Vampire Husband and the American Justice

By Paru Shiva

This book is about a woman who had come to America from Kashmir India. She had no knowledge about American culture or American Justice System.
She was married in India and her husband brought her to America.
In America her husband started abusing her. Being culturally abound, she kept taking abuse on daily basis and kept lying about her bruises and cuts to those who were asking her questions about her injuries.
Abuse got worst to the extent that one day her husband tried to kill her. She gained her consciousness after couple of hours when her husband decided to dump her body in the park. Somehow in the morning she managed to escape with her two children.
She went to a woman's shelter where she lived for six months.
In the shelter they insisted that she had to go to the court to get restraining order for her safety. In that process, her children were taken by the court and were given to that abusive man from whom they had a narrow escape. She was forced to pay child support when she had not taken even a one cent from her home or from her husband after she left. Her two children were given to their father because she was going to school. Judge punished her and her two children for trying to establish their life. Her Children suffered the most because of the Justice System.

I wrote this book for two reasons

One reason is to tell my children especially my son that I am very sorry for taking my case to American Justice System because his father has kept him in fear. Even my son is adult now but his father is still treating my son like he was treating me and my son is kept in a lot of fear, stress and extreme tension. His father didn't let him complete his education. If he had encouraged my son to complete his education, then he wouldn't be able to control my son's life. That is tearing my heart every day.

And second reason is that I want to help a Battered Woman and their children by telling them my story. I was a very private person but that didn't help me. Every battered woman of this country should know that when a man hit his wife is not love. It is a danger sign figure out on time about safety zones for self and for children. My story will guide them to be strong enough to help their children.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: May 19, 2014
• ISBN: 9781490736761

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Copyright 2014 Paru Shiva.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

This is a very true story. The names of all characters are fictitious. If any name resembles to anyone, that is by coincidence.

ISBN: 978-1-4907-3678-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4907-3677-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4907-3676-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014909105

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

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and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Trafford rev. 05/15/2014

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CONTENTS

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

CHAPTER ONE

It was October 5, 2007. I was waiting for court hearing. I was sitting outside the courtroom of Judge Maure. The court liaison told me to wait outside till my name will be called in. The court was full of people. While waiting outside the courtroom, my heart rate started getting faster and faster when I saw Sam standing just in front of me. I started feeling my heart was going to come out of my mouth. My legs started trembling, and the energy of my legs dropped. I felt like I was going to pass out there on the floor.

I looked around to ignore Sam. Sam started pacing in the hallway; he started going to and fro. His intentions were to approach me, but I fixed my eyes on the floor as if I didn’t see him so that he would not try to come and talk to me. Sam kept going up and down the hallway. He was talking to someone on phone. I asked the court liaison if I could sit in the back of the courtroom. Almost every time when I would go to the court, the court liaison would let me sit in the back row inside the courtroom till my name was called in; but today he told me there was some confidential court meeting going on, so he was sorry he couldn’t let me come inside the courtroom before that meeting was over. I was desperate to sit outside the courtroom because there was no other choice.

Sam kept coming in front of me to talk to me. I started feeling very anxious, nervous, and panic. Sam was yelling at someone on the phone. I closed my eyes and ears. I wanted to avoid being nervous. With nervousness, I was getting fast heart palpitation, my jaw was dropping, and I was trembling from top to toe. To avoid any contact with Sam, I closed my eyes while sitting on the bench outside Judge Maure’s courtroom.

I never liked court, but I had no choice. Being a mother of two beautiful children, I override my fears and feelings and program my heart to behave well. I kept struggling with court anxiety while waiting outside Judge Maure’s courtroom. My mind went back in time when I arrived and landed on the airport for the first time in my life.

My life story started on August 28, 1985, Wednesday, when the plane was about to land on the airport for the first time. I left everyone—my beloved mother, my child, Mini, whom I had adopted as my beloved daughter, and everyone whom I loved the most—just for Sam. Who knows what the future is holding? Who knows what is written in our luck? But one thing is true—that destiny is fixed; it gives us direction on its own terms. Destiny is more powerful than anything else. Destiny is real; I never believed in these things before, but now I do believe in destiny.

In the plane, there was an announcement. Aircraft from New Delhi reaching Los Angeles, we will be landing shortly at the airport. Temperature outside is thirty degrees Celsius. I started getting heart palpitation faster and faster. I was very happy and very nervous at the same time. The plane landed at the runway. I picked up my bag and pocketbook. I took the small mirror out of my pocketbook, fixed my hair, and put lipstick on my lips.

I was wearing a pink Banarasi saree and had long golden dusty hair, eyes bright and brown, and smiley cheeks; I was nervous. I came out of the plane and kept going toward the immigration check in. While going down the stairs, I fell on the stairs, but I got up very quickly. Everyone came to ask me if I was OK. I felt embarrassed and kept walking. I picked up my luggage, went through immigration, and checked and went outside, looking around and thinking where I am supposed to go. I had never traveled before in my life. This was my first long-distance travel.

In the meantime, Sam came from behind and hugged me. He handed a flower bouquet to me and said, Welcome to Los Angeles. Sam hugged me again. I was nervous, anxious, tense, happy, and shy. I was in love with Sam. To say in love is not enough; I should say I was madly in love with Sam.

Sam:   How was your flight, Paru darling? Oh, jaan, I missed you so much. Come give me a hug.

Paru:   (with very shy eyes downward) It was OK. The flight was no problem.

Sam:   Did you sleep in the plane?

Paru:   Yes, but most of the time, I was awake watching the view from the window—I liked that very much.

Sam:   Are these all your bags?

Paru:   Yes (facial expression was smiley).

Sam:   Come, let us go. I am glad that I reached on time.

Sam was very happy. He was wearing a nice black suit, blue shirt, and black and white tie. He took my bags on the trolley. Sam and I came out of the airport. Outside the airport door, there was a red cargo van waiting for us.

When the van driver saw us, he came out of the van. Sam introduced me to his driver.

Sam:   Paru, meet Francis. He is working for our company. Francis, she is my beloved wife. Meet my darling wife, Paru.

Francis forwarded his hand for a handshake. I gave him my hand, and we shook hands.

Francis:   Nice to meet you, madam.

Paru:   Same here.

Francis was from Haiti. His height was about five feet three. He was a very nice, good-looking, young black man.

Francis:   Oh, man, you have a very pretty wife.

Sam:   Don’t tell that in front of her, then she will think highly about herself.

Francis:   Come on, man, that is not true. If she is pretty, she is pretty. You should make her feel even prettier by appreciating her for everything.

Sam:   I know she is pretty—that is why I married her and brought her here.

Francis:   Your girls at the office are going to become very jealous after they see her.

Sam:   Why so?

Francis:   I know them. They are not pretty at all, but still they are thinking about you. Now when they see your wife and she is so pretty, they are going to create a problem in the office. Man, you have to be very careful, you don’t know them.

Sam:   Are you going to just talk or will you drive too?

Francis went and sat on the driver’s seat. Francis told Sam to fix the seat for me.

Sam:   Paru, you have to sit in the back of the van.

Sam gave me a stool to sit on. I sat on the stool behind the driver’s seat, and Sam went and sat on the front seat. He left the van door open. Francis was driving about one mile or so when I fell in the van. I don’t know if Sam forgot to close the door or he left it open deliberately because it was very hot. I got lucky I didn’t roll toward the door. I had a narrow escape. When I fell from the stool, I probably had said something. Sam turned his neck backward. He saw me on the floor. Sam told Francis to make an emergency stop. Francis stopped the van. Sam came out of the van to help me. Francis got very scared. He rebuked Sam for leaving the van door open.

Sam:   I left door open because I thought it was very hot inside the van. Francis, I am very sorry. Now I will make sure that the door is closed.

Sam lifted me up and told me to hold tight on to the driver’s seat so that I will not fall again. Sam closed the van door this time. Francis drove the van a few more miles and stopped at some store at the request of Sam. Sam gave Francis money to pick up something from the store. Francis came with a big bag and gave it to Sam. Sam opened the bag, took one bottle out of it, and gave it to me. Sam gave Francis one bottle and took one for himself. I took the bottle and started drinking because I was very trusty. Sam turned his neck backward and told me that it is not water, it is alcohol, and to drink slowly. It was beer. I had never seen or drunk any alcohol before, so it was very new to me.

While going to our hometown from Los Angeles airport, it got dark. I couldn’t see much, but I saw lights all over. I had come from India where we don’t have lights dazzling 24/7 like what I saw the first time in Los Angeles. I was enjoying every second of it. We reached home. Francis dropped us at the door, parked the van, and helped us take my bags upstairs. After helping us, he left because it was already very late.

Sincerely, Sam was very happy to see me in his home, and I was very happy to meet him too after a long separation of two years and two months since the marriage. When we reached home, the bedroom door was closed. Sam took me in his bedroom, opened the bedroom door, and presented me with one more bunch of flowers. It was the greatest honor to me from my beloved husband, Sam. I was not a greedy person; little simple things mean a lot to me. All I cared for was sincerity, honesty, and love.

Sam took me to the bathroom and showed me where the soap and shampoo were and asked me to get fresh. In the meantime, Sam went to the kitchen and started cooking chicken biryani. While Sam was cooking food, I came out of the bathroom. Sam told me to call his neighbor friend to invite her for dinner; her name was Ushma. I was very scared to call a stranger on the phone. But somehow I called her. Ushma came to our apartment to have dinner with us. In the meantime, Kathy and Neela, who were working for Sam in his different offices at Los Angeles, also came to our home to have dinner with us. We all had dinner together. After dinner we went to drop Kathy at her home; Neela came with us. I didn’t like Neela to come with us when we went to drop off Kathy, but I didn’t tell Sam anything.

After Sam dropped off Kathy to her home, we came back. We dropped Neela at her door then we came to our home. Neela was the roommate of neighbor Ushma, who lived in front of our building. We were very tired. We went straight to bed as soon as we came home. Sam had put rose petals all over the bed like a bedsheet. Everything was so beautiful. My wedding day was not so pleasant as this day because on my wedding day, Sam had gotten drunk; he threw up all night long as soon as he came in the bedroom, and I had to clean that.

Sam:   Everything in this bedroom is brand new. I just bought it today. This is for you. Are you happy here?

Paru:   Thanks. I need your love. The rest I don’t care much if we have new or old furniture—that is not a big deal for me. I left my luxury, my mom, and everyone behind just for you and for your love. I came here to be with you, rich or poor. It does not mean anything to me so far as we have love between us. If we have love between us, that is everything for me in this entire universe—the rest is secondary. Without each other’s love, life will become meaningless. I need your love till I am alive, Sam.

Sam:   (kissing me) Would you like to watch TV?

Paru:   If you want to watch TV, I will watch TV with you. I never got a chance in my life to sit, relax, and watch TV because back home I had a very busy life.

Sam:   I know that you were a very hardworking girl. I am very happy to have you as my wife. Promise me you will love me always?

Paru:   Why will I not love you? Do you know how I was feeling about our separation for these two-plus years while waiting for my green card?

Sam:   (hugging and kissing me) OK. TV tomorrow. Let us sleep today.

We went to bed. I felt so luxurious and happy. I enjoyed every bit of this day. In the morning, we got up a little late. I was new in this country. This was my first day in this country—new to the people, new to the people’s accent, new to the culture, and new to everything. I had no experience to do any airline bookings, and especially, I had not communicated with anyone yet in this country. Sam got out of his bed and dialed some number and told me to make a reservation to West Palm Beach. After dialing the number, Sam gave the phone to me. There was an operator on the other side of the phone.

Operator:   Hello, may I help you?

Sam told me to make two reservations to West Palm Beach. I had no clue what to do. I took the phone, and I started shaking. Smoke started coming out of my eyes and ears.

Paru:   Operator, I need two tickets to West Palm Beach.

Operator:   What are the dates of departure and arrival?

Paru:   (looking at Sam) You talk to her. I don’t understand what she is saying. I am getting very nervous. I don’t understand her. Please talk to her.

Sam took the phone from my hands and told the operator, My wife is a stupid lady. She is dumb. She can’t speak English, and hung up the phone on her. That was not enough. Sam took his slipper off his foot and hit my head with that slipper a couple of times. I got very sad, but I didn’t say anything to Sam. I was not aware of Sam’s life at all. It was an arranged marriage.

Sam didn’t have to go to anywhere; he just wanted to test me if I can make reservations or not. Sam rushed too much; maybe it was his way to express his excitement to be with his wife, who knows? I was not a travel agent, and I had no experience making reservations. Even if I were a travel agent, still it was going to take me some time to understand people’s accent. No one in their right mind could have done what Sam did to me the very first morning here in America.

I got very sad. I went to the bedroom and isolated myself in my room, thinking, What’s next? I really lost that extreme steam of happiness, and I felt as if I was dropped like a ball from the space on the ground. I felt spiritually and emotionally injured. I kept thinking, What am I supposed to do? This was my first day in this country. Very early in the morning, Sam started this kind of behavior with me, which is not normal. Now what am I supposed to do? How will I know what Sam wants from me? Sam’s behavior does not seem normal to me. What’s next? I kept thinking about my past time how I ended up getting married to Sam.

It was January 1, 1982, in Kashmir. I was washing clothes with my hands when my younger sister, Rani, came and sat by my side in anger.

Rani:   Paru, I understand that you don’t want to get married, but you should be considerate to others. If you will not get married, then how am I going to get married? I don’t want to live here with my brothers, as I don’t get along with them.

Paru:   I have not stopped you from getting married. Go tell your mother that you want to get married.

Rani:   You know better that is not going to happen.

Paru:   Rani, what do you want me to do to help you? Trust me, I will try my best to help you.

Rani:   Paru, get married. Then I will get a chance to get married too.

Paru:   OK, I will get married if that is the solution to your problem. I promise you I will be gone soon for good.

Rani:   That will be excellent. Only then I will get a chance to get married, otherwise, I have to sit here and get frustrated all my life. Sister, I am not so lucky—I don’t have the same status like you. You walk on the street, and you get treated like a queen. Unfortunately, I don’t even get along with my own blood brothers. I really want to get the hell out of this place as soon as possible. I want to stay away from my brothers to be happy. I don’t like them. They don’t treat me well. At present, I have to see them every day. I don’t know why, but I feel that my mother loves her sons more than she loves her daughters. My mother is very discriminative. She wants her sons more than her daughters.

Paru:   (looking quietly at her sister’s face) Your mother is my mother too. I don’t feel that she is treating her sons more special than she is treating us, but it is your perception—I don’t want to challenge that.

Rani:   No, you should not challenge that because you are everyone’s doll. You are a very silent human being. Everyone loves your peaceful nature. I am outspoken, and no one wants to listen to me. That makes me a bad person.

Rani and all of my three brothers had serious chemistry problem. They never got along with Rani. They always had some serious conflict with each other. I looked at Rani, and I felt in my heart that she was correct. I knew, due to Rani’s short temper, she was having a very difficult time in our family to get along with others even with her own brothers and sisters.

My family was a very loving and caring family. My dad and mom loved us very dearly. Sibling issues are very common everywhere, but Rani had a major problem with all siblings due to her self-centered personality. I always was feeling for others. This time I really felt for my younger sister, Rani, that she was right. She wanted me to get married so that her space would open up for marriage. In those days, our marriages take place in chronological order. Firstborn would get married first, and the last born would get married last.

I was so busy with my job, not only busy but happy too. I never felt like getting married. I had decided to live single and happy throughout my life. My elder sister had given birth to female twins. I decided to adopt one child from her twins and take care of her and live happily with my daughter. So I did that. I took one child from my sister and gave her a name, Mini. My sister’s other daughter’s name was Tini.

I was going to work. In my absence, my mother was taking care of Mini. I loved Mini so much she became my heartbeat. In the daytime, if she was crying at home, I would feel in my heart that Mini was crying no matter where I would be. I would cancel my appointments, and I would rush home. Mini also loved me very much. We got tightly bonded as mother and daughter without any problem. Mini was about one and a half years old at that time when Rani had this conversation with me.

My sister Rani’s conversation with me sincerely woke me up. I felt deep down in my heart that Rani was right. I kept thinking about what my younger sister told me. I decided then and there that I would get married just to open a slot for my younger sister so that she will have a chance to get married sooner. In Kashmir there was no freedom for girls before marriage to live on their own. Girls had to live at home with their parents and all other family members such as brothers and sisters till they get married.

I went to my mother to talk to her. She was cleaning the kitchen. I waited there. My mom looked at me and smiled. She asked me, Hi, Paru, what is on your mind? Why are you looking at me like this?

Paru:   Mom, I have good news for you.

She looked at me patiently and waited for the good news to hear from me. Mom, you wanted me to get married—I am ready to get married now. Go to the middleman and get a chart from him for any suitable guy, but remember there is one condition—I will get married, but you have to promise me that there will be no horoscope matching. The first guy’s chart the middleman will bring, if that man will accept me, I will accept him as my husband no matter what, how he may look like, even if he may have any physical disability. I still will marry him because I have no choice for my future husband.

Mom:   Do you know what you are saying? How is it possible not to match horoscope?

Paru:   Horoscope matching is old fashioned. Time has changed—we should change too.

I took this decision because I had no space in my heart to get married. I was loved and appreciated by Indians, as I had a job in a radio station. Our team was well known to the public. We were always making programs for the benefit of Indian families. That was the reason people loved me very dearly.

I was very happy. I never wanted to lose my happiness after marriage. Whenever I thought about my marriage, something dark would come in front of my vision; I would not see anything pleasant. I was seeing a very handsome man, alcoholic, drunk, cursing, and nothing. Every time my thoughts would go toward my future husband, I would see just darkness and nothing else. Before marriage I was already scared of marriage.

The day I told my Mom that I was ready for marriage was the same day the middleman had come with Sam’s horoscope and his family’s chart. In that chart, we get the guy’s name, his date of birth, who his father is, what he is doing, who his mother is, what family she has come from, and about brothers and sister and aunts and uncles. In that chart, the entire family tree with roots and all details of family branches are written, which the girl’s family get with the guy’s horoscope.

Sam’s chart was received by my mother during daytime while I was at work. It was the very first chart for me that was received the very same day I told my mother that I was ready for marriage. That same day, the middleman had come to see my family as usual looking for his business. My mother had told him that she was looking for a chart for her daughter. The guy must be good looking and well established in his life. The middleman had given my mother Sam’s chart.

At nighttime when I came home from work, my mother called me and told me that she had received a chart and wanted me to read that chart for her, as my mother was not able to read or write. This chart was with a photograph. When I looked at the photograph, I liked it. It was Sam’s photo. I asked my mother what he is doing. She told me, That might be written in the chart. Take it and read it. She gave the chart in my hand to read. I found his chart decent. I told my mother it seemed OK to me; if he will like me, I will have no problem marrying him. That was it; I just decided my destination after seeing Sam’s photo, with the promise that if he will like me, I will marry him.

Next day it was Sunday. The middleman came about 1:00 p.m. My mother had told me that the middleman was coming at about 1:00 p.m. and I should stay ready, as he was going to escort me to the temple in Kashmir to introduce me to Sam. I got up in the morning and got ready. When the middleman came to our home, I went with him to meet Sam. The middleman and I reached the temple. As soon as we entered the gate of the temple, at the same time, Sam came. Sam was with his two sisters and his younger brother.

The middleman introduced me to Sam. Sam looked at me, and I looked at him. I was wearing an Indian dress with Chunni. It was lemon colored. Sam was proportionately very tall for me. I was only five feet, and he was six feet two inches tall. But I had taken oath in my heart that the first guy who will come to see me, if he will like me, I will marry with him, and I will be his sincere wife for life. So I was waiting to see if Sam would like me or not.

Sam:   Will you mind going with me inside the temple to worship?

Paru:   That is OK with me. I will come with you.

Sam and I went inside the temple. I went with Sam, his brother, and two sisters in the temple to worship God. The middleman was Muslim, so he waited outside the gate. After we lit a butter lamp, we came out of the temple.

Sam:   Is it OK if I will take you out for a cup of coffee?

Paru:   Absolutely, that is OK with me.

Sam:   We will walk. We will go to a nearby hotel. We have to cross the bridge only.

We all went to the hotel. Sam ordered paneer pakoda, tea, and vegetable pakodas. We finished tea. I just wanted to go home. I looked at my watch.

Sam:   Do you have a date?

Paru:   Date?

I got angry in my heart. I wanted to get up and leave, but I was bound with my word that whosoever comes first, if he will like me, that man will be my husband. So I stopped myself without saying anything to Sam. I wanted to tell Sam, No, I don’t like you, but something stopped me inside by telling me, Stay quiet, Paru. I would say, in other words, destiny stopped me and zipped my mouth.

Sam:   You seem that you really want to go. You have been looking at your watch every five minutes. OK, let us go.

The middleman left on his own because he was living somewhere nearby. Sam, his siblings, and I took a cab.

Sam:   We will drop you off first. Do you have to go anywhere else or home?

Paru:   Home. Thank you.

We reached near my home. When I came out of the cab,

Sam:   May I see you tomorrow?

Paru:   Yes, but after work at 5:00 p.m. I will cancel my recording for the evening.

I went home, and Sam went with his siblings to his home in the same cab. My mom was waiting for me very eagerly on the porch.

Mom:   Come here, Paru, tell me about Sam. How is he?

Paru:   I do not really feeling like getting married, Mother, but as you all are insisting me to get married, he is OK. I have no choice. He is a man who looks good, is handsome, tall, and somewhat too talkative.

Mom:   I will send a message to your elder brother tomorrow. He will come, and he will find out about the whereabouts of Sam and of his family.

Paru:   Mom, do whatever you have to do. You don’t have to ask permission from me.

I was not happy in my heart, but the choice was made that I will get married.

Next day, when I left after work from my office, it was snowing. Sam was waiting outside my office door in a cab. As soon as I went down the stairs and went out of the office building, Sam yelled, Paru, I am here. I turned my neck and saw Sam waiting in the cab.

Sam:   Come. I am waiting for you here. How are you, Paru darling?

Paru:   How long you have been waiting here?

Sam:   Not long. I just arrived here.

Paru:   Where are we going?

Sam:   I will take you to some dancing place—you will love it.

Paru:   You want to go dancing? But I just want to go somewhere near.

Sam:   Where?

Paru:   Yesterday’s place.

Sam:   Hotel?

Paru:   Yes.

Sam:   OK, we will go to the hotel. Probably you like the paneer pakoda.

Paru:   I am not hungry. I would like to have a cup of tea.

Sam:   (smiling and looking at me in a very sweet way) Paru, not only tea—without pakoda, tea has no meaning.

Probably Sam wanted to give me a hug but resisted because of cultural difference. Sam had come from America, and I was living in Kashmir. Sam and I went to the hotel where we spent half an hour chatting.

Paru:   It is snowing. I don’t want to get stuck here. We should leave now.

Sam:   I will drop you home soon, don’t worry. Just relax. Enjoy the snowfall, and this is a beautiful view.

In a few minutes, Sam got up and told me, Let us go. Sam took a cab and dropped me home.

At home my mom told me that my brother was coming tomorrow; he had received the message. I went straight to my room. I changed my clothes, took Sam’s photo in my hand, and looked at him. I was thinking what kind of husband he can be. I felt deep down in my heart that Sam had too much false pride. I felt that he was excessively pretending to be something he was not. I felt it all—what he was deep down in his heart and under his skin—but I ignored my feelings. I knew something was not right with Sam, but in the meantime, I was thinking I am so peaceful. Even if he may be a little crazy, I will never give him a chance to display his craziness on me.

Next day I was at work. Sam had not told me that he would come see me. When I came out of my office, I saw Sam waiting for me in a cab. As soon he saw me coming out of the office building, he came out of the cab.

Sam:   Hi, Paru, how are you?

Paru:   Hi, what are you doing here?

Sam:   I came to see you. Let us go to Capri dancing.

Paru:   You didn’t tell me yesterday that we were going out. I didn’t tell my mom. If I will get home late, she will be worried. I don’t like my mother to worry about me for something that is not necessary.

Sam:   We will not spend too much time there. Let me have something to eat.

Paru:   OK, I will come just for an hour or so.

Sam:   OK. Do you have to go to Radio station today?

Paru:   No, in the show, I am sick and am admitted in the hospital. I will stay there for a few more days, so I don’t have to go anywhere at this time.

Sam laughed.

Paru:   No, serious. My director and producer know that I am in between something, so they gave me a few days off to know you.

Sam:   Let us go inside the cab. It is very cold here. Do you go to Radio station every day for recording?

Paru:   Yes, I love it. People love me. I never found this much love in my life—even in my home—as much love I got from our people here.

Sam:   (seeming like getting angry; I felt it) OK, let us talk about something else.

Paru:   What happened to you? You seem to be getting very anxious and tense. Is everything OK with you? It seems that you are sweating.

Sam:   I am fine. I feel in my heart that someone is going to take you away from me. I feel it. I don’t know why, but I feel this way.

Paru:   Why do you feel so? We don’t know each other yet. I am not sure what our future is holding. Why are you getting so anxious? This is not good.

Sam:   Look around, everyone is looking at you.

Paru:   You came from America to marry me. You are a stranger here, but they are my own people. They know me and love me. They are not looking at me to harm me. I work here in this area. These people know who I am.

Sam:   I am a very jealous-minded man. If I see anyone trying to take you away from me, I will kill him.

Paru:   Wow, that is a very serious issue. You will go to jail for killing someone (I was laughing loud).

Sam:   To keep you with me, even if I have to go to jail, that is OK with me.

Paru:   (laughing loud) I can’t believe that you are so crazy.

Sam:   Yes. I am not that much crazy, but I am a very jealous man.

Paru:   Stay jealous and keep going. Tell him (pointing toward the taxi driver) where we are going.

Sam:   Taxi driver, sorry, please take us to Capri dancing place.

Sam and I went to Capri dancing place. Sam started drinking. He ordered food, we ate, but I was not happy because I had not taken permission from my mother. I had to beg Sam to drop me home. Finally, he got up and dropped me home. It was about 9:00 p.m.; it was too late for me to go home without permission. I was going home very late always because I had two jobs. I was doing my morning job then I was going to Radio station, but my mom knew my schedule. This day I was so nervous to enter the door of my home this late because I had not taken permission in the morning from my mother. As soon as I reached my home, my elder brother Raja called me from the second floor. He was waiting for me. He yelled from his room,

Raja:   Paru, is that you?

Paru:   Yes.

Raja:   Please come upstairs. (Raja was looking at me very strangely.) Where were you?

Paru:   I went with Sam. He came to my work. He picked me up from there. We went to Capri dancing. We ate dinner, and he dropped me back.

Raja:   Have a seat (in anger).

Paru:   (standing at the door) I am fine here. I have to go. I am tired.

Raja:   I don’t want you to meet Sam anymore.

Paru:   Why?

Raja:   I came here today at about 11:00 a.m. I went to Sam’s relatives, neighbors, friends, uncles, and aunts to find about his whereabouts. Everyone told me one thing—that Sam is psychotic. His father was an alcoholic. Sam’s father was abusing his wife, and Sam has learned the same behavior. Sam is abusing his mother and his siblings. Sam gets angry and violent without any reason then he starts beating everyone who is in front of him. Do not meet him from today onward. It is over. He is not going to be your husband.

Paru:   I don’t believe in what others say. Sam may have issues, but beating others and being psychotic, I don’t think that is true. Sam is a very handsome man, I like him. I want to be with him.

Raja:   I am telling you do not see Sam again. This conversation is over.

Paru:   OK, I will do so only on one condition—no one here will harass me and force me for marriage. If you want me to get married, get me married to Sam or leave me alone for the rest of my life. Then let me live peacefully on my own. I won’t bother anyone and would not like anyone to bother me. Then no one should tell me again to get married. I have no choice, this is it. No more drama. No more game playing with me. Close the chapter of my marriage here only or get me married to Sam. That is my final answer.

This argument went on and on for hours. I left Raja’s room with my final words, I will see Sam and I will get married to him, or I will never get married, case closed.

I went in my room. I closed my door, and I cried. While crying, my thoughts went too far from this day. It was the time when my dad was alive. One day, my dad got very sick; he got a heart attack. My family took him to the hospital emergency. He was admitted in the hospital. Next day I went to visit my dad in the hospital.

Dr. Bali was checking on my dad. Dr. Bali, after examining my dad, turned around and saw me. He looked at me and introduced himself to me by saying, Hi, I am Dr. Bupender. I am your dad’s doctor. I will be taking care of him. So far he is in this ward. He forwarded his hand for a handshake, and I forwarded my hand too. We shook hands with each other. Dr. Bali looked at me from top to toe with a sweet smile. At that very minute, Dr. Bali had fallen in love with me. It was love at first sight. He was, in those days, a house doctor who had lost his heart on the spot, and unfortunately, I was the thief. I had stolen his heart. Sincerely I was not aware of it.

Next day I went to see my dad in the hospital. I spent a few hours with my dad. My dad loved Dr. Bali so much because Dr. Bali was taking extremely good care of him. My dad spoke to me about Dr. Bali for the entire visit, how good Dr. Bali was, how much he was caring about him. I was leaving my dad’s ward number three and was going toward the stairs. Dr. Bali came from somewhere and met me outside my dad’s ward near the stairs.

Dr. Bali:   Hi, Paru, how are you? I saw your dad. He is getting better. I am taking good care of him.

Paru:   I am fine. How are you? Daddy has become your devotee. I spent about four hours with him. Throughout the visit, he kept talking about you. My dad really loves you. He is calling you his son. Thanks for taking such good care of my dad. My dad is my soul. I love my dad very much. He is my best friend in this universe. Please take good care of him.

Dr. Bali gave me a piece of paper in my hand with a smile and left.

I went down the stairs and went out of the building. It was a very big hospital in Kashmir. After I came out of the hospital premises, I opened the piece of paper that Dr. Bali had given to me while I was walking toward my home. It was a note from Dr. Bali. I love you. Just three words, nothing else. I couldn’t believe that it was written on the piece of paper. I kept walking, opening this piece of paper, reading it again and again, and closing it. I decided to walk home because the hospital was just a few miles away from home.

Walking was no problem in summer. Our bus stop was more than one mile away from home. Walking was a very normal part of life. Till I reached home, I read this piece of paper about fifty times. My blood started boiling just like boiling water inside my body. Steam started coming out of my ears, eyes, and from my face. My cheeks turned red as if I was suffering from high fever.

As soon as I reached home, my mom looked at my face with a strange look, and she squeezed her forehead and eyebrows. Then she asked me, Paru, why are your cheeks so red? Is your Dad OK?

I looked at my mother and said, Dad is in good hands. Some Dr. Bali is taking very good care of him. Dad is perfectly OK. Don’t worry about Dad, Dad will be coming home soon.

I got very busy for a couple of days; I had school exams. I couldn’t go to visit my dad. I totally had forgotten about Dr. Bali. I had burned Dr. Bali’s note out of fear that someone might see it in my home. I went again to visit my dad in the hospital after a few days. Dr. Bali somehow had seen me. He came at the same time to check on my dad.

Dr. Bali:   Hi, Paru, how are you? Long time, no see.

I just shook my head, nodding fine. I was very shy in front of my dad to talk to Dr. Bali, as I was aware now that not only was Dr. Bali Dad’s physician, but he was interested in me too. When I left the ward after visiting my dad, Dr. Bali was again waiting outside somewhere, and he gave me again one piece of folded paper in my hand with a smile on his face. I left the hospital building then I opened this piece of paper. It was a love letter in detail. Dr. Bali had expressed his feelings, how he was feeling toward me.

In my heart, I fell for Dr. Bali too. Dr. Bali was a very handsome, very loving and caring, and very vibrant young man, outstanding in his profession. Dr. Bali was a man of any girl’s dreams. But the problem was he was Sikh by religion, and I was Pandit by religion. I was scared; if I tell my dad about Dr. Bali, my dad may not accept Dr. Bali for being Sikh, and Dad may insult me in return. I was brought up with a lot of love and care. I had no space in my heart for rejection or for insult/abuse. I kept this secret to myself and decided not to come to the hospital to visit my dad to avoid Dr. Bali even if I now had feelings for Dr. Bali too. For me my family’s honor was very important.

Dr. Bali had lost his heart sincerely. There is a saying, in love and war, everything is genuine. Dr. Bali had not seen me for a few days; he had become perturbed. Dr. Bali had given a letter in my younger brother Asho’s hands to give to me. Asho came home and gave me the letter from Dr. Bali without any judgment or any question. Next day Dr. Bali had given a letter to my elder sister, Didhi, to give to me. Didhi also gave me Dr. Bali’s letter without calling me names. On the third day, he had given a letter to my younger sister, Rani, to give to me.

Rani was like a terrorist in our family. She was always waiting for something to happen to pick on, but this was the biggest thing for her to deliver a secret letter from a doctor to her elder sister. She gave me the letter, but in the meantime, she disclosed this secret to the family. Rani kept telling everyone in the family that Dr. Bali loves Paru—that is why she is going to see Dad. She does not love Dad—she goes to see that doctor. She kept saying rubbish about me and Dr. Bali.

My dad was still in the hospital. I went to the hospital, this time particularly to see Dr. Bali. I went to see my dad. I knew Dr. Bali will be somewhere around there. When I leave, he definitely will come see me. When visitation time was over, I left the hospital building. Dr. Bali came running after me.

Dr. Bali:   Paru, did you receive my messages?

Paru:   What, your letters?

Dr. Bali:   Yes. I sent one with your brother and two letters with your two sisters.

Paru:   Bupi, you have made a big mistake by giving your letter in the hands of Rani.

Dr. Bali:   Why so? There was nothing wrong in any letter.

Paru:   I know that. But Rani is always looking for something to pick on. Now she got a topic to call me names.

Dr. Bali:   I am sorry, very sorry. But I couldn’t control my feelings. All I wanted was to see you. I was missing you very badly.

Paru:   I know you. I know that you sincerely mean it.

Now I was in the middle; I fell in love with Dr. Bali too. I started writing letters to him and started giving those letters in the hands of Dr. Shafaat; Shafaat was a very close friend of Dr. Bali and was Dr. Bali’s junior. I would see Dr. Shafaat in the hospital emergency. I would give him a letter for Dr. Bali, and I would leave the hospital at the same time.

I felt torn between my family and Dr. Bali. I thought it was not possible that my family will accept Dr. Bali as their son-in-law. I would feel pain in my chest when I would think to separate my heart from Dr. Bali. In the meantime, I was deeply falling in love with Dr. Bali too. It was just letters exchange. We never got a chance to sit and chat with each other. In Kashmir falling in love for a girl was not accepted in those days. Girls had no freedom of speech or freedom to express their feelings.

My dad was the best dad in this whole wide world. He had told us, If you ever fall in love with someone, you should let me know. I will decide if he is good for you or not. I didn’t tell my dad because Dr. Bali was Sikh. He was wearing turban. I was so afraid to tell my dad about Dr. Bali because of rejection. If my dad will not like Dr. Bali, then probably my dad may look down upon me. To tell my dad about Dr. Bali would be the best thing to do, but my dad loved me so much, and I was his favorite daughter out of three daughters. I never wanted to lose that spot in my dad’s heart.

I involved my elder sister, Didhi, and told her that Dr. Bali was in love with me. I asked her what I should do. She said, Paru, you know your conservative parents. I don’t think they will accept Dr. Bali as their son-in-law because he is Sikh, but I will talk to Dr. Bali. My elder sister told me that she will go meet Dr. Bali and will invite him to come to the university where we can meet him, and we will discuss this love story there. My sister went to see Dr. Bali. She invited him to come to the university. In those days, she was completing her master’s there.

Dr. Bali came on his bike to the university. We met with each other. We sat under a tree. We never got a chance to sit together before and talk to each other freely. It was our first day to sit side by side and talk to each other. So far we were exchanging letters only. Dr. Bali was a handsome man; I kept looking at his face. Dr. Bali asked me, Paru, what are you looking at? I told him that his beauty has stolen my heart, but how can we be together?—that is what I was thinking about. Dr. Bali told me that he was going to come see my dad directly and was going to ask him for his favorite daughter’s hand. We kept talking about ifs and buts.

I told Dr. Bali, If Dad will reject you, then what?

Dr. Bali told me, No, your dad loves me very much.

I told him, Yes, he loves you as his loving and caring doctor. Is he going to love you and accept you as his son-in-law too? If not, then what will happen? I told Dr. Bali, I will call you from today onward as Bupi.

He told me, Paru, in my family, my nickname is Bupi. We laughed together. We enjoyed every second of this meeting. That was the best and happiest day in my life.

My sister had to go to her class. We waited for her under the tree till she finished her class, and she came back to see us. My sister spoke to Dr. Bali. She told him that she was afraid because this relationship would not be acceptable to our parents, as he was a Sikh boy. My sister told Bupi that she had a lot of love and respect for him, but she was afraid that you both will get hurt in love, so move on. Dr. Bali told my sister that he was going to meet our dad and was going to ask him directly for my hand. My sister’s concerns were the same as mine. As Bupi was Sikh, it will be a problem for our family to accept him as their son-in-law.

My sister took us to the cafeteria; she ordered some food for all of us. Then she told Dr. Bali that it seems very difficult to motivate our parents because of our religion and cultural difference. After long hours of discussion, we couldn’t reach any decision. When Dr. Bali left, he gave me a piece of folded paper in my hand. My sister and I went home. I was very sad, thinking what will happen. My sister told me, It is just the start and you become so sad and depressed. What will happen when you have to face the challenges of real life for Dr. Bali?

I reached home and opened the letter; it brought tears in my eyes. Dr. Bali had put his feelings down on that piece of paper, how he was feeling without me. I knew in the bottom of my heart that every word Dr. Bali had written in that letter was true. It was not any joke or lie. I was equally feeling helpless and sad for him because I was not going to fight with my parents for Dr. Bali; the reason for that was I never liked to fight with anyone.

I was the quietest child in my family. Whenever there was a problem with us (siblings), and it may be anyone’s fault, I would take fault on me. I knew my mom and dad will never ever hit me, but they might hit my younger siblings. My dad always knew that I was taking fault on me to save my brothers and sisters from my dad or mom’s punishment. My dad loved me so much for my good behavior and warmest nature.

Time kept passing. My anxieties kept growing bigger and bigger because I was thinking of what to do. I was not going to meet Dr. Bali, which was making me sad. If I was going to see him, that was making me scared. I was feeling that I was cutting into two pieces. One day my younger sister called me paramour of Dr. Bali when we had no relationship with each other. We had seen each other just once with the help of Didhi. We were just sending letters to each other. My mother heard what my younger sister called me. She came out of kitchen and called my sister. My mom asked my younger sister, Rani, why she called me such a horrible word.

My sister told her that Dr. Bali is sending your favorite daughter letters. My mom called me and asked me what was happening. I told her, If someone sends a letter to me in my sister’s hand, that is not my fault. Anyone can do so. What I am supposed to do if someone has fallen in love with me? I didn’t tell my mother that I am dying in my heart for Dr. Bali too. That was the biggest mistake I have made in my entire life. I wish I had told my dad directly about Dr. Bali without any fear. This is piercing in my heart and will keep on piercing me till I am alive.

Today I wouldn’t be so sad, alone, depressed, and isolated. I wouldn’t be thinking about my past. Then I would be living in the present and would be very happy. I was sometimes going to see Dr. Bali outside his hospital. He would come outside the hospital gate, and I would cross that gate without even saying hi to him; but somehow, we would manage to give letters in each other’s hand. That was real-life drama and true love. No communication, no eye contact, no wishing each other hi or bye, just changing letters. My heart was falling apart for Bupi. I was not able to deal with separation from Dr. Bali.

One day I went to see Dr. Bali in the hospital emergency. I asked him what he can do for me. He told me that he can do anything for me. I asked him if he can take an oath by keeping his right hand on my head. He kept his right hand on my head and told me, Whatever you will say, I will do that for you. I asked him to go to London for further studies. He asked me if I will wait for him for marriage. I told him my parents will never accept this relationship, so after studies, he should settle down there in London. Dr. Bali asked me again, Are you seriously asking me to do this?

I put my hand on his head and told him, Yes.

Like a baby, tears came out of Dr. Bali’s eyes. He gave me a hug for the first time. I was feeling devastated, and he was in tears too. I left the hospital. A few months later, my dad got sick again. He was taken to the hospital. My dad kept asking for Dr. Bali. Dr. Bali’s friend, Dr. Shafaat, met my dad. My dad asked Dr. Shafaat about where Dr. Bali was. Dr. Shafaat told my dad that Dr. Bali had gone to London. I went out of the ward because I got very sad.

Dr. Shafaat gave me some letters, those letters he had received from London from Dr. Bali to give to me. My dad cried and said, I wish Dr. Bali was my son-in-law. I felt heartbroken. I felt devastated after my dad said that I wish Dr. Bali was my son-in-law. I had no guts to tell my dad, Please bring him back. He does love your daughter and wants to marry her. I thought if I tell my dad about Dr. Bali now, he may not like that; he may feel that I was dishonest because I kept a secret from my dad. I kept hurting myself on and on by keeping things in my heart.

My dad was very proud of me. I was his secret pocket. He had too much faith in me. I was his hidden bank. People save their money in the bank, but my dad was saving his extra cash with me, and no one knew about it. My dad had that much faith in me. To preserve that faith and respect, I sacrificed by heartbeats forever. If I had told my dad that Dr. Bali loves me, he would have brought him back from London. My dad would have done that, but I was too scared to tell my dad about Dr. Bali. All I had to do was tell my dad, and he would have sent Dr. Bali a message to come see me; Dr. Bali was going to come back in the next day’s flight. It was my bad luck; I couldn’t change it.

Years have passed by now, but I still cry for Dr. Bali when I remember him. I miss him every day in my life. That was the day I lost my feeling about having a partner in my life, the day my father told me, I wish Bupender was my son-in-law. I felt as if my heart was removed from my body forever. I deeply felt that I chopped my happiness of my life with my own hands. That day was the saddest day of my life when my dad told me that I wish Dr. Bali was my son-in-law. I did this to myself. Due to the fear of my dad, I didn’t tell my father directly about Dr. Bali on time when it started. This is the power of destiny.

My dad got discharged from the hospital in a few days, but he was so sad for Dr. Bali. My beloved dad, my best friend and my spiritual master, died a few months later. I became suicidal. I thought my world ended with my dad’s death. When my dad was taken out of his home, I wanted to kill myself by jumping in the river at the same time. On the riverbank, I sat alone and kept thinking about my mom—that my mother just lost her wonderful husband. She was devastated. By jumping in the river, I was not going to do any good to my mother because she loved me very much. How will she feel if I will kill myself? Can she handle this grief? I thought about it for hours. My mother’s unconditional love brought me back home. I went home and decided I have to live with this pain for my mother.

Next morning I got up and couldn’t find myself tolerating the separation from my dad. Again I went back to the river to go and