Hello! Next Time We Will Be Friends

By James Ottley

In a world where most people believe that they are always right, it has become increasingly difficult for productive conversation to take place. I am proposing that an informal salutation, introduction, communication needs to take place. This should be followed by an intentional invitation for dialogue, on an equal playing field, where trust, generosity can be developed and be evident in transparency at every level.
In an interrelated and interconnected world, productive action is possible if we act with wisdom and with a firm commitment toward peace and justice for all. I believe that hello, wisdom, hospitality, trust, generosity and action is the way forward.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 18, 2011
• ISBN: 9781462892099

James Ottley

Bishop James Ottley was born in the city of Colon, Panama. He studied Accounting and Psychology at the University of Panama. In 1973 he obtained a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology at the Caribbean Center for Post Graduate Studies in Puerto Rico. His theological studies began at the Episcopal Seminary of the Caribbean in Puerto Rico where he earned a Master of Divinity degree. He did continuing educations studies at The Episcopal Seminary of the Southwest and at The Episcopal Seminary of Virginia. He served many congregations in the diocese of Panama and was Chaplain to two institutions, The Bella Vista’s Children Home for Girls and The Episcopal University Center. In 1984 he was consecrated Bishop of the Episcopal Church of Panama, where he served for eleven years. During that period, he also served as Bishop of the Episcopal Church in El Salvador for five years. He has been a deputy to the General Convention on several occasions, and a member of the Executive Council of the Episcopal Church. He also served as Vice President of the House of Bishops for five years. In Province IX of the Episcopal Church, he has served as Christian Education Coordinator, Executive Secretary, Vice-President and President. Bishop Ottley has represented the Episcopal Church as a member of the Anglican Consultative Council of the Anglican Communion, at the World Council of Churches Assembly in Canberra, Australia in 1991. He has attended three Lambeth Conferences and in 1988, he served as one of the Coordinators of the Section on Ministry and Mission. In 1994 -1999 he was appointed by the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Anglican Consultative Council as Anglican Observer at the United Nations. He attended the World Summit of the United Nations on Social Development held in Copenhagen in 1995. He also represented the Anglican Communion at the Fourth World Conference on Women in Beijing, China in 1995. There he addressed the Plenary. Bishop Ottley was Professor of Developmental Psychology for ten years at the University of Panama and since retiring he has served as Interim Bishop in the Diocese of Honduras, as Assistant Bishop in the Diocese of Southeast Florida and the Diocese of Long Island. He is a consultant for “The Church Pension Fund,” as Field Representative for Latin America. He serves the “Yes” Institute, whose mission is the prevention of suicide in all children, as the Director for Global Education. He is presently the Interim Bishop of the Diocese of Cuernavaca, Mexico. Bishop Ottley is married to Lillian Garcia Lind and they have four children and six grandchildren. Bishop Ottley has three D. D. degrees, Honorius Causa, from The Theological Seminary of The South-west, Austin, Texas, The University of the South and Berkeley Divinity School at Yale. He has co-authored several books: Makings sense of things,1982, We are Anglicans, 1989, Ecclesiology, 1990 and By Word and Deed, 1992

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Copyright © 2011 by James Ottley.

Library of Congress Control Number:       2011910276

ISBN:         Hardcover                               978-1-4628-9207-5

                   Softcover                                 978-1-4628-9208-2

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4628-9209-9

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DEDICATION AND THANKS

I dedicate this book to my children James, Luis, Irina and Carlos and Mrs. Ena Townsend who has encouraged me over the years to write a book, to Harry Thompson (deceased) who introduced and nurtured me in the way and life of the Episcopal Church. To my parents (both deceased) and to my brother (deceased) and sisters; and especially to my wife Lillian, who has been my rock, my guide, my companion and friend throughout these years of our lives.

THANKS

I am thankful to my friends, females and males, who have been constant in their love and friendship. We have worshipped, prayed, play, sing, dance, argued, but have always respected the dignity and worth of each other. Thanks to Dr. Norman Matlin who has taught me about the different views of the world and the way how they affect the decisions we make in life. To Bishop Edmond Browning, who was very supportive during my ministry in Panama. I am grateful to Adam Watstein for his many suggestions, ideas that proved to be sound advice in the development of this project. To Bishop Leo Frade a friend and brother who is an example of shared leadership. To Bishop Orris Walker who has been an example of kindness and generosity. To The Bishops of IARCA, Province Nine and the many friends whom I have met in my pilgrimage in this world, and have in one way or another have been part of my community and with whom there have been developments of wholesome relationships. To Lloyd Allen, a friend and brother bishop who has on many occasions demonstrated hospitality, and a willingness to share. To David Perry with whom a first Hello was the beginning of many exchanges and life rewarding experiences. To the Reverend Ricardo Potter mi compadre with whom the element of trust has developed over the years; and finally to the members of my past and present staff who have been very helpful and encouraging during the days of preparation of the manuscript of this book. To all of the above and many, many more who have offered advice and encouragement in numerous and significant ways, my thanks.

Contents

Introduction Hello

Chapter One Wisdom, Generosity, Hospitality, Trust, And Action

Chapter Two Interrelatedness And Interconnectedness

Chapter Three Meanwhile In The Episcopal Church

Chapter Four The Place Of Choices In Our Decisions

Chapter Five Meanwhile In The Church

Chapter Six Relationships

Chapter Seven A Church In The Face Of Revolution

Chapter Eight Reconciliation, Transformation, And Unconditional Love

Chapter Nine Leadership

Chapter Ten Ordained Women In The Church

Chapter Eleven My Story

Chapter Twelve Multitasking

Chapter Thirteen The Importance Of The Other

Chapter Fourteen Service And The Power Of Sharing Stories

Chapter Fifteen History Of The Episcopal Church In Panama

Chapter Sixteen My Story

Chapter Seventeen Conclusion

Chapter Eighteen Meanwhile In The Church

Chapter Nineteen The Great Feast/Peace Triumphs Over Violence

Appendix A

Appendix B

Appendix C

Appendix D

Bibliography

INTRODUCTION

Hello

"The First Time You Say Hello,

the Next Time You Are a Friend."

THIS BOOK IS about how we live together in an exciting, complex world. I am proposing that hello, how you take the initiative to begin conversation, is, without a doubt, of supreme importance. It follows that this initiative, the initial introduction, is one of the elements of my proposal for significant and powerful dialogue. Wisdom, hospitality, generosity, trust, and action are the other elements that are conducive to sustainable communication which allows for meaningful conversation to take place in a much-divided world. You will find in this book stories about my family and my life. You will find stories about certain periods of the Episcopal Church of which I am a member, and you will also find stories about important world events that were taking place during the periods of my life story. Interwoven in all these stories are six elements: hello, wisdom, hospitality, generosity, trust, and action.

In some cases, these elements will be implicit, at other times they will be explicit. However, they are intended to be the thread that holds these stories together. I believe in the power of stories, so you will find that much of my thoughts are presented in stories that I have lived or have read. So here we go on this roller-coaster ride with my first story, which presents a very important lesson taught to me by my son Luis.

Some years ago when my second child, Luis, was about nine years old, he and I went walking in a new neighborhood where we had just moved. While we were walking, I noticed that he was saying to the people as we approached them Hello, Mrs. Johnson. Hello, Mr. Gonzales. Hello, Ms. Brown and so on.

After a while I said to him, Luis, you can’t know so many people for we have just moved here about two weeks ago.

My son looked at me and responded, Dad, the first time you say hello, the next time you are friends.

What a simple but profound thing to say. Luis knew that one way to build community was to make friends, to reach out to those with whom you come in contact with in your walk of life. He knew that in order to make this world a better place for all people, first you must reach out, and then you must say hello, and respect, trust, and honesty must be at the forefront. He also knew that the more people with whom you connect, the more friends you made, the greater the possibilities for community building.

We live today in a very diverse and complex world. In our societies, across the globe, just look at what leaders are up against: a world that is more unstable, more dangerous than it was even a few years ago. Social systems in place for ages no longer meet the needs of families, or nations. Conflicts that used to be local and for the most part containable are now global. They baffle our sense of reason and ignite panic and anger, as well as impulsive, ineffective responses. These conflicts do not lend themselves to traditional solutions. Around the world, a new kind of war has led to generalized anxiety that touches all of us, personally (Richard Boyatzis and Annie Mckee, Resonant Leadership [Harvard Business School Press, 2005]).

It has been said in many ways that we live in an interdependent complex world, that we are interrelated and interconnected; thus, it is evident that we must address the problems of diversity in terms of ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, languages and the problems of poverty, development of peace, and justice of rich and poor together.

Vice president Al Gore Jr. makes the point in the book Crisis and the Renewal of Creation that to be in relationship with one another is to be in relationship with God, and to be in relationship with God is to be in relationship with the entire creation.

He further went on to say that God is within us as God is in all creation. I believe that God is visible and perceptible in every corner of Creation, but to our senses only faintly. Only when we can envision in our mind’s eye and in our hearts the fullness of God’s Creation can we see vividly the image of God (Crisis and the Renewal of Creation [New York: The Continuum Publishing Co., 1996], 43). For those who are able to make this leap, a transformation takes place that enables our vision of interconnectedness. In any event, an understanding of our interdependence should lead to the knowledge of our responsibility for the protection and preservation of all of Creation.

In spite of the above, this is the world where abject poverty and disease like malaria and HIV-AIDS are still prevalent, where the gap between rich and poor has widened, and health care is unavailable because of the cost for many. Trust or accountability is questioned at every level. And the list goes on. The task is great, and the goal must be audacious, and friends must come together. There is an old Chinese proverb that states simply, If you do not change direction, you will probably end up where you are going (ibid., 34). The question is, can we change direction? And if so, how? Is hello the first step?

I can think of the number of times on the subway or on an elevator when I tried to make contact with people either orally or with a nod, and my attempts were met with blank stares. It is my understanding that to know someone you must first see them, and to see them you must see the beauty in them. When there is no response or when your hello or nod is met with a blank stare, it is because no communication with the other person has been established or was ever welcome. You must say hello. The next time you just might be friends. Communication becomes very important in community building; therefore, those with whom we come in contact with must be able to feel that they have our undivided attention and are respected for who they are, children of God made in the image of God, for love and to be loved.

A friend of mine very often would say, It is not on bicycles with iPods in our ears that we will be saved, but rather on buses. Meaning that it is in community, it is in our togetherness, it is when we are able to realize that we are indeed our sister’s or our brother’s keeper, that we will see the kinds of transformation in our lives that will affect others and make for better living where peace, joy, and fulfillment reign.

In 1 Corinthians 12:21-26, we read, And the eye cannot say to the hand, I have no need of you; or again the head to the feet, I have no need of you. On the contrary, it is much truer that the members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary; and those members of the body which we deem less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor, and our less presentable members become much more presentable, whereas our more presentable members have no need of it. But God has so composed the body, giving more abundant honor to that member which lacked, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.

The same is true in our interpersonal relationships; we are interconnected and interrelated one with the other in this world. This being the case, we need to look at how we relate to one another. We need to understand clearly that the nature of human beings is to be found in our need for one another. We really do need each other. One person does not build community; it takes many. When one hurts, all hurt. The emphasis as we can see here is not on the individual but on the oneness. When one succeed, all succeed; when we fail, all fail. When one member of the community does not function or refuse to function, then we all are unable to function properly. Oneness is the key to community building.

Maybe the questions for us today are, How do we build community, how do we communicate, how do we have conversation in such a way that there are not winners and losers, nor that there are those who are right and those who are wrong, nor in having a conversation, we focus on our looking good and, as a result, does not take the whole, the others into consideration. Allow me to suggest that all of the above have to do with the way we view the world and how we make decisions. Many people have a linear concept of the world. For those people, when faced with a problem, the goal and the means toward the solution of the problem are fixed, and likewise, the alternatives before them are equally fixed; for them, the choice before them is only one, and thus, they can only choose one alternative. And the alternative they choose will always be for them the right one.

As you no doubt are aware, their decisions are always right, and all others, if it is not the same as theirs, are wrong. In this model, there will always be winners and losers. The conversation is very stressful, and emphatic listening does not take place; a real attempt to focus on the other person, to give them our undivided time and attention, is lost in our own preparation of what we would like to say to reinforce our particular point of view. Here are a few thoughts related to what I think emphatic listening is all about:

1.   Give the person your undivided attention.

2.   Look for strengths and not weaknesses, and try to be affirming.

3.   Do not speak while another is speaking. Ask only questions to clarify.

4.   Do not think of your responses while the other person is speaking because your attention should not be on yourself but rather on the other person. It is not about winning.

5.   It is always good to paraphrase, give feedback or have clarity before responding.

6.   If needed, be sure that your response is related to the question asked or the idea expressed. Remember, it is not always necessary for you to say something. If you have nothing to say, why say it with words? Silence in some instances is a precious jewel.

7.   A good sense of humor is valuable, but beware of jokes while another person is speaking, especially those that are inappropriate and offensives.

In situations where the goals, means, and alternatives are fixed, meaningful and powerful conversation is almost impossible, leading only to a decision that leads to divisions and the destruction of community.

We are here to build community, not to tear each other down. We are interconnected and interrelated, and I definitely hope that our goal is to make this world a better place for all people. You can’t choose where you are born, but you can definitely choose where you live and how you interact with the people where you live in all walks of your life.

Another way to see and understand the world is that view that affirms that in all situations, we develop goals and means that are fixed. The alternatives before us, however, are not fixed, but only one is the right choice. This means that we have choices. However, the fallacy of this vision of the world is that only one choice is the correct one. Anything else that we choose would be wrong. There is only one true choice. I am sure that you have heard it said that we can interpret the Bible any way that we chose, but only one interpretation is the right one. In such a worldview, you stifle conversation, and you assure yourself of being right, and the other persons whose interpretation might be different to yours is wrong. You always win, and those who do not make the same choices that you have made are always wrong. In a world of this nature, there is no free will or freedom of choice. There is no room for conversation. There is only room for convincing those who are wrong. There is no room for being creative, for discovering new paths. Experience will always triumph and could very well trump wisdom in such a worldview.

It is possible to have another worldview. In that worldview, it is recognized that in all situations, there are goals and means that are not fixed. But the alternatives for choosing are not fixed either. In such a situation, you may choose. But you know that your choice is just another choice. You have made every effort to make the right choice. Given all the facts that you know and have examined, your choice is the right one for you, but you are conscious that another person’s choice could be different from yours given their knowledge of the situation, their culture and background, their interest, their past, their experiences and educational formation, which, in every situation, always play an important part in their and our final decision. In each and every case of a person who has this worldview, they are accountable, responsible for their decision, but there are, in a true sense, no winners or losers. There are people who have made decisions, made choices. In such situations, people are respected, their dignity and worth are valued, and freedom is evident. They are not adversaries, but friends and community can be built as they seek to find common ground on the things on which they can agree. This view also allows for creativity to flourish, mistakes to be made but affirms also, that reconciliation is always possible.

In such a community, people are respected, actions do take place, but accountability rests with the individual, and changes comes from within and not from without. Conversations are essential not to win arguments but rather to share information, which hopefully might lead to the creation of new possibilities that enable peaceful and wholesome living as well as possibilities not seen or grasped before.

Just recently while returning in a taxi one evening from the Lambeth Conference, a conference of the Anglican Church for bishops of the Anglican Communion coming from different parts of the world (the communion has over eighty million members in forty-four regional and national member churches in about 160 countries). The Episcopal Church is part of the Anglican Communion. To get back to the driver of the taxi, he asked me what I was doing at the University of Kent; I told him that I was there for the Lambeth Conference, which meets every ten years. He then said to me that he had heard of the conference and that at the conference, we were discussing the issue of homosexuality. I responded by saying to him that we were indeed not only discussing the issue of human sexuality, of gender, of sexual orientation but also the issues of poverty, of violence and the abuse of power, of hunger, of disease, of discrimination, of racism, and of the abuse of women and children. The conversation continued with him making reference to homosexuality, saying how it was wrong, against the natural order, and he went on and on until we arrived at my destination. Then he turned to me and said, You know, I did not learn anything from my conversation with you today. Homosexuality is wrong, and I hope you will do something about it. And he drove away.

I guess that he meant that I did not change his mind. What he failed to realize was that that was not my intention. Conversation is not intended to change a person’s point of view but to build a relationship for a greater good. I am afraid we had a brief encounter. There were some assumptions but no initial moves toward a possible relationship.

This may seem strange, however. The following day on my way home in a different taxi, the same question as to my reason for being at the University of Kent was put to me. You can image how reluctant I was to continue the conversation. The conversation, however, took a different turn; I told him of our Bible studies, which was made up of people from different parts of the world with different understanding of the Bible reading together the same portions of scripture daily and trying to find unity in spite of their differences in culture, in languages, and interpretation of scripture, in spite of their diverse points of view and life experiences.

He went on to say that he admired what we were doing in our discussions about homosexuality and said that he felt that all people should be respected and should be allowed to live loving wholesome lives regardless of their sexual orientation. He congratulated the conference for dealing with what he thought was a difficult issue, but he felt that we were a shining beacon for those who felt hopeless in this world. No minds were changed, but we parted not with anger but with knowing a little more about each other. Here is how parts of our conversation went.

We talked about his wife and family who at that time were visiting his in-laws in Japan and how he was looking forward to seeing them the following week. I told him where I was from. I told him that I was married and that we had four children and six grandchildren. The conversation went on and on until I arrived at my destination. Two strangers had met. We said hello. We had conversation. We shared information about our lives. There were no winners or losers. However, we left knowing a little more about each other. I have thought a lot about these two encounters, especially the second one, and have come to the conclusion that in the second, there were assumptions made by both of us. The conversation was easier because neither of us felt threatened by the other. It is easier for like-minded people to have a conversation and to develop a relationship. But what about when there are differences?

Many of the people that I have met recently involved in communication, including those at the Yes Institute, all remind me that in conversations, it is not about being right, about like-mindedness, but that in all