Your Post-Divorce Journey Back to Yourself (For Men): A Guide to Healing from Divorce

By Daryl G. Weinman

No one walks into a marriage thinking that it will end. Spouses talk about their futures together, growing old together, where they may want to retire, places they want to visit someday, their hopes and dreams and goals for themselves and for each other. When the marriage ends, there is generally a feeling of failure that goes along with it. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, and we all know that we have to work at it to keep it together. If it ends, does that mean we didnt work hard enough? Didnt try hard enough? Didnt do enough to keep our spouse happy? What went wrong? Why couldnt I make it work? Why couldnt I fix the problems? These feelings are so common, especially among all of the overachievers out there who believe they can accomplish anything and fix anything if they just try hard enough.

Recognize that life is not fair and accept that reality. However, also recognize that sometimes it is not fair in your favor. Imbalance sometimes tips toward you and sometimes away from you. Dont dwell on the times when it feels like the world is against you; instead celebrate the times when everything seems to be going your way. Take responsibility for your own happiness. If anyone intrudes on your happiness, recognize that it is your own fault for allowing it to happen. No one can make you feel any particular wayyou control your own feelings and reactions. You choose how you will handle any particular situation. You can wallow in self-pity and wither away, or you can learn from a negative experience, grow from it, and become a better, stronger, and happier person. Accept responsibility for your own future; it is all on you now, and if you dont take responsibility for it, no one else will.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jul 31, 2017
• ISBN: 9781546201694

Daryl G. Weinman

I grew up in New City, NY, the oldest of three sisters. I graduated from Clarkstown North HS in 1984 and went to Colgate University. I didnt know what to do after college, so I started my own computer graphics company out of my apartment, while also working part-time for my fathers Hardwood Flooring company. After a year and half, I had a few clients, but wanted some regular work. I landed a job on Wall Street with J.P. Morgan in their Mergers and Acquisitions Department doing graphics and presentation support. While there, in the fall of 1990, I started law school at night at New York Law School. After a year on Wall Street, I decided that Wall Street, NYC and Corporate America were not for me. I wanted to be in a place that was not as cut-throat competitive, that was slower, friendlier and warmer. I also wanted to focus on a more personal type of law than corporate. My parents were divorced when I was 14, and even though it was an amicable divorce it had a strong impact on me. I decided that I was much more suited to family law and that became my focus in school. I stayed three more years in NY, before choosing my new home in Austin, Texas, in the summer of 1993. I did my last semester of law school at the University of Texas in Austin. One of my courses at UT Law School was a clinic where I acted as student attorney in Child Protective Services cases. During one of those cases, I met an attorney, KC Anderson, who later became one of my closest friends. At that time, I also started looking for a job. In December 1993, I was hired by a prominent family law attorney as his first associate, who told me to study hard for the bar (that I was registered to take in February 1994) and to start work on March 1. Sadly, while I was studying for the bar in January, that attorney passed away and I never got the opportunity to work with him. I took the bar in both NY and Texas in February 1994. While I was waiting on my results, I began looking for work again. I sought advice from a local judge who I had appeared in front of as a student attorney. She surprised me and told me that I should open my own practice. I couldnt imagine going out on my own straight out of law school, but she encouraged me and told me that she had confidence in me. I passed the bar in May 1994 and decided that I had nothing to lose by trying it on my own, so I did. KC and her husband (who was a prominent criminal attorney) and their friends helped me tremendously. They sent me small cases and they mentored me and advised me every step of the way. I know that I could not have done it without them. In April 2004, my stepdaughter, came to live with us full-time, making me a full-time mother / step-mother of three children. In 2011, I went through the unfortunate experience of divorce myself. It gave me new perspective in my practice. Although I thought I understood the emotions involved, I learned that I couldnt truly appreciate the roller coaster of emotions that are involved, nor the long-term healing process until I had to experience it for myself. It was much more difficult than I had ever imagined. I have found that each experience in my life has given me new perspective. Although I deal in all aspects of family law, the primary focus of my practice is on divorce and/or custody cases. When I first began as a family law attorney, I had the perspective of the child of divorced parents. Then when I married, I was able to add in the perspective of what married life is like how it takes work and can be difficult at times. At the same time, I became a part-time stepmother these experiences helped me come come up with creative solutions for my clients. After having lived through the emotional roller coaster of divorce myself, I have one more common experience. With all that I have experienced, I can offer realistic advice on what my clients can expect during and after divorce. I can now also present my cases in court from a very personal perspective

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© 2017 Daryl G. Weinman. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 07/27/2017

ISBN: 978-1-5462-0170-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-0169-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017911632

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Chapter 1   What Is a Marriage?

Chapter 2   Feelings During Separation and Divorce Process

Chapter 3   Post–Divorce Phases of Social Life

Chapter 4   When You Realize You are on Your Own

Chapter 5   Take Care of Your Mental Health

Chapter 6   Support System

Chapter 7   Take care of your financial future and your relationship with your kids

Chapter 8   Co–Parenting

Chapter 9   Learning Effective Communication

Prologue

Ultimate goal: Find your authentic self—find what makes you happy, gives you flow. Find a life for yourself where you are comfortable and complete by yourself without a woman in your life. Only then will you be ready for a truly healthy and happy relationship if that is what you seek, and if not, then a truly content future with just your own fantastic, happy self.

What is your authentic self? If you’re anything like most newly divorced men, you’ve probably lost yourself somewhere along the way. Remember the guy who laughed? The guy who was fun to be around? Remember the guy who liked to do new things—whether it was finding a new path to hike on, writing because you enjoyed it, taking a class because it sounded interesting? Yeah, that guy. Find him again. He’s still in there, he’s just been in hibernation mode for a bit. Make new friends—it’s easier than it sounds. Meet people who have the same interests as you—join a gym, a wine–tasting club, or hiking club. Enough of your time has been wasted being unhappy. Now is the time to rediscover yourself. And if you have young kids, no worries. Join up with a group that includes kids. Allow them to see the fun dad that they need and probably are missing, too. No more time in the chair or in bed feeling comatose with a the remote attached to your hand. Get out there and find yourself—I bet you’re an amazing person!

Recognize that life is not fair and accept that reality. However, also recognize that sometimes it is not fair in your favor. Imbalance sometimes tips toward you and sometimes away from you. Don’t dwell on the times when it feels like the world is against you—instead, celebrate the times when everything seems to be going your way. Take responsibility for your own happiness. If anyone intrudes on your happiness, recognize that it is your own fault for allowing it to happen. No one can make you feel any particular way—you control your own feelings and reactions. You choose how you will handle any particular situation. You can wallow in self–pity and wither away, or you can learn from a negative experience, grow from it, and become a better, stronger, and happier person. Accept responsibility for your own future—it is all on you now and if you don’t take responsibility for it, no one else will.

Albert Einstein: I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be.

Chapter 1

What Is a Marriage?

If you’re reading this book, chances are that you are recently divorced, that you are going through a divorce, or that someone you love is going through it. So, how did we get here? How did one of the happiest times in our lives turn sour, grow bitter, and eventually end? No one gets married, makes a lifelong commitment to another person, shares their heart and soul with the thought that it will eventually end; yet more than half of all marriages in the U.S. end up in divorce. How does that happen?

We all want to love and be loved. We want to feel wanted, safe, secure, and grounded. When we find the person who we believe will be by our side forever more, who gives us those wonderful feelings of security and happiness, when we make a lifelong plan to be together till the end, what happens when all of that suddenly disappears (or gradually fades away)? It’s sad, scary, and lonely all at once. We either feel like the rug has been yanked out from under us, or we feel like we failed. And now we have to start life all over again, only we’re not as young, or attractive, or optimistic as we used to be. And maybe this time, we have kids who are looking to us to figure out how to go forward. While we are spiraling to figure how to create a new life and a new future for ourselves, they are looking to us to figure it out for them too. How will we begin again? What will this new life look like? How will we survive?

Let’s start from the beginning: what is a marriage in the first place?

From a legal and technical standpoint, marriage is a contract between three parties: the husband, the wife, and the state. Each of these parties has certain minimum requirements that the others must meet before they get married and they all have some very specific expectations. Unfortunately, the requirements and the expectations are not always the same for all involved, and they are not always communicated very well to the others either.

When two people decide that they are ready to get married, they often choose not to have the difficult conversation about their specific fears and expectations – after all, a conversation like that could ruin the moment and take away from the romance. However, without having that conversation and without learning about the other person’s fears, ideas, and expectations, there can be some unhappy results later, when the romance starts to fade.

Let’s look at each of these parties individually.

The state: The state’s requirements and expectations are pretty basic and pretty clear. In order to be legally married, you have to obtain a marriage license and in order to obtain that license, you have to meet that state’s legal requirements. The requirements vary from state to state, but in general, you have to be of age to consent (18, unless you have permission from your parents to marry earlier, which in some states can be as young as 14), you have to be competent to make a contract (you must not be legally incompetent due to a mental defect), you can’t be under the influence of drugs or alcohol at the time of marriage (which is why all states have a waiting period from the time of licensing to the time of the wedding – usually about 72 hours, to give the parties time to sober up), you can’t be legally married to someone else, you can’t marry a close relative, and in some states (like Texas) you have to prove that you are current on your child support obligation before you can get a license. Once married, the state will confer certain benefits to you, like allowing for joint tax filing, allowing for family insurance coverage, allowing automatic inheritance rights, the right to consent for medical treatment, etc. During the marriage, however, there is only one requirement that the state requires of the parties: the spouses have to financially support each other’s basic needs (food, clothing and shelter) so that the state doesn’t have to bear that burden.

Husband and wife: This is where the huge differences between men and women come shining through. Men and women each have very different reasons that they make the decision to marry – and they have different expectations and different goals. These differences are not always well communicated or understood by the other person and I believe this is the main reason marriages fail.

There are lots of reasons people get married: Companionship, social pressure, financial support, to have children and create their personal vision of a family, etc. Generally, people get married because they feel they are ready to get married or they no longer want to be alone. However, I think that most often it is all about timing. Like the song says: if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. If you haven’t met your ideal mate at the time you’re ready to settle to down, maybe the girl you’re with is good enough.

Often both men and women get to a point where they feel they have reached an age where they want to settle down, be in a permanent relationship, maybe start having kids, start combining households and income, and be settled into a committed forever relationship. Sometimes, they just want their family and friends to stop asking them when they are going to settle down and get married. Sometimes they worry that if they don’t get married soon, they will end up alone for the rest of their lives. If they get to this point, they may look at the person they are with at the time this realization hits and say to themselves, She is good enough – I’m ready to be married and I love her enough. They may be feeling pressure because their friends and/or siblings are all getting married and having kids and they feel the need to be part of that social structure. Women may feel that their biological clock is ticking. Men sometimes feel that if they’ve been with the same woman for a while, it may be time to "do the right