Finding 40: A Mother's Walk With Grief

By Chalese Stevens

Chalese Stevens faced every mother's worst nightmare in June of 2004. She lost her four-year-old son when he drowned in a water park swimming pool. From that day forward, motherhood changed into a nautical journey through loss and grief.  This grieving mother has been able to face her devastating loss by turning her story into t

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rainy Days Foundation
• Release date: May 8, 2020
• ISBN: 9781513659206

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By Chalese Stevens

Finding 40: A Mother’s Walk with Grief

Copyright © 2020 Chalese Stevens

Published by: Rainy Days Foundation

Cover and Interior Typography:Diane Serpa at GreyCatDot Digital Design

Editor: Mary L. Holden

Cover Image: Painting by Chalese Stevens; photography by Taylor M. Prows

ISBN (print) 978-1-5136-5919-0 ISBN (eBook) 978-1-5136-5920-6

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher, except for brief and direct quotations in a book review.

Dedication

To my Bug, my angel, Kaleb

To my Mini Me, Dani

To my Bubba-Roo, DeeJ

Note to Readers

We are all fighting a battle most of us know nothing about. We are suffering behind our smiles. We are searching for a reason to keep moving forward with purpose and intention. We all know that life is not easy, that it wasn’t designed to be. We crave answers and validation and we pray to whatever higher power we believe in that it will all be worth it.

We fear judgement, especially after tragic accidents that end in loss. We replay those moments over and over in our heads wishing we would have done something different; completely taking the blame already for what possibly could have been avoided. We live in a world where we want answers. As parents, we feel as though we would have done something different in that moment. Maybe we would have, but the truth is we don’t really know.

I had been guilty of judging parents in that way—believing that I would have been better, or different. And then, tragedy happened to me—a drowning accident—the loss of my son. I know I will never be completely free from the depths of wondering if I would have done something different but have accepted that what happened is now my truth. There is no going back, only moving forward. The purpose for sharing my journey throughout the pages of this book is to inspire hope and healing, to bring light in your darkest times, and fill your heart and your soul with both believing and knowing you are not alone.

Like my journey, this book is not in chronological order.

It is composed of memories, thoughts, journal entries, letters, and poems.

Yes, there is grief here…but there is so much more.

Purpose

Is there really a meaning?

Some purpose for our pain?

We give credit to the strong

when it’s been you all along.

Loving.

Caring.

Sacrifice.

It’s what we do each day.

There’s a reason for our crying.

It’s supposed to be this way.

We stand back being helpless.

Our children suffer

Some, they die.

We’re surrounded by the caring

but still no answers to our Why?

Alone here in the silence

of people living out their lives.

Talking.

Laughing.

Playing.

Husbands dining with their wives,

ignoring you, the suffering,

mocking pain seen on TV.

Building up the toughest wall

for love’s no longer free.

To me is whom they always turn

their diamond in the rough.

Shining.

Smiling.

Hoping.

It helps, but not enough.

The things we seem to want the most

are the things we rarely get.

Do I believe in miracles?

I haven’t seen one yet.

Maybe what we need is faith

that someone holds a light.

Could there really be a purpose?

We don’t know unless we fight.

40!

Waking up alone on my 40th birthday…no one to bring me coffee, sweetly kissing me on the forehead whispering, Happy birthday, my love. No one to come home to, no one to kiss goodnight. Instead, I am waking up as a single mom who got laid off from her job, deciding to go back to school to pursue her dream in writing, and running my nonprofit, as well as moving with her children into a basement apartment, agreeing to be a caregiver once again.

This was not something I imagined I would be doing, but then again, I learned long ago that my life was not ever going to be exactly how I think it should be. I learned the beauty in recognizing that life is made up of experiences that we must adapt to. Those experiences form who we are. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe in manifesting and being able to create life the way you envision it. I believe in working towards goals and never giving up. And I believe everyone has the power to get through anything. This is how waking up on my 40th birthday by myself felt. It did not make me lonely. It made me feel fulfilled.

I have the best friends in the world. I told them that I never had a bachelorette party. I was single, turning 40, and wanted to have the best party ever! That is exactly what I got. There was cake, there were drinks, there was music, there was dancing (even on a pole) and there were over 20 of my closest friends—laughing, taking pictures, and having a blast in a private room that required them to use the password Fortylicious at the door.

BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!

Yes. My life is quite phenomenal, and I am in love with being me. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that there is a purpose for the heartache, struggle and pain I have experienced throughout my life. My healing journey has led me here.

I am wild, I crave freedom. Being the extrovert that I am, I recharge by being around people—most of the time. As much as I love putting on a show and being the center of attention, I have found peace and healing in being alone.

I find who I am when no one else is around. Those are the times when I dive deep—and I mean deep into my feelings of loss and pain and heartache. Deep into the inner child that cries for someone to love her. Deep into my grief. Deep into my soul, asking myself the hard questions.

Does grieving ever truly end? Can I ever be the kind of mom I always wished I was to my living children when the one that so often consumes me has passed? Will I ever feel like this hole inside of my heart will be filled? Will I ever fully heal? At one point I believed that; now I understand that there is no end, it is not about that. It is about the process, the journey and how the experience transforms you.

I am not your typical mom. Along with the two incredible children I have and am raising, I am the mom of an angel boy. I have been writing this book for 15 years because the healing journey of grief never ends. It becomes part of a person. It is my ‘new normal.’ Every anniversary, every birthday, every milestone that is not part of how it should have been in the normal world, tears flow, and I have to find a way to accept it, find the beauty in it, and even discover gratitude for the tragedy.

The openness, rawness, and vulnerability I possess when sharing my story of loss has created healing for me, and a safe place for those who are around me. Such healing radiates light and gives hope. There are so many layers to healing, and some of them I’ve shed throughout my journey—a journey that must navigate curves, goes up or downhill, winds in a spiral, feels rough, or, lets me skate with ease and dance with grace.

When my son died, I wanted nothing to do with grief books. What did those authors know? How could they possibly understand how I felt? I didn’t want to read about the psychology of my pain; I needed to feel it on my own. I didn’t even want to hear other people crying about their losses, so I didn’t go to group therapy. They were all in pain, just like me, and they