Relationship Survival Skills: A Guide to Creating Mutually Satisfying Personal Connections

By Frank Losik

This book is a step-by-step guide presented in a bite-sized format. It is designed to appeal to the palates of mature adults who have had or who are now experiencing problems in their social, business, or intimate relationships.

The book is divided into five sections. Myths That Maim is a postcard-like series of sayings that cautions us about the hidden pitfalls of a mindless, bumper-sticker approach to life. Relationship Survival Kit is a humorously presented set of dos and don'ts for couples in committed relationships. Mutual Support outlines the skills needed to nurture long-term meaningful relationships. We Need to Talk! teaches specific essential communications skills. And finally, Type Game helps the reader to identify their own Jungian/Myers-Briggs-based Personality Type.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jul 31, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504916653

Frank Losik

Frank Losik has been a licensed marriage and family therapist since 1986. He is an experienced problem solver who specializes in working with clients who are temporarily overwhelmed by some sort of life crisis. He has worked with a wide variety of clients in many different settings. He began his study of counseling and psychology while working through his own personal crises of divorce, career change, custodial and noncustodial parenting, and remarriage. He strives to achieve two goals with his clients: the first is to relieve their current pain and suffering, and the second is to empower them to develop the skills to resolve future problems on their own.

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© 2015 by Frank Losik. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse   08/27/2015

ISBN: 978-1-5049-1634-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5049-1665-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015909220

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Myths That Maim

Relationship Survival Kit

Mutual Support

We Need To Talk!

Type Game

Dedicated to

Linda

&

Marianne

Desiderata

GO placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their stories.

AVOID loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as you plans.

KEEP interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many people strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

BE yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

TAKE kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

YOU are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

THEREFORE, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

WITH all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy!

— Anonymous —

Found in a 17th century

New England Church

On Being Happy!

The fault is not in our stars, But in ourselves.

— Shakespeare, JULIUS CAESAR --

"He only earns his freedom and existence,

Who daily conquers them anew."

— Goethe, FAUST --

Myths

That

Maim

Introduction

We are all influenced, either consciously or unconsciously, by a number of common myths about marriage and other love relationships that abound in our society.

Myths are culture-based beliefs, passed down as the wisdom of the ages, as well as powerful messages that come to us in the form of fairy tales, movies, songs, and television programs.

The messages are fed to us, for the most part, in a pleasant and appealing manner. They entertain and soothe us or simply amuse us. But, they also set us up for disaster in our real lives! Myths rob us of our hopes and dreams by giving us false treasure maps to follow.

One of your most important tasks, as you mature, is to take a good look at your expectations and behaviors to see how strongly you may have internalized any of these dangerous myths.

Take a moment to review the myths on the following pages. Do you seem to be drawn to any of them? Do you at times act as though you believed them? Remember, it’s not what you say, it’s what you do. Actions speak louder than words!

Once you have uncovered any harmful tendencies, you can take whatever action is needed to replace them with a more healthy set of expectations and behaviors. It is worth your effort. Your happiness depends on it!

Myth #1

"The princess married the prince,

and they lived happily

ever after!"

Why a problem?

The "Find the Perfect Mate Myth" is dangerous because it sends an incomplete message to your unconscious mind that relationship building is all about the quest. It sets you up to put all of your efforts into finding and winning your prince or princess and none into keeping him or her.

It ignores the fact that creating a happy life together is an on-going, dynamic process that requires constant attention. It also ignores the reality that joy and pain are intertwined threads in the fabric of lifelong important relationships.

Myth #2

"If you really loved me, you would

know what I want, without

my saying it."

Why a problem?

The "Crystal Ball Myth" is dangerous because it makes a statement that just is not true. You are not a mind reader, and neither is your partner.

It is true that after we have lived with someone for a good while, that we begin to have a very good idea about what their likes and dislikes are and how they will usually react in certain situations. But people do not always look the way they feel; their wants and needs can change; and, even they do not always know what they want.

Myth #3

"What we need is a baby

to fix the problems

between us."

Why a problem?

The "And Baby Makes Three Myth" is dangerous for two reasons. First, it is not a solution to any current relationship problem; and, second, it creates a whole new set of problems dealing with childcare and parenting styles

Relationships come in two’s. Add a third party to the existing relationship, and three new relationships must be formed: between mother and child; between father and child; and, between father and mother. That takes a lot more time and energy, not less. And, then, all three of you will suffer, instead of just the original two.

Myth #4

"Love means, you never have

to say, I’m sorry"

Why a problem?

The "Freedom to Harm Myth" is dangerous because it denies the basic value of the offended partner. When you hurt the person you love, you destroy a certain amount of trust. That causes the relationship to begin to wither and die.

To reverse these negative effects, your first task is to work at restoring the trust that you have broken by your offending behavior, and that starts by saying, I’m sorry.

Myth #5

Complete honesty is the key!

Why a problem?

The "Into Mind, Out of Mouth Myth" is dangerous because the pretext of complete honesty is too often taken as an excuse to take petty, cheap shots, often in the heat of arguments. It also ignores the fact that it is just as important to know when and how to speak our truth as it is to do so.

Basic honesty about values, feelings, and needs is essential, but partners need to stop and think before sounding off and using their partner as an emotional punching bag to soothe their negative or guilty feelings.

Myth #6

Find someone who is different from you. Opposites attract.

Why a problem?

The "Magnetic Theory Myth" is dangerous because it is only partially true. Differences do attract us, but it is the sameness of values, goals, and beliefs that forms the solid foundation for a lasting relationship. Differences are like spices. Not too little, not too much!

When opposites do get together, they need to be cautious about interactions when either or both of them are physically, emotionally, or mental stressed out. At times such as these, the very differences that charmed us tend to irritate us and drive us up the wall. We need to be reasonably in control of ourselves to appreciate and take advantage of our differences.

Myth #7

Love conquers all.

Why a problem?

The "Romeo and Juliet Myth" is dangerous because it is another partial truth. Love is a very powerful force, and it can help us to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds. But it is not all powerful. Please take not of the word seemingly.

Love is no substitute for a basic dose of reality, prudent planning, and steadfast perseverance. And, by the way, remember how that Romeo and Juliet thing turned out.

Myth #8

"I have enough love for

the both of us."

Why a problem?

The "Masochistic Delight Myth" is dangerous because it is all give and no get. Real relationships don’t work this way. We all need to love, to have our love accepted, and to be loved in return.

This approach betrays a basic lack of maturity and self-esteem. Inevitably, it leads to a life filled with ever mounting tension, unresolvable resentments, and grinding disillusionment.

It is better to love and lose, than to throw away any chance of a happy life on this sort of beggar’s bargain.

Myth #9

"Couples should always

do things together."

Why a problem?

The "Joined at the Hip Myth" is dangerous because it places too great a burden on each partner to meet all of the needs of the other partner.

This sort of approach is normal for many couples in the early stages of their relationships when they are getting to know one another. But it is not a good long-term strategy.

Doing some things separately is essential to satisfy personal, non-relationship needs, and it also brings fresh ideas and experiences into the relationship.

Myth #10

Love is blind.

Why a problem?

The "Lover’s Leap Myth" is dangerous because it is not true. True love sees both the strengths and the weaknesses of its partner. It makes allowances for the others imperfections, and it acknowledges and accepts its partner’s tolerance of its own short-comings.

It is not to be confused with adolescent infatuation which is the product of inexperience and hormonal imbalance. True love is tempered by prudence and mature judgment that sustain it through the hardships that life, inevitably, strews in its path.

Relationship

Survival

Kit

Item #1

52932.png

Directions: Place firmly over mouth at

the first sign of Complete Honesty.

Why It is Helpful

If people were perfect, complete anything might be a good thing. But, we are not perfect. That is why the early Greeks warned us against taking any virtuous act to an extreme. When we do, it turns from virtue into vice, from good to bad. So, we have to learn how and when to say our truths to one another.

It is important to explain our values and beliefs, and it is essential not to lie about how we really feel about our partner. Saying we love someone when we do not is