Where Do I Go from Here?: Going From Living in Darkness to Living in God's Marvelous Light

By Teresa Thomas

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rustik Haws LLC
• Release date: May 8, 2020
• ISBN: 9781952617607

Teresa Thomas

I am a published author and life coach. I am a mother and grandmother of many children. I enjoyed hanging out with my family and friends. I enjoy traveling whenever I have the chance too. I love reading and listening to soft jazz, Christian, and classical music. I enjoy assisting and helping over learn how to trust God in all situations. I love assisting elderly people in whatever they need assistance in or with. I hold a Bachelor's Degree in Elementary Education and a Master's Degree in Reading Education. I was a teacher for a private and public school systems for over 12 years. I enjoyed my teaching years with my students. I enjoyed seeing each student learn and apply for what they had learned. I worked with students from kindergarten through twelve grades. I am a Certified Nurse Assistant and works with our elderly people. I am an advocate for the elderly.

Book preview

Introduction

In my early years of life, I grew up in an abusive home. My father was a good man to me when he was not drunk, but when he got drunk he would become someone else. I will describe him as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He did not abuse me but he abused my mother numerous times. My mother finally decided to leave him and she took my youngest brother, sister and I and we all moved to Miami, Florida in 1973.

I did not understand at the time why she made the move but as I got older, I understood. Many things happened in my family during our life here in Miami. As I got older, I began to seek God for answers to many of my questions about why bad things happened to my family. It was many years later when I saw my father again, but he was a different man. I knew he was different - not because of something he did but because of something that was allowed to happen to him. Over sixteen years ago, a truck hit my father as he was walking across the street. As a result of the head injuries he received from the accident he did not know any of us for over sixteen years. My father passed in May 2010 from the injuries he sustained many years prior. After my father was injured I was told by a family member that a pastor stated that God allowed this to happen to my father because of him abusing my mother many years prior. I know there is a reaping process for us all but I did not feel this was how God would have taken care of my father for his sin of abusiveness. Maybe I will never know if this is true or not.

I do not have my father to talk to or go places with me when I decide to go back home to visit. Therefore, when I hear people talking negatively about their parents it bothers me. I know we all dislike something our parents do or say but they are the parents God saw fit to give us. I also think about what my children thought about how I raised them. I often wonder about what my life would have been like if we had stayed in South Carolina. Nevertheless, God knows what His plan is for us even when we do not know.

I often ask myself whether I helped or hurt my children because I stayed in my marriage for so long. My prayer for my children is that God is a part of every decision they make, especially in relationship matters. I also wonder if I raised my children how my parents raised me. Did I do a better or worse job? I believe I raised a good group of children. I think I raised them differently then how I was raised. Overall, my childhood was complicated but my mom did the best she could with what she had. When I started this book my father was alive since I have started the editing process my father has past. My mother is alive and well and I thank God for a peace in spite of what I think they should have done about anything given situation.

As a young child and teenager, I was afraid of my own shadow and as a young adult, it did not change. I got into a relationship and had children within that relationship. Our children had to grow up within a home with parents that did not understand each other. I did everything I could to help my marriage survive but my husband did the opposite. In order for a relationship or marriage to work, it takes two people working together. If your partner does not want to stay in a relationship or marriage, you should not force them to. Too many people get hurt staying in relationships or marriages that are not good. Because of my marriage I can agree with the above statement, do not force someone to love or stay with you!

I was getting tired of all the drama that was in our marriage so I started seeking God. As I started seeking God for myself, things started changing for me. I began focusing on what I wanted God to do in my life instead of worrying about what was not happening. Do not get me wrong! Everything did not change overnight I still had doubts, fear, being scared of living and also scared of dying. As my life started changing I started changing and trusting myself for the first time. It took me over ten years to start believing in myself again and that was when I decided to follow Jesus instead of following man. Again, I am not saying that God delivered me overnight - that would be lying. God is still delivering me daily. I know I am a work in progress and I am asking God daily to direct my path.

I decided to write this little book which I believe has some powerful insight from God for true deliverance for me. I lived with my husband before we were married; the relationship lasted for over 22 years. My family went through many tests and trials as well as persecution. Some of the persecution was by my husband and some came from his female friends. I did not always blame the women because he was the one that brought them into our relationship.

During the marriage I purchased many Christian books on what marriage is supposed to be like - books that explained how to keep your marriage and how to be a Godly wife. I tried and tried to follow many of the examples from the book. However, in the end, the marriage was not saved not because I did not try but because God was not in it. I realize now that God does not ordain all marriages - some marriages He allows because we ask for them. I left my husband three times during the marriage and few times before, we were married. I went back each time because I did not understand what I needed to do to get out of that situation.

I was going to church and I thought I had a relationship with Jesus Christ. However, years later I realized I was only a churchgoer and I did not have a personal relationship with my Jesus as I thought. As a result, I really started having a personal relationship with Jesus. My life truly changed I started believing and trusting Jesus to help me through different situations. I started believing and trusting myself to make my own decisions.

I realized I was a child of God and my Father in heaven did care and love me. I started asking God to help me see me and as He was showing me, me I cared less about what my husband did or did not do. God gave me a peace that I cannot explain. For years, I believe God just waited for me to tell him I was tired of being tired and that is how my deliverance started coming forth.

Chapter 1

Feeling Rejected and Abandoned

I grew up in a dysfunctional family (a term that someone came up with to describe a non-functional family) with an abusive father that was also an alcoholic. I believe that caused me to feel rejected, damaged and many other things that did not help me mature but instead stay immature for many years. We did not have the usual family support system, a system that will support you no matter what. I think because of the times we lived in my family did not know how to show any type of emotion at all except anger.

My mother’s mother had her favorite which was one grandson from each of her children. She did not seem to care for my family because of my abusive father. I can understand that but we, her grandchildren, had nothing to do with how our father was and what he did. Over the years before my grandmother passed I would send or do things for her, sometimes I thought she appreciated what I did and sometime I thought she did not care.

I know from my experiences that when you do not have the support of your parents or grandparents you feel like you are missing a part of yourself. You cannot began to live life right until you get healed from the rejection and the abandonment that you feel you went through as a young child or young adult. I have never gone to a counselor or psychologist with my problems but I have gone to a family member. Only years later did I find out I should have gone to an outsider because of my business being told within the family. God Himself set me free from all the issues that I was going through for many, many years.

Have you felt unloved? As a young girl I was called blackly, big eyes and other mean names. These words came from family and others. So, as I was growing up, I started believing those things that I was called many years ago. I really believe that is when I began to feel abandoned, rejected, unloved, unwanted and many other things that were not positive. I felt unloved by my family