Marriage Trust Builders: A Practical and Biblical Guide for Strengthening and Restoring Trust in Marriage

By Ellen Dean

Almost everyone knows someone who has been impacted by broken trust in marriage. Perhaps it is you, a family member, a friend, or someone you are trying to help and guide. Marriage Trust Builders is about strengthening and restoring the trust in marriage. It is written to help the couples that are struggling because of weak trust in their marriages. It is also written to help marriages that have experienced broken trust. It provides guidance for the spouse who is hurting, the one who caused the pain, and also for those who are walking alongside to help.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: May 23, 2018
• ISBN: 9781973628798

Ellen Dean

Ellen enjoys writing fiction and non-fiction and is a highly regarded Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner (NLP MASC) and a Feng Shui Consultant who works with individuals, home owners, small businesses and some of the world's top business entrepreneurs.In early 2019 Ellen started Laughing Lion Designs. Her fun and fabulous designs are available to buy on Apparel and other merchandise at Spreadshirt and Redbubble. Check them out on her website.She has a wicked sense of humour . . . (you should hear her tale about being abducted by aliens!) . . . enjoys amateur dramatics, strumming her guitar, and making an exhibition of herself on youtube.com/ellendeanOn the serious side Ellen has a huge interest in metaphysics, especially remote viewing. She is a conservationist who actively supports our endangered orang-utans, and encourages everyone to support Mother Nature and do their bit to help sustain Planet Earth.Ellen is a Patron for Anxious Minds UK and former Patron for The Albert Kennedy Trust.Ellen's quote: 'Think Champagne, Drink Champagne'

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Endorsements

As a pastor, I have seen the sacred trust of couples broken in more marriages than I can count. Many times I’ve sought to help couples through a devastating breach of trust, only to struggle to find the pathway to healing. Finally, Ellen Dean has produced a resource that will provide the guidance many of us have been seeking. Not only does she bring a deep biblical understanding of what it takes to see the redemptive work of God when trust is broken, she also provides a clear pathway toward healing and restoration. I know of no other resource like this. Thank you, Ellen, for this great gift to us all!

Dr. Jeff Warren

Senior Pastor, Park Cities Baptist Church, Dallas, Texas

I am so grateful for this much needed guide that addresses this most painful of issues. Whether you are seeking to rebuild your marriage, doubting whether trust can be re-established or, like me, want to help couples who bring these painful stories my way, Marriage Trust Builders provides a biblical and realistic path for restoration and hope. I highly recommend it.

Jack Graham

Pastor, Prestonwood Baptist Church, Dallas, Texas

In today’s society, many marriages are struggling. A key component in many of the struggles is an erosion of trust. In her book, Marriage Trust Builders, Ellen Dean has captured the heart of trust issues in a marital relationship. She has provided a helpful resource to help build trust and companionship in marital relationships. Although there are many books on marriage, there is a lack of resources to lead a married couple on a journey of healing. Ellen has provided such a resource in this wonderful book. She goes directly to the heart of any marriage, which is the spiritual component. Marriage Trust Builders deals with pertinent Biblical passages which outline principles of restoration. The work is broken into three sections which helps the reader discover trust issues, begin the rebuilding process, and become aware of marital trigger points. Dean discusses vital topics in marriages, such as trust erosion, confession of sin, and self-awareness. The book is strengthened by case studies from Dean’s many years of practice in Biblical counseling and self-reflective questions for both spouses. Overall, this book is a practical, Biblically-sound resource for any marriage to build trust and thrive.

Dr. Greg Ammons,

Senior Pastor, First Baptist Church, Garland, Texas

I have known Ellen Dean for the last thirty years, and I admire and respect her ministry of counseling. This book will serve as a great resource to those who desire a Christian approach for healing and restoration of a weak or broken marriage. Ellen provides hope that with the Lord’s help, indeed healing and restoration can take place.

Gary Cook

Chancellor, Dallas Baptist University

There is not a more practical subject to address than marriage. I like how Ellen addresses the subject of marital trust in such a tender way. You will find hope on every page, as well as practical next steps for those seeking to restore, or help others restore their marriage.

Dr. Mark Dance

Director- LifeWay Pastors

In her book, Marriage Trust Builders, Ellen Dean does a remarkable job of addressing the issue of rebuilding trust in a marriage when trust has been broken. She writes from years of experience as a biblical counselor, anchoring her work upon God’s life transforming Word, in a spirit of gentleness and grace. The Lord is using this work to hold out hope to anyone or any marriage that is marred from broken trust. He is Faithful!

Steve Hardin

Campus Pastor, The Village Church, Dallas Northway Campus, Dallas, Texas

I have been made aware and personally observed the positive results issuing out of the counseling ministry of Ellen Dean for years. The principles in this volume are not simply theoretical; they have been beaten out on the anvil of intense personal involvement with thousands of couples. This is a book with practical truths we can all put a handle on and productively apply to our own lives and marriages. Woven through the pages, sometimes subtly, sometimes more obviously, is One and only One who is known as our Wonderful Counselor. Read it…and reap! After all, it is never too late for a new beginning!

O.S. Hawkins

President of Guidestone

Ellen Dean has provided an excellent resource for married couples to lead them through the journey of marital healing. Pathways that address heart issues, practical responsibilities and Biblical truth to discovering, rebuilding and restoring the foundation of trust that God desires in our marriages and our personal relationship with Him.

Neal Jeffrey

Associate Pastor, Minister of Pastoral Ministries, Prestonwood Baptist Church, Dallas, Texas.

I highly recommend to you Marriage Trust Builders by my friend, Ellen Dean. In her years of counseling married couples, dealing with a variety of issues and challenges, she has gleaned a great deal of wisdom and insight into these delicate and damaging situations that happen in a marriage relationship. Anyone who has a good marriage knows that it comes about with a great deal of work and commitment. This book can be an excellent tool in helping married couples navigate these potentially crippling situations.

Chris Liebrum

Director, Office of Texas Baptists Cooperative Program Ministry, Baptist General Convention of Texas

In a day when Christian marriages between a man and woman seem to fail, Ellen Dean points to critical strategies for couples to consider to build strong families. A healthy, strong, and enduring marriage is one of the best gifts parents can give to their children and grandchildren. Ellen’s book will help you give that gift.

Albert L. Reyes, DMin, PhD

President and CEO, Buckner International, Dallas, Texas

Ellen Dean’s prayer has been answered! She asked God for this book to give comfort and direction to those experiencing marriage challenges and both have been granted in Marriage Trust Builders. Her insights on trust as a critical component for healthy marriages are wise, engaging, practical, doable and grounded. Because this work gets to the heart of the matter in marriage while giving honest assessments laced with hope, her book will be a welcomed resource to share with people in my own pastoral ministry for years to come.

Dr. David Rogers

Lead Pastor, Arapaho Road Baptist Church, Garland, Texas

I’ve been blessed by Ellen Dean’s biblical counseling ministry, both for our family and as my primary source for referrals for our church family, for years. Her writing on restoring trust in marriage will serve as a resource for me as a pastor and a tool for use in ministry with couples. It captures what I appreciate about Ellen’s ministry. It’s practical, grace-filled, and uncompromisingly biblical.

Chad Selph

Senior Pastor, First Baptist Church, Allen, Texas

As a pastor, a great part of my counseling sessions are spent addressing family issues and concerns. Spouses who committed themselves in martial vows sometimes find out that the fairy tale of living happily ever after is often more challenging then they could have ever imagined. Misconceptions, broken trust, false expectations and all contribute to couples that were once happy end up hating and despising one another with a passion. By the time many of these couples enter my office, a great deal of damage in the marriage has already been done. And I am now in a position as the last ditch effort to help them put the shattered pieces of the once fairy tale turned horror story into something salvageable.

As I sit and hear from both sides through their arguments, harsh words, disappointments and anger, and try to make sense of the madness before me, I know that my task is to walk with these couples to make the best of a devastating situation. The book, Marriage Trust Builders, is a tool that can be used in various counseling sessions to assist couples in working through the hurt and pain to restore broken relationships. What this book presents is a biblical approach to helping couples see how God desires for them to work through their marriage crises and begin the rebuilding phase.

The book also is not only filled with biblical passages that help the counselor and the couple think about what God desires in marriage, but the practical stories and examples to help families understand that they are not the only ones facing challenges in marriage. The hope that the book brings out is that marriages can be rebuilt and love can be reestablished through hard work and commitment.

After reading parts of this work, I would suggest that every pastor read this book to help develop a framework in their marriage counseling sessions and also consider using the book in marriage seminars and retreats to help strengthen marriages within the church.

Chris Simmons

Pastor of Cornerstone Baptist Church, Dallas, Texas

I highly recommend this book. I have known Ellen and her husband, Bob, for almost a decade. It has been my privilege to serve as their Pastor. I have seen them display everything that Ellen writes in her book. They love and serve each other with integrity and grace. Ellen writes not just from her head but from her heart. She communicates not just on a theoretical level, but on a very practical and experiential level. Ellen references countless situations that couples face. As you read her book, you will begin to think that she has been closely observing your marriage, and you will also be convinced that the counsel she shares won’t just help your marriage, it will transform it.

Dr. Gary Singleton

Senior Pastor, The Heights Baptist Church, Richardson, Texas

Today, there are many books about marriage, but Marriage Trust Builders is unique. God has been using Ellen Dean for over 20 years to help hundreds of couples restore trust in their marriage. She uses a Biblical model of counseling which offers true hope and the power to change the lives of couples. Ellen and Bob Dean have been married over 40 years and have served in ministry together through these years.

Ellen has applied the insights that she has learned about the common obstacles and difficulties faced by couples with broken trust in writing this practical and Biblical guide. It is full of scripture and practical examples. It will be a help to any couple needing to strengthen the trust in their marriage. This book will be useful to pastors, counselors, and friends seeking to help struggling couples.

Dr. David W. Smith

Executive Director, Austin Baptist Association, Austin, Texas

In Marriage Trust Builders, Ellen Dean gives practical and essential guidance for the long and tough journey to reestablish the foundation of trust that every great marriage is built upon.

Steve Stroope

Lead Pastor, Lake Pointe Church, Rockwall, Texas

The process of healing from broken trust within a relationship is often messy, but with God as the author of your story, He can transform the situation into a beautiful mess. In this book, Ellen shares sage guidance on the process of restoring trust in a marriage while consistently and beautifully pointing the couple to Christ and His Word for ultimate healing of the relationship. Trust is a foundational element for any healthy marriage and this book will encourage and support couples toward building or rebuilding the bedrock of their marriage.

Katie Swafford M.A., L.P.C.-S., Ph.D. in Leadership, Director, Texas Baptists Counseling Services Connections Team

As have many others, I have been sending folks to Ellen Dean for marital counseling for years. The reason is simple. I have complete confidence in her ability to help folks. Her new book Marriage Trust Builders offers more of the Biblical, straight shooting, practical help that we have come to expect from her. Read it, and share it with your folks! You won’t be sorry! Thanks, Ellen!

Steve Swofford, Pastor

First Baptist Church, Rockwall, Texas

God’s word does not return void, and Marriage Trust Builders does not disappoint. Saturated in the Scriptures and seasoned with wisdom, Ellen not only identifies pressing issues facing couples in every season, but graciously points to solutions to better every marriage. Her years of counseling and love of God has produced a work that is both excellent and sure to benefit the body of Christ to the glory of God and the joy of your soul.

Dr. Adam Wright,

President of Dallas Baptist University, Dallas, Texas

Marriage

Trust

Builders

A Practical and Biblical

Guide for Strengthening and

Restoring Trust in Marriage

For Those Who Are Hurting and Those Who are Helping

Ellen Dean

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Copyright © 2018 Ellen Dean.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

All italics in scripture quotations represent author’s added emphasis.

ISBN: 978-1-9736-2881-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-2880-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-2879-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018905927

WestBow Press rev. date: 5/22/2018

Contents

Introduction

Part 1 – Discovery

Chapter 1 Becoming Aware

Chapter 2 First Steps

Chapter 3 Caught and Confronted

Chapter 4 Heart Conviction That Leads to Confession

Chapter 5 Disclosure

Part 2 – Rebuilding

Chapter 6 Confession

Chapter 7 Severing Wrong Relationships

Chapter 8 Repentance and Heart Issues

Chapter 9 Understanding the Emotions and Responses

Chapter 10 Forgiveness

Part 3 – Restoration

Chapter 11 Triggers and Temptations

Chapter 12 Accountability

Chapter 13 Protecting Your Marriage

Chapter 14 Investing in Your Marriage

Chapter 15 The Importance of Trust

Endnotes

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my precious husband, Bob Dean, for his many hours of listening, reading, editing, and praying with me as I completed this book. His endless encouragement and unconditional love are amazing blessings in my life. He is truly the most loving, patient, trustworthy, and Christlike person I have ever known.

Bob, I love you with all my heart.

Introduction

Most adults know someone who has experienced the pain and suffering resulting from marital trust being broken. Perhaps that someone is you, a member of your family, a friend, an acquaintance, or someone you have chosen to encourage and assist in some way as a result of broken trust in a marriage. Sadly, the problem is common and widespread.

When trust is broken in a marriage, it produces a unique set of emotions and factors that need to be addressed carefully and compassionately. It involves heartache on both sides and impacts many other people. It has far-reaching effects and long-lasting results. All these aspects need to be considered in the plan for care and growth.

In my counseling practice I see many marriages. Situations involving broken trust probably encompass more than half of them. Through the years, that has added up to hundreds of couples that I have worked with. The large majority of these couples have experienced healing and a renewed marriage because of God’s Word, His love, and His grace. The couples were willing to apply biblical instructions for restoration.

In working with these couples, I have not been able to find a resource that thoroughly engages couples and leads them through the journey of healing. The resources that I do know about often do not adequately address the heart issues, the practical matters, or the related biblical truths.

Needing a resource has resulted in my decision to write this book. This is not a perfect book, just as my counseling is not perfect. However, God is perfect, and He is the Wonderful Counselor. He loves every hurting person and marriage. The Bible is very relevant and practical. It provides the plan and solutions.

This book is divided into three parts. Part 1 deals with the discovery of broken trust and the emotional devastation that results. It explains taking the initial right actions, disclosing facts, confronting the offender, and listening to the Holy Spirit.

Part 2 begins the rebuilding process. It involves confession, how to sever wrong relationships, recognizing the heart issues, moving toward repentance, understanding the emotions of both spouses, and explaining the why and how of forgiveness.

Part 3 discusses the importance of being aware of triggers and temptations and how to stand strong against them. It also includes how to develop accountability, how to protect the marriage, and how to invest meaningfully in the marriage. The importance of trust is explained, and several specific avenues of application are addressed.

In referring to the spouse who has caused the breach of trust, I have used the terms unfaithful spouse and offending spouse. For the spouse whose trust was broken I used the terms faithful spouse, offended spouse, and hurting spouse. These terms are relating to the specific reasons and incidents that have hurt the spouse and the marriage. This does not imply unfaithfulness in all areas of life or faithfulness in all areas of life. The truth is that everyone is a sinner and sins at times. Everyone needs Jesus Christ as Savior and the forgiveness He offers.

Questions to Ask Regarding the Trust in Your Marriage

Below are some questions regarding trust in marriage. These can be used to assess and target areas for improvement. Each spouse can consider these questions personally and pertaining to his or her spouse. The questions can spark desire for growth and new direction in the marriage. The marriage deserves every effort to strengthen the commitment and trust.

Some Questions to Ask Regarding Yourself

• Do I live in a way that honors God and act with integrity and purity? Do I have a strong moral compass?

• Do I care about the needs and interests of my spouse and family?

• Do I follow through on agreements, commitments, and responsibilities?

• Do I control my emotions appropriately?

• Do my actions show my spouse that I want to be trustworthy in everything?

Some Questions