A Bucket Full of Crabs

By Marcus T. Bentley

Why is it only a few people “make it out”? For those few, why are they not eager to rescue the people who are experiencing the same level of despair which they had not too long ago?In this book, I go over five stories and five reasons why some people don’t give back to the communities from which they come. My goal is to spark a conversation about breaking the cycle of successful individuals leaving and never returning to the communities that need their guidance. In my opinion, the only way the most impoverished and crime-ridden neighborhoods in America will change is if the people who grew up and succeeded despite those conditions return with a roadmap. “I wish to change the world. You can only do that by clearing up one misunderstanding at a time.” - Marcus T. Bentley

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jan 27, 2021
• ISBN: 9781716326028

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After You Get Naked in the Mirror …

Introduction

When I was a teenager, I remember writing songs and poems all the time. My mother can attest that I went through several notepads and composition books. She would always tell me, Marcus, clean up all these notepads and papers everywhere. This is getting ridiculous now, son! I remember only some of the stuff that I wrote on all those pages. I specifically remember writing a short poem that I eventually submitted in high school for a poetry contest. I was super excited to finally get all my thoughts out to the world for a change. I was happy about the potential grand prize of a $100 Certificate of Deposit and a submission to the local newspaper (the newspaper submission was the most important thing, to be honest). I didn't think about money as I do now.

The title of the poem I wrote was "A Bucket Full of Crabs." The poem was about how difficult it was to perform at a high level in academics while surrounded by people who saw my success as a bad thing or something about which I should be embarrassed. When it came to being ridiculed by fellow students, I had felt this way for years. I didn't get bullied in school – mostly because my family was big – but around certain people, there was always an aura that made me uncomfortable being myself. No one ever said anything outrageous or threatening to me, but I could still feel a certain vibe that made me less likely to speak my mind.

People get bolder when they get older. These bold people are the ones making it hard for change in our Nation today.

I drafted the poem so fast that I didn't think it would get that far – but I won the contest. It was put in the newspaper, and I remember my father asking me to read it in front of our church. I was embarrassed because the poem was about some of my innermost feelings and insecurities. My dad, who was the church pastor (and proud parent), preached that Sunday about how this behavior was terrible yet usual in our community and how we needed to change. He said that if children could feel this way, then adults felt this same pain and frustration. I felt tremendous and supported. I felt like someone understood how it felt to be me. Multiple people from the church gave me encouraging words and told me to keep striving to do well in school, no matter what other children said to me. I felt awesome. At the same time, I knew that I was going back to school, and I would feel like an outcast again on Monday morning. I knew at least one person was going to laugh at me for knowing too many answers to the questions the teacher asked.

To be frank, I was a bit of a nerd (some would say I still am). I wasn't the Steve Urkel type of nerd, but I was the guy who answered the questions in class and asked, to everyone's dismay, for more homework. I was sometimes chastised for trying to be better than I am – well, those were the words I heard in passing.

As I said earlier, people get bolder when they get older. I remember hearing one kid in my school say, "Why you always talkin' like that, man? And why you always hangin' around those other people?"

Talking like what? I would reply. "Hanging around

who? He said, You know what I mean, bro. You're always trying to sound all proper and stuff, man, and be up the teacher's butt with answers. Why don't you act like what you are?" He laughed and walked off with his friends. I knew what he was saying, but the things people mean rarely come out of their mouths. Most passive-aggressive people speak ambiguously, so they don't have to be charged with saying something mean. They can wiggle their way out of the responsibility of speaking recklessly. I knew what he was saying, and he knew that I was asking him to clarify. We were young, but we were not dumb. We all knew what was implied, but no one ever came out and said what was really on our minds. Not saying how we feel inside is a big reason why some problems continue to exist in all life areas.

What he wanted to say was I needed to stop talking proper, so I could be like everyone else. People like us don't talk like that, is what he was trying to say. I was thinking, somewhat sarcastically, How is everyone else talking then? What grades are everyone else getting on their report cards? Getting good grades is a good thing, right? Making good grades and having proper speech was a bad thing in this guy's eyes, and I could see that many of his friends felt the same way. It was a weird feeling. I had never noticed until then that I was a little different. When I was a teenager, this type of thing ate away at me slowly, even though I was cheerful on the outside. Most people will tell you that I was an extremely outgoing young man. As I got older though, I only found myself hanging around a group of people who didn't judge me. On some occasions, the people I hung around didn't look anything like me. I avoided those judgmental types like the plague.

I learned abruptly at an early age that you cannot work hard on improving yourself, making good grades, or speaking correctly. That would mean you are somehow uncool or not acting as you should. Nothing is more annoying to a child or teenager than being isolated and thrown into the uncool gang. Luckily, my parents were hard on my siblings and me when it came to having good grades. I feared my parents more than I feared being ridiculed at school. Still, it was sort of embarrassing being smart and working hard to make good grades.

Think about that: I FELT EMBARRASSED ABOUT BEING SMART AND WORKING HARD.

Sometimes, when the teacher asked questions in class, I would just keep my hand down to keep from getting cold stares from the kids who didn't know the answers. This all changed when my mom (an educator herself) asked to switch me to the accelerated program, where I could be around other high performers. Before that, it was not very pleasant to go to class every day, figuring out if I should be quiet or be my usual self. Unlike some children in America, I wasn't thinking about doing my homework or being on time for the next class. I was thinking about getting told to be quiet because I studied the material while others did not.

By the time I was an adult, this behavior didn't bother me because I had mastered avoiding negative energy. I learned to avoid the kind of people that seemed like they would judge me for using correct grammar or say that I should dress differently. I wouldn't try to get in a debate to help them see my perspective. I was comfortable allowing others to believe what they believed as long as it didn't interfere with anything that I was doing in my life. I was just as bad as they were, in retrospect. I ran away from my problems instead of facing them head-on like an adult. Adults can engage in intellectual conversations. Children, or people who sometimes act like children, have difficulty stating their opinions without allowing their emotions to flow over in their language. This problem is very apparent in our Nation today.

My argument in this book is my tendency to avoid this type of person has had detrimental effects on the communities that could have used my help. Instead of folding to the pressure of fitting in, standing firm and being defiant would have given others the courage to be different. I could have helped someone else feel optimistic about studying a little bit harder. Even if some people never listened or agreed, there was at least one person who could have benefitted from my insight. I did not think about others. I thought about how I felt isolated and ran away from those I thought would make me feel that way. Even as an older man, I sometimes catch myself trying to go far away from anyone that I deem dangerous to my energy. Unfortunately, this is the problem with many people. As a society, we must start to think about the people we leave behind when we say, There is nothing I can do. Leaving is not suitable for those who could use your help. I see that now.

Helping one family understand how to do better is enough to change the world.

The first reason some people never give back to their communities is the fear of rejection. No one wants to feel isolated or be told they are not wanted. Instead of dealing with being rejected by people you genuinely desire to help, staying around people who respect and honor you daily is much more comfortable. We all love to be praised for our hard work and dedication; there is no praise for being rejected. Imagine going from being celebrated by friends and family to being told by old friends or strangers that you are not welcome. Most people would not want to be in that environment. Can you blame them?

The second reason some never give back is the fear of exploitation. Many successful people complain about how rare it is to be interviewed on how they became successful. They say things like, I'm surprised people don't invite me to lunch to pick my brain about all my successes. Instead of asking HOW they do things, many successful people are bombarded with money requests from friends and family.

Knowing that there is no quick fix to financial success, they tend not to converse, and they are labeled a sellout. They stay away, which hurts the communities that need them the most.

The third reason some people do not give back is post- traumatic stress. When you finally find yourself in a better situation than anything you have ever had before, helping other people in the community might be the last thing on your mind. That place has no meaning, only bad memories, is what those who have post-traumatic stress will say. If the memory is too bad, they might tell you that they loathe having a conversation about where they grew up. If I'm honest, this might be the most challenging obstacle for some people to overcome. I still believe we must persuade them to do so because their story could help change millions' lives.

The fourth reason some people do not give back to the communities from which they come is that it may be too dangerous. Some of the people you could genuinely help to be better might remember all the things you did when you grew up with them. Some of your former colleagues might not be so eager to forgive your transgressions. For example, people who used to sell drugs in the community might have difficulty convincing people to listen to them about how they need to improve. Those who left abruptly might be endangering their lives by coming back to their old communities.

The fifth and final reason is self-care. If you began life in poverty or close to it, ensuring your children never have to experience that feeling is essential. You tend to care less about what is happening with other people's kids and you think about yours exclusively. If you start hanging around the same people that were doing unsuccessful things before YOU became successful, some might believe that there is a chance that they could fall back into the same bad habits all over again. Now that you have worked hard to do better, it only makes sense to keep up that energy and not risk returning to the same predicament.

THIS BOOK IS NOT ABOUT ASSIGNING FAULT

OR BLAME TO ANYONE. I want to spark a conversation about why some people do not give back as much as possible. I want to talk about how we must change if things are ever to improve in those communities.

Although they can make firm promises, politicians cannot legislate that which is in the heart.

In other words, the real change needed in these communities is not more legislation; it is more community volunteers who care about the conditions of that community. I believe with all my heart that if we lean on the people who made it out, then more people will make it out. If more people do well, we can change those neighborhoods from being harbors of crime and poverty to beacons of hope for those who feel lost and forgotten. Those people must feel welcomed. This is my argument in the book.

My only request of all those who read this book is to open your minds to see things differently. This is not a political or religious book. Most of the time, I believe politics and religion blind us from having meaningful conversations with people on different sides of an issue. I am not saying we do not need these conversations. We need them to move the world forward in a positive way. Still, politics and religion tend to bring out individuals who are not interested in understanding any other form of thinking. The truth has no sides and it cuts us all the same way. My intent in this book is to make sure that we are all cut and feel some type of pain. I intend to make sure that the pain is severe enough to force ourselves to look to those who leave our communities that need their help and ask them for assistance. We must stop slamming them for being successful. No one who leaves the hard life is happy that others are still there in those conditions. I cannot know with a hundred percent accuracy if every successful person feels this way,