The Life You Never Expected

By Andrew Wilson

Sometimes you end up living the life you never expected. When Andrew and Rachel found out that one, and then both, of their children had severe autism, their world was turned on its head.

This is a book about surviving, and thriving, when something goes horribly wrong. It is a mixture of their story and God's story, and the way in which his has shaped theirs.

With clarity and biblical insight, they share their experience of grief and worship, struggle and hope. As well as reflecting on the specific challenges of raising children with special needs, they speak to broader questions as well: the problem of suffering, building a marriage under pressure, fighting for joy and trusting in the goodness of God.

This is not just a book for families and friends of special needs children, but for all who have been thrown a curve ball in life, and need to know how to lament, worship, pray and hope.

• Language: English
• Publisher: IVP
• Release date: Jul 17, 2015
• ISBN: 9781783593545

Andrew Wilson

Andrew Wilson is teaching pastor at King’s Church London and has theology degrees from Cambridge (MA), London School of Theology (MTh), and King’s College London (PhD). He is a columnist for Christianity Today and has written several books, including Echoes of Exodus and Spirit and Sacrament.

Book preview

LifeYouNeverExpected

This a sweet, touching book, a testimony of parents’ love for their special, vulnerable children, and an extended meditation on the nature of the suffering which is part of the Christian life. Andrew and Rachel write with frank honesty and a sensitivity to biblical teaching about the expectations for life in a fallen world. I hope that this little book will bring wise comfort to other parents faced with similar challenges.

Dr Carl R. Trueman, Pastor of Cornerstone Presbyterian Church, Ambler, PA, and Paul Woolley Professor of Church History, Westminster Theological Seminary, Philadelphia (see also page 47)

I have no idea how these hard-pressed parents found the time and energy to write this book, but I’m very glad they did. Here is a thoughtful and thought-provoking book which explores that important place where faith meets suffering. This well-written resource is full of kindness, humour and honesty. Although it will be helpful to parents of special needs children, there is wisdom here for anybody with trouble on their hands.

Dr Emily Ackerman, author of A Time to Care and The Amazing Technicolour Pyjama Therapy

Andrew and Rachel Wilson write about the rough times that parenting children with special needs always involve. There is indeed weeping, but there is also worshipping; there is a time to wait, but there is also a time to witness; above all, there is a time to breathe, that is (in the authors’ own words), ‘to find God, and lean on him, in the storm’.

The Life You Never Expected is a very wise, deep and practical book. As a Christian psychiatrist, I warmly recommend it to all those who are struggling with the storms of life, including anyone who wants to know how to lament, worship, pray, wait and hope in the midst of suffering.

Dr Pablo Martinez, psychiatrist, and author of A Thorn in the Flesh: Finding Strength and Hope amid Suffering

The Life You Never Expected is an honest, confessional and hopeful book. It doesn’t flinch from telling the whole truth about the trials of parenting special needs children, and it reminds us of our need for the gospel every day. This isn’t a book that’s going to tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and try harder. This is a book for those who are on the floor, weeping, because they need to know Jesus is with them.

Russell D. Moore, President, Southern Baptist Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission

This is a poignant and delightfully forthright book, written by parents who are still clearly raw from their experiences. You’ll find nothing glib or ivory tower here: here is hard-earned wisdom, biblical realism and winning sensitivity. Recommended for all in the throes of suffering, and for all who would comfort them.

Michael Reeves, Director of Union and Senior Lecturer, Wales Evangelical School of Theology

The authors write with disarming honesty and humour. In style, their story is engaging and warm; in effect, it is challenging. They offer practical and spiritual wisdom that gives help and hope to parents and families of autistic children – but also to others whose lives have taken unexpected turns. Connections to my own story mean I have laughed and cried, but above all, I have celebrated the Christian gospel all over again.

Debra Reid, Tutor at Spurgeon’s College, London (and mother of an adult autistic son)

The Life You Never Expected is truly an inspirational book and a must-read for all Christians who have experienced any kind of suffering. Rachel and Andrew tell the story of how a wholehearted belief in Bible promises helps Christians to cope with bringing up children with special needs. The authors learned lessons that are relevant for everyone. They don’t offer glib answers to hard questions, nor do they duck the issue of what appears to be unanswered prayer. And their honesty shines through in what they describe as ‘the new ordinary’ and ‘the making of new dreams’. In the midst of a life they never expected, they experience great joy and pride in their wonderful children. They show how important the church family is in helping them to cope, and offer personal insights into balancing family life and church commitments

Carrie Vibert, mother and grandmother, and a community nursery nurse in a health visiting team

This wonderful book does far more than give objective answers to questions about suffering. Andrew and Rachel bare their souls as they share their day-to-day struggles with two autistic children. They share their discoveries with humour, humility and brutal honesty. How do you cope with ongoing pain, lack of sleep, a curtailed social life, as well as the big theological questions of ‘Why, Lord?’? Their insights will be an enormous blessing to the many who suffer in hard-to-bear, complex situations. This book is a gold mine. Read it, keep it and read it again.

Wendy Virgo, mother, grandmother, and wife of Terry Virgo, founder of the worldwide family of Newfrontiers churches

The Life You Never Expected

© Andrew and Rachel Wilson 2015

Andrew and Rachel Wilson have asserted their rights under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as Authors of this work.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher or the Copyright Licensing Agency.

Unless otherwise stated, Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®) copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. ESV® Text Edition: 2011. The ESV® text has been reproduced in cooperation with and by permission of Good News Publishers. Unauthorized reproduction of this publication is prohibited. All rights reserved.

The Scripture quotation marked NIV is taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

The Scripture quotation marked KJV is from the King James Version of the Bible.

First published 2015

ISBN: 9781783593538

Cover design: Kev Jones

IVP

INTER-VARSITY PRESS

Norton Street, Nottingham NG7 3HR, England

Email: [e-mail]

Website: www.ivpbooks.com

Inter-Varsity Press publishes Christian books that are true to the Bible and that communicate the gospel, develop discipleship and strengthen the church for its mission in the world.

Inter-Varsity Press is closely linked with the Universities and Colleges Christian Fellowship, a student movement connecting Christian Unions in universities and colleges throughout Great Britain, and a member movement of the International Fellowship of Evangelical Students. Website: www.uccf.org.uk

For Pete Cooley

A gift to the Wilsons, and to the church

Contents

Introduction

The day of deep breaths

Psalm 130

What do we do with suffering? A meditation on Psalm 130

First cycle

Weeping: The orange

Worshipping: The call to sacrifice

Waiting: The true battle

Witnessing: Individualitis and the Dung Gate

And breathe: The special needs beatitudes (what Jesus might have said)

Second cycle

Weeping: Lament

Worshipping: Fighting for joy

Waiting: The quest for rest

Witnessing: Children as a blessing

And breathe: Joy fuel

Third cycle

Weeping: The unresolved ‘why?’

Worshipping: Thankfulness in a world of entitlement

Waiting: The Storyteller

Witnessing: The new ordinary

And breathe: One boy and his dog

Fourth cycle

Weeping: Handling grief

Worshipping: Learning to pray

Waiting: Some reflections on healing

Witnessing: Questions and answers

And breathe: The survival zone

Fifth cycle

Weeping: A note to friends and relatives

Worshipping: Faith in future grace

Waiting: Daydreaming about eternity

Witnessing: Marriage on fire

And breathe: Some helpful resources

Epilogue: The Captain

Notes

Introduction

This is a book about spiritually surviving, and thriving, when something goes horribly wrong. In our case, that ‘something’ was discovering that both of our children had regressive autism. This book, then, is a mixture of our story and God’s story, and the way in which his shapes ours.

For good reasons, we have to start a book like this with a few disclaimers. This is just our story (and it might not be yours). We’re new at this (we may look back in ten years and recant it all). Our experience of special needs is mainly limited to our children (and our highs and lows may be a drop in the ocean compared to what you are facing). We don’t know how to cope when children become aware of their disability (because ours haven’t yet), or how to balance the needs of special needs children and their siblings (because both of ours are autistic). And so on.

So why, you might wonder, would two novices like us write a book like this? In short, the answer is that four years ago we were looking for something like this. We were looking for a book that was not just theology, or autobiography, but something that talked about spiritual survival: how, in the early tumultuous years of coming to terms with special needs, we could cling to Jesus, and even thrive in the midst of adversity. We couldn’t find one, so we wrote one.

We’ve written with three types of people in mind. The first, obviously, is parents who have just been thrown a curve ball – disability, for instance – and need encouragement to grip the Rock a little bit tighter (and to know God’s grip upon them), even as the waves of life crash around them. Support groups are great. Friends who are going through the same things are invaluable. But