If Only

By Adele Broadbent

K's first real try at breaking the rules proves to be a bit of disaster. The constant wondering what might have happened if only she had chosen differently. But then that disaster meant she met a boy, she learnt the truth, and she just might get to save a life – the life of a whale.

Family secrets once again come to the fore in this new novel from Adele Broadbent. Themes of first love, pushing the boundaries of parental control, the consequences of small lies, and the mate-ships formed through Project Jonah.

• Language: English
• Publisher: OneTree House Publishers
• Release date: Oct 1, 2020
• ISBN: 9780995117136

Adele Broadbent

Adele Broadbent is a new HCNZ author who lives in Napier with her husband and children. An experienced author for the educational market, she has written readers previously but this is her first full-length novel.

Book preview

Chapter 1

Music pounded into the street. People spilled down onto the lawn, silhouetted against coloured lights strung across the villa’s veranda. Three guys emerged and staggered down the steps and I wondered if I’d made a huge mistake.

I thought about staying in the taxi and going home, but when I turned to Tam, she was laughing with the others we’d caught a ride with. Someone slid open the van door and when Tam climbed out, I followed. The confidence she’d shown all night seemed to waver for a moment, before she quickly peeled off her long-sleeved shirt. Underneath was a black, sparkly top with more strategically placed holes than a golf course.

‘What are you doing?’ I hissed.

She stuffed her top into her bag, then smoothed down her long, black hair. ‘Looking the part, K. Does my lipstick look okay?’

‘You knew? About the party?’

‘No,’ she said. ‘I heard them talking about it at school, and hoped we’d be invited after the show. And look! Here we are.’

‘I don’t know, Tam.’ I looked up the drive at someone hunched over in the garden. Seconds later, I saw why. I looked away again, feeling sick myself. ‘Do you even know who lives here? Why don’t we just go home? We’ve been to the show. I can pay for a taxi.’

She pulled me aside. ‘Come on, K. Evan invited us.’ She glanced over at the group we came with. ‘This is our chance. A real party.’

I knew what she meant. The only parties we’d ever been invited to involved fairy bread and fizzy when we were little, and grape juice and our parents as we got older. Pros and cons tumbled in my head. It was something Dad always did when he was contemplating something, and I’d picked up the annoying habit. Sometimes I wished I was more spontaneous – like Tam.

I could demand to go home and have Tam never speak to me again, or stay and make her entire year.

She squeezed my arm. ‘Imagine going to school on Monday and actually being able to talk about a real party, instead of just hearing about other people’s weekends. Please, K.’

Her dark gaze pleaded under her false eyelashes. She’d been so excited about it all. I’d hardly believed it when she’d told me her plans, three days before.

‘Oh my gosh,’ she’d gushed. ‘This is epic.’ It was Tam’s long drawn-out, in-depth explanations of the most, simple things that were epic. She could spend five minutes telling me how she got dressed in the morning.

‘You know how I told you I met Aimee whose brother is Ben who knows Evan who was going out with Larissa?’ She’d lost me already. I just nodded as usual.

‘Well,’ she took a deep breath and launched into how she came about getting the tickets. Tickets to an annual comedy festival that was famous for being amazing. I pulled a face as I tried to keep up with who knew who and why, and who they liked and who they didn’t and why, and eventually we came back around to Evan who had an older brother who was given extra tickets.

‘You’re amazing,’ I said.

‘Isn’t it fabulous?’ Tam beamed.

‘I mean, it’s amazing you remember all this stuff.’

‘It’s a gift,’ she’d said. ‘Stick with me and we’ll make it to the top.’

By the look on her face I’d seen she really believed it. ‘So how do we pay for them?’

She’d waved her hand. ‘Oh, we’ll worry about that later. Evan said it’s no biggie, I mean, he was given the tickets after all. It’s not like he’s paid for them.’

‘Yeah, but –’

‘Kayla!’ She’d grabbed my arm. ‘Stop being a worrywart. This is going to be awesome! We’re going to the comedy festival with the popular peeps. I’ve been working on this forever!’

With the tickets in her sights, she was like a bumblebee who’d fallen into a bucket of coffee and had only been saved after she’d swallowed half of it. She’d been buzzing ever since.

It had been an awesome night, and to be invited to a party afterwards was a dream come true for Tam. Ever since kindy, she’d always wanted to be in the popular group, doing the stuff they did.

We’d never achieved it in primary school or intermediate. It was always just our little group of two, no matter how hard Tam tried. Personally, I didn’t really mind, but Tam was determined to crack their battlements now that we were at Mana High.

And we’d done it. Well, she had. I was just a tag-along. I looked into her pleading face. The popularity thing didn’t mean much to me, but Tam did. I couldn’t spoil it for her. With one last look at the party crowd I smiled. ‘Okay. But don’t you dare ditch me, Tamzyn Bennett.’

She squealed and gave me a quick hug, before linking arms and pulling me up the driveway after the others. ‘Let’s catch up with Evan.’

Chapter 2

Tam squeezed into a circle of people standing on the lawn, pulling me in after her. ‘Hi. I’m Tam. This is Kayla.’ We got the same response we’d received outside the theatre earlier that night. The girls ignored us and the guys just nodded. Tam didn’t seem to notice. She chatted away to Evan and his mates as if she’d known them forever and I wondered where this self-confident chick had morphed from.

I looked at the people around me, trying not to stare. One girl had tattoos around her neck and along one bare arm. A guy had more piercings than I’d seen in my entire life, let alone on one person. Another girl, wearing the shortest skirt I’ve ever seen, hung off a guy with thick, black eye make-up and blue lipstick.

As Tam chatted away next to me, I imagined Mum and Dad’s faces as if they had known where I was. Not the coolest thought, but I wasn’t about to tell anyone.

When Tam first told me about the tickets I worried about how I was going to get past Mum. Even with free tickets, there was no way she would’ve let me go to the comedy festival ‘with mature themes’, with a bunch of people she didn’t know, that also included guys. Dad’s not as paranoid as Mum, but usually what Mum says, goes.

I’d timed it perfectly, asking her as she juggled putting the groceries away, helping my little brother Theo with his maths homework, and cooking tea. I’d strolled into the kitchen. ‘Can I go to Tam’s this Saturday?’ I stirred a simmering pot on the stove. ‘I’ll probably stay the night.’

Mum poked her head out of the pantry. ‘Chocolate cake and movie night, huh?’

I never answered, continuing to stir the pot. I figured if I didn’t say anything, it wasn’t a lie.

‘I don’t see why not,’ she said. ‘No R16 movies please and don’t forget you said you’d visit Auntie Mae this weekend.’

‘Of course not,’ I said, leaving the kitchen as quickly as possible. It was only afterwards that I’d thought about Auntie Mae. I groaned. I had promised to see her but since we’d moved to the other side of town, it was a pain.

Auntie Mae isn’t our real auntie. She is more like an adopted grandmother. Before we moved, she’d lived next door to us for as long as I could remember. We’d go to her house after school, or she’d babysit us at night if Mum and Dad went out.

She’d do all sorts of cool stuff with us, like running races and obstacle courses in her backyard in summer. In the winter she’d pull out wooden puzzles and awesome board games you couldn’t buy any more. She’d help with my homework and school projects and she was great to talk to about stuff at school that I didn’t want Mum to know.

But at nearly 16, board games and running races weren’t exactly my thing any more. As I grew she’d seemed to shrink, and going to see her now was just … It seems so mean to think it but it was boring. But if it meant getting past Mum, I’d stick to my promise. I’ll go tomorrow, I thought, returning to here and now just as Tam and the tattoo girl shrieked with laughter.

Tam tugged on my arm. ‘Come on, K, let’s get something to drink.’

Inside the house, there was a strange, sweet smell in the air and the bass bounced off the walls. I imagined what the neighbours might be thinking. Dad would be onto noise control at half the decibels. I shook my head. Stop it, Kayla. You’re at a party. It’s supposed to be loud.

People packed the wide hallway and adjoining rooms, preventing any easy movement. Making sure to stick together, we wove in and out of the crowd until we made it into the lounge.

Again, we stopped as Tam recognised someone. I stood watching once again, wishing I’d worn the high heels Tam had offered when we were getting dressed. I’d always been the shortest in my class at school, but in such a packed space, I suddenly felt even smaller.

We’d spent hours getting ready at Tam’s place and although Tam told me I looked great, I felt completely out of place in my jeans and long-sleeved top. At least half of the girls wore skimpy tops, tiny skirts with black tights, and had long, straight hair. No wonder Tam had insisted on straightening mine, not that my wavy, mud-brown hair looked anything like it was supposed to.

The guys weren’t much better. It was like hoodys and skinny jeans is a uniform for partiers.

I looked past Tam to the next room, wondering if it would be less crowded. Shiny pots and pans hung from a rack above the heads of the crowd, so I figured it was the kitchen. I tapped Tam on her shoulder and pointed in the direction of the pots. When I made a drinking motion she grinned and nodded before leaning back in close with the girl she was talking to.

It was a relief to reach the huge kitchen. Clusters of people stood around the edges, talking and laughing, with conversation slightly easier than in the lounge. An island bench in the centre of the room was stacked with bottles and beer cans and as I searched for Coke or orange juice, a guy pushed in front of me. He tore off a couple of cans and lobbed them across the room to his mates, before grabbing one himself.

‘Want something to drink?’

I looked up and recognised one of the guys from Evan’s group at the comedy show. I’d ended up sitting between him and Tam at the show, and he’d seemed a bit shy. At least, he wasn’t as out-there as Evan and his mates.

At the comedy show interval, Tam and the others had gone out to the foyer. ‘To mingle,’ Tam had said. Too scared to leave my seat in case someone recognised me under the make-up Tam had shovelled on, I’d been left on my own with him. I learnt his name was Alex and not much else as we sat waiting for the others to return. But he was nice enough and didn’t completely ignore me, which is what guys usually do.

‘Do you want something to drink?’ he repeated. I nodded and tried to find my tongue as he stood waiting for my answer. ‘Um, yes,’ I stuttered. ‘Is there any Coke?’

‘Yeah. Hang on.’ He crossed the kitchen to the biggest fridge I’d ever seen. He swung open one of the double stainless-steel doors to reveal even more beer, and I wondered if he’d laugh if I asked for water. He reached into the back of the fridge and to my relief pulled out two cans of Coke.

‘Sure you don’t want a beer?’ he asked, glancing around at what others were drinking.

‘No, thanks,’ I said. ‘Can I have that one for my friend?’ I nodded at the second can of Coke.

‘Oh. Sure,’ he said.

‘Alex!’ We turned to the sound of his name. Evan and two other guys beckoned him over. He smiled at me and gave a little shrug before heading in their direction.

The kitchen had filled while I’d got the Cokes and I had to squeeze my way back out, but when I found the spot I’d left Tam, she’d gone.

‘Oh, great, Tam.’ I stood on my tiptoes, peering around the room. No Tam. I scanned the crowd for my friend or any of the people we’d arrived with but didn’t recognise any faces at all. I hardly knew them but decided to go back to where I’d seen Alex and Evan. When I finally made it, a quick scan of the kitchen told me they were gone, too. I leaned against the kitchen wall, holding two Cokes, feeling like a complete idiot.

Chapter 3

After 10 minutes with no sign of Tam, I opened the Coke to drink while I waited, leaving Tam’s on the floor by my feet for when she came back.

Half an hour later, having consumed both cans, while turning down four offers of bottles of different shapes and colours, I needed the loo. I found it, joined the dozen or so girls in the queue, then worked my way back to where I’d last seen Tam, but there was still no sign of her.

Trying to look inconspicuous, I went back to the kitchen. My first party. I wasn’t sure how I was going to tell Tam that parties were totally overrated. You had no choice in the music and listening to pounding thrash-metal for hours wasn’t really my flavour. No one can actually talk to anyone without screaming in their ear. That’s if you actually know anyone to talk to.

The reality wasn’t as good as I’d imagined. Being short was not only a problem in trying to spot someone at a party, it also meant you were in the throng of a nauseating mix of BO from some of the guys and cheap perfume from a lot of the girls.

A couple were kissing in the opposite corner, well, more like trying to consume each other, completely oblivious to everyone around them. A boy stumbled through the crowd, then slid down the wall to the floor. He didn’t look much older than me and going by his pale, sweaty face I could see he was seriously close to throwing up. Not wanting to find out how close, I decided to move on and continued my search for Tam.

It was hopeless. No one knew who she was, and I got weird looks every time I asked. I hadn’t seen any of the others we came with and suddenly wondered if they’d left the party already. My heart flipped. Had Tam gone with them?

She wouldn’t. Would she? Pictures flicked through my head. Her grin layered with bright lipstick, her excitement at the invitation, and the way she looked in her clingy black top. I shook my head, chasing the images away. Tam would not leave me on my own. I kept searching.

‘Looking for your friend?’ yelled a voice in my ear. I gasped and spun around to see Alex.

‘Yes. Have you seen her? I’ve been looking for ages.’ He frowned, and leaned closer. I tried again. ‘Have you seen her?’ I yelled back over the music. He answered by pointing out the open front door.

‘Thanks,’ I mumbled without looking back. I didn’t care what he thought. Suddenly I wanted to go home. But first I needed to find Tam.

I had to look twice when I spied her from the top of the veranda steps. She stood alone on the edge of things, just between the reach of the coloured party lights and the glow of the street lamps. She was holding a bottle and swaying on her feet, and it wasn’t in time with the music. ‘Tam!’ I skirted around a group of older kids to reach her. When I touched her arm, she opened her eyes and peered at me through heavy lids. ‘Good party, babe.’

‘Tam, it’s me,’ I said, taking her hand.

She smiled and leaned towards me. ‘K?’ Her smile slipped from her face and her eyes widened. I moved just in time as she threw up on the front lawn.

‘Tam, what have you been drinking?’ I held her hair away from her face as she fell to her knees and retched again. We’d done a lot of things together but I’d never had to do this before. I noticed her top was peeled halfway up her back. It was so tight I had a struggle to yank it down again. My mind spun. Where had she been for the last hour?

Pushing crazy thoughts aside, I helped her up and eased her backwards to sit on the edge of a raised garden.

‘I’ve only had one,’ she said, wiping her mouth.

‘One keg?’ I spat. I couldn’t help it. How could she be so