Pushing to Pull? Pulling to Drag?

By Raymond Dekker

Are you struggling with marital situations that have a significant impact on your money management? This book will give you the biblical steps on how to correct not only problems with money differences, but with almost all marital conflicts. Jesus wants to be your foundation, and he will be if you allow him. I tell the story of making changes of myself for my wife to change by using biblical leadership to draw her closer to me. I used the Bible to direct my actions to achieve unity by coming up with a plan to help us work better with money together. My plan worked perfectly, and because it worked so well, we now live an entirely different life together financially as God intended us to. The series of steps I put together will guide you into how to make those changes so you too can enjoy the benefits that we have now by living the true Christian life. Take the journey of how I accomplished this challenging mission on working together and create your own memory lane with a Christian marriage. You will not be disappointed with the results you will get when focusing on changing you.

Jesus is so good!

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Mar 15, 2017
• ISBN: 9781512776782

Raymond Dekker

Ray is just like you in many ways. His life, though, would change drastically when he came to know Jesus Christ as his personal Savior. Learning to follow the path of Jesus allowed him to open new opportunities to spread God’s Word via his first book to achieve rewards as never before. He strives to help your marriage succeed.

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Copyright © 2016 Raymond Dekker.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

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Bloomington, IN 47403

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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All scriptures are from the KING JAMES VERSION (KJV): KING JAMES VERSION, public domain

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

ISBN: 978-1-5127-7679-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-7680-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-7678-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017902814

WestBow Press rev. date: 3/8/2017

Acknowledgements

T he list is long for me to give thanks to all who were part of this wonderful experience to write my first book. Many people offered encouragement, listening, and advice that contributed to finishing. That by itself is a great accomplishment, which most will never attempt to do, or even think about doing. I cannot give myself any credit, even though I was the one doing the writing. It was God, who saw my potential for making this accomplishment real. He was the one that used me to show that miracles are still real, and He will use anyone who submits to that use. There were many times God poked at me by bringing situations in my path for the reason of learning to listen to Him when He speaks softly. I owe Jesus Christ everything, even if I know He could not accept my payment for what He has already done in my place. I can clearly see God’s hands working in my life now. I am at that point in my life that all my actions can be blessings if I only trust Him fully and without question. I thank God for allowing me to tell my story of how I drew my wife closer by using Biblical principles and many adventures to make it happen.

My wife Tracy

What can I say! You have to put up with me. On many occasions, you could have very easily left me because of my actions. I am grateful to you for sticking it out and loving me even through the difficult times. You have tested my faith to the max and helped me realize that God is a forgiving God. The Lord knows I have really needed forgiveness from you. Although I still make big mistakes, you have taught me some treasured lessons. One, in particular, was why not to mess with the mother of your children and you as my wife! Although I wrote this book for you, it is because of my harsh actions that warranted the words that God allowed me to write. I am dedicating this book to you as a promise for never going back to how our life used to be. I really want this book to be a marker in our marriage to reflect our new start!

Christy Kuder:

You have been such a great Christian friend to Tracy and me. I can consider it an honor for getting the opportunity to read your book; You call THIS a plan, Lord? You’re completing the book was perfect timing for me to read it. It sure was a great plan He had for me also. I just did not understand all of this back then, but now it sure is clear why. God sure has a strange way of showing us where to go by examining our past. The book you gave me produced the small spark so many years ago. Thank God, that spark continued to smolder long enough until my fire finally started. I looked at your life in your book and told myself, I thought I had a rough life until your book came along. You really woke me up on that lowest day of my life. I hope that someday I will be able to repay you by using my book to inspire others that have gone through similar problems as we have. Your blessing for this will be from God himself when this day happens. That day will come. I cannot thank you enough.

Dave Ramsey:

I have been trying to think of a way I could thank you for all you have done for my family and me. I keep coming up with; nothing would be good enough for those paybacks. You touch so many lives with your books, guests, and radio shows that you cannot know how many you truly affect every day. I was one of those people and you did not know the impact you made on my family and me.

God allowed you to come into my life so I could learn your Christian ways and teaching about money management to keep me going on the right path. It really was not until we made that trip to Florida for Disney World on December 20, 2013, that your name became a permanent fixture in our daily life.

As we were getting closer to your destination, on that day, I realized that I made a mistake about what day it was, and you were going to be working. I really wanted to drop by and see your show but I did not want to delay our trip. At that time, you were just a name for my family and I knew they really did not want to stop and see you. Well, I did get them to agree, but it was because I told them how much it would have meant to me. We stopped and met you, bought a few items including your game, and had a picture taken with you. That was my Christmas gift from the family. We will cherish that day always as a reminder of how we really are better than we deserve now.

Jon Acuff:

Even though I have not met you, I feel that I know you. The first time I heard your name on Dave Ramsey’s show, you were a special guest promoting your new book START. You inspired me to write my first book just because of that one word. That is an extraordinary influence you had on me, even if I knew nothing about your book. It was not until 2015 on my birthday that I received your book as a gift from my wife. Your book START, was the first book that I read after a long stretch of not reading for close to twenty years. I read it in two days while on vacation. By the time I got to your book, my book was almost finished, so I thought. I had to make many changes, many times, because of your book. That was a good thing, though. I believe by reading your book, it was helpful for me to strengthen my own. One day I will hand you my book, as it would be a great honor to meet you, finally. My goal is to give Dave Ramsey a personal copy also, hoping, at the same time as delivering yours. It is now time for me to start planning that trip.

Rosie Potter:

You took on a tough task correcting the many mistakes that I made with my grammar. I did find out how bad of a writer I am. It was the Biblical information that I especially appreciated the most from your wisdom and knowledge of God’s Word. You helped me lay a sound basis for my book, and I can only consider that a real gift and blessing from God. Thank you so much for all the time you have contributed toward my first book.

Donna Dowling:

Every book needs a great editor, and that is why I chose you to be the final proofreader and editor. God used you in a very special way by creating roadblocks for me to work on His timing. The excitement that I was going through as I was completing my first book was overwhelming for me, and I continually tried to force this to work on my time and not God’s time. It was not until the last few months of working on the details of the book, which allowed me to focus on my goals, with hope, making my first book a success. I needed to slow down and listen to His plan and not my own. You, I believe, were that tool that God used to keep me from making serious decisions before praying about them. I could have gone my direction, but I know that by doing that I would have missed God’s true blessings for this book. I mention many times about His blessings throughout the book, and it takes listening in total silence to hear His voice. Your wisdom and opinions truthfully helped shape this book by helping us create that foundation through Jesus Christ. Without that teaching, this book would be just another lost blessing. It is a great honor for me to be part of your family’s life, by having your daughter, Tracy, as my wife. It is nice to know that there is someone out there that keeps me in check, most of the time. I thank you for being that person and helping me conquer this project of such magnitude as writing a book.

Bridgette Estes

You are the first person that I told about my book when I was in need of encouragement during a long stretch of writer’s block. My testing of a theory had to stay secret from anyone involved to keep from contaminating the study I was conducting. You were the neutral person I used to encourage me during that long drought I encountered. Your Christian demeanor is what I focused on to help through those rough times. God used you in a way that allowed me to know what direction I needed to continue. I thank you for your encouragement you gave me. God will bless you for showing me such Godly friendship.

Contents

Chapter 1 Wishing Is Just That—Wishing.

Chapter 2 Beginning Is the Key to Everything

Chapter 3 My Life’s Testimony

Chapter 4 Motivation and Reasons for Writing a Book

Chapter 5 Laying the Biblical Foundation

Chapter 6 How Not to Run a Household Budget (for Dummies)

Chapter 7 Using a Disney Cruise to Get Tracy on Board to Financial Peace

Chapter 8 Planning Takes Work Behind the Scenes

Chapter 9 A Christmas Morning to Remember

Chapter 10 Now to Keep Tracy on Board

Chapter 11 It’s All about the Right Purse

Chapter 12 Chocolate at Its Finest

Chapter 13 How to Practice Togetherness

Chapter 14 Comparing Personalities of Men and Women

Chapter 15 Identifying You and Only You

Chapter 16 Mixing the Forces

Chapter 17 Nerd v. Free Spirit

Chapter 18 Nerd v. Nerd

Chapter 19 Free Spirit v. Free Spirit

Chapter 20 Pushing to Pull

Chapter 21 Pulling to Drag

Chapter 22 Emotionally Drained to Submission

Chapter 23 A Broken Camping Experience

Chapter 24 Completing the Plan by Accident

Chapter 25 Thank You, Lord, for the Blessings

Chapter 26 Stories from the Kids

Chapter 27 Love Letter to My Wife, Tracy

Chapter 1

Wishing Is Just That—Wishing.

H ave you wondered what life would be like if you had (or could have) a perfect marriage? Life without fights, disagreements, and that dreaded money conflict sure would be wonderful. Could you imagine that? Just think of all the things you could do without having all that nagging or demanding of the one you say you love. I was living that dream in my own mind as I fell in love with my second wife that first day we met. I kept telling myself that things would be different this time and that nothing could destroy that feeling I was having.

Nothing could go wrong during that honeymoon period. This could not be a dream leading me toward that nightmare that so many dating and married couples wake up to after hitting rock bottom. It was real, and I wanted the excitement to last forever. I knew I could keep this going, but could I trust my wife to continue my fantasy?

I bet you have been in a relationship and considered it quality early on. I’m sure you can relate to feelings similar to the ones I was going through. I wonder if Adam and Eve had those same feelings at the beginning living in that perfect garden. Probably not in the beginning, but that would end on that one day when all would change because of sin in the midst of their home.

Okay, you can wake up and get back to the dream that so many search for and never find. It really isn’t a dream if you only stop searching and just live it.

I, too, was just like you in many ways. I wanted something I did not know how to find. The good news is that you can get the answers you are looking for as I did. It takes lots of work and a lifetime of patience, but it is doable. I did not have the manual to fall back on when times were rough, and I didn’t know how to fix my marriage without one. That is why I put together this guide giving simple guidance toward prevention of conflicts with relationships and financial hardships. I found that prevention is always the best cure.

Many of our turmoils are self-inflicted, so that makes us our own worst enemies. Today’s world is influencing us at a fast rate so that we make decisions that only sound right but blind us from the truth. This is part of the reason why so many of us fail at keeping secure relationships and financial stability.

Later, I will break down some of the other reasons why we set ourselves up to fail because of ignorance and lack of planning. I will also teach you many of the steps that I took to recognize the source of the problems. This book is what you could call a do-it-yourself manual.

Many of the stories I tell have significant parallels so that you can compare your situations with mine. In most of them, I intentionally maintain that the financial part is not the primary problem of relationships but the result of neglecting spiritual stability. We must set up our priorities in the right order, or things will never change. Numerous people have told me that if I would just step away from the tree, I could see the whole forest better. That is so true, and it is the reason why money conflicts solve themselves directly by taking the illumination away from the fighting over money to see the redirected solution. I finally put to rest the financial aspect of our marriage, and I kept that major battle in the distance as a long-term goal. At first, I was in a hurry to get there but realized my goals were in the wrong order. I made that one goal my final destination, and with hope, you will see this reality.

I would like you to take a tour of what my life and marriage used to be like before setting your own goals on fixing almost any problem that awaits you. The steps that anyone can put in place will work, but only if you allow them to. If you actually love your spouse, you will continue. Let me warn you. If you are looking for the easy button, you will not find one here. You will enjoy the changes you create.

Many think that money is the problem, and they treat it as such. Money is only a tool to fix broken items, and it will break like any other tool if you misuse it. Keep in mind when reading on that the love of money is the root of all evil.

Chapter 2

Beginning Is the Key to Everything

W hat am I doing writing a book? What a great question! All through my life, I have struggled with reading and writing for the most part. Yes, I can read and write, but I never took much interest in either. These two subjects have never been my strong points, especially while I was still in school. After high school I considered these topics to be far down on the list of my priorities. Reading books just for fun became almost nonexistent. Although there was a small segment of my life when I did read several books out of boredom while I was in the US Navy. Reading for fun sure did not last long.

So what was the change all of a sudden, and how exactly does this affect my actions of today? Maybe it was a new desire to help people who were just like me and wanted to make a mark in this world one day. On the other hand, maybe it has to do with accomplishing something that most would never think of starting. Whatever the reason, I just wanted to accomplish something before it was too late.

So to begin, I was forty-eight years old when I started writing this book, and I didn’t even know the first thing about how to write it. To be honest with you, I have not even read many books throughout my life. So why start now, knowing I have a greater chance to fail, never finish, or even worse yet, finish it and not be able to give them away? You surely do not want to read those words in a book you just started. Sorry, but you have to start with something as an opener.

So the real question is this: Why are you still reading? Just maybe you will continue, and you’ll be as surprised as I will be in regards to how this all ends. Who knows? Maybe it will have a significant influence on you and make a difference in your life. Here goes nothing.

On this day, September 17, 2013, I will try to push, pull, or drag you to the end of this book. So what exactly do those three particular words mean? Read on, and you will find out. If you are ready for that change in your life—a chance for the better by working together as married couples—then continue reading and follow me. This book will also help with dating couples and engaged couples that are courting. I promise one thing. You will not be disappointed. It is time to sling some mud and get you dirty! The adventure is about to begin!

What made me realize that I was failing my dreams? What is stopping me from fulfilling my dreams? Do I even know what my dreams are? Can dreams come true? We all have asked ourselves these questions. These are all great questions for someone who does not know what the answers are, but I hope that we both know by the end of this book. Maybe you can get some of your questions answered just by hearing my stories.

If you are anything like me, then you are only an average Joe or Jane who has the same old routine every day without any substance or spice. Blah, blah, blah. That is what so many of us think of ourselves as we live life’s difficulties day by day. Just an average Joe or Jane! Routine, routine, and more routine! You are still reading! It sure is interesting to know that I can keep you intrigued this far into the book, which means I have succeeded at something already. Since you have been drawn this far into the race, then you may as well give it a chance and attempt to finish. If there is one thing I can promise you, it’s that there will be very troubling situations, emotional times, and parts that will be extremely hard to swallow, but it will be absorbing!

By now you are probably wondering, What is up with this title? This title, Pushing to Pull? Pulling to Drag?, has a very significant meaning, and I hope when you figure it out, you will ask these same two questions about your life as well.

So how and why in the world would anyone pick such a terrible title? It is not a classic title where you can guess what the book is about before you start reading. Just keep in mind that you need to learn these words if you want help with working together—not only with money but with everything. You could say that I am desperate for you to be interested, but the choice is yours.

It all started one day when I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I thought about titling my book So Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired in the beginning, but it just did not fit the circumstances or the reasons why I was so sick and tired. As a result, I searched for another title by drawing a mental picture of the actions of why I was so tired. What was I sick and tired of? Everything!

By this time, my life was very complicated and full of chaos. I could not get comfortable with having multiple trials going on all the time in my life, and I just wanted them all to go away. Nothing ever seemed to go right for me, not even on the good days. Unfortunately, that change for the better was not going to happen on its own when I wanted it. I had to work toward the solutions for the problems and not just let the problems resolve themselves spontaneously, not just let the flow of life continue without intention or purpose. That way of thinking eventually allowed me to hit rock bottom. I needed to look at myself closer because of the extreme situations God allowed me to go through. This case almost destroyed my marriage and everything that I had worked so hard to achieve. I needed security for my family, especially financial security. Yes, I almost lost it all because of those very thoughts and a lack of action on my part. I was at the end of my rope and about to fall. I hoped for drastic changes with minimal work. That proved to be a bad idea.