New Testament Tales

By Bob Hartman and Veronica Zundel

Popular storyteller Bob Hartman is renowned for his fresh take on often-told stories, bringing them to life with vibrant characters and a lively twist in the tale. Bob now launches a new series of stories ' The Unauthorized Versions ' which are packed full of humour, mischief, silliness, and fun ' but which all have a good-hearted and memorable conclusion. These easy-to-read stories of Jesus are inspired by the Bible ' but given a completely original slant. Retold at a cracking pace, this black and white line illustrated book (in a style perfectly matched to Bob's mischievous storytelling) makes an ideal read for those who prefer something a little more wayward on their bookshelves, particularly boys aged 7-9.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lion Children's Bks
• Release date: May 22, 2012
• ISBN: 9780745967288

Bob Hartman

Bob Hartman is a professional storyteller and award-winning children’s author of over seventy books. He was born and raised in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, but now lives in Wiltshire. He has been entertaining audiences on both sides of the Atlantic for over 30years with his books and performances, which bring together retellings of Bible stories and traditional tales from around the world with his own imaginative stories. His books are full of humour and insight, whilst his storytelling sessions are exciting, engaging, dynamic – and above all, interactive! The Lion Storyteller Bible is used in schools across the United Kingdom as part of a Bible project called Open the Book, and is regularly performed for over 800,000 children in more than 3,000 primary schools. He is well known for his hugely popular The Lion Storyteller collection, the Telling the Bible series, and the highly acclaimed picture books: The Wolf Who Cried Boy, Dinner in the Lions’ Den and The Three Billy Goats’ Stuff.  

Book preview

Introduction

Why Unauthorized?

Well, in 2011, the Authorized or King James Version of the Bible celebrated its 400th anniversary, and I thought that it might be fun to write an Unauthorized Version.

As Authorized suggests official, traditional, approved of, I figured that an unauthorized version of the Bible stories would come from the point of view of sources that were not official or traditional. So I set about making up other voices to tell these familiar stories:

the boy on the hill who was desperate to swap his lunch of fish and bread

the brother of the bride at the wedding in Cana

he dead boy Jesus raised.

I tried to tell the stories in a way that would be true to the original, but also in a way that would bring out the humour in them.

I sort of doubt that anyone will be reading these in 400 years’ time, but I hope that you enjoy them, and that you chuckle (at least a little). That will be approval enough for me.

The Landlord’s Version

The Shepherds and the Birth of Jesus

Watch where you’re stepping! Avi’s mum shouted as he sleepily slipped down the stairs.

What? the boy grunted. And then, Why?

Ask your father, she grunted back. And then maybe, once he’s answered you, he’ll get off his backside and give me a hand.

Avi’s dad tipped his stool, leaned back against the wall, and grinned. It was nothing, Son. Just a little party we had here last night.

A little party? said Avi’s mum. That’s how you describe it? Her voice was getting louder.

A LITTLE PARTY? And now she was shouting.

OK, a right old knees-up! he admitted.

With…? she added.

With a load of shepherds, he smiled.

Avi scratched his head. Shepherds? I didn’t know you knew any shepherds.

We most certainly do not know any shepherds! Avi’s mum grumbled. Nobody in polite society knows any shepherds. She was glaring at his dad now. NOBODY!

To be fair, he corrected her, we actually do know some shepherds now. There was old Samuel. And young Elijah. And that little man with the crusty thing wrapped around his foot…

That WAS his foot! Avi’s mum muttered darkly. And don’t put that thing in your mouth! she shouted at Avi’s little sister, Hanna, who was sitting on the floor.

Marble, said Hanna.

And Avi’s mum stomped across the room and snatched it from her two-year-old fingers.

Do you see what you have done? she cried, waving the thing that was not a marble at Avi’s dad.

Calm down, dear, he shrugged. A little sheep poo never hurt anyone. Although, he continued, looking closer, that might actually BE a marble.

Avi’s mum stamped her foot. I will not calm down. We are a respectable inn. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would be sweeping up after sheep in this dining room!

So how did the shepherds get here in the first place? Avi asked.

An excellent question! Avi’s mum replied. She was glaring at his dad again. Shall I answer, darling, or would you like to?

They were happy, said Avi’s dad. They were running up and down the street, shouting about the good news that they wanted to share.

That doesn’t sound so bad, Avi shrugged.

Really? his mother sneered, digging a clump of wool out of Hanna’s cheek. Not so bad? Then why did Martha up at the Rook and Rock Badger slam the door on them? Why did Melchizedek blow out every lamp at the Hoof and Hippo?

Because they didn’t want to hear the news? guessed Avi.

Because they were SHEPHERDS! she shouted. Filthy, stinking, flea-bitten, sheep-shifting shepherds! And nobody with any concern for their reputation, she was glaring at Avi’s dad yet again, lets a gang of shepherds into their establishment!

So what was the good news? asked Avi, sheepishly.

Craziness, grumbled his mum.

Now that’s a matter of opinion, dear, said his dad. "It seems that the shepherds had – how shall I put it –