Dwelling Together: Rediscovering the Principles, Purpose, & Power of Marriage

By Myshica Martin and Shelton R. Martin Jr.

An online survey was conducted by Quora in which subjects of all ages were asked, “What is the need for and purpose of marriage?” Out of the 100 people surveyed, very few of them could offer a solid answer. Unfortunately, it speaks to our current conundrum as it concerns marriage; people are going to the altar to get married although they lack a biblical understanding of the the rules that govern it. In Dwelling Together, Shelton and Myshica candidly debunk some of the myths surrounding marriage with refreshing openness. They discuss their own marriage – the joys, the sadness, and the lessons they’ve learned along the way. They lightheartedly share the cold hard facts and insights they’ve gained from each challenge they’ve faced together. Shelton and Myshica masterfully provide a balance between the male and female perspective to help couples Dwell Together in love, peace, and passion.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 19, 2018
• ISBN: 9781546264354

Myshica Martin

Shelton Martin is the founder of Help Quarters, Inc. – a non-profit organization based in Atlanta, Georgia. He’s a graduate of Georgia Southern University with a bachelor’s degree in Computer Information Systems and is currently pursuing a master’s degree in Educational Leadership at Columbus State University. As a minister, Shelton mentors couples and hosts a weekly broadcast alongside his wife – Marriage with the Martins – where he and his wife teach couples and singles the principles and keys of marriage. As a former youth pastor and mentor, Shelton works with young people to empower and guide them to their best future. Myshica Martin is a nursing student at the University of West Georgia and operates her own health care business. She enjoys reading, spending quality time with her husband and children, and writing. Also a minister, she joins her husband weekly to teach couples how to achieve and maintain a love that lasts. She also mentors young people, couples, and singles. Shelton and Myshica reside in Atlanta, Georgia with their three children, Joshua, London, and Scotlin.

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© 2018 Myshica & Shelton R. Martin Jr.. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 10/18/2018

ISBN: 978-1-5462-6436-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-6435-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018912334

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. [Biblica]

Contents

Conventions

Introduction

Section I:   What Marriage Is Not

Section II:   What Marriage Is

Section III:   Understanding Purpose

The Benefits of Marriage

Marriage Seen as Partnership

The Goal of Marriage

Choosing the Right Partner

The Ties that Bind

My Husband is Human

Why Marriage Fails

What I Learned

Honoring Love… Loving Honor

The Principles that Govern Marriage

The Mechanics of Love and Marriage (Marriage 101)

A Husband’s Take

Section IV:   The Differences between Men and Women

Men and Women Are Simply Different

Differences Don’t Have to Destroy

A Husband’s Perspective

Family Dynamics

Get on the Same Page

Differences

Listen

Why We Are Different

Why All of This Matters

Section V:   What a Woman Wants

Section VI:   What A Man Wants

Section VII:  Dwelling Together

Acknowledgments

Endnotes

References

About the Authors

Dedication

We dedicate this book to our Lord and savior Jesus Christ who has been our teacher and guide. He has shaped our marriage into what it is today and continues to bless and uphold our union. It is our prayer that the words and wisdom written within these pages will help couples dwell together according to knowledge and understanding as they have done for us.

Conventions

Throughout the book the two standard sex symbols, the Mars symbol (male)♂ (represented by a shield and spear) will be used to differentiate the male voice (husband) and the Venus symbol (female)♀ (represented by a bronze mirror with a handle) will indicate the female voice (wife).

Introduction

♂ A few years ago, while strolling in a nearby park, my wife and I met a young, newly married couple. Eager for our advice, the two asked what we most appreciated about our marriage. I didn’t have to ponder the question for long and with little hesitation I told them that I’d asked God for a wife who because of her being in my life would cause me to go further and be better than I ever would have if I were alone or with someone else. Without question, my wife is the answer to that prayer. I would not be who I am or where I am today if it were not for her being by my side. Her presence has made and continues to make me a better man.

♀ I fought back tears as he shared and stealthily wiped away the few that managed to escape.

I didn’t want to seem like a copycat but honestly, I had no answer better than the one he’d just given; his answer was so in sync with my own; his sentiments, was exactly how I felt about him and my being in relationship with him.

I finally gathered my emotions enough to speak, I’m everything I am because he loved me. It was all I could muster in a moment like this, but as those lyrics rang through my head:

For all those times you stood by me

For all the truth that you made me see

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my eyes when I couldn’t see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach

You gave me faith ’cause you believed

I’m everything I am because you loved me (Dion)

I was certain that they were the only lyrics needed to describe my marriage.

We both have lived these lyrics. We have this type of love; a love that has healed, restored, and repaired us but most importantly, one which represents the richest blessings of all, a marriage that continues to reveal what the unwavering love of Christ looks like.

This union had made us better and offered to us the realization that a good marriage isn’t just to have great sex, or produce godly offspring, but it serves to have a personal cheerleader that will be on the sidelines cheering us along when all the other fans had cleared the stands.

♀ My husband is my best friend, greatest supporter, fiercest critic, and number one fan. Through job loss, child loss, home loss, and all the losses life has thrown, he has been my strength when I was weak, my voice when I couldn’t speak. He has been my eyes when I couldn’t see and saw the best inside of me. Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach, gave me faith when I couldn’t believe. I am everything I am because he loved me.

♂ And coincidentally, my wife has been the same for me. So many times, her belief in me pulled me from the trenches of despair. As she said, we’ve suffered unspeakable loss and faced down giants that threatened our resolve. We have lived, and we’ve lost but most importantly we have loved fiercely and with great commitment.

Our problems, frustrations and our inherent differences could have certainly been enough reason for us to leave this union—people do it all the time—and doing so might have even meant a less complicated living space, but it also would have meant being without the person who knew everything about us and yet loved us still. We each had committed our life to another who would in turn help us to realize our own. We’ve found in this union what few ever experience: the beauty of two becoming one.

We wanted to write this book for many reasons; the most paramount reason is because marriage has been good to us. It has been a deeply satisfying, and enduring partnership that has made and continues to make us better people. It has made the harsh edges of life a little softer. It has brought joy, hope, and laughter when days were hopeless. But the second reason, and one most don’t talk about openly, is the reality that having something this successful isn’t nor has it been easy and is not something to rush into unadvisedly.

It takes skill, knowledge, understanding, and wisdom to have a have a successful marriage. We hope that our insights provide a greater understanding of this institution as well as the benefits and challenges that come along with it.

Dwelling Together is our beautiful story of life, love, and the pursuit of purpose; it is a real look into the journey of marriage and a much-needed discussion of what real love and marriage looks like.

What is The Purpose of Marriage?

An online study was conducted by Quora, in which subjects of all ages were asked What is the purpose of marriage? Answers ranged from great sex, to friendship, to marital arrangement for purposes of business. Out of the one hundred people surveyed, one comment stood out most; the surveyor writes, "In this day and age, many people do seem to get married without actually thinking about or truly meaning the vows they swear to carry out. It’s sad because marriage is a sacred thing and shouldn’t be taken lightly. There are so many divorced every single year and that may be because you shouldn’t just marry someone without really knowing them or being certain. Before getting married, one should probably take time to get to know of their partner, this could and usually does take years. And many people just don’t seem to wait long enough. Marrying on impulse should never be the priority because it mostly always ends in disaster. However, this is up for dispute and it depends on how the individual feels."

She’s right; unfortunately, society has muddied the waters when it comes to knowing the true meaning of, and reasons for marriage, and one of the most fundamentally flawed ways to distort the real purpose of marriage is through ignorance, and not just ignorance but our unapologetic allegiance to ignorance. If we can reverse our ignorance, we can reverse our experience. And as incredible as it might seem, we can no longer assume that people in our culture understand what the purpose of marriage is; nor can we assume they understand the Biblical rules that govern it.

There are certain facets of life where ignorance is banned because of the danger it poses. As the surveyor noted, knowledge is that facet of life. Before someone is hired for a position, the company usually screens and interviews candidates to see if they have the right qualifications for the job. The company wants to be sure they not only have book knowledge but want to be sure they have working knowledge as well—the skills, reflexes, and special-perception to perform the job. If not, the unknowledgeable, unskilled employee will leave work undone or improperly done, destroy the team, and hurt the bottom line. The same is true for new drivers; an unprepared driver at best breaks a few minor traffic laws but at worst, gets himself or others killed.

But there is an area of life where people are allowed not to be knowledgeable, taught, tested, and trained, even though not being good at it causes so much pain and anguish to men, women, children, businesses, and the like.

That area is marriage!

To be married nowadays, all one must do is to love someone; say they want to be with them forever; sign some papers, and there it is—We’re married! The problem is that not many people know the struggles and challenges marriage presents, and worse, they must figure out how to work things out as they go along. Sometimes they win, sometimes they don’t. The wins are beautiful and passionate; the losses can leave people severely damaged, scarred, and broken for life.

We want to avoid that at all cost.

When it comes to marriage, there is so much that couples don’t know. Like nearly all the marriages that have come before them, they just rely on their love, passion, and their best judgment and just go for it. There are abundant books, resources, and pre-marital counseling available to help couples, but the prevailing mindset toward marriage is that these resources aren’t necessary. This is a lie, and one of epic proportion.

You can’t just wing it. You must be purposeful in choosing a partner who will help to define your entire life. Don’t rely on reality TV for the manuscript; don’t even rely on what you see other people do in their relationships. It’s the easy thing to do, but it is especially detrimental because no one wants to admit they aren’t good or knowledgeable about how to maintain and cultivate a great relationship, so they go with whatever they know, and feel is right at the moment. People feel as if they are supposed to instinctively and automatically know how to be a good spouse, so they don’t seek to learn from qualified sources. They’ll just listen to what their friends and family say even if these acquaintances have been lacking or unsuccessful in their relationships. They will copy what they see other couples do, or they say things to their partner they heard other couples say even if it isn’t right. The thing is, many people simply don’t know what to do when situations arise because they’ve had little or no purposeful, preparative education, and training on relationships. They end up having to default to what seems right in the moment and the current situation based on the limited things they know, and it almost always ends in disaster.

Not knowing the purpose of marriage is the equivalent of a businessman not knowing his mission. The mission (or the purpose, in this case) drives you toward success, and helps you to endure terrible days because of the end goal.

You need to know that where purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable. In no area is that statement most applicable than in marriage.

Purpose considers the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. It always solves a problem.

Therefore, the primary purpose of the marriage covenant between a man and a woman is a comprehensive and permanent commitment ordained by God to provide believers with a picture of Christ’s love and relationship to His church.

Section I

WHAT MARRIAGE IS NOT

Take a moment to look at these polls.

Table 1

image001.jpg

Table 1 gives a comprehensive overview of what the average person believes the purpose of marriage to be. 54% of singles believe the purpose of marriage is a mark of commitment. 15% of the same subgroup believe it to be the best environment for raising children as opposed to 57% and 25% respectively from the married people polled. And lastly 28% of singles believes marriage