My Beautiful Trauma: Trauma Can Either Make or Break You

By Daciana

She was adopted from Romania in 1990 at a few months old, was rejected by her adoptive family, was diagnosed with SLE (lupus), underwent severe treatment, and was later on diagnosed with more health conditions. She suffered a stroke at twenty-two. She was diagnosed with other various illnesses. This is her journey of trying to figure out her belonging from a broken upbringing.

When she tells people her story, she’s always told that she has a lot of resilience, but she has never understood what it means. According to the Oxford Dictionary, resilience means “the capacity to recover from trauma.” Her life has been full of events that will challenge and inspire many!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris NZ
• Release date: Oct 15, 2018
• ISBN: 9781543495188

Daciana

Daciana is a fun, bubbly, creative writer living in Wellington, New Zealand surrounded by her supportive Urban Vision community family.

Book preview

MY

BEAUTIFUL

TRAUMA

Trauma Can Either Make or Break You

Daciana

Copyright © 2018 by Daciana.

Library of Congress Control Number:    2018911899

ISBN:                  Hardcover                        978-1-5434-9520-1

                            Softcover                          978-1-5434-9519-5

                            eBook                                978-1-5434-9518-8

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 10/15/2018

Xlibris

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

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CONTENTS

Origins

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

Part Seven

Part Eight

Part Nine

Woman

Part Ten

Psalm 77 poem is based on Footprints in the Sand

The Future

Chronic Illness explained:

SLE Lupus

Fibromyalgia

Hepatitis B

PTSD & Depression

Neurological Functional Disorder (NFD/FND)

Extracts from Romania’s Abandoned Children

Acknowledgements

Reference List

"One’s past, no matter how severe, should never dominate, nor control your future" - Dave Pelzer

When I tell people my story, I’m always told that I have a lot of ‘resilience’, but I’ve never understood what it means. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, resilience is defined as the capacity to recover from trauma. My life has been full of events that would have challenged many other people, and my story will hopefully provide you with a whole new meaning to the definition of ‘resilience’.

A chronic illness is ‘forever’ (with a few exceptions) and is often painful. And what accompanies it is fatigue, depression, and a number of other symptoms, depending on the specific condition. Chronic illness necessitates constant involvement with the medical community… Your life is changed, often dramatically. (Wright & Ellis, 2010, p. 17).

Origins

She’s sad, so softly spoken

Tall in stature, with long blonde flowing hair

Her smile that lights up the room

Though her eyes are hazel and gripped with the pain of poverty

She speaks like a Goddess

However we’ve never met.

I imagine how beautiful you are. My Grandmother

You are proud of your daughter who gave me life.

I’m wondering and imagining who and what my Grandmother was like.

PART ONE

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NICOLAE CEAUSESCU, THE Romanian communist dictator, ruled from 1965 to 1989, used the Romanian population’s money for himself, building mansions for his own pleasures. He also banned all forms of contraception to grow Romania’s economy, and finally lost his tyrannical grip on the country in 1989 (Nicolae Ceausescu Biography, 2017). Many young girls had to sell themselves as prostitutes in order for the family to survive during his tyranny, and their unwanted babies were sent to rough orphanages (Andronache, n.d.). The first eight months of my life were spent in an overcrowded, understaffed orphanage: the paint was falling off the walls, flies crawled all over babies who looked skeletal and malnourished. About three babies to a cot were left to cry and scream and sit in their own faeces all day (Nelson, Fox & Zeanah, 2014).

I stayed there until I was adopted by Isabel. This might sound like a fairytale beginning, but it was the start of a very unwanted life. Growing up I never felt I belonged anywhere. I was different, but I didn’t understand why. As I’ve grown up, and after much research, I have come to believe that my body has been having a continuous battle with itself, both psychologically and physiologically.

As an adoptee, I didn’t only lose my primary love object, my birth Mother, but I also lost part of myself and the sense of who I was (Nelson, Fox & Zeanah, 2014). I believe that when mental health is compromised by trauma in the early stages of life, it usually causes physical manifestations in the form of early adolescent development and/or chronic illness. This has been noted by Richard Sawrey, a friend and psychologist I interviewed while trying to understand more about brain development in adoptees. He states that cognitive, emotional development and attachment ability moderates emotion, which is significantly affected by the first few years of life and everyone needs the idea that they have a sense of belonging within the world, thus adoptees need healing from neglect many experienced while in an orphanage (Nelson, Fox & Zeanah, 2014). Richard also goes on to say, there is the idea of connection and belonging, we all strive for some sense of belonging in the world. There needs to be healing from adoptees who’ve experienced damaging circumstances of neglect. It’s important for adoptees to repair the scars and work through seeking that sense of belonging they strive for longing to discover who their biological family are and a sense of where they’ve come from. When adoptees are raised within a loving and healthy environment, they are able to develop new emotional and psychological pathways in the brain to become healthy, having the ability to build community around them, giving them a sense of belonging (Nelson, Fox & Zeanah, 2014).

Sadly this was not the path I was given. As well as having the stress of being adopted, and my first eight months being in an orphanage, I also had the stress of the abusive environment I grew up in. Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate Isabel for adopting me from the orphanage, but, I wasn’t sure if Isabel and Lauchlan loved me, the way I needed them to be, due to the horrific conditions at the beginning of my life, as I often felt rejected out of the ‘family’.

Isabel who was in