I Know Myself and Neither Do You: Why Charisma, Confidence and Pedigree Won't Take You Where You Want To Go

By Ray Williams

All great leaders know this ancient secret.

 It wasn't luck. You've worked hard to get to the top. And now you want more. Using your time, talent and tenacity differently will he

• Language: English
• Publisher: Aurelias Publishing
• Release date: Apr 24, 2020
• ISBN: 9781734897913

Ray Williams

Ray Williams is a best-selling author, executive coach and leadership trainer and former CEO and HR Executive for the past 35 years.

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Testimonials

"Self-awareness is one of the most important leadership traits nobody talks about. And yet it is absolutely critical for emotional intelligence. I Know Myself and Neither Do You is a must-read for anyone looking to propel their leadership skills to the next level." --Emma Seppälä, Associate Director for the Center for Compassion and Altruism, Research and Education, Stanford University School of Medicine; Co-Director of the Yale College Emotional Intelligence Project at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence; Faculty Director at the Yale School of Management’s Leadership Program; and author of the best seller, The Happiness Track.

"Ray Williams makes a compelling case for self-awareness as the key to leader success. Using in-depth research, case studies and personal insights, Williams shows how current and aspiring leaders can better understand themselves and improve their performance by recognizing the importance of self-awareness and taking action to improve it for the benefit of their team and organization. The book is a must have book on your reference shelf." --Marshall Goldsmith, the only two-time Thinkers 50 #1 Leadership Thinker in the world and the New York Times #1 best-selling author of Triggers, Mojo, and What Got You Here Won’t Get You There.

"I Know Myself and Neither Do You is a wonderful compendium of research, thinking and tactics to help you improve your appreciation of self-awareness." – Dan Pontefract, Founder, Pontefract Group; keynote speaker; leadership strategist; and author of three best- selling books, including Lead. Care. Win. and Open to Think. leaders is a lack of self-awareness. This deficiency has nothing to do with intelligence. It comes with a reluctance to focus on self, which is natural because leaders are outwardly focused. I Know Myself and Neither Do You by Ray Williams can provide the insights leaders need to focus on in order to develop their self-awareness. The book offers real-world advice on developing your inner self through reflection and other means. I Know Myself and Neither Do You is a book leaders will want to read now and keep on the shelf for future reference."-- John Baldoni, 2019 Global Gurus Top 20; Inc.com Top 50 Leadership Expert; one of Marshall Goldsmith Top 100 Coaches; and author of many books on leadership, including GRACE: A Leader’s Guide to a Better Us.

"I Know Myself and Neither Do You explains various aspects of self-awareness with striking stories and offers tools and techniques for leaders to develop their self-awareness. It elaborates emotional intelligence and mindfulness. It is an inspiring book on life leadership with examples and anecdotes. It appends with exercises including self-awareness assessment and mindfulness assessment for readers to assess themselves. I strongly recommend reading it!"— Professor M. S. Rao, #1 Thought Leader and Influencer on Culture Globally by Thinkers 360 and author of over 45 books including 21 Success Sutras for CEOs.

"In I Know Myself and Neither Do You, Ray Williams argues that a lack of leader self-awareness is the key to failure or success. Ray provides an in-depth examination of the historical and psychological elements of both internal and external self-awareness, with examples of how the key attribute can elevate leadership to greatness. The book gives the reader concrete strategies and tools on how leaders can raise their self-awareness." --Dan Schawbel, a New York Times bestselling author and the Managing Partner of Workplace Intelligence, and bestselling author of Back to Human: How Great Leaders Create Connection in the Age of Isolation, a Washington Post bestseller.

"Ray Williams gives a well-researched, insightful guide to self-awareness and the skills leaders need today to thrive in their roles in his new book, I Know Myself and Neither Do You. His years of experience are shown on every page and there is something to take away in every chapter. This book is perfect for modern leaders looking to better understand themselves, top leadership qualities and how to lead an effective team as a result."—Eric Teruende, Co-Founder, NoW of Work, International Speaker (250+ stages,) bestselling author of Rethink Work.

"In I Know Myself and Neither Do You, Ray Williams gives us a detailed examination of the critical importance of self-awareness for current and aspiring leaders, referencing the psychological, neuroscience and historical research on self-awareness and the value of self-reflection and solitude. Ray provides two case studies from his coaching experience, illustrating leaders with contrasting insufficient and enhanced self-awareness. The book is a valuable reminder of the central feature of good leadership is self-awareness and gives us invaluable strategies and tips on how to improve it." --Maninder Dhaliwal, ICD.D, President and CEO of Lions Gate International.

Copyright © 2020 Ray Williams

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief cited quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain ether non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Library of Congress Catalog-in-Publication Data available upon request

I know myself and neither do you: why charisma, confidence and pedigree won’t take you where you want to go /by Ray Williams

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-7348979-0-6

(Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-7348979-1-3

(e-book)

1. Self-awareness. 2. Know thyself

Note: The names, details and circumstances may have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned in this publication. This publication is not intended as a substitute for the advice of health care individuals.

Dedication

For my wife, partner and friend,

Diane, in gratitude for her

inspiration and never-ending support.

And for my father, Brinley Williams, a man of

exquisite integrity and honor and a shining

example of a master of himself.

Acknowledgements

Diane Williams, my wife, has edited this book several times and provided incisive and valuable direction and advice in addition to her unwavering support for this endeavour.

Stephanie Frank, best-selling author, successful entrepreneur and long time invaluable friend helped me focus on the essence of my message and how to deliver it to my audience effectively.

Mike Desjardins, Founder and CEO of Virtus Inc., a Vancouver-based leadership training and coaching company, has provided insightful feedback both on his personal journey of self-awareness and on the impact of the contents of this book, and what it is trying to achieve.

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Preface

Introduction

A Self-Awareness Tale of Robert and Daniel

What is Self-Awareness and Why Does It Matter?

Self-Awareness Through the Ages

Core Beliefs, Values and Self-Identity

What Does Self-Awareness Research Tell Us?

Why is it So Difficult to be Self-Aware?

How Busyness Interferes with Self-Awareness

How Self-Esteem Has Damaged Self-Awareness

How Mindless Work Diminishes Self-Awareness

The Case for Self-Reflection

Emotional Intelligence and Self-Awareness

Mindful Self-Awareness

How Humility Enhances Self-Awareness

How Doing Nothing Helps You Be More Self-Aware

Silence is Golden

The Power of Solitude

How Reading Fiction Aids Self-Reflection

The Self-Awareness Scorecard for Robert and Daniel

The Self-Aware Leader

Strategies for Developing Your Self-Awareness

Afterword

References

Appendix A

Appendix B

Appendix C

Appendix D

About the Author

Preface

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.

Sun Tzu, The Art of War

I wrote this book before the full impact of the Covid-19 virus hit us. The impact has produced devastating damage and changes to the way we work and socialize that will have far-reaching effects. The forced isolation has fuelled anxiety, fear, depression and grief. At the same time, physical distancing and isolation have presented us with opportunities to relate and work differently, and given us substantially more time for self-reflection and self-awareness.

A Personal Story

My father, Brinley Williams was a great man. He knew what was important in life and how to conduct himself honorably and with humility. He was deeply self-reflective and was the most self-aware person I have ever known. Brinley had a difficult and challenging life, yet he exuded a quiet, powerful confidence and stillness that had a calming effect on me an all those who knew him. I loved to hear his life stories about his childhood working in the coal mine in Wales, leaving home at the tender age of 14, and at the age of 16 (with his parents’ blessing), joining the British Army and serving in the Middle East for eleven dangerous years.

He went on to work for the British Foreign Service and was stationed in Hong Kong starting in the early 1930’s. Which is where he met my mother who had immigrated to Hong Kong from Mexico. My father, mother, sister and brother were taken prisoner by the Japanese upon their invasion in 1941, and spent the remainder of the WWII in Stanley Internment Camp.

My parents did not like to speak about their brutal experience in the camp, and as I had been born in the POW camp, one month before the end of the war, I had few memories to rely upon. I’m thankful to my older sister, who remembered those years and readily shared her painful memories with me.

Toward the end of his life, when I was a grown man, my father more readily shared life his story with me. One day, we walked together in his garden among the award-winning flowers that he loved so much.

He pulled a weed out of the garden by his feet as he talked. He told me how he had survived the childhood years in the coal mine in Wales, and desert warfare in the Middle East while in the British Army; and the Battle for Hong Kong; then the years in the Hong Kong POW camp and years of recuperation after. As he spoke of those times, it was clear to me it was his ability to go to a place of calmness, and stillness, separated from the chaos around him that enabled him to survive and help his family survive. He said he was able to go to that private and powerful place within him to reach his innermost thoughts and feelings, and that gave him the strength to go on living, to survive the worst.

Every day in the POW camp, he said, he would find a quiet corner of the camp after his duties for family were done, and quietly contemplate his inner feelings, and then focus on one thought--let’s get through today. For almost four years he had to be a pillar of strength and calm and help his family deal with insufficient food, appalling conditions and protect them as much as he could from the brutality of the Japanese captors. His biggest test was when my mother miraculously became pregnant with me, but became very ill, and the camp doctor didn’t think she or I would live. He had to tell my brother and sister than she might die. We both survived—barely.

In his retirement years, my father loved to spend quiet times in solitude, either reading fiction, working in the garden, painting or writing, or simply reflecting. It’s not that he was anti-social or lonely. Indeed, he had spent his life in public service consistently interacting with others and his family. It’s that he valued the time with himself for reflection.

Brinley Williams was keenly aware of his emotions and the impact he had on others. It was my experience with him that stimulated my interest in self-awareness and prompted me to make sincere efforts at self-mastery.

He knew who he was, and it was apparent in every word he spoke and action he took with great consistency. And this personal mastery gave him the skills and power to be more sensitive to and intuitive with other people, as well as emanate a great strength and resilience.

In contrast, so many leaders today lack that self-awareness.

Leadership is in crisis today. Leaders in organizations and institutions worldwide have failed to deliver on their promises, inspire people and initiate changes to improve people’s well-being and that of our planet. In poll after survey, trust in our leaders is at an all-time low. In both government and business, media stories abound about corruption and wrong doing. All too often leaders act out of self-interest, blind to the welfare of others. The result often is political and social unrest, and declining productivity and wellbeing in the workplace.

Many observers and pundits have given explanations for the current negative state, ranging from the negative impact of technology to increasing polarization and tribalism of the population and income inequality, but many of those factors are external to the inner workings of people, and the solutions offered are often external as well. Rarely do the pundits look inside.

This book looks inside the minds and hearts of leaders as a perspective and strategy that could change the culture of organizations and address the issues identified above. I suggest that the development of greater self-awareness by leaders can be a powerful way of improving our working lives, and perhaps also our personal lives.

I argue that leader self-awareness as a core foundational piece of emotional intelligence has been relatively ignored as a leadership and organizational strategy, yet the benefits and positive impact can be significant.

Part of that strategy would be a shift from leader self-interest and focus on external things to a greater focus on a leader’s thoughts, and emotions, which in turn impact the leader’s decisions and actions.

Allied to this shift is the need for leaders to embrace solitude and quiet reflection time, which aids in self-awareness to improve the quality of their decisions, ideas and relationships.

This book describes the research on self-awareness and also outlines specific activities that leaders can engage in to improve their self-awareness. The book is a natural progression from my previous book, Eye of