Let the Light In: Healing from Distorted Images of God

By Colin McCartney

Toronto, Ontario, Canada M1E 1E8
 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Herald Press
• Release date: Jun 1, 2021
• ISBN: 9781513808116

Colin McCartney

Colin McCartney has worked in urban missions for over thirty-five years. He is the founder of two urban ministries and the author of The Beautiful Disappointment, Red Letter Revolution and, along with his wife Judith, What Does Justice Look Like and Why Does Care About It? He has appeared on Canadian television and radio and published articles in national newspapers regarding urban issues. He is a mentor to pastors and businesspeople and serves as a ministry trainer and coach. He is also a popular speaker and currently leads an urban church planting movement called Connect City.

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Introduction

A Must-Read before You Jump Right In

As a child of immigrants, I often wonder at the great courage it must have taken for my father to leave his family and friends to move from Ireland to Canada all on his own. I can only imagine how he felt when he first stepped onto that ship in the Port of Belfast. His heart must have been beating double time, coursing with adrenaline and fear at leaving all that was known and comfortable to him. Here he was, alone and frightened, with nothing but a small suitcase as his only possession, on a ship set sail to cross the Atlantic Ocean. I am sure he must have fought back tears over leaving friends and family as he waved goodbye to the life he knew and the country he loved.

This experience raises the question: Why would anyone immigrate? What possesses a person to walk away from everything they know and everyone they love to enter an unknown land?

There can only be two explanations for such a decision. There is either a great love waiting for them on another shore, or there is a hopeful promise of a better life beckoning them to move on. I have seen the power of these motivations in the lives of friends who have left Canada to be with someone they love who lives in a foreign country. That’s an act of great love. Other people I know have left their country for the promise of a better life in a new land. That is an act of great hope.

In some ways, my father and I have a lot in common. Although I don’t feel the need to leave my physical country, I have felt compelled to leave my country of spiritual origin for the hopeful promise of a better life and a deeper relationship with the One I love. Enflamed by the love of God, I have been emboldened to leave the safe religious shores to which I am accustomed, and to sail through rough waters to join God in a new land. I haven’t gone a long way off from where I began, but I definitely have moved on from where I once was. This process has been difficult for me. It has been hard to wave goodbye to familiar doctrines and the religious life I knew since childhood. But God keeps calling me from the familiar to the unfamiliar, and from the safety of my comfortable spiritual constructs to a more wild and adventurous faith that allows me to be closer by his side.

Many people use the term deconstruction to describe the journey of reshaping their faith. For me, this process of deconstruction has been more like a much-needed renovation of my soul, spurred onward by a holy uneasiness from within. As I go through this process, I find great comfort in knowing that the divine architect values my life so much that he never settles for an unfinished product. God has far bigger and better plans for me, and his Son is always at work to fulfill the finished work of Christ in me.¹ The carpenter from Nazareth goes to work tearing down aspects of my belief system that have become obstacles to my growth, making room in my soul to encounter more of the fullness of God. This renovating process can be painful, as Jesus breaks down the false security of my religiosity by putting a sledgehammer to doctrines that I once held dear. All the wood, hay, and straw that my interior life had been built on is ripped out to make room for the gold that Jesus wants to rebuild inside me.²

The great sixteenth-century Carmelite mystic Saint John of the Cross had a different take on this deconstruction process.³ He called it the dark night of the soul, a journey that each of us has to go through to grow closer to God.⁴ Saint John taught that during the dark night of the soul, we are stripped of all the worldly and spiritual things we once held dear. The reason for this purging is because these things can often become an end to themselves, idols that can get in the way of truly loving God. For some of us, this purging might mean that the spiritual acts of worship that once nourished our souls no longer have a positive effect on us. After all, even good things can become false gods if we let them! Regular church attendance, reading Scripture, worship through music, times of prayer, certainty of doctrinal beliefs, and the like can take the place of God in our lives, filling us with a false spirituality known as religion. By religion, I mean a system we can easily fall into that prioritizes rules and religious ritual over Jesus as the center of our lives. So God, in his loving mercy, begins to chip away at our entanglement with these acts of religion by causing them to lose the power they once held over us. What used to feed our souls no longer does, and we feel spiritually dry, or in some cases, we might even feel that God has abandoned us. However, this is not the case. God hasn’t left us at all. Instead, God is realigning our spiritual priorities. The carpenter from Nazareth is at work in our lives.

I can relate to what Saint John is teaching us, as I often experience how easy it is for my soul to wander away from Jesus. I’ll never forget the day I was speaking at a large conference when I ran into Bruce Wilkinson, the author of the New York Times bestseller The Prayer of Jabez.

As we waited in the speakers’ room, we had a wonderful conversation concerning our personal faith struggles. One thing Bruce shared with me was that we start out our faith walk with our priorities in order. When we first come to Christ, we give him the throne of our lives. However, as time goes on, we tend to allow other things to crowd Jesus off the throne of our lives. Jesus is slowly pushed aside by day-to-day activities, religious formalities, and even acts of service. It is important to realize that it is often the little things that get in the way, not the obvious sins. Jesus is no longer on the throne. Then Bruce said something profound to me. Always remember. Jesus has his way of taking back the throne.

Welcome to the world of deconstruction.

My deconstruction started when my world was turned upside down by three sudden tragedies that took place in a nine-month span in my life—the murder of one of our young staff, followed by the drowning of a child I knew, and then an accident in which I broke my neck on a beach in Maui. None of these catastrophes were from the hands of God, for God does not delight in calamities. This one thing I do know is that life tends to stir up all sorts of challenges on its own yet through it all, God’s comforting presence is with us in our times of trouble.

During my time of suffering, many things I was taught and believed about God and the Bible no longer made any sense.⁵ I was lost in a swirl of confusion as my spiritual, emotional, and physical foundations were torn apart in a tsunami of grief, pain, and doubts. My safe religious life of answers and order was now demolished, and I had two choices to make. I could chuck the whole thing in one big act of avoidance. Or I could embrace the tragedy I was experiencing and learn from it. I chose the latter and allowed my tragic circumstances to instruct me. As painful as my choice was, it was there, in all my brokenness, that I discovered God, the real God! Not the god that was just a religious term for someone I had to believe in as part of a theological creed. No, it was here, in my deepest trials, that I experienced the true living God who has always been with me all along!

I’ll never forget an experience I had one day while recuperating in the hospital from my broken neck. I had what I can only explain as a vision from God. This scared me, as I had been taught that these types of experiences were far too dangerous, as they upset the apple cart of order that my religious beliefs so deeply cherished. Yet now, in my time of suffering, I was having a mystical encounter with God. It came in the form of a dream in which I found myself in a garden with Jesus, who was pointing at weeds that, with my approval, he would remove and replace with the most beautiful flowers I had ever seen. This went on for a while as my garden slowly emptied of the many weeds that had infested its soil, until all that was left was a glorious abundance of beautiful flowers! The next day I awoke but quickly forgot about my dream. However, a few weeks later I was reminded of my dream in a supernatural manner when I read the following quote about prayer from the great mystic Saint Teresa of Ávila.

Beginners must realize that in order to give delight to the Lord they are starting to cultivate a garden on very barren soil, full of abominable weeds. His Majesty pulls up the weeds and plants good seed. Now let us keep in mind that all of this is already done by the time a soul is determined to practice prayer and has begun to make use of it. And with the help of God we must strive like good gardeners to get these plants to grow and take pains to water them so that they don’t wither but come to bud and flower and give forth a most pleasant fragrance to provide refreshment for this Lord of ours. Then He will often come to take delight in this garden and find His joy among these virtues.⁶

I had no recollection of ever having read Saint Teresa’s description of the soul as a garden, thanks to my religious upbringing’s frowning upon mystics like her. Yet her words described what I had seen during my dream. This was the beginning of many deep encounters I had with God that went beyond anything I was taught to believe. I was now on the journey of the deconstruction of my soul, and my religious background fought against it each step of the way. When I had the dream of my soul as a garden, I experienced how safe it is to be in the presence of a loving God. I saw how the weeds were my sins. They are ugly, useless, and hurtful to others and myself. My old religion made me feel guilty of these things and created such a high degree of shame that it kept me away from God. But now, having been stripped bare of my false religious teachings, I found myself in God’s presence. In this sacred space of vulnerability, I didn’t feel any shame about allowing Jesus to see me as I truly am. Nor did I ever feel that Christ was accusing me because of the weeds in my soul. Jesus actually smiled at me as I showed him my weeds. He knew that by exposing my weeds he could now replace them with his flowers. The Spirit was doing great soul work in the chaos and disorder of my life as I honestly and safely dealt with my personal sins, doubts, fears, and failures in front of a loving God. But for this to happen, I had to be willing to leave the guilt-inducing shores of my current faith system to get to where God wanted me to be. When faced with my questions and doubts, I had to trust God’s love to safely embrace deconstruction instead of fleeing deeper into the shadows of a shallow religion.

* * * *

When we go through experiences of deconstruction, some people might falsely accuse us of being unfaithful to God because of the questions we are asking about our faith. Doubts about what we believe begin to pop up in our minds that can shake us to our core. When this happens, our community of faith, both friends and family, can begin to feel very uncomfortable about our journey. This is especially the case for those who are caught up in religion.

Saint John of the Cross shares much-needed wisdom concerning this reaction to faith deconstruction.

It will happen to individuals that while they are being conducted by God along a sublime path of dark contemplation and aridity, in which they feel lost, they will meet someone in the midst of the fullness of their darknesses, trials, conflicts, and temptations who, in the style of Job’s comforters (Job 4:8-11), will proclaim that all this is due to melancholia, depression, or temperament, or to some hidden wickedness, and that as a result God has forsaken them. Therefore, the usual verdict is that these individuals must have lived an evil life since such trials afflict them. Others will tell them that they are falling back since they find no satisfaction or consolation as they previously did in the things of God. Such talk only doubles the trial of the poor soul.⁷

This wise saint gives us a clear description of what many people experience as they go through faith deconstruction—dryness, fullness of darkness, trials, lostness, and conflicts. However, Saint John of the Cross also holds out great hope for what is taking place, and reminds us that individuals who go through this "are being conducted by God along a sublime path of dark contemplation and aridity."⁸

The struggles, doubts, and fears that you may be experiencing are actually a wonderful act of God in your life. God is stripping away your dependence on religion, spiritual leaders, and pious rituals so your soul can be free of these false attachments and cry out desperately for God, and God alone, to fill you with his presence. God is at work. Deconstruction is a major way God destroys our old religious wineskins to replace them with new ones that can allow his life-giving wine to flow freely in our souls.⁹

So if you are feeling spiritually dry or are wrestling with beliefs you once held dear and that no longer make any sense to you, take heart. God may be at work reshaping you to experience him on a deeper level. Likewise, if you know people who are working out their faith by asking tough questions, be patient with them and do not judge them. Respect the spiritual process and growth they are going through. This is all a legitimate and even expected part of the spiritual life. In fact, it is a good and proper path of spiritual growth, as we are told by the author of Philippians: Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose (Philippians 2:12-13).

God is at work, and your soul is a precious construction site. Could this be what deconstruction means?

As you read this book, it is important that you understand that it is written in the belief that the Bible truly is from God. This high view of Scripture is the driving force behind my choice to address the theological hot buttons in this book, since they are often mistakenly used to support toxic views of God. You will find lots of scriptural references throughout this book. When I share the possibility that Jesus’ death was not intended to appease an angry God, or that there is another way to understand Scripture, I do so in the spirit of the Bereans who were hungry for God’s Word and examined everything they were taught through the Scriptures.¹⁰ I encourage you to learn from the Bereans’ practice of examining the Scriptures for God’s truth by having an open Bible with you as you read this book.

I would never claim that what you are about to read reflects the musings of my own mind. My thoughts cannot compare to those of the great theologians from whom I learn, nor am I bold or foolish enough to claim that I have found a special revelation upon which to base the contents of this book. I take great comfort in knowing that everything you read on these pages has been around for many years. Wiser people than me, including some of the greatest minds in church history as well as Jesus, spoke in different ways of the great news that God is love. Understanding the magnificent reality that we live in the kingdom reign of God, and that this God who reigns does so with an unstoppable, relentless love, will change everything.¹¹ It will actually shape your brain and develop your emotional quotient so you are able to have a healthy self-image and see others in a positive light, as beloved children of our loving Father God. Knowing God is love will also change how you read your Bible. When you read the Scriptures in light of the enemy-loving, radically forgiving, self-sacrificing God of unrelenting love proclaimed on the cross, you will be able to make sense of violent depictions attributed to God in the Old Testament as somewhat distorted depictions of God’s true nature, as revealed in Jesus. Knowing that God is like Jesus will also transform the way you view certain doctrines such as the atonement (the reason behind the crucifixion), God’s sovereignty, the holiness of God, and the meaning of God’s wrath, as well as eschatology (the theology of end times).

Some of you will feel overwhelmed by what you are about to read. This book might challenge long-held beliefs or seem to contradict what you have been taught or what your church believes. If this is your experience, hang in there. Unfortunately, Western Christianity tends to punish people for asking questions about faith instead of recognizing that questions are part of a healthy process of spiritual growth. All one has to do is read the Gospels to see that Jesus welcomed questions and participated in healthy debate. This is one way that Jesus made disciples. Yet many churches stunt discipleship because of their desire to control what their congregants believe, and in doing so, they inadvertently quench the Holy Spirit from working in the hearts of their people. This is one reason that many young people are leaving churches that are governed by a climate of fear and control. We need to recognize that having questions is a humble act of worship. It is an acknowledgment of how limited our minds are in comprehending the greatness of God. A questioning and humble spirit can be a powerful form of worship and a transformative way that we give God glory and praise. Yet those who sincerely ask questions are far too often labeled heretics. For years, the religious establishment has often used this word to control people and to dispel any form of questioning.¹² However, the proper definition of heretic is not someone who challenges secondary theological stances. Rather, a heretic is someone with a divisive spirit who too easily cuts off people who challenge their own convictions. The one who divides the body of Christ is the heretic, not the one who has questions.

I love the great commission story in Matthew 28, when the disciples meet the risen Jesus. Matthew writes in verse 17 that when they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. These followers of Jesus, his loyal disciples, had spent time with Jesus and were present when he was arrested, tortured, and crucified. After the resurrection Jesus appeared to them, and in this story, we see them with Jesus once again. Yet some of them doubted! How could this be?

As strange as their doubt might be, we come across something that seems even more surprising. Jesus does not say a single word about their doubt. He doesn’t struggle with the fact that some of his disciples are experiencing questions concerning him. In fact, Jesus seems to ignore their doubts as he commissions all of them, including those who doubted, to go into the world as his emissaries. Apparently, Jesus has no problems with doubters among his ranks and does not see doubt as a disqualifying factor for following him or even for receiving a call to ministry.

Perhaps one of the reasons Jesus never worried about people who doubted was because he accepted doubts as a normal part of the Christian life. In fact, Jesus most likely knew that the Holy Spirit was at work in these doubters’ lives, and that their uncertainties were one of the most powerful ways that they would grow in their faith. So if you find yourself experiencing a degree of fear because of your doubts, know that Jesus has not rejected you. Doubts and questions are good and normal. They are how we grow!

Do not be afraid to struggle with what the Bible teaches or to ask questions. This is one of the key ways we develop a deeper faith. Like Jacob, we must be prepared to wrestle with God.¹³ To avoid this wrestling with God is to live a false life and relinquish a foundational piece of growing in faith. It is in the wrestling with our beliefs that we develop our spiritual muscles. However, when we are too afraid to grapple over what we believe, we avoid the struggle and tap out in our spiritual growth, surrendering to fear. The church should be a wrestling ring where warriors are welcome to work out their faith with fear and trembling.¹⁴ Accept this book as part of your training regimen in developing strong faith muscles. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything written in this book. But if you allow yourself, even in your disagreement you will grow spiritually through wrestling with this book’s contents and the accompanying Scriptures. Remember, wisdom is found in struggling with the Bible. In fact, this is truly what it means to meditate on Scripture.

For those of you who are growing weary in your faith, this book can provide the hope you need. Perhaps the questions you have been facing seem to be too much for you, and you are about to throw in the towel and give up on your faith. Maybe you are bloodied, down for the count, and the referee is about to count you out. My prayer is that this book will give you the strength you need to get back up off the canvas. Take heart, my friend, the battle is not over. God’s love is real.

Some of you will get excited by this book, while others will heartily disagree with its contents. In either case, take on the beautiful spirit of humility, knowing that God speaks to those who are humble of heart. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way (Psalm 25:9).

I have included discussion questions at the end