childhood. However, I am not finished. Recovery has been a journey, and at times, it has been a wonderful, enlightened adventure. At other times the path has been rough, dark, and scary.

As an adult, I still have traces of the little girl in my personality. Sometimes this can be fun, for I am able to start over or adjust easily to new situations as children can. However, the wounded part of the little girl comes out at unexpected times. This can bring feelings of insecurity or rejection, even in the midst of a solid relationship. Suddenly, I have a hard time bonding or trusting, and I want to retreat into a secluded cocoon.

When someone gets angry with me in my adult life, I might find myself responding through the mind and emotions of the abused child. The well-adjusted Pam is pushed aside; the wounded Pam rises to survive. Because I had none of my needs met as a small child, I sometimes do not recognize the needs of others. Or, on the other hand, I can overly concern myself with them. These inner divisions aggravate me. I think, Why can’t I just respond like a normal person? If this sounds familiar, this book is written for you.

I have experienced a great deal of healing by learning new ways to handle pain and disappointment. My purpose in writing this book is for you to see how healing can come, no matter how painful your past has been.

God’s plan for healing is so simple that anyone and everyone can experience complete healing. But please do not confuse simple with easy! Recovering from emotional damage is never easy. Just as it takes time and special attention to mend a broken arm, it takes time to mend your broken heart.

I feel your pain because I have experienced great heartache. Everyone’s pain is important and needs attention, no matter how big or small. Everyone’s damage is unique. It is my sincere desire to help you work through your own painful memories in a godly way.

Some of you may already have a close relationship with God, or you may feel distant from Him and angry with Him, as I once did. Wherever you are in your walk, it is my hope that this story of how God has worked in my life will help you to know His true character and His love for you. I pray it will help you to draw near to Him and allow Him to do the healing work He longs to do in your life as He did in mine.

Here is the format of the book: Each chapter will begin with a memory of my childhood, described as it came to me within the shelter of God’s presence.

These stories are told as if I am transported to the past to watch myself and the events that happened to me as if watching a video. The Let’s Talk section discusses in greater depth what I learned from looking at that chapter of my life.

If you are using this story as a means of working out your own issues, the following workbook contains further insights into a particular issue common to survivors of all abuse as it has come to light in the chapter. If you are in pain and have done nothing about it, this could be your first step. If you have done some counseling or recovery work, this might assist you on your path to healing and recovery. This book is not intended to take the place of counseling, medication, a regular Bible study, church attendance, or participation in support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. Any or all of these things may be needed in your complete recovery and healing process. They are all permissible, available, and should be investigated. The key to wholeness is balance.

WARNING: PLEASE READ CAREFULLY

Reading my story may evoke strong feelings and bring back painful memories for you if you were abused, especially as a child. If you experience this while reading my story, please stop and pray:

Heavenly Father, please cover my pain right now with your peace and love. Give me your strength to go on. Do not allow my feelings to overwhelm me.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Come walk with my Hero and me on a journey

of healing and restoration.

Anxiety

Lord, I’m feeling anxious.

My thoughts keep racing past,

and though I’m really trying,

I simply can’t relax.

My heart rate seems to quicken,

I feel such urgency.

And any quiet that I have

is quick to run from me.

The Lord of Peace then answers

and sings to me a song,

and as He whispers,

Peace be still

my storms within are gone.

by Anne Peterson © 2000

In the Garden

Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in His eyes.

Ephesians 1:4

In my memory, light pierced the darkness. Someone moved into the small room. I saw a small, frail girl, dressed in a tattered nightshirt, facing the corner of her dark and dreary bedroom. Her blond, curly hair was tossed in tangled disarray. She sat frozen in fear, too scared to turn and see who had entered. A hand reached out from the darkness, touching her slender shoulder. Reluctantly, her head turned. A mop of yellow curls framed her small and delicate face. Her features looked strong against her porcelain skin. Her hands flew to cover her mouth. Fear snapped her blue eyes wide open as she found herself staring into another set of eyes that seemed to pierce her very soul. All fear drained from her. She had not anticipated seeing eyes filled with love... love that spilled into her, filling her with hope.

A familiar, inflexible resolve abruptly rose in her heart. No! her mind shouted. Don’t trust anyone, don’t feel! Let no one get close to you, or you’ll just get hurt! Don’t believe what you feel right now. Hold onto the pain! It will protect you. You can’t trust anything!

Pam! Stop! A strong voice broke through into my memory. It is too soon to look back at your painful childhood memories. Look at Me! I turned to look into those eyes of love. He spoke, Let us first look at our relationship. You need to feel safe and protected before you examine your pain of when you were a little girl. Do you remember when our relationship started? He asked. I closed my eyes momentarily to concentrate. Then my eyes opened.

I remember, I said. In my mind, I pictured the day God came into my life. I saw that I was standing in the middle of what seemed to be a neglected, weed-infested garden. It was surrounded by a high, fortified stone wall. At the entrance was a large iron gate with a heavy lock. All that remained of the walkway was decayed, crumbling stone. As I looked around, I could still see remnants of the original garden, although weeds had long ago choked out most of the flowers. The fountain, once filled with fresh water, was cracked and unable to hold even the rain that fell into it. The ivy growing up the wall had died long ago, leaving only sparse brown cords and dried-out leaves.

Once again, I was filled with fear. I desperately wanted to get out of this ugly place that seemed occupied by death. I turned and ran as fast as I could run to the garden’s gate. I stopped abruptly, remembering the gate was locked! How could I open it if I didn’t have a key? Desperate, I reached out my hand and gingerly pushed on the rusty old gate. To my surprise, the lock fell to the ground.

How did that happen? A loud creaking sound broke the silence. The gate had opened just an inch. Fear and dread overtook me. I ran quickly, jumping over the underbrush, back to the safety of my hiding place. I realized I felt safer concealed in my secret garden of death than I did venturing into the unknown world beyond these walls. I felt like a prisoner, even though there was no longer a lock on the gate. I stood still, trembling violently, trying to regain my composure.

I felt a familiar gentle breeze. As I turned and saw