173: A Survival Guide for Adult Children of Divorce

By Marizanne Knoesen

The honeymoon is long over.

Dad says it’s now whiskey and marriage on the rocks.

Mom says she’s going to take him to the cleaners.

Why are they getting divorced and why now that you’re an adult child? Your parents are divorcing or maybe they have divorced already. Everyone is focused on them, but you’re suffering too. Adult children have a really tough time when their parents split up – just as tough, if not tougher, than young children. In this book several adult children of divorce (18 years and older) share their advice, first-hand experience, confusion, uncertainty, anger and sadness that begin the moment when Mom and Dad say: It’s over.

The bad news? The divorce will always be a wound. The good news? You can learn how to handle it better and in time it could just become a scar. In
the words of a respondent, Gretha (26): “Time makes all wounds bearable.”

• Language: English
• Publisher: Marizanne Knoesen
• Release date: Aug 24, 2021
• ISBN: 9780620958905

Book preview

173_English_cover_1.jpg

173: A Survival Guide for Adult Children of Divorce

ISBN 978-0-620-95890-5

First edition 2021

Text © Marizanne Knoesen

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the copyright holder.

Cover photo: Kelly Sikkema/Unsplash.com

Dedicated to

everyone who shared their stories with me.

Contents

Introduction

1: Why are they divorcing and why now?

2: Signs you’re struggling more than you think

3: Practical advice for surviving your parents’ divorce 

4: Your survival toolkit

5: Parents, friends, family and acquaintances: this is what I would like to say

6: Your future relationships and marriage

7: Final thoughts

Introduction

When my parents decided to divorce, I once again realised how the current education system does not actually prepare you for real life. In a daze I entered a book shop, hoping that there would be some self-help book that could help me with my dilemma. Just like Elizabeth Gilbert in the movie Eat Pray Love, who bought books like Who Moved My Cheese, Crappy to Happy and others when her marriage crumbled, I also wanted to read something that would show me the way forward. I found only one book, in the children’s section, and it was aimed at the parents. I walked back to my car empty-handed.

When I started writing, I thought a book like this would help others like me. But life kept happening (as it does) and the first couple of chapters remained on my desk. However, the need for a book like this kept nagging me. The more I came into contact with other adult children of divorce, the more I realised how desperate people were for ‘answers’ and some empathy. 

This book is for adult children (18 years and older) whose parents are either divorcing or have divorced already. I deliberately decided to keep the book short, as most people don’t want to read a lengthy book when they’re feeling depressed. 

Globally, over the period 1970–2008, the divorce rate has more than doubled.¹ In South Africa, where I was born, data from Statistics South Africa show that the number of divorce cases from 2011 to 2017 increased every year (there is a time lag involved to report more recent statistics). In 2017, more than 25 000 marriages ended in divorce. Even though there are other statistics in South Africa (and in the world) that are more shocking, I know how hard it has been to deal with the consequences of my parents’ divorce. 

Why is a book like this necessary? The answer is simple: If you’re an adult child of divorce you know that it changes your life forever … it definitely becomes some kind of mess; in some instances it’s a mess of epic proportions where stuff really hits the fan. Adult children of divorce need all the help they can get and a book like this can provide support.

This book is therefore a guide for adult children whose parents are divorcing, filled with advice on how to deal with various aspects, such as the changes in your relationship with your parents, your siblings and your friends, the day you realise there is someone new in your parent’s life and the unknown, new normal that needs to be established.

Numerous adult children of divorce shared their experiences with me and told me of their confusion, uncertainty, anger and sadness. 

I hope this book and the stories it contains will truly be meaningful for you. Perhaps it will make you laugh – the absurdity of it all, or the nerve of some. It might make you cry – the betrayal, inconsideration, the honest hurt. Hopefully it will make you furious so that you can get rid of the anger that you might be carrying. The most important thing is to realise that you are not alone and that your thoughts and emotions aren’t crazy or unreasonable. 

May this book help you to find healing. 

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1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/living-single/201902/divorce-rates-around-the-world-love-story

chapter 1

Why are they divorcing

and why now?

Perhaps they’ve always held hands or maybe they’ve been fighting your whole life. The details aren’t all that important – it’s a decisive moment when you hear: It’s over. Many parents try to keep up the charade until their children leave home. At some point, society started thinking that reaching the empty nest stage is an adequate and acceptable time for a divorce, because the children