Common Sense Divorce: Ten Steps to Save You Time, Money, and Worry

By Dena Silliman Nielson

Are you deciding whether to go or to stay in your marriage? Are you feeling trapped or frustrated the longer you stay? Before you take that final step, you need to prepare yourself for what is about to happen to your relationship, to your finances, and to your life. If you have children, it is especially important that you prepare for how their

• Language: English
• Publisher: Cardinal Press, LLC
• Release date: Jan 8, 2021
• ISBN: 9781736109908

Dena Silliman Nielson

Dena Silliman Nielson, J.D. is an author and recently retired attorney who spent over 24 years practicing law. Dena has represented clients and argued cases in all levels of the justice system from rural tribal courts in Oklahoma to the United States Supreme Court. Her areas of legal expertise are family law, mediation, appeals, and Native American law. Along with her law practice, Dena has continuously been engaged in teaching law students and paralegals. Dena is a trained negotiator, divorce mediator, and served as a Certified Intermediary in Oklahoma. After graduating Summa Cum Laude from Central State University in Edmond, Oklahoma, Dena attended The University of Oklahoma School of Law in Norman, Oklahoma, where she was the Editor in Chief of the American Indian Law Review during her final year of law school. After practicing in Oklahoma for a few years, Dena moved to Colorado and ultimately opened her own firm focusing on family law exclusively. Dena has had numerous published legal cases and law review articles during her practice. Most recently, Dena was a contributor to the American Bar Association's "Grit, The Secret to Advancement: Stories of Successful Women Lawyers". Dena currently resides in Whitney, Texas with her husband, Bill, and their little dog, Buddy. Dena and Bill collectively have five children and five grandchildren, all of whom reside in Colorado.

Book preview

Common Sense Divorce

As a family law attorney who has been practicing for over 20 years, I can’t emphasize enough how helpful this book will be for you. Dena takes you through the steps of divorce with excellent and heartfelt advice that will be invaluable in either saving your marriage or going through divorce. There are so many misconceptions surrounding divorce, and everyone has a different experience that they want to share with you. You will receive so much well-intentioned advice that will likely just be bad advice based on bad assumptions. Don’t listen to your friends and family; listen to the expert—Dena Nielson.

–Brent Warkentine, Warkentine Law Office, Colorado

Filled with practical advice and ongoing inspiration, this book is a must read for everyone contemplating or going through a divorce.

–Marion McBain, Retired Family Law Attorney, Arizona

Having reviewed the material, I believe the book is a must-read for everyone considering marriage or divorce. Further, the book ought to be a primer for lawyers practicing family law. Well done.

–Marvin Stepson, Retired Judge, Osage Nation Tribal Court

After reading Dena’s book, Common Sense Divorce, I closed my eyes and my thoughts traveled back into time to briefly relive my divorces. I do not advocate divorce, but I truly wish I had this book to read during my darkest days. Options, attorneys, fair treatment, happiness and self-worth, all of the things discussed in this book were so insightful and true. If I had read this book back then, it might have changed everything or nothing, but at least I would have had some sort of guide to think about and/or follow.

A side note: I got married (again) in 1985 and December will mark 35 years of being happily married.

–Steve C., Retired School Administrator, Missouri

I wish something like this had been available 37 years ago when my ex called out of the blue and told me we were getting divorced. I was blindsided, stunned that the life I knew was over, and nowhere to turn for reliable advice. There were very few resources to help deal with the divorce process, much less steps to help determine if a marriage could be saved. What a blessing a book like this would have been. I have known Dena for many years. She is one of the most straight forward honest people I have the pleasure of knowing. I hope this book offers those considering divorce a look at options and approaches to an extremely emotional and complicated process.

–Rhonda Moore, Monument, Colorado

Divorce is scary, so I’m glad to have this book in my back pocket for guidance and comfort. Reading it helped me feel a little less alone in the experience and reassured me that the process was normal. If you want to prepare for the steps involved in a divorce, this book is exactly what you need!

–Rebecca Solimando, Satisfied Reader, Colorado

Common Sense Divorce

Ten Steps to Save You Time, Money, and Worry

Dena Silliman Nielson, J.D.

Cardinal Press, LLC

Copyright ©2021 Dena Silliman Nielson

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by reviewers, who may quote brief passages in a review.

ISBN for print: 978-1-7361099-1-5

ISBN for ebook: 978-1-7361099-0-8

Published by Cardinal Press, LLC

www.DenaNielson.com

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Book Designer: Christy Collins,

Constellation Book Services

For my husband Bill, whose support and love I treasure daily.

Also, for

Carla, Lillyanna, and Eric.

These incredible people make my life full of love and pride.

Contents

Disclaimer

Introduction

STEP ONE: What Are My Options?

STEP TWO: Do I Need an Attorney?

STEP THREE: Will Alternative Dispute be Helpful to Me?

STEP FOUR: How Do I Get Prepared?

STEP FIVE: What Should I Expect at Trial?

STEP SIX: What Do I Do with the Court Order?

STEP SEVEN: How Do I Parent and Co-Parent Effectively?

STEP EIGHT: How Can I Learn to Be Single Again?

STEP NINE: How Can I Make My Next Relationship Better?

STEP TEN: How Do I Parent Stepchildren Successfully?

Acknowledgements

Resources

Appendix 1: Do-it-Yourself Forms Listed By State

Appendix 2: State-by-State Residency State by State Residency

Appendix 3: Suggested Information for Preparing and Documenting your Financial Statement

About the Author

DISCLAIMER

Life stories and examples throughout this book are inspired by real people and real circumstances, but names, dates, places, incidents, and details have been changed or omitted for confidentiality, security, safety, privacy, and well-being of those involved, and some examples have been combined for ease in reading and to illustrate points.

This book is not intended to be a legal treatise on the subject of divorce, parenting, or recovery from divorce, but rather is an educational overview of those topics. Readers are advised to check the laws in their particular state before proceeding with any action.

Nothing contained in this book is to be considered as rendering of legal advice for specific cases or situations. Readers are responsible for obtaining such advice from their own legal counsel. This book is not meant to take the place of an attorney. This book does not in any way establish an attorney/client relationship with anyone. This book is intended for educational and informational purposes only.

INTRODUCTION

I knew almost immediately that I made a big mistake by marrying my high school sweetheart. We got married on a Friday night. It was November 13, 1971 and I was 19 years old. That next day we left Arkansas and headed for Syracuse, New York, where he was stationed with the Air Force. At about Cincinnati, Ohio, Danny admitted to me that he had just been released from drug rehab. I stared at him for a long time in disbelief. I knew he tended to drink too much on occasion, but drugs? We had been apart for about a year since our year-long high school romance, but then we got back together and spent hours on the phone and had spent the three weeks leading up to the wedding together every day. I thought I knew him so well. My only question after that awful admission was, Did it work? He said he did not know yet.

In my family, you married for life—for better or for worse. I spent four years going through the for worse part. We were just too different and probably too young. I could not see a way to make this work for either of us. I dreaded more than words can convey having to admit this to my Mother, who had been against the marriage in the first place. I was thinking about that on one Wednesday night as I was driving home from mid-week Bible study. How could I get out of this mess? Was I really going to have to live like this for the rest of my life? But when I arrived home and walked through the kitchen door, there was my husband of four years standing between some girl’s legs while she sat on my kitchen counter. Although the site of the two of them made me furious and then sad, I also realized very quickly that my problem was solved. My marriage was over. He left that night with only his clothes.

My Mother was much more understanding and supportive than I had feared. We had no idea what to do or where to start, so she hired the best lawyer in our small town. A week later I was sitting in his office with Danny to my left. Mr. Barnes did not really want or need to hear the details of the last four years or what had happened last week. I am sure my Mother had filled him in. But what he said, I still remember to this day. He leaned over his desk toward Danny and, looking him in the eye, said, I’m happy to meet with you together here today and I’m happy to help you both get through this, but when push comes to shove, I’m her lawyer. Am I clear?

I think Danny was surprised and maybe a little intimidated at the directness and almost threatening nature of that statement. I was thankful for it. There was little to divide and we were divorced in pretty short order. Danny went along with everything recommended by Mr. Barnes and there were no problems. Afterward, I told Mr. Barnes how much I appreciated him and what he had said that day in his office. He had helped me more than he knew.

Sixteen years later, as I pondered what classes to take for my second year of law school, I knew I had to take Family Law. Not only because of my own experience in 1975, but I had also previously worked in two different family law firms as a Legal Assistant and I had found the work to be interesting and helpful to people. I also found that much like me in 1975, people did not know what to do, what to expect from the divorce process, or how to prepare for it, sometimes making the attorney’s job just a bit harder. The Family Law class at the University of Oklahoma School of Law was taught by a well-known family law expert and was a lot more complicated and detailed than I had anticipated. Those in the class knew that if we could get through that class, we would be prepared when those divorce cases came through the door.

After law school, I worked in small firms in Norman, Oklahoma, and in Denver, Colorado. These firms emphasized Native American law, but family law cases came in regularly and I was considered the resident expert; I was ready for those cases. In 2004, I opened my own office to deal exclusively with family law matters. It was during these years that I realized that not only did most clients know little about divorce, they also were not prepared for what was about to happen to their lives and finances. There was no authentic guide available to provide the vital information for their divorce journey. So, as their attorney, I felt an obligation to take extra time to explain how they should prepare and walk them through the actual process, the possible outcomes, and what to expect afterwards. And yes, that is the job of the attorney. But I also knew I would at some point develop an authentic blueprint for future clients to help make their journey more meaningful, less traumatic and destructive, and to benefit the family as a whole. I have written this book in hopes of doing exactly that.

This book moves chronologically through the divorce process, from your first decision of malcontent through the trial to, if necessary, post-trial issues, parenting and co-parenting, and finally how you can move forward after the divorce in being single and in handling your next real relationship. I have included three appendix items for your review, as well.

Appendix 1 is a compilation of every state’s attempt to provide self-help forms for those that file their own paperwork without the aid of an attorney. In most cases, these forms are free and easily accessible for your use.

Appendix 2 is a state-by-state guide for residency requirements. This is especially important information if you plan to file your own case.

Appendix 3 is an easy-to-follow guide for gathering the information that may be necessary for any financial statement that you may be required to generate for the purposes of property division, maintenance/alimony, or child support calculations. Having this information identified and gathered prior to beginning your divorce will certainly save you time and money as the process goes forward.

You may be under the impression that this is a book to encourage you to get a divorce. But truly, that is not the intent at all. In fact, I would encourage you to take every step to save your marriage if that is possible, but to never settle for less than love, respect, and fairness. The right therapist or counselor can be incredibly helpful in finding these aspirations for you and your family. Rushing a decision on whether to end your marriage is usually the last thing you should be doing. An incredibly wise man once told me that,If you wait long enough, something will happen to make the decision for you.

I have found this to be absolutely true in all kinds of situations, including marriages. But especially where your welfare, as well as the welfare of your children is concerned, it is best to take very measured and well thought out moves as you proceed. Once you have truthfully weighed all of the pros and cons of your situation, if you find that you have no choice but to proceed toward divorce, I am hopeful that you will find this book helpful and informative.

In the following chapters, you will discover strategies that will:

Show you the options to immediate divorce

Guide you to a fair and equitable resolution if divorce is unavoidable

Help you to develop a parenting plan that is in the best interest of your children

Teach you how to regain your happiness and self-worth

I know how painful divorce can be. I have been there. I have gone through it and have reinvented my own life successfully. My hope is that you will be able to move forward from