In Salve of Marriage: Balancing Patriarchal, Feminist, and Individualistic Values Against Marriage

By Mokes Gama

Within the past fifty years of social transformations, the institution of marriage has witnessed a portentous shrinkage in size and importance. The rates of divorce, even as they seem to be leveling off today compared with few decades ago, are still a source of much confusion. Challenges in interpersonal relations between men and women with an aim of forming a family have become even more complicated, rendering marriages extraneous. For the young adults, however, the so-called millennials, who continue to be flustered by the welter of demographic changes and sociological experiences, marked with a growing power of women in socioeconomic status, and constantly in search of explanations, a marriage (as a rite of passage) is still relevant. But if we're to salvage the institution of marriage from extinction and that of family defined by father, mother, and children, says Mokes Gama, we must critically analyze our own attitudes on patriarchal, feminism, education, and individualistic values that we embrace and adjust accordingly.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jun 16, 2016
• ISBN: 9781514478707

Mokes Gama

Mokes O. Gama is an alumnus of University of Maryland University College at Adelphi, Maryland, where he holds a bachelor's degree in political science (government and politics). He also holds an associate degree in international relations from Montgomery College, Maryland, and is a member of the Sigma Alpha Pi, the National Society of Leadership, and Success Society. He's also a contributing writer for isportstimes, a subsidiary of IBT Media.

Book preview

Copyright © 2016 by Mokes Gama.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2016904897

ISBN:      Hardcover      978-1-5144-7872-1

                Softcover        978-1-5144-7871-4

                eBook             978-1-5144-7870-7

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Rev. date: 03/30/2016

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CONTENTS

Preface

Introduction

I. On Family Laws

II. The Mixed Blessings of Patriarchy

III. The Overmuch of Individualism

IV. Misconceptions about Feminism

V. College Education and Its Worth

Conclusion

Endnotes

Bibliography

Disclaimer/Legal Notice

This book is not intended for use as a substitute for legal advice. The examples contained herein on matters of family law(s) are intended for illustration only and for general informational purpose and should not be relied upon for technical answers. The laws in general are subject to change without notice, even though great efforts were made to use the most accurate and current sources on subject matters. The views expressed are the sole responsibility of the author, who is not an expert in legal affairs, and do not necessarily reflect those of bar members. The reader(s) should consult an attorney or a legal professional on subject matters herein discussed.

Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.

---Stephen Hawking, English cosmologist and physicist (1942--)

List of Illustrations

Figs. 1--10 illustrations are reproduced with permission from the Pew Research Center. The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families. Pew Research Center, Washington, D.C. (November 18, 2010). http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/files/2010/11/pew-social-trends-2010-families.pdf.

PREFACE

This book derives from the concerns of young adults, or as commonly called the millennials, across the United States on marital and social issues, specifically on the complications of marriage, family laws, feminism, individualism, patriarchy, and the baffling trends of divorce. In the quest for explanations on these modernistic phenomena that have cast doubt on marriage, even as to render the entire institution of marriage unimportant through cohabitational lifestyles, the majority find themselves with questions that bespeak confusion, such as these: Why have marriages become so complicated today compared with those in the past? Why are divorce rates so high? And the most powerful question of all is, is the institution of marriage still relevant?

It is beyond question that the American society has undergone tremendous transformation within the past fifty years of demographic changes, social trends, and sociological experiences. Within these years, the rates of marriage have plummeted considerably, while those of divorce have been relatively high, and the prognosis on our families continues to be filled with gloom. This transformation began to take a serious shape during the 1960s, a watershed decade of activism and social reforms marked with an increase in the number of women in the workforce. Even though the demands for manpower during the Second World War and the Korean War played a big role in this impulsion of women toward work, the phenomenon of women in the workforce came to materialize fully during the '60s, after generations of sublime struggles through feminism. Thus far, we stand in awe of the achievements that have essentially ended the confinement of women to feminine ideals of homemaking, establishing them in socioeconomic mainstreams on a par with men and redefining the norms of manpower all told. Within these fifty years, tremendous strides have been made in the domains of equality, rights, and opportunities for all, even though---a fact that can hardly be challenged---a substantial lot of women are still caught up in penury, and the vast majority are still lagging behind men in equal pay based on similar work. These progresses are manifesting not only in egalitarian notions of coexistence but also in the rise from economically disadvantaged, socially underprivileged, and politically underrepresented positions. It is a rise that we happily celebrate, or rather should, because it stands for a progressive society. It is also a glorious rise, yet a disconcerting one, because it has not only unsettled the patriarchal system but also affected the formation and maintenance of families. The popularity of marriage is at an all-time low today. The rates of divorce are higher, and its impact on families is significant. In this twenty-first century of uncertainties and heightened sense of individualism, however, made possible by the system of capitalism that expects all abled individuals to work so as to actualize a basic life, it is not women's fault to propel themselves into social and economic positions of competence that is causing disturbances in society, but rather patriarchal attitudes, anchored in a patriarchal social system as such that finds it hard to cope with extant realities. Men's prides are under threat of the rising power of women, and in an attempt to hold on to the status quo beholden to patriarchy, these attitudes are affecting the formation and maintenance of families through marriage. Mind you, the system of patriarchy that is associated with men's power in social, political, and economic spectrums has both merits (critical to the functioning of the society in its intrinsic values) and demerits, which are trivial in most accounts of interpersonal relations. A complete elimination of patriarchy, as suggested in various feminist circles, is unrealistic. Adjustment of patriarchal attitudes, however, and how we evaluate manhood relative to gender roles, in the interests of marriage and family, isn't. But it is a major challenge for many. At what level, for example, could patriarchal values be considered to be in a state of equilibrium with others? And at what level may they be too compromised as to impact the masculine qualities? Even more, in these modern times that are largely devoid of role models with which to impart the principles of manhood, leaving instead a major part of this challenge to the individuals themselves in their abilities and acumen to solve, the majority of young-adults are unfortunately left in confusion. In the views of the Millennials who have inherited these phenomena with much confusion, --- the feminist movement seems to be the culprit. Many are asking, If feminism has succeeded in various measures to give women the political, legal, and socioeconomic statuses they have long demanded, what then could account for the surfeit of marital strains that we experience? Has feminism been pushed too far to the extent of affecting marriages and families, while creating a reversal phenomenon that puts men at a disadvantage? A loaded question however behind the formation of this book is, is the feminist movement somehow responsible for our relationship/marital problems, or is it the mere misunderstanding on the meaning and objectives of feminism that is causing problems? Social circles/media are filled with concerns that epitomize the diametric contradictions about feminism. As it remains to be elusive to many a people in its goals and objectives, its very impact on marriage and family formation remains profound. It will be shortsighted, of course, to ignore the fact that elements of radical feminism that views marriage as a contrived institution for the domination of women are somewhat to blame. But as a paradigm of civil rights, feminism per se needs to be delineated and is here to stay.

It is a transformation that has left no part of the social fabric untouched. Even the laws of alimony payments, property division, and child custody (including its supportive payments in child care) related with family have indeed changed, yet with much confusion to young adults. Pointing the finger at the disproportions in alimony payments after divorce, for example, or more significantly on child custody issues in legal actions, which have traditionally tended toward women, menfolk are questioning not only the integrity of family laws but also the significance of marriage altogether, even when legal and sociocultural factors are presented in apology! To deny outright that family laws are imperfect is specious at best. But when family laws are wholly accused of bias to the point of shunning marriages and the imperatives of family formation, then logical explanations are due. More fateful to the millennials, as the largest generational group, are the excessive urges for personal growth in the mantle of individualism, when too much attention is paid to the individual self. The desire for self-improvement is admired in most accounts of prosperity and self-sufficiency, the core features of individualism. But when this desire goes to extremes of worshipping money (even as it remains to be necessary for sustenance), while relegating marriages and family formation to such lowly positions of nonentity, it becomes frivolous. Withal, we seem to be resigned to this state of mind that discounts the values of college education with self-delusional claims that it is possible to live in this twenty-first century of personal responsibility and socioeconomic transformations without college education. This mind-set is ominously prophetic because college education has always been a cornerstone of sustainable livelihood and an essential element of cohesion in marriage and family. Thankfully, the valuation of college degree among millennials is still high. The gender disparities in college attendance and graduation, however, are wide, with grave implications on marriages and families.

Of course, in these changing times with alternative forms of cohabitation, marriage might not be important, and the complexities of marriage as such might give credence to our apathies in finding gender-neutral and logical solutions. But a resignation to the level of nonchalance as if to say that we have amiably bidden adieu to this venerated institution, while the trajectories for the future lives of children in terms of mental/psychological health, academic achievements, and social engagements are put in jeopardy through single parentage and beliefs in marriage are overshadowed by skepticisms runs counter to our ethos, a disservice to the millennials. Besides, our moral suasions aimed at building stable families are predicated on the belief that the institution of marriage is seminal and sweeter than the saccharinity of singleness. Noting the enthusiasm for marriage, then, within this cohort of young adults, it postulates that the institution of marriage still has relevance. Our collective willingness to adjust attitudes on patriarchy, feminism, education, and individualistic values that we embrace could do a lot in reducing (and possibly even solving) relationship/marital strains that we experience. In these changing times of gender equality and rights, a competence in attitude adjustment requires candid and logical explanations, the premise of this book.

Mokes Oswald Gama

Maryland, USA

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I wish to express my deepest gratitude to my friends who participated in the interviews and my family and friends for bearing with me during the entire period of research and writing committed to this book. I would also like to thank Xlibris Publishers, especially Sarah Gibson, for making this book a reality.

INTRODUCTION

In the twentieth century, the German pastor and theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer famously said, The ultimate test of a moral society is the kind of world that it leaves to its children, in a seemingly calculated remark with a contextual prerogative. Yet it is bon mot that resonates strongly today as we grapple with shrinking rates of marriage, high rates of divorce, broken families, devaluation of college degrees, and the most important question that keeps on haunting us: what then do we, as a society, have in store as advisory for the present---millennials---generation and for the preparedness of the future generation? The millennial generation, which is the largest and most diverse group today, greatly acknowledges the importance of marriage. However, it is a generation that bears the heaviest brunt of marital and relationship problems and is left confused amidst skepticisms. More worrying are the general indifferences of those who were born between 2005 and the present, the so-called homeland generation,¹ because even as they seem to be in a state of repose for their tender ages, they nevertheless hold the ethereal key to the