Depression Kidnapped My Wife: A Guide for Husbands Who Want to Help

By Bernardo Ng

Depression Kidnapped My Wife is an easy-to-read book for husbands, boyfriends, fiancs, husbands-to-be, and significant others who are interested yet puzzled on how to help their wives. Depression or major depressive disorder is a common, relentless, and many times devastating disease that affects around 14 percent of all women. It gets worse if untreated but can be completely resolved if treated timely and adequately.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 24, 2018
• ISBN: 9781984542366

Bernardo Ng

Dr. Ng is a Medical Doctor who completed training in Psychiatry in 1994. He spends most of his time providing direct patient care. He has worked in different clinics and has developed a special interest in helping women with depression, because he identifies, the role of women in society as one of the most important and challenging in our days. He noticed that women who enjoyed the best support from her significant other, were the ones with better results in treatment. So, he engaged in writing this book to promote a better understanding of womens depression, and providing tools and skills to husbands who want to help.

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Copyright © 2018 by Bernardo Ng.

Library of Congress Control Number:               2018908651

ISBN:                       Hardcover                978-1-9845-4235-9

                                 Softcover                   978-1-9845-4237-3

                                 eBook                        978-1-9845-4236-6

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 07/23/2018

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Contents

I Why A Book For Husbands?

II The Key Chapter

III Why A Book Of Depression In Women?

IV So What Is Depression?

V Why Is It More Common In Women?

VI Signs And Symptoms Of Depression

VII What Are The Complications Of Depression?

VIII How Do I Know That My Wife Is Having

Depression And Not Something Else?

IX Healing Biologically

X Healing Psychologically

XI Healing Professionally

XII Healing Spiritually

XIII Healing Within Your Family And Your Social Group

XIV Healing As A Couple

XV What About Same-Sex Couples?

XVI What About Treatment Failures?

XVII Risk Factors

XVIII Can My Children Inherit My Wife’s Depression?

XIX Watch Out! You May Also Get Depressed

XX Glossary

For

Bernardo, Adolfo, and Frida,

my ongoing source of inspiration

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

T HE IDEA OF this book first came to mind during the early years of my very busy private practice in Imperial, California. As in other practices similar to mine, I had more women than men seeking my services and becoming worried for running into unsuccessful results. In my search for reasons for these bad results, I found that one of the problems was the husbands having such a hard time with the entire idea of having their wives going through depression.

I want to thank all comments and criticisms from colleagues and friends, with whom I would discuss the idea of this book; those who criticized the manuscript; and all those who gave such encouraging feedback: Barbara Parry, Manisha Madhoo, Alvaro Camacho, Cruz Lopez-Castleberry, Lorena Mendez, Joel Dimsdale, and Maressa Pyle. Most of all, I want to thank Nancy Colimon, my friend, girlfriend, colleague, and soul mate who incessantly insisted that I had to finish this book, and thanks to her support, it got done.

Read these quick recommendations only if you need information immediately. You must be suspecting that your wife is suffering from depression, and you feel like you’re in a hurry to learn important material. You can also go to chapter 2, the key chapter, which offers a guide of the entire book. It will help you decide where you want to go next to find the most useful information for you.

Very important though, do not delay any treatment or doctor’s visit for your wife because you want to read this book first. Furthermore, keep in mind that this book does not replace the advice and/or work of a medical professional and much less that of a psychiatrist.

QUICK RECOMMENDATIONS

Before any diagnosis is made,

1. listen to your wife;

2. be patient but not condescending;

3. communicate your concerns and observations in a clear and gentle way;

4. encourage her to seek help from a professional;

5. remember that depression is a medical condition and the diagnosis must be made by a medical professional;

6. help her get over the fear of seeing a psychiatrist—this is a medical doctor with a specialty, like an eye or a heart doctor; and

7. if you suspect that marital issues are contributing to her depression, offer her to call a truce until she is better so that you can work together on your marriage.

At the doctor’s visit,

1. get her permission to accompany her to the doctor’s visit,

2. support her if she prefers to see the doctor by herself during that first visit,

3. help her be comfortable when giving the information asked by the health professional, and

4. feel free to express your concerns, but make sure she does most of the talking. Her concerns may be different than yours.

After the diagnosis has been made,

1. get educated and get informed,

2. get over the fear and concerns of what people will say,

3. prepare yourself to join her in facing the unfortunate stigma of being diagnosed with depression,

4. be positive and transmit to your wife that depression gets better with the right treatment,

5. spend more time looking for solutions, and

6. spend less time looking at what she does wrong.

If medication is prescribed,

1. understand what the medication is for,

2. take time to read about side effects,

3. initially review the most common side effects with your wife,

4. hold off on going over the entire list of side effects from the start as this can be overwhelming,

5. keep in mind that medication is not going to take care of everything,

6. more than one treatment strategy is usually needed (e.g., counseling, exercise),

7. refrain from asking every single day if she took the medication,

8. protect her from family members or friends who may discourage her from taking medication,

9. support your wife if she is embarrassed about taking medication,

10. be with her if she experiences side effects,

11. help her remember that change will not be immediate,

12. remind her to stay on the medication even if she feels better,

13. only her doctor knows when it is safe to stop medication,

14. help her decide if medication should be stopped in case side effects are too much to tolerate,

15. help her locate her doctor if treatment-related questions arise, and

16. accompany her to her doctor’s visits, as many times as you can.

For follow-up visits and ongoing activities,

1. use your FMLA benefit (her doctor should be able to help you);

2. get into the role of activities, such as being with the children, grocery shopping, or any other activities where you can help ease her burden. Keep in mind this will only be temporary;

3. promote healthy behaviors at home;

4. help her keep track of appointments (i.e., psychiatrist, therapist, laboratory, gym, or yoga classes);

5. watch the children if needed so that she can be on time for her treatment visits;

6. attend visits with her when requested by the health professional;

7. if you see her getting worse, do not hesitate to ask about feelings of worthlessness and guilt or death wishes (these are part of the illness, and talking about them usually helps. Not talking can make them stronger and evolve onto suicidal ideation. Suicide is a serious and fatal complication); and

8. remain hopeful.

CHAPTER ONE

WHY A BOOK FOR HUSBANDS?

A RE YOU READY, sweetheart?

Can you just leave me alone? I will tell you when I’m ready.

OK. Just wondering. I just don’t want you to get upset later on with traffic and all.

Sure, so if at the end we are late, it will be all my fault, right?

No, I didn’t say that. After taking a deep breath, the husband replies, It’s OK, baby. I just want us to have fun, OK? Take all the time you need.

Does this sound familiar to you? Are you puzzled, frustrated, or frankly angry? Does it feel as if you no longer know what to expect the next time you see your wife? She has become a different person in many ways. You now think things twice before you speak because you do not know if she will get angry, cry, or simply shut down for the rest of the day or, worse yet, for several days. The conversation narrated above actually happened. It was shared to me by one of my patients whom you and I will know as Diane from here on.

There is a chance that, just like Diane’s husband, whenever you try to make plans like you did before, she gets bothered by your wanting to control her or she feels that you do not consider her input, and in the end, she is not ready the time she said she would be or she fails to be prepared as expected. It may be that she finds it boring to participate in activities that you both enjoyed just six or eight months ago, so it makes you think before inviting her to do anything together. You hesitate to plan things with the children as she may complain that you want to have fun but you do not help her enough in caring for them or keeping the house. But on the other hand, whenever you try to help, she gets offended because you make her feel inadequate.

Even worse, you are uncertain about making any sexual advances because it bothers her every time you suggest it, or if she goes along, she makes you feel like she is doing you a favor. You have tried getting her gifts, but nothing pleases her, or on the other hand, she criticizes you for spending money unnecessarily or for maybe spending too little.

The most important thing is, she was not like this just a few months ago. Before this started, your wife was her regular self—the one you met and decided to marry at one time. Now you only see traces of her real self attempting to manifest through this sea of dark moods and a persistent sense of failure.

In this book, I will explain what your wife is going through. I will address why—from being a stable and productive person with whom you got along just fine a few weeks or months ago—she has turned into someone hard to understand or get along with, someone frequently upset, and at the same time, someone frail, vulnerable, and silently crying for help.

It is possible that you got this book because you suspect your wife is depressed or because she has already been diagnosed with major depressive disorder—as we health professionals identify depression. Well, I will explain in an easy-to-understand and straight-to-the-point way what depression is and how it is to be depressed, which, by the way, it is not easy at all.

More importantly, it will finally make sense to you how the behaviors and actions shown by a person going through depression—in this case your wife—are actually a reflection of a serious alteration of the brain.

So why a book for husbands? The short answer is because it is needed. The longer answer, however, is based on the fact that by nature, men are less likely to reach out for help. Issues like stigma, insecurity, machismo, and embarrassment prevent men from reaching out and asking for help, and these make it hard for men to offer help. Even with the best intentions, men frequently get stuck, not knowing where to start, while it is much easier for women to care for others. Dr. Louann Brizendine’s book The Female Brain explains it this way:

Being able to be there during emotionally difficult times is hard-wired into women, which is why they are often baffled by their husbands’ inability to sit with sadness or despair. One study showed that newborn girls, less than twenty-four hours old, respond more to the cries of another baby—and to human faces—than do boys. Girls as young as a year old are more responsive to the distress of other people, especially those who look sad or are hurt. Men pick up the subtle signs of sadness in a female face only 40 percent of the time, whereas women can pick up these signs 90 percent of the time. And while men and women are both comfortable being physically close to a happy person, only women report that they feel equally comfortable being close