Utmost Love: Dark & Light-shade Emotions

By Tanya Frew

Utmost Love, is about finding love in its fullness, and is written with a wealth of warmth, love, passion and excitement. The story highlighted lives with great difficulties. I’ve drawn on personal experience, with individuals who were affected by motor neuron disease. Supported by letters, messages and memories.
Lady-Jan endured all tribulations, only to find her utmost-love. Lives were deeply affected, as Ethan her first love, was brain damaged, due to an accident that involved Jan. Gui her prince went to prison, and left his young son. John her second husband, brought love in its-full-glory.
Deception, Divorce, Death, life’s most prominent D’s.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris UK
• Release date: May 24, 2016
• ISBN: 9781514463031

Tanya Frew

I’ve worked as a psychology lecturer, and a support worker with autistic kids. Utmost love is my second book. First, A Guide to Healthy Eating: Do it Healthy 3 times a day. These books are a dream come true, due to my passion for healthy-living, and love as an intrinsic phenomenon. I was first inspired to write, after the death of my mother. She died from breast cancer at age 48, and we were extremely closed. Writing about my emotions, helped me through my darkest days and nights. At present, I’m enjoying motherhood, with my three beautiful young princes.

Book preview

Copyright © 2016 by Tanya Frew.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 05/21/2024

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This book is a powerful and emotional read. It explores the challenges and struggles that people face in their personal lives, including relationship difficulties, mental health issues, and motor neurone disease. Through these real-life experiences, the book offers enlightenment and hope during the darkest of times. It takes readers on an emotionally charged journey that reveals different ways to love deeply despite the pitfalls.

It brings fear, loss, despair, guilt, and loneliness into sharp focus while also being sensationally fascinating, climactic, toe-tappingly intense, and joyous. Ultimately, it reflects the power of love in its purest form. The book’s ability to capture the raw emotions of its subjects and convey them in a way that is both relatable and inspiring is truly remarkable. It is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the transformative power of love.

Not many are exempted – if anyone is …

It is rare for anyone to be exempt from relationship issues. Unless one chooses to remain single, the complexities of love will inevitably present challenges that we may prefer to avoid. Life and love can be wonderful, but external circumstances can impact our mental well-being. We are all vulnerable to various illnesses and conditions, including motor neurone disease. This debilitating condition has no cure and will accompany an individual until the end of their life.

Despite the difficulties that come with relationships and the potential for illness, many people still choose to pursue love and companionship. The support and comfort of a loving partner can help us navigate the ups and downs of life. Even when faced with a condition like motor neurone disease, having someone by our side can make all the difference. Love may not be easy, but it is often worth the effort.

Cozies and hankies at the ready?

Get ready to laugh out loud at the humorous moments, while also being prepared to shed tears as you delve into the deeply emotional stories of individuals who have faced dark times. This book captures the full spectrum of human emotions and experiences, leaving a lasting impact on its readers.

Be kind and mind your mind …

On our journey through life, let kindness be our guide … Nurture your mind with kindness, and guard your thoughts with care. Be generously kind to yourself, for you are your first priority. Extend your kindness to others, for we are all siblings sharing this beautiful planet.

In the realm of thoughts, where silence is a friend,

Be kind and mind your mind, let compassion never end.

In the mirror of the mind, where reflections often blend,

Be kind and mind your mind, let love be the trend.

In the garden of the mind, where emotions tend to bend,

Be kind and mind your mind, let peace be what you send.

In the ocean of the mind, where depth has no end,

Be kind and mind your mind, let harmony be your commend.

In the journey of the mind, where paths may wend,

Be kind and mind your mind, let joy be what you intend.

In the canvas of the mind, where colours transcend,

Be kind and mind your mind, let positivity be your penned.

In the symphony of the mind, where notes ascend,

Be kind and mind your mind, let serenity be your mend.

In the universe of the mind, where dreams suspend,

Be kind and mind your mind, let wisdom be your defend.

So, in the dance of life, as you twist and bend,

Be kind and mind your mind, let kindness be your lifelong friend.

Contents

Dedication

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1     Dark-shade Emotions

Chapter 2     A Dark Eye In The White Clouds

Chapter 3     Life Changes, Everything Changes

Chapter 4     The Pain No One Else Sees

Chapter 5     Decision Making

Chapter 6     Looking To The Future – A Prince For Jan

Chapter 7     A Good Life: Light-Shade Emotions

Chapter 8     Brink of Emotional Destruction

Chapter 9     Motor Neurone Disease: A Dying Wish

Chapter 10   Utmost Love

Chapter 11   Poetry Speaks Volume

Chapter 12   Perfectly Imperfect

This book is a heartfelt homage to the extraordinary individuals who have graced my life. Your unwavering love and acceptance, in spite of my flaws, transcend the power of words. My affection and gratitude for you are boundless.

You are the air that I inhale,

Crisp and refreshing like a morning gale.

My closest companions, my heart’s steady beat,

My unwavering lights, my stars, my delight, and my retreat.

No matter where you may be, you bring a grin to my face,

The finest adornment I wear from place to place.

In every way, you lift me higher,

I am grateful you are here to make my days brighter.

My love, you are my universe and life’s greatest gift.

My Stars

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A special aunt you are – selfless and wise,

Most loyal and lovable, I treasure you very much,

Because of your inner beauty, and your incredible sense of touch.

Throughout the years you have been there for me,

Sometimes I wonder, how different life would have been,

If you have not loved and cared unconditionally.

You watched me grow up and be the woman, I am today,

And believed in me every step of the way.

No matter the challenges I may be up against,

Or when I am captivated by self-doubts,

Your love strengthened me.

And these are only a few reasons, why I love you unreservedly.

Special CGB

Preface

Love, a simple language, yet one that many find challenging to decipher. There are those who have never felt its touch, and thus remain oblivious to its power of transformation. They wander in the wilderness of ignorance, unable to share what they have not experienced.

Then there are those who have tasted love in varying degrees – a fleeting brush or a profound immersion. Their perception of love is coloured by their personal encounters. Sometimes they yearn for it to hold deep meaning, while at other times they wish for it to be an empty vessel. Their understanding of love is a reflection of their unique journey with this potent word. Without a genuine experience of love, its true essence can often be misinterpreted, leading to underestimation of its potential. Love is not just an emotion; it is an intricate tapestry woven with threads of affection, sacrifice, understanding, and patience.

However, love is not static; it evolves and grows with time. It is like a seed that, when nurtured, blossoms into a beautiful flower spreading fragrance in our lives. It has the power to heal wounds, bridge gaps, and create harmony. It is a universal language that transcends boundaries and cultures. Understanding love requires patience and openness. It is about embracing its complexities rather than simplifying them. It is about acknowledging its shadows just as much as its light. Only then can we truly appreciate the depth and breadth of what love has to offer.

So let us embark on this journey of understanding love – exploring its nuances, appreciating its beauty, and harnessing its power. For it is through love that we find our true selves and realise our full potential.

When I got started …

After obtaining my degrees in psychology, I have devoted a significant amount of time to comprehending the manner in which love is conceptualised. Specifically, I am referring to pragma love, which is characterised by a mature and realistic approach to relationships between couples. In order to gain a deeper understanding of the powerful impact of love, I have explored the relationships of various individuals, and shared some of their experiences. On many occasions, I have been surprised by the way some people perceive and experience love, particularly when their circumstances are seemingly unbearable. It is fascinating to see how love can manifest in such diverse ways and how it can endure even in the most challenging of situations.

A couple’s love …

I was recently at the park, observing the various ways couples expressed their love for one another. I struck up a conversation with a couple and asked them what love meant to them. They told me that love and friendship are intertwined. The woman shared that, for her, love meant staying loyal to her husband, despite the fact that they had not been intimate for several years due to his struggles with erectile dysfunction caused by alcohol dependency. Despite the lack of physical intimacy, they maintained a strong and committed relationship built on mutual respect and support. That, to them, was the true meaning of love.

Correspondences …

Last night, I received a WhatsApp message from one of my younger cousins. It was the longest text he had ever written. Usually, he is not one for words, so I was quite surprised.

Hi T,

How are you doing? I could really use someone to talk to right now. I am going through a tough time, and it is affecting my ability to eat and sleep. I have been in love before, as you know, but this time it is different. I love my Angel more than anyone else I have ever loved. The love I have for her is the strongest and most pure, and the thought of losing her is unbearable. A few weeks ago, she broke my heart, and it has been tearing me apart ever since. It feels like my heart has been ripped apart and run over by an overloaded double-decker bus. All I want to do is cry and let out all the pain. It is hard to believe that love can cause so much suffering. Maybe a part of me is dying or already dead. Should I hold a funeral for it? Is it my fault for loving someone this much? Please respond soon. Love Denny.

Hi Denny,

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. It sounds like you are dealing with a difficult situation. I am here for you, even though we are separated by distance. You can always talk to me and imagine that I am right there with you, offering a comforting hug.

It is important to take the time to process your emotions and understand your feelings. It is normal to feel hurt when someone you care about does something that causes you pain. If possible, try to have a conversation with her to understand why she did what she did. This could help clear up any misunderstandings and allow you both to move forward.

Remember to look at the situation positively and focus on healing. You may need to make a decision about whether to forgive and move on or say goodbye. If you choose to forgive, it is important to leave the past behind and start fresh. A good relationship is built on love, trust, loyalty, honesty, openness, and good communication.

If you would like, I can talk with her on your behalf, but only if you give me permission to do so. In the meantime, take care of yourself and focus on feeling better. Exercise can be a wonderful way to lift your mood and bring peace of mind. Take care! X

Denny replied …

Hey T,

Feel free to reach out to her. I am sure she trusts you and will not mind hearing from you. Hopefully, she can acknowledge her actions and find a positive way to express her love.

Angel and I corresponded …

Hi Angel,

I hope you are doing well. I am sorry to hear that you are going through some emotional struggles right now. Denny asked me to check in with you, but I want to make sure that you are comfortable with that. I am not here to judge either of you, just to listen and offer support.

If you are feeling overwhelmed or unsure about how to move forward, please know that it is okay to take things at your own pace. It is important to prioritise your own well-being and do what feels right for you. If talking about what is going on would be helpful, I am here to listen and offer a supportive ear. Remember that you are not alone and that there are people who care about you and want to help. Take care! X

Hi Tee,

It has been a while since we last spoke. I have something to confess. I made a terrible mistake and hurt Denny deeply – I cheated on him. The worst part is that I only love Denny. It was a one-night stand, a selfish act, and I am filled with shame for what I have done. I confessed to him because I could not bear to keep lying. He loves me, but I know he will never trust me the same way again.

I hope he will give us another chance so I can prove myself. Everyone makes mistakes, and it is important to learn from them and move on. The distance between us has made things difficult, but it is something we can work on.

Sometimes we do things we know are wrong. All I can feel is guilt and shame. Thank you for being there for me, Tee. I needed someone to talk to about this. Before you messaged me, I felt like I was going to explode – I am glad that did not happen. My anger can sometimes