Anger Without Guilt: Anger Management Begins Within

By Gerry Dunne

Anger Without Guilt is a book and a series of YouTube videos by Dr. Gerry Dunne. Both help us understand our human nature--the fact that we become angry at times. We are then reminded of our choice to manage it using our right mind or mismanage it with our wrong mind. Many stories and examples of anger provoking everyday situations real people face and how we can think and act in helpful or hurtful ways are described. Anger Without Guilt explains how often anger causes us to feel conscious and unconscious guilt and how these feelings feed on each other becoming a vicious circle. You will gain tools and strategies for overcoming that vicious circle through reading, journaling, doing self-assessments, and engaging in the Life Work challenges offered. Topics include: "Anger Traps," "Know Your Anger Triggers," "How Assertive Are You?" "Anger in Your Family," "Who Controls You?" "Do People Like to Communicate With You?" "Can You Handle Confrontations?" and many more.
The author tells us the truth about her own struggles with anger. Here is an excerpt from Chapter One, "Cluelessness to Consciousness":
"It's easy to see what anger does to others but I didn't see it in myself until I turned a corner--one small step after another over time. It started when I found the courage to observe myself and tell myself the truth about how vulnerable I was to anger. Just like having a low-=grade fever, I gradually realized I had a low-grade gripe with the world and a short fuse to bootl I've been working ever since to get out of that rut--to build self understanding and genuine self-love and respect as well as new assertive anger management habits. In the process I've learned some ways to help myself. Now I'm devoted to helping anyone else who wants the same--a process of correction--waking up--listening to your inner teacher who puts you in touch with your right mind, 'the wizard,' instead of your wrong mind, 'the lizard.'"

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jul 26, 2021
• ISBN: 9781098373788

Book preview

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© Dr. Gerry Dunne, Ph.D. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,

distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other

electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief

quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

ISBN (Print): 978-1-09837-377-1

ISBN (eBook): 978-1-09837-378-8

www.angerwithoutguilt.com

Contents

YouTube Videos With Dr. Gerry Dunne

Publications by Gerry Dunne, Ph.D.

Author’s Note: Stories About Real People

Meanings of Key Terms

Love

Your Inner Teacher

Your Right Mind

Your Wrong Mind

Forgiveness

My hope for you

Chapter 1. Cluelessness to Consciousness

Many of us torture ourselves with guilt about our anger

Getting Out of the Anger Habit Rut

Can anger habits be broken?

CLARIFICATION!

This book offers guided journaling

Life Work

Chapter 2. Anger Without Guilt

For many people anger and guilt go hand-in-hand

What you do with your anger is what matters!

Give yourself a break!

The one and only use of guilt

JAMES

Five Steps for Managing Yourself When You Become Angry

Why do we get angry?

There is one other response to threats besides fight or flight

Start talking to yourself like the best coach you’ve ever had

Life Work

Chapter 3. When Is Anger Bad?

Recently I lost two jobs I loved

My wrong mind gave me the urge to tell somebody off

Next, isolation!

After all the soul searching I finally got it!

When is anger bad? Five ways to mismanage it (and give yourself guilt)

Every moment of our lives is "The Moment of Truth"

Ideas for Releasing Anger in Ways that Don’t Hurt Anyone

Life Work

Chapter 4. Have You Ever Blown Your Top?

We’ve all done it

They don’t call it blowing your top for nothing!

Fear, guilt and hurt are the hot magma bursting to get out!

As the stress mounts the pressure builds

When we blow up we’ve lost self control

Tell yourself the truth

I was the frustrated mom

Try using this process yourself

Life Work

Chapter 5. How Do You Talk to Yourself?

All of us talk to ourselves all the time

Moving from shock and anger to control

Let’s see how you talk to yourself in these scenarios

How do you talk to yourself about yourself?

MARV

You and I are with ourselves 100% of the time!

Flip negative self-talk to positive affirmations

Life Work

Chapter 6. Know Your Anger Triggers!

I had a very bad morning

Gunnysacking!

A more consequential story about anger from the distant past

ANNETTE

This story shows how anger triggers form

It’s easy to see in others

We are clueless when this happens!

Staying in the here and now keeps us sane

Do anger triggers cause every type of anger?

Know Your Anger Triggers!

Red Alert!

Neutralize and resolve painful past experiences

Life Work

Chapter 7. Can You Refocus?

I had an unexpected, weird experience!

When is perceiving and believing illusions a Big Deal?

EVA

BRIAN

HAROLD

Three Conclusions

Our lives exist in moments

Cancel the cost!

Life Work

Chapter 8. Who Controls You?

Controlitis has three forms

Seven scenarios

PAULY

A life-changing event occurred!

A major shift came next

Affirmations to help stop controlitis

Life Work

Chapter 9. How Assertive Are You?

What kind of world did you grow up in?

DR. SINGH

How do assertive people act?

How do assertive people think?

HANK

How do aggressive people act?

How do aggressive people think?

JEANNIE

How do submissive people act?

How do submissive people think?

Two sides of the same coin!

Assertiveness is in a category by itself!

Are you ready for a Self-Assessment?

Life Work

Chapter 10. Do People Like to Communicate With You?

Some people seem to have a silver tongue!

AUNT MARIE

Are great communicators born that way?

What does communicating with others have to do with anger management?

Our bodies speak loudly and they tell the truth!

It may be subliminal but it’s powerful!

Tones and vibes!

Do people like to communicate with you because you are a good listener?

The Communication Stoppers!

Awareness helps us become better communicators

Drop the Stoppers!

Life Work

Chapter 11. Anger Traps: Part One

The Anger Habit Trap

AUNT KATE

The Past and Present Mix-up Trap

See the new situation in a new light

The Unconscious Imitation Trap

My mother was an A+ backseat driver

How have you been influenced?

The Unrealistic Expectations Trap

KURT

My (Realistic) Bucket List

Life Work

Chapter 12. Anger Traps: Part Two

The Judging, Blaming, Condemning Trap

Judging others boomerangs back on us

What does judging others achieve?

Are you harder on yourself than on anyone else?

Can you step out of judgment?

The Displacement Trap

CALVIN

Shooting at the wrong target

Preventing displacement is better than letting it happen

The Rationalization Trap

JUANITA

Rationalization is a very common defense mechanism

The Scarcity Trap

MISS HAVERSHIM

Self pity is an especially sad misery pit

Gratitude is an abbreviation for Great Attitude!

Life Work

Chapter 13. Anger Traps: Part Three

The Attack and Defense Trap

AMANDA

We live in a highly competitive culture

A question to ask yourself

The Need to be Right Trap

ARTHUR

A common trait is the need to be right

It’s not a lot of fun being around someone like this

The Superiority/Inferiority Trap

The flip side of this picture

Imagine you could talk with your very young self

The Grudge and Getting Even Trap

THE NATIVE AMERICAN BOY

Grudges are poison!

Don’t feed the wrong wolf!

Spill the poison down the drain!

Life Work

Chapter 14. Anger in Your Family: Acting Out

MARLA AND GAIL

Acting Out Happens!

I call these incidents stupid fights

There is another option

Sometimes something snaps

When does angry acting out at home cause serious damage?

This is NOT anger management

Ideas for managing when someone in the family destructively acts-out

What if you are a victim?

What if you act out at times?

Life Work

Chapter 15. Anger in Your Family: Unconscious Imitation

A joke that makes the point

This story caused me to reflect

MY DAD

Taking abuse, or allowing it to happen, is NOT anger management!

Ideas for Managing Unconscious Imitation When It Hurts Someone

I have forgiven myself; you can too

Are you willing to make changes?

Life Work

Chapter 16. Anger in Your Family: Rivalries

MIGUEL

Rivalries seem to be a jinxed part of human nature

SHELLY

One evening the hostilities broke loose

Sibling rivalries are so common most people accept them as normal

Ideas for Reversing and Minimizing Pain Caused By Rivalries

Life Work

Chapter 17. Anger in Your Family: Scapegoating

Summers with my country cousins were a real trip!

AGGIE

Love and patience can stop scapegoating!

KARA

Does your family have a black sheep?

Ideas for Breaking the Scapegoating Pattern

What if you are your family’s scapegoat?

KEVIN

Life Work

Chapter 18. Can You Listen With Your Third Ear?

MY MOTHER

Have you given or received this gift?

True listening is taking our attention off ourselves

Sometimes listening is a big challenge

Steps for Listening With Your Third Ear

Plan and prepare for the next time it happens

DENNIS

His healing words were the game changer

WYGYG—What You Give, You Get!

What If You Can’t Get a Word In?

GARRETT

All it took was 45 minutes of patient listening!

Life Work

Chapter 19. Can You Handle Confrontations?

Nobody likes being blamed and shamed

Valuable strategies for handling confrontations

TERRI

What actions caused the positive outcome?

What is the opposite of an I message?

Have you noticed the wording difference in these two ways to confront?

The Formula for Delivering an I Message

Do you need to confront someone about something at present?

Turn a Potential Dispute into a Helpful Conversation

Suggestions for your approach

Take this opportunity to plan the conversation

Ideas for the conversation

How did the conversation go?

The Crucial Matter of Motive

What if someone is blaming, shaming, accusing and criticizing you?

Life Work

Chapter 20. More Assertive Strategies for Managing Anger and Conflict

The Yosemite Dispute

Compromising settled it!

We Postponed a Brawl and Got a Happy Surprise!

Postponing works!

An Apology Was All It Took!

There’s Power in apologizing and/or expressing regret!

Life Work

Endnote: Looking Out Beyond

Acknowledgements

YouTube Videos With

Dr. Gerry Dunne

View Gerry’s YouTube videos now in production. Look for Anger Without Guilt.

Titles include:

Stop the Vicious Circle of Anger and Guilt

Your Right Mind v. Your Wrong Mind

Five Steps for Managing Yourself When You Become Angry

Five Ways to Mismanage Your Anger

How Do You Talk to Yourself About Yourself?

Drop Your Communication Stoppers

Know Your Anger Triggers

Do You Have a Case of Controlitis?

Don’t Let the Memories of Your Own Past Drive You Crazy

Who’s Got You Under Their Influence?

Can You Step Out of Judgment?

No One Has Less or More Value Than You Do

Publications by

Gerry Dunne, Ph.D.

Anger and Conflict Management: Personal Handbookand Guided Journal

A text/workbook for students (age 9 and up) in Anger and Conflict Management classes

Anger and Conflict Management: Leader’s Guide

A guide for instructors of classes using the text/workbook listed above

Supporting Social-Emotional Learning with Remote Instruction:

100 Ready-to-Use Group Activities for Grades 4 – 9

Co-author, Susanna Palomares, M.Ed.

Self Control and Anger Management Lessons for Middle and High School Students:

Activity Guide and Student Materials

Preventing Violence in Our Schools: Classroom Activities and Strategies

for Teachers and Counselors

These publications are available from Innerchoice Publishing Company

(www.InnerchoicePublishing.com)

More titles by Gerry Dunne on google: list of books by author, Gerry Dunne

Author’s Note:

Stories About Real People

Who doesn’t like a story? When there are realistic stories and examples about people in books, I find myself seeking the deeper meanings underlying the author’s purpose. I am more apt to understand and use those purposeful meanings to benefit my own life than if those stories had not been included. I think most of us are similar in this regard.

So it is in Anger Without Guilt. I have included many stories and examples that illustrate the ideas and ideals I sought to convey. Some of the stories came from external sources but most are my own direct experiences and I claimed them as such. In stories about people close to me who have given permission to use their real names I have used them. When it would not have been appropriate to give real names I applied fictitious names. In a number of cases the people in stories have passed away. Still, I have not used their real names in most cases. In other stories the people are not given names at all. I have also changed some unnecessary complicated facts in some stories to fiction in order to streamline them. Additionally, I have blended some of