How to Grow and Master Your Relationships:: Thirteen Steps for Men

By Anthony Servadio

It is no secret that attempting to understand the differences between men and women, especially during modern dating rituals, can be a complex and frustrating process. But when a man is able to overcome stereotypes and identify the right female companion, he has the potential to forge a loving relationship that can bring years of happiness, fun, romance, and deep-seeded friendship.

In his relationship handbook, Anthony Servadio introduces thirteen fundamental principles that will help young men master their interpersonal relationships with women by learning how to appreciate the nature of women, fully comprehending their behavioral characteristics, and then building a relationship based on love and trust. Servadio utilizes extensive research and real-life examples to teach single men specifically how to:

- Develop self-awareness and repair a bruised ego

- Navigate through the first date and beyond

- Identify nurturing women seeking committed relationships

- Avoid different types of traps

- End an unhealthy relationship with dignity

How to Grow and Master Your Relationships: Thirteen Steps for Men is a practical guide that offers advice, tips, and empowerment strategies that will help men successfully navigate the evolving world of dating and find the woman of their dreams.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Jun 29, 2015
• ISBN: 9781480818293

Anthony Servadio

Anthony Servadio holds bachelor, master, and PhD degrees in Engineering. He served the military as a naval reserve officer for more than ten years, has traveled the world, and has been a professional educator for over twenty years. Anthony currently resides in Virginia. This is his first book.

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Copyright © 2015 Anthony Servadio.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Archway Publishing

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-4808-1827-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-1828-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-1829-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015943421

Archway Publishing rev. date: 06/2/2015

CONTENTS

Foreword

Introduction

Chapter One

Step 1—Approaching the First Encounter

Chapter Two

Step 2—Navigating the First Date

Chapter Three

Step 3—When to Show You Are Nice and Caring

Chapter Four

Step 4—When to Make Sexual Overtures

Chapter Five

Step 5—Avoiding Traps Women Set

Chapter Six

Step 6—Being a Virtuous Man

Chapter Seven

Step 7—Identifying a Nurturing Woman

Chapter Eight

Step 8—Developing and Maintaining a Loving, Quality Long Term Relationship

Chapter Nine

Step 9—Finding Happiness for You and Your Partner

Chapter Ten

Step 10—Using Electronic Communication to Enhance Your Relationships

Chapter Eleven

Step 11—Breaking Free From Codependent Relationships

Chapter Twelve

Step 12—Ending a Relationship with Dignity

Chapter Thirteen

Step 13—Rise of a New Day, Emotional Renewal and New Beginnings

Bibliography

FOREWORD

T his book has been inspired by observing a generation of bright, well-educated male college age undergraduate and graduate students stumble and fall while navigating the modern dating world. It has become very clear, based on these experiences, that young men are not being taught the skills they need to confidently step into social circles with young women and develop healthy interpersonal relationships. Observing countless young men fall into relationship traps that include manipulation, codependence, and fraud is the motivation for creating this work. Despite the fact that these highly capable young men should be very attractive to women seeking long term committed relationships, it is not surprising to me that many of these young men lack confidence and self-esteem going into relationships with women, given their lack of education on the subject. It is my goal that young men and recently divorced men who embrace the Thirteen Steps will forge exemplary interpersonal relationships with confidence and ease. Fulfilling and spirited interpersonal relationships will open the door to the grand experiences life offers.

INTRODUCTION

O ne of the most disturbing trends of modern American society is the apparent rise in one of the most horrific and ghastly crimes encountered by law enforcement, the murder-suicide. The immensely gruesome nature of murder suicide is manifested by the act of an individual, typically a man, so desperate that he is compelled to take the life of his family and himself.

The Violence Policy Center (VPC) is one of the few organizations that has attempted to collect information on the epidemic of murder-suicide in the United States.¹ According to the VPC there were 313 murder-suicide events during a six month window in 2011 resulting in 691 deaths. This amounts to a disturbing rate of almost 2 murder-suicide events committed every day in the United States. Of the 313 events, 283 (90%) were committed by a man. Most murder suicides occur as a result of the breakdown in a relationship between a man and his spouse or girlfriend. 84% of murder-suicide incidents studied occurred within the home. According to the scant data that are available² the murder-suicide rate has been approximately constant from 1980-2004 at approximately 300 events per year. The current rate reported by the VPC is twice that estimated between 1980 and 2004. While it appears the rate of murder-suicide is rising, a sustained effort at studying the problem is required to better understand the statistics.

This book is not about murder-suicide! On the contrary, these alarming statistics are put on page one so that every man reading this book is sensitized to the fact that an interpersonal relationship with a woman that originates with tenderness and love can end with emotions of extreme hostility, anger, resentment, and desperation. While such emotions rarely result in violence, it is instructive to examine such extreme cases and reflect on how men can be driven to engage in such desperate and horrific acts. In the case of murder-suicide, the perpetrator usually does not have a criminal background. Therefore, the argument that such acts are only committed by men pre-disposed to violent criminal behavior must be rejected. In fact, murder-suicide is typically committed as a result of estrangement or pending estrangement with an intimate partner.³ Seemingly ordinary citizens tend to be involved in murder-suicide events.

A shallow explanation for man-to-woman violence is the assumption that women are the guardians of goodness and grace, while males are simple creatures that perpetuate evil. As explained by political columnist, Carey Roberts, this assumption has insidiously worked its way into the fabric of American culture.³ Generations of males have been raised under a feminist cloud with overtures of women are good, men are bad perilously planted in their psyche. It is apparent that American adolescents are conditioned through mass media, pop culture, and public education to subconsciously believe the assertion that women are good and men are bad. The perilous result of this societal brainwashing is that many males are ill equipped to deal with the true and complex nature of who they are versus the false assertions they have come to believe. Such a fundamental raging internal psychological battle faced by millions of males is a recipe for mass neuroses.

Indeed, the psychology community studying murder-suicide have found that a common trait among men at risk for murder-suicide is depression. Thank you Captain Obvious! Where is the solution to the problem? While there is not a simple solution for the complex problem of murder-suicide, the feeding generations of male Americans psychotropic antidepressant drugs is not the solution to mental health improvement in the American male population. Instead, American males must explore the true fabric of their nature and learn to understand the nature of their female companions. Males must learn to take control of their interpersonal relationships and not allow themselves to be pushed into corners of quiet desperation.

Now that I have your attention, let’s understand that murder-suicide is a rare occurrence, and only represents the most extreme case of men acting on emotions of extreme hostility, anger, resentment, and desperation. However, the emotions themselves are commonplace among men engaging with women in interpersonal relationships. Where do such intense emotions come from and how can they be minimized or eliminated? The aim of this book is to help men erase the implant in their brain that places women on a heavenly altar and men in a tar pit below. It aims to help men understand their own true nature as well as some basic insight into the nature of women. This book will provide men a firm foundation to take control of and master their relationships with women.

When a man is able to identify the right female companion for whom he has great enthusiasm and passion, he has the potential to forge a wonderful love filled relationship that brings years of happiness, fun, romance and deep seeded friendship. Being able to identify and approach your dream girl, gauge your compatibility with her, and grow a relationship that brings mutual fulfillment to both you and her can come naturally as you learn to master your relationships.

It is commonplace for men to complain that they do not understand women. Most men have expressed this sentiment at one time or another. When men express such a sentiment it is a manifestation of the confusion they experience when linking their assumptions about women compared with the behavioral attributes they observe in women when engaged in interpersonal relationships. Women conveniently use this confusion and perpetuate the myth that women are very complex and intricate while men are very shallow and simple. Such a societal myth allows women to act without accountability. When acting in a manner that is hurtful, harmful, manipulative, or inconsiderate to their male companion, they can always use the women are complex and intricate myth for cover. From a woman’s point of view, why not?

In reality, the holistic makeup of human behavior in both men and women is complex. There is a complex dynamic interchange between conscious and subconscious thought that drives behavior. In spite of these complexities, both men and women are driven by powerful primordial instincts that have evolutionary roots which have been under development for thousands of years. These primordial instincts are powerful drivers for behavior in both men and women. Because men and women are equipped with different attributes for survival, the primordial behavioral drivers are different. If men can get one thing out of this book it is to understand that the primordial behavioral drivers for women are different from those of men. Understanding these drivers is the key to being able to predict, or at least understand, how women will react or behave under different circumstances. Knowledge is power.

This book will introduce the Thirteen Steps to help you master your interpersonal relationships with women. This book is designed for young men in the dating phase of life to experiment with the Thirteen Steps and use them as a means to better understand women and how they will react or behave under a variety of circumstances. Men will learn to gain control over their relationships by understanding how women will react to different impulses. In addition, men will learn the virtues of being a man and how to take accountability their own actions. Only through practice can men gain confidence in managing their relationships. As young men navigate the dating landscape, they will inevitably encounter many different women. The Thirteen Steps will help you take control of your relationships and make the best with whomever you are dating. Men cannot learn to fully trust until they appreciate the nature of women and gain an understanding and expectation of their behavioral characteristics. The Thirteen Steps are intended to give men that understanding, and when you meet your dream girl you will have the confidence and knowledge to develop a long lasting and loving relationship with her. The Thirteen Steps are not intended to be used as a vehicle for manipulation. Long term relationships can only be established on a solid foundation of love and trust.

Young men who enter into dating need to know that among many wonderful young ladies, there are many that aim to set traps and use men for personal gain or convenience. Such behavior is ugly and banal and is not to be ignored or glossed over. Many women who engage in such behavior do not typically consider their actions to be objectionable because society has taught them that women are good and men are bad. The Thirteen Steps will help men to recognize such women and how to identify and avoid traps. This work is aimed at helping men to understand their own true nature and gain a solid appreciation of who they are and embrace their differences from women. As men implement and experiment with the Thirteen Steps in their relationships over a number of years, they will grow their self-confidence and learn how to identify a potential long term partner who can satisfy their needs. Until a man gains self-confidence in dealing with women, he is not ready for a lifelong partner.

Another category of men who can benefit from the Thirteen Steps are recently separated or divorced men who are looking to re-enter the dating scene. Such men are prime targets for women who seek to prey off of men. These groups of men are particularly vulnerable because they have recently experienced the trauma of a failed relationship with a woman. In many instances, the trauma involves a female partner who continually berates her male partner by verbalizing to him that he is inadequate, is a failure, is not a good man, cannot meet her needs, is inconsiderate, is lazy, is selfish, is a Neanderthal, etc… Just because a woman thinks such thoughts does not make them true. However, after living in a poisoned environment for a length of time, it is typical to lose confidence and subconsciously begin to believe the negative thoughts that float around such an environment. The problem is compounded by the fact that divorced or separated men quite often are well established and have significant assets for unscrupulous women to pursue.

One of the biggest mistakes that recently separated or divorced men make is to believe that they need to get into another committed relationship that will lead to marriage. The reason for this misconception is that these men have been in marriage for a period of time. They do not visualize themselves in anything but such a relationship. Furthermore, their self-confidence is usually broken, and a committed relationship provides an ego boost and a familiar setting that initially feels very soothing. Recently divorced or separated men should avoid jumping into another committed relationship until they have extensively dated and learn to understand what kind of woman they need and how to identify that woman. The Thirteen Steps will help men repair their egos, regain self-confidence, and learn to discriminate between women who are genuine and those who make a habit of using men. Again, it is important to emphasize that the art of truly grasping the Thirteen Steps requires considerable practice—knowledge through practice. Men who engage in the Thirteen Steps will develop a self-awareness like they have never before experienced. As this self-awareness develops they may decide that marriage is not what they seek from new relationships. Or they may decide that marriage is precisely what they seek in a long term committed relationship. The point is that men need to know what they want and how to get it. With knowledge of the Thirteen Steps, men will be empowered to approach marriage with confidence to develop a loving and passionate relationship that brings with it health, happiness, and a life filled with love and companionship.

Breaking the Myth that Women are the Guardians of Good and Grace

Make no mistake about it, women are no more the guardians of good and grace than are men! Let’s start with some observations of Carey Roberts³, Our society is reeling from stories of sexually-assertive school teachers who prey on their male students. We find it incomprehensible that teenage girls would form into gangs and lurk in the alleyways. And research now shows that female-initiated partner violence is more common than the male variety. In fact, a Montana woman has recently been in the national news for pushing her husband (of one week) off a cliff to his death because she had second thoughts about marrying him. While the feminist movement has been successful in gaining equality for women in society, it has failed to impart on them the responsibility that needs to accompany freedom. Feminists are so busy conjuring diatribes on male shortcomings, they have failed to be reflective on the degeneration of female behavior that has accompanied the equality they struggled to attain.

One of the most heinous tricks that women have learned over the past few decades is how to manipulate the court system for personal gain. Family courts since the 1970’s have been taken over by feminist activists that have established legal principles which give great deference to women and put men at a significant disadvantage when appearing in family court. The favoritism given to women in family court is blatant and ripe for abuse. Thus, women are incentivized to set traps for men using family court as a means for personal selfish gain. In the wonderful book, A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce, Alec Baldwin⁴ details the nightmare he faced in trying to seek custodial and visitation rights with his daughter. The experience faced by Mr. Baldwin was horrific, and he courageously provides vivid detail of the emotions he experienced going through the process. Notably, Mr. Baldwin describes how at one phase of his court battles he had feelings of utter despair and contemplated suicide. If a woman can drive a handsome, admired, and incredibly talented man such as Mr. Baldwin to thoughts of suicide, it can happen to any of us. Men should avoid female traps that will land them in family court. Avoid family court at all costs. If there are any men that are about to enter family court, I strongly suggest you read Mr. Baldwin’s book and understand what to expect procedurally and emotionally. You will need to be emotionally strong and understand that life gets much better after family court.

One of the favored traps set by unscrupulous women is the pregnancy trap. Do not fall into this trap! The pregnancy trap can play out in one of two ways. In the first scenario your female companion first convinces you how much she loves you and that she is the perfect person to take care of you. She will try to convince you that she is the guardian of good and grace. Remember all of your life you have been told that women are good and men are bad, so you have no reason not to believe her. Once she has you on board she will try to convince you to have unprotected sex. She will do this by saying, Sex without a condom is so much better and don’t worry I can always take a morning after pill. If she’s a really good actress, as many women are, she will tell you how awesome your manhood is and how only you can fulfill her sexual desires. If you hear anything remotely close to these lines a big red alarm should go off in your head.

If you follow through with her, the next thing you know she is pregnant, and you need to deal with family court for the next 18 years! If you are the father of a child outside of marriage, you have very few options in family court. You will be paying child support for almost two decades. It is well known that child support formulas used in family court have alimony built into them. In addition, the money you pay goes to the mother. She can choose to use it on her or the child. Many use the money for their own selfish needs. If you want a relationship with your child you will need to expend more resources to see that the child’s basic needs are taken care of. Men beware, there are many women who are convinced that they can be happier raising a child on their own, and they are enthusiastically looking for men to enable their selfish motives. Such a blatant act of misleading a companion and then using the court to siphon his income for two decades should be unconditionally denounced by a fair and just society. Instead, family court treats the woman as the victim and the man as a perpetrator of lust and irresponsibility. The pregnancy trap is all too common, and unfortunately men are reluctant to speak out because they are embarrassed that they got duped and feel stigmatized by society that perpetuates the myth that women are good and men are bad.

If you have any doubts as to whether there are a large percentage of women who consciously set the pregnancy trap, consider the statistics by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that reports that approximately 41% of births in the United States are to unwed mothers.⁵ This represents an increase of 80% since 1980. 60% of these births are to women between the ages of 20-29 years. Whether or not these unwed births are the result of a trap, young and middle-aged men lookout! Young women are getting pregnant outside of marriage, and the percentage that are doing so is growing!

The second way the pregnancy trap plays out is a bit more sophisticated. In this instance, when the woman gets pregnant she convinces her man that she is the perfect wife, even though he never contemplated marriage. Most probably, she has no intention of staying in marriage for the long term. She only wants to extract as much wealth out of the situation as she possibly can. So if she marries and then divorces, she will be after child support and half of the man’s assets, which can include his home. In states that have no-fault divorce this is what she can expect. The picture being painted here is quite ugly, and many are having a hard time believing that there are a