My Dad and the Foul Beast Within

By Cassandra Smith

The authors father was a man who had an angry, sinister soul inside of him, which she called the foul beast within him. How the author and her siblings survived all the tragedies bestowed upon them is unimaginable. They were starved, beaten, and in winter left with frostbite; their summers were filled with extreme dehydration and long, exhausting days. Even though police and social services agencies in two states were called hundreds of times, they were unable to catch the perpetrator. To these nine children, it seemed like the burden of saving their own lives had fallen to themselves. That was exactly what they did in the fall of 1994, when they pressed charges against their father.

To this day, the siblings are haunted by all the horror and abuse they went through. Yet the love these children had for one another was incredible. Even today, they share a special closeness to one another and the desire to protect each other.

After dropping out of high school and living through a failed marriage, the author pursued higher education in order to support herself and her young son. Out of her darkness and tragedy she created light, love, and success.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Feb 17, 2017
• ISBN: 9781532013867

Cassandra Smith

Cassandra J. Smith works in distance education. She has been writing for more than 10 years, and has written online courses, web-based training materials, and worked as a news producer for an affiliate of a major US television network. In 2008 Cassandra wrote a facilitator’s guide for online instructors, Who Let this Disaster in My Classroom.

Book preview

Chapter 1

Life

The day we are born into this world is supposed to a joyous day, A day of happiness a day of a wonderful miracle. However, the day that I was being brought into this family was a fearful day. One I fought against and loss. I’m telling her! No! Stop the pushing stop, I don’t want to go out. too late the bright lights and freezing air hit me hard even so, I told myself don’t breathe, all I got to do is not breath! Then the idiot doctor spanks me on the bottom and I cry out in pain, my airways open filling my lungs with air and my cruel life begins.

I try not to cry out, why didn’t it work for me like it did for the other three? That did not survive in her womb, and like the other one small fetus of blood and core that is burry in the small shoes box under the sycamore tree that blooms with it rebirth a beautiful green foliage in spring and autumn of colors. The ones that no one ever speaks about. Why did those four get to be the lucky ones? So, lucky not have made it into this, family To suffer tremendous amounts of sadness, shame, and, pain?

Again, I tell myself and the four lucky ones I shouldn’t have cried out. You don’t know just how lucky you are. That you did not make it to come out to live with, my family of horror and pain. This family of twelve and if you four had survived then it would have been just four more lives. That would have been rupture with pain and torture.

It may be mean of me to say and no one may understand why I am saying it but you four are so lucky. That you were not strong enough to survive the growing stages in our mom rotten womb. You four are so unbelievable bless. That God took you home before you were to be born. Because you four got to escape the family of the Foul Beast.

Now several years later here we are! In the late cold hours of the night. My older brothers shoving all of us sisters high up in the sycamore tree. They whisper with their finger over our mouths, saying now you all be quiet. Don’t make a sound. But, I am cold, and hungry, maybe them people walking below us can help us get warm and feed us and just as my little cry started to muffle out. CLAMP my sister Daisy hand close over my mouth. We are sitting and watching the comical seen below. It is extremely funny and if I wasn’t starving and freezing, We may could have try to laugh instead of trying to muffle out a cry. As we watch our two crazy brothers sliding in/out of old abandon cars, crawling underneath the little shack that was our home, just running the policeman’s, and social workers, all around this place on a cat and mouse hunt. Both of my brothers was singing over, and over. (I see you but you don’t see me!) and (I got a skeeter on my peter get it off get it off!) and (I see your hiney so black and shining!) Finally, the men and women down below us gave up and headed back to their vehicles and my little shimmer light of hope pulls away.

My sister Ruby ask Daisy can we go back inside the house? We are freezing! just then Junebug pop up in the tree saying no we, got to stay right here an hour or two, and then we will head through the woods, and across several parking lots, until we get to grandma Smith. We will stay, there until mom and dad can come get us. Oh, how warm it was in Grandma house and the sweet smells of food. Yum the food smell so good she had, chicken frying, beans cooking, a big pan of hot cornbread, and let me tell you! I have never tasty anyone cornbread that was as good as my granny was.

She stood with both of her hands on her hips and with a little raised voice she saying! Now look here you children have eaten every crumb of my beans and bread that I had cook. You children better hope your mom comes soon or I will call the social worker myself. But instead, she yells for granddaddy to take the boys and put them to bed. Then she guided us girls into our cousin Essie room. She put on long maxi dresses on us all. Lord you girls are filthy. In the morning, you all will get baths and get this knotted hair all comb out.

We were awaking to the smell of gravy and hoecake bread for us all. And Granny yelling out. Telling the boys to be on their way to school and don’t be late never will anything beat that smell! The smell of my granny cooking. My grandparents Smith was very loving and Christian grandparents. In fact, we all still visit my late granddaddy Smith church in Greensboro N.C. and they sure brought a lot of safety and joy into the hearts of 9 frighten children. The care and the love they share for each other and their family was amazing!

As the morning pass by Granny was hard at work about her home when our mom appeared. She reaches down and pick me up off the blanket that granny had put down for Essie and us little ones to be close by her as she done her housework. Granny follow Mom as she was carry me inside to the kitchen. Granny begin to questions mom, what are you going to do? You got 6 kids and no home, no work? These sweet children are starved to the bone! Granny was saying, we told you that your daddy and the church folks were praying for that man to leave the bottle alone and you wouldn’t listen. You just had to run off and marry him. Mom was crying as she sat me back down on the blanket. Then she mumbles when the older ones get in from school we are loaded up and moving to Virginia to stay with his parent. But right now, I am going to fix my husband and I a plate we haven’t eating in two days.

We arrive at our Grandparents home right at the North Carolina/Virginia Border. We all was happy to be meeting our dad parents for we thought they would be sweet and caring like our mom’s parents. Unfortunately, we were wrong, it was a little after 7pm so it had begun to get dark and the air was a lot colder in the ground had a lite dusting of snow on it. My brothers were very happy to see the lights that was shiny though the big window of the small house they were thinking that we all would be very warm and feed supper shortly. Because, we left Granny Smith in a rush to get to VA. That we miss our supper.

As, Daisy carry me in, we were the last two to enter the home, at once I tighten my hold around Daisy neck I was so afraid because I have never heard such yelling that a tall thin grey hair man was doing. He was saying for dad to get that brunch of heathens out of his house. He told dad to take his dirty brunch of kids out to the old junk stations wagon that was park on the hill. As Daisy try to sit me down I’d squeeze her neck tighter and I cry I’m scare. Daisy sat on the couch and held me closer to her. At once dad slap Daisy on the head yelling at her don’t sat there you take that baby and go get back in the car as Daisy started back though the small kitchen I heard a kind sweet soft voice say,

Now daddy you know better! It cold out there! That old car does not run, it got no heat, and these kids cannot stay in, that old junk car tonight. As the kind lady with long silver hair, and a sweet soft voice, began to help mom make pallets on the floor of their living room. Daisy lay me down tuck me in the covers and I try to remove the cover, because it smells of a nasty cigar and stale beer hit my nose. Politely Daisy said, to stay under the covers for she bet this house got cold at night now you close your eyes and go to sleep.

Before Ruby lay down with us she asked Daisy sister will we get anything to eat? For we have not eaten since earlier that day at granny Smith. Oh, how I wish that Ruby did not ask that question for it made the old thin hair grandpa Kales mad. He started his tantrum back up again. From his back bedroom, he screams don’t give them bastard our food. Momma we don’t have it to spare. It all I can do to feed me and you and we already got stuck raising one of their bastard little Opal. Again, the silver hair lady that we were told, is our grandma Kales says now daddy, shame on you! you go sleep it off you be all right in the morning.

Just as her words was ending she was standing over me with a half-cut bologna sandwich and cup of milk saying here! "Now honey you eat this sandwich and go on to sleep. Grandma loves you say your prayers. The next morning mom left with all my brothers and sisters to go put them in the Virginia schools. She left me behind with my new grandma Kales. As I woke up alone with grandma Kales. I wasn’t as scare, as the night before because she a very sweet lady she lifted me up onto her lap and stuff me good with gravy, biscuits, and fry bologna. After we had eating she began giving me ponies ride on her knees, while singing the same songs that my grandparents Smith had sing to us all.

Yes, Jesus Loves Me for the bible tells me so, Yes Jesus Loves Me, just as my eyes started closing to a peaceful sleep. I heard the gruffly sounds from grandpa voice hollering momma quit fooling around with that damn baby in get me my morning cup of coffee. Grandma reply now; daddy do not be yelling and waking my precious little girl. Then she softly called to Opal to come help with the baby. As this kind, young girl wrap me in her blanket and carry back thru the house passing the old grouchy grandpa. He yelled dammit Opal why aren’t you at school. Opal just shrug her shoulders and kept walking

As she closed her bedroom door behind her and we lay down into her warm comfortable good smelling bed she was saying to me don’t worry about that old grouch. Then she began to sing with the most beautiful voice I had ever heard. I fell asleep quickly and slept until my loud mouth brothers and sisters came running through the doors telling mom and grandma about their new school. They all seem excited except Duke he is so sad and moody saying he didn’t like it here and he wanted to go back to Greensboro! I giggle at him being so grumpy and he gently kick me telling me to shut up. That he especially wanted to be away from me. I want to move back home he yell! I want to be back with all my cousin and my family. We don’t even know these people and I hate this nasty Virginia. He yelled, as he ran out the back door.

As the cold month went by, I came to see just what Duke had meant; we went from sleeping on a pallet on the floor, to staying in the old broken down puke green color station wagon. That was park on the hill by the edge of our grandparent’s driveway. We all were way too young to be living in that cold car. But it had something to do with our stale alcohol muggy cigars smelling grandpa. He was very strange sometimes he was so sweet and playful yet others times when he no longer smelled of the pungent smell coming from his mouth that when his mean frighten loud voice would be scaring us.

That when Duke and Daisy along with mom would gather us all up and take us back out to the cold station wagon it was the ugliness green color and it no longer crank at all. But it had become our safe-haven from the angry pungent odor grandpa. Although I did get a little relief for often sweet Opal would sneak out to car peck on the window and mom would pass me to Opal arms and she would hurriedly sneak me into her room and feed me then wrap me in the warmth of her blankets in her strong loving arms and sing to me. The same gospel songs that I had heard all my young life. Then right before dawn would break she would quickly take me to the car in put me back into mom arms.

Chapter 2

Two Story White House

This was the way we live for the next two years. Later in the late fall of 1968 we all was, so happy we would be moving into a real house. Mom and dad had gotten work at one of the local Furniture Factory this old man in this small town had four big warehouse of making fine furniture, and they moved us into an old two story house. It was a big old white house way out in the woods. We rode on a long dirt road and cross a creek and thru a lock fence of a cow field to a wide-open space and here was our new home. And oh, compared to living in that old puke green station wagon, this home was a palace. We all love it and were happy to be there, but I was a little sad because we all came from grandpa and grandma Kales, Except for the oldest girl Opal." That we were not allowed to talk to at the grandparents’ home. Dad had giving mom strict order to keeps us all away from her. So, no one knew of Opal rescuing me from them cold nights except mom and me.

And now here at this big two story white house everyone was picking their rooms out. Mom and dad had the bedroom that sat right off pass the winding fearful looking stairs in the living room which had a big old fireplace in it. There was a warm glowing fire burning giving a homey feeling to the big house. Just as I started too sat, down by the warmth of the fire in runs Ruby grabbing my hand and fleeing right by our father who was glaring at us with a strange look on his face. We swished by him, and up the stairs we went into a big room with a mattress on the floor.

Rosy was already laying on it. She had hers and Ruby big coat pull over on her and in no time at all Ruby and I was laying under those big coats along beside her. Ruby said this is our new bedroom it was a light color of blue and had a big slated pane window with no curtains her and Rosy laid giggling and wiggling so happy to have this warm room. It all ours Ruby excited squeal as she jerks me and Rosy up with her we all started jumping up and down singing on this hard-dirty mattress this is our room, this is our bed, this is our house!

I started stuttering wa wai wait I am thinking this is not the song that (sister) sing to me. I fell back down onto the mattress as I was patting Ruby and Rosy legs. I stutter but this is not the song that sist, siste, sister sinn, sing to me. But they were so happy and safe that they had no time to explain to me and little did I know. That they didn’t know that the older girl (Opal) at the aging old grandparents’ home was indeed our oldest sister.

We were all call to come down stairs that evening for supper in the small kitchen of the stained yellow we six Duke, Daisy, Junebug slide in one side of the weaken table bench. Ruby Rosy and myself squeeze in the back of this bench table. We ate and laugh everyone talking it seem that things were the way it should have always been. This is what a family is, a home fill with warmth, and the tantalizing sweet smells of food cooking and the laughter ringing out all over the big old house.

Every night after supper, I would get down in the floor in front of the fireplace. All my brothers and sisters would be doing their homework. And to keep me from bugging them with my terrible stuttering talk one of them would give a piece of scrap paper and a pencil for me to doodle on. I would make believe that I was, writing, but writing to whom? Because, everyone was here, or was they? No there was one of us who had the most beautiful singing voice that was not here with us. So, it must have been Opal that I would be so brilliantly trying to write to. I was trying to express all this love deep down in my heart for a sister that we were not allowed to know her as our sister.

My family seem better, better than it ever been for my 5 years of living. Time seem to be moving along smoothly. I was so excited because I would be starting to school this year. Our mom had taking us three girls to the Five & Dime store down town to get us a new outfit for school. She brought us a dress, white tights, and black shiny shoes. The dress was brown at the skirt part with white and pink stripes up at the top of the dress. Rosy and Ruby fuss a little for they wanted a different dress but, I was very happy that our dresses was the same. I love the new dress and shiny black shoes. But now these tights I agree with Ruby they needed to be used for starting a fire on a cold early morning. We giggle with laughter at each other pulling at them tights.

Later that night mom had all three of us to dress up in our new outfit to see how it looks on us. ‘Oh my;" I thought we were the three most beautiful little girls ever! However, when she calls for Daisy and our brothers to come look at how cute we were dress alike for our first day of the school. Duke sarcastically squeal Good Godly mom! Why did you go and buy them all three the same outfit? Now they look like a melting Neapolitan ice cream sandwich in those clothes. He and Junebug rolled in the floor laughing at how silly we three looked.

Ruby and Rosy started to cry as mom yell at Duke for hurting their feeling, but I wasn’t crying at all. For my brain was still focus on the ice cream sandwich that my mouth was watering for. I’m started stuttering and patting Duke on his leg Du-Duk-Duke. I-I-wan-want a ic ice cream sandwich. Pop! Duke hauls off, and pop my head screaming for me to shut up you freak. I don’t have no dang ice cream which now I was a stuttering cry mess. Mom scream at Duke to get outside and play before she put her foot in his tail sounding more like dad than herself. In two-step, Duke was out the front door, then she turns to me, telling me to get my tail up those steps get out of my school outfit. And get in the bed, and she had better not even hear a whimper out of me, And boy she didn’t either, I had never seen this side of my mom, and I didn’t care to see no more of it either.

We all was getting settle into the school year. We had our school pictures taken, in our new outfit, and mom brought that year school picture of us all. Everyone seem to be doing well except me? The others were learning, getting good grades. Duke and Ruby was on the honor program they were, very smart. Amazingly even little weak Rosy was doing good too. I was glad for her because I did not want dad to be mad at her. I didn’t want him to beat her with his belt.

The one thing I can say is that dad has not been beating me for my bad grades that year. He rarely even discussed my grades are anything about my troubling learning with mom are me. But he had quit going to the school meeting that took place at the end of each learning session. He had long ago told the school staff that it wasn’t nothing that no one could do to help, the retarded child. So, stop worry him and mom to death with the bull crap.

I’d guest that why the others siblings have started calling me his special little girl. And I just hated to hear that. I’d got mad at them sometimes they would make me so mad saying that. I would pick up whatever I could get my tiny little hand on a shoe, a bottle, or a rock. I did not care whatever I could find and throw it at their heads. No, the very last thing that I wanted was to be this mean man special anything. He had lost another job and the others was right he had total change he was mean and cold and the look in his eyes had become frightening to all of us. We all had made a pack with each other that we would try if possible to stay away from him or at least not to leave one of us along with him.

Miss King my teacher and the school principal, had devised a plan to try and help me with my stuttering. I would be pull out of class for 30 minute in the morning hours to go to the library for a tutoring session of one on one with the librarian and she would help with my stuttering. Because there were, no speech therapies in the school back then. That helps children with special needs such as speech, or walking, or other medical problem.

The librarian was a nice lady and by the middle of the school year I had improve a little but not enough that I could stay caught up on my learning. The school broad calls a meeting with my parents and several of the school staff. To discuss how to help with my speech problem there were a suggestion that, I may would need to be held back in kindergarten. And that was rarely done back then. Dad started yelling. That his little retard child could not be held back in no damn kindergarten that he was not having any of that foolishness. So, by the end of the school year I was behind compare to the other students.

With all the fussing over my school and stuttering, the other children had started resenting me for it seem to be making dad angry. Duke had begun slapping me every time he got around me. He would scream at me! See it all your fault ever since you were born dad has got meaner and meaner. He used to drink beer all the time and be drunk and happy! Daisy would always pinch in her big mouth along with Duke yea dad quit drinking when you were born you were dad special little girl! But all you done his turn him into an evil mean man. And they would say we wish you hadn’t even been born, and dad would still be a happy drunk. You ruin everything!

I would always think to myself yea you right I shouldn’t have been born. I try, so hard not to take that breath of life. It was a nagging eerie feeling one that I could remember feeling from our connected life cord she was telling me. Please don’t survive, please don’t survive! I could almost feel the pressure of her bones trying to keep me safely trap inside as she lay on that birthing table in that cold, room of that hospital even before she made that final hard push to release me from her tired body. I seem to hear her saying don’t breathe, Hold your breath! Don’t cry out for air! Don’t live! But, I did and here I am messing up my whole family life, no one seems happy. I was beginning to wonder if we would ever be happy again.

I was glad that the school year was ending. It had not been a pleasant first year for me as the days went on I just got farther and farther behind in my learning the other students hated me and call me all kinds of awful names even the retarded one. But for some reason it did not hurt my feeling as bad as when my brothers and sister would call me retarded. Ruby and Rosy would always come to my defense when one of the school children would call me names although, I’d didn’t need them to. Because, I had done become very skillful, at taking up for myself.

So here I am a squinty little runt in kindergarten of all grades. Fighting with the other students almost every single day. Dumb as a bag of rock. Not learning a dang thing, and to beat it all, I wasn’t even supposed to be here. To be alive! For all these mean tails kids to be calling me all these mean hurtful names. The principal had already prepared my parent. That my first-grade school year would prove to be even more difficult for me. And that I would have to repeat first grade. because first, thru twelve could be repeated. If it had to be, and they had determined that, I would be held back, at the end of my first grade.

Duke and the others had become very mad and angry at me all the time. They had begun to call me mommy little retarded baby. And I never knew why or how they could hurt me so bad. I could not help it that my stuttering had come out of nowhere and that no one could help me to stop stuttering. Not the doctor’s, not the therapist,’ not the teacher, no one have been able to stop me from stuttering like a babbling fool as dad would quite often say! Even the specialist that my parent took me to over, and over. Had no explanations and they all were stun that it was me the only one out of the entire family history on both side of my grandparents to ever a had a stuttering problem.

Secretly I had started blaming myself for my stuttering cause even though the psychiatrist had stated that if stuttering is not inherited from a family gene then it their assumption that the person had suffer horrific trauma that their minds could not withstands. So, I think back to that day I was born into this world and I believe that me holding my breath so long for the fear of coming into this family may have did the damages that now cost me to be a stuttering retard.

Although now I can’t say I blame them it had to be hard on them to put up with me sometimes cause a stuttering person can get on people’s nerves. And I had begun to use my stuttering as a tool to get my way. When I wanted something because, all I had to do was cry a little, and try telling mom what it was that I wanting. Because it seems like Duke always had a candy bar, how he did we never knew. Because that was just something, we seen very few of in our young lives. And I’m sure he worked very hard for someone for him to have it for himself. His mistake was to let me see it for when I did I would go to crying for it. And it would work! Every single time my mom would tell Duke to give that stuttering child his candy bar, or whatever it was that any of my siblings had that I would be crying for. Because she just could not stand that, stuttering crying child. So, yea, I can clearly see why they hated me for that crap.

Thank goodness, this school year is over! Hey hooray back to these fun times hot days playing in the cool creeks, chasing Mr. J. cows that he told us a million times not to do, filling our belly full with apples and berries and veggies from our garden sneaking down in urging an invite to the Jamison cook outs. Luckily by the grace of God they always seem to have something for us. By now we were real adapt at getting on Mr. J. nerves at times that he would, be very upset at us, He would tell us not to come back to his home. But, in a day or two, he would come up to ones of us, and send a big invite to his home and feeds us all a wonderful meal.

In addition, he would make his children play games of Simons Said’s or Volleyball and we knew that he was no longer mad at us. And even though dad would beat us bloody with his crack dry studded belt, when he caught us at Mr. J. home we didn’t seem to care, Because the chance of feeling love. From the neighbor was a more meaningful emotion then the fear of the beast bloody studded belt. Yes! He had now been name (The Mean Beast) instead of mean man.

The hot summer days flew by they were fill with fun and laughter. Duke and Junebug would be chasing the cows trying to catch one of them for us three girls to ride. Daisy would not Ride them she did enjoy rubbing and talking fondly at times. On this hot afternoon, we had just got through playing and splashing in the creek. As the sun blazing high in the sky we were headed back up the hill to go out back of the old farmhouse to pick apples and blackberries so Daisy could try to fix us one of her watery dough pies for our lunch, dad has just quit his job again and times were getting hard.

It always was when he didn’t work and spent more time at home. Thank goodness, he was gone to Danville today with a load of bottles to the coke plant. So, this day of swimming and playing in the creek had been A safe fun day as we were approaching the fence next to the house we had notice that all the cows were grazing at the fence. Junebug said, will you just look at all that good steaks just coming right to us. Don’t they know, we haven’t eating in days, as he kicks at a hard cow patty? Yea I said I i wa wan want a steeakk. Yea that does sounds so good Ruby and Rosy said. Ok that it. Duke said we are going to have steak for a year cause by dang, Junebug and I are going to catch one of these cows and cut him up for steaks. Duke put us girls over on the fence post, and told us to keep an eye out for Mr. J.! For they did not want to get caught trying to catch one of his cows. Now here we three girls are, we were calling out to the boys where the cows are standing.

I had just yell out to Duke and Junebug over here one as we pointed and squeals with delight at the boys trying to catch the cow. I was right in the middle of screaming to Junebug here a big black and white one! When, Mr. J. patted me on the head saying! Hello peanut? We