Horrible Mothers: Breach of a Sacred Trust

By Lawrence E. Hedges and Alice Thie Vieira

This seemingly simple but truly complex question True or false: My mother was a good woman. This item has appeared in one form or another on countless psychological inventories over the years. The culturally-prescribed answer is, of course, True. Even the people most abused by their mothers tend to rise to defend "Mom." The rationale varies: She was basically good; She was never cut out to have children; She simply had no idea how to be there for me"; Perhaps if she hadnt had me; Maybe it was I who turned her into a bad mother?

As early as 1954 in his work with abused children, psychoanalyst Ronald Fairbairn observed that a child acknowledging to herself or anyone else that she had a bad mother or that her mother was a bad woman was tantamount to admitting that the child was, by association, a bad person--and so it becomes an act of self-preservation to hold that one's mopther is good, never mind allevidence to the contrary.

In Horrible Mothers, pshychotherapistAlice Thie Vieira takes us into the world of individuals who have endured devastating damage at the hands of society's most sacrosanst icon: the Mother.

Vieira does so with four chief aims:

1. to label abuse so as to be able to acknowledge it;

2. to recognize that the sanctification of motherhood is aburden that society has foisted upon them;

3. to help mothers understand how their mothering may have hurt their children;

4. to help victims of horrible mothering grasp the unfairness of what was done to them, to comprehend how it affected their lives, and acknowledge what they have endured so as to break free from unhealthy attachments to their inadequate mothers, and thus move forward and better realize their potentiality.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Aug 25, 2009
• ISBN: 9781449014407

Lawrence E. Hedges

Alice Thie Vieira is a practicing marriage and family therapist and clinical psychologist,working with adolescents, adults and couples. She was a high-school teacher, counselor, dean of girls, vice principal in charge of counseling and guidance and principal of one of the most prestigious girls high schools in the United States. She taught at University of California, Irvine, supervising upcoming counselors. She also hosted a radio show on KUCI, Psych Talk , for over five years, during which issues and struggles of daily life were discussed on a weekly basis. Maximizing potential by removing barriers that inhibit happy and successfu lives is her goal in all the work she does.

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© 2009 Alice Thie Vieira, Ph.D.. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 8/20/2009

ISBN: 978-1-4490-1440-7 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4389-6954-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4389-8585-5 (hc)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2009902659

Printed in the United States of America

Bloomington, Indiana

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Dedication

Dr. John F. Thie, Jack to me, is my big brother. He died unexpectedly in 2005 of prostrate cancer that metastasized into his bones. He was only 72. I cannot even begin to express the loss I feel every day. There is no doubt that he was my amazing parent in so many ways. As I say in my first book, he was there for me, and he bragged about me. This is not, however, why I am dedicating this book to him. Long before I ever even thought he wouldn’t be with me physically my entire life, I planned to dedicate this book to him for what he gave the world. He was certainly a good-enough mother to a movement that taught millions to be independent and take care of themselves and those they love.

He gave birth to a movement with his 1973 book Touch for Health: A Practical Guide to Natural Health Using Acupressure Touch and Massage to Improve Postural Balance and Reduce Physical and Mental Pain and Tension. He wrote about simple techniques to help people keep the energy flowing in the body in order to maximize their health. His book has been published in 15 languages. When I taught the techniques in Australia in the late ‘70s, a medical doctor took the class because he was going to a backward country to help with the medical issues and felt this technique could be used to give these people ways to help each other and themselves after he returned home.

My brother gave these techniques to millions of people through his book, his foundation, his instructors, and through the legacy he passed on to his son, Matthew, who continues his work. He raised millions to take care of themselves through such a wide variety of techniques that many who use them today may not even know from whence they originated. He birthed a child whom he loved, taught, nurtured, supported, and deeply believed in all the branches of healing that sprang from his loins and then released into the world. It is this sacred trust to birth, nurture, validate and release freely without credit needed or expected that is the miracle of generatively.

For giving so much to so many, and for being an incredible light in my life, I dedicate this book to my brother Jack:

Dr. John F. Thie

1933–2005

Acknowledgments

This book has been in the making for over five years. Many changes have occurred in my life during that time, which has made maintaining the surge of enthusiasm that comes with writing a book that has such an intense message difficult. at best. In any case, there are a number of people I would like to acknowledge who hung in there with me over this long haul.

First and foremost, I thank my numerous clients who brought to therapy issues dealing with life that replicated issues they had or have with their mothers. I have admired and respected all their efforts to recognize their mothers’ effects on their lives and to work through those dilemmas. I also acknowledge all those clients who tried to do so but couldn’t face their harsh personal realities. Some of the mothers were too daunting to challenge or to even think of challenging. One man put it this way: It just doesn’t work. I know it, and I have to live with it.

In the beginning stages of writing Horrible Mothers, there were many I want to thank. Particular among those folks are Bill Weekley, Parker Collins, Judie Framan, Kim Vieira, Dave Wong, Brian Talbert, Victoria Knight, Kimberly O’Brien, Mike McConnell, Connie Rubsamen, and Grace Knight.

In the final stages of getting the book published Pauline Flanagan was incredibly valuable in nit picking the words and phrasing that I could no longer see. Her delight with my delight was pure joy and helped me complete the last lap.

I ran into Dr. Lawrence Hedges at a conference and told him of my book idea, then asked him about using a picture he used in one of his books for my cover. His encouragement and eagerness to read the completed book and give feedback kept me going. Larry also recommended to me Greggory Moore, an invaluable editor who gently and delightfully went though my writings and greatly enhanced the flow of my thinking. Greggory also was instrumental in shortening my text.

And a special note of gratitude goes to Al Blake Eliel for the insight, support, and compassion he contributed to this project. His frankness and long hours of discussion will be forever in my heart.

To all above, I am truly grateful.

Foreword

By Lawrence E. Hedges, Ph.D, Psy.D., ABPP

True or false: My mother was a good woman.

This item has appeared in one form or another on countless psychological inventories over the years. The culturally proscribed answer is, of course, True. Even the people most abused by their mothers tend to rise to the occasion to defend them. The reasons are many: She was basically good, but…; She was never cut out to have children, but…; She simply had no idea how to be there for me, but...; Perhaps if she hadn’t had me…; "Maybe it was I who turned her into a bad mother?"

As early as 1954 psychoanalyst Ronald Fairbairn in Scotland, while working with abused children, observed that a child acknowledging to herself or anyone else that she had a bad mother or that her mother was a bad woman was tantamount to admitting that she was, by association, a bad person also. So we must all implicitly agree that my mother was a good woman who did the best she could under the circumstances.

Alice Thie Vieira violates this cultural taboo in Horrible Mothers.

We do not choose the mother who raises us—fate decides that for us. But by the time we reach an age when we can begin to realize the powerful negative influences this person has had on us, the damage is already done. It is a daunting task to go back and rebuild what has already been a work in progress for many years. Further, we must take into account that along with the formation of these basic human building blocks of our personalities comes the style by which they are set in place—which is most likely determined by the woman who raised our mother, her mother. No parent is perfect and many good mothers do work hard to change for the better the emotional holes left in their lives by their own mothers.

The mothers that Horrible Mothers is written about are the ones who are incapable of the kind of perspective it takes to see the bigger picture and to understand the consequences of their behavior and their neglect. Their damaged children subsequently become caught in the cultural myth which dictates that one must honor one’s mother as a good person; and that one must overlook the consequences of her behavior regardless of how destructive it may have been—behavior that has without question had profound and lasting negative effects on the lives they are struggling to live successfully.

Alice has been a student and colleague of mine for 30 years. I am greatly impressed with her professional approach to this very delicate subject. My own books, addressed to psychotherapists, continue to highlight, as she does, the many devastating effects that can result from flawed mothering. Sometimes the difficulty is how to fault the mothering of a particular child under particular developmental or environmental circumstances without necessarily faulting the mother. But many times the mother herself has miserably failed her child. These are the mothers Vieira writes about.

In our personal therapy we search to discover and define the internal and often unconscious patterns and templates that have interfered with our development and continue to have a negative impact on our current growth in relationships. Therapists have often been criticized for encouraging parent-blaming. There is, of course, some truth to this accusation. But there is a larger truth. What therapists know is that their clients are searching for an understanding of the destructive and self-destructive ways they are leading their lives, and that it is often easier to begin this search by pointing the finger outside. Only after we open our eyes to the parental influences that left negative imprints on our personalities can we begin to take responsibility for how we continue to maintain those imprints in our daily lives. Only then can we start our journey of transformation. So most of the so-called parent-blaming is in service of gaining knowledge about how one’s self is constructed so that one can begin generating more favorable and more creative life options. But Dr. Vieira’s book is about something else altogether: it is about unveiling the facts of truly bad mothering practices and their damaging effects.

Horrible Mothers is full of stories about psychotherapy clients who have endured devastating damage at the hands of thoughtless, incompetent, self-centered, and openly destructive mothers and who have been helped in their reconstructive work by Dr. Vieira’s willingness to connect deeply and to offer help and support when needed. If you think this is a subject that should continue to be overlooked, think again. I strongly