Centered Peace: How to Get It and Keep It

By Clavel Nelson

In Centered Peace: How to Get it and Keep it, a vivid portrayal of life’s struggles is discussed like never before. This is spot-on for younger and older adults alike. Busyness, rampant fear, deep pain, and constant confusion are discussed. Nelson’s memory of growing up, running around barefooted, and feeling carefree is overshadowed by activities from her childhood neighborhood. She is not phased by this, however, because she eventually learns that her constant feeling of not fitting in, losing her brother at a young age, and dealing with despondency, were seeds for her determination, courage, resilience, and inner peace. Centered Peace: How to Get it and Keep it, includes fun exercises and simple strategies. The importance of righting relationships, recognizing your power, and using music to find and keep your peace is discussed. Nelson’s message is simple but powerful.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Dec 30, 2018
• ISBN: 9781984572653

Book preview

Part I

OBSTACLES

Chapter 1

BEING BUSY

I’ve gotten older, but I’m still learning new things. I have different roles, and sometimes it seems like I’m playing them all at once. I’m a daughter, wife, mother, sister, aunt, friend, and coworker. It’s easy to see how I could be torn in different directions. It’s probably the same for you. We are busy trying to fulfill our daily tasks so we can put check marks on our to-do list. And before we close our eyes at night, we think about all the things we have to do for the next day and how we are going to tackle them. So much to do in such a short time! We all have twenty-four hours in our day, and no matter how hard we try, we seldom get everything done. Or maybe that only happens to me. Here’s the thing: we will always have things to do. Always!

We all have twenty-four hours in our day, and no matter how hard we try, we seldom get everything done.

You might be thinking, what’s the big deal? Just prioritize your time; set specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, time-sensitive (SMART) goals; and stick to your action plan. Okay, that sounds good, but you and I know that it’s easier said than done. You know why? Because life gets in the way, always! I mean, time and time again, I say to myself, If only I could just focus on this one thing, everything would work out great. But as I reflect on my life and think about the things that I have accomplished and the projects that I am working on, it is becoming clearer that time is precious, and we are best served when we come into our own and become purposeful about the things that we want to see happen in our lives.

The more I thought about accomplishing goals, the more I became restless in my soul, because life situations were coming at me like a flood. Some of the questions I was asking myself were as follows:

What things would I like to accomplish?

Why do I need to accomplish them?

What benefits would I achieve from attaining these goals?

What sacrifices would I have to make?

Would other people—say, my children—benefit from my accomplishments?

These were great questions that caused me to take a deeper look at myself and my intentions. What about you—have you wrestled with how to make it happen?

What do you do when time seems to elude you?

You planned to save toward your dream car … You told yourself you need three years or maybe five. You’re at year 3, and you haven’t addressed the issue! You start asking yourself, where did the time go? You remember January 1 like it was yesterday, and now it’s Thanksgiving! Like the rest of us, you probably think about your daily activities and life situations several times during the year. And if it’s a sore point or a nagging issue, you probably think about it too much! I do. As I reflect over the past year, I often focus on the hardships and the triumphs that I experienced. So many twist and turns, so many new starts. Here are some thought-provoking questions that surfaced during my reflection:

Am I living my best life?

Am I living in each and every moment?

Have I become a workaholic, or a busy bee, so I don’t have to look at myself in the mirror?

I have missed out on so many wonderful things; I didn’t know how to enjoy the moment as it was unfolding. I was being a busy bee. Another way to look at our lives is to look at how we are spending our time. Are we carefree with our time, or are we spending it wisely? Does it matter, though? I think the important thing to consider, is who is impacted by our time, our life. Do we encourage and motivate others? Do we seek peace and conflict resolution instead of drama and grudges? Do we take time out of our work routine to get to know our coworkers?

In life, we take two steps forward then ten steps back, or at least it feels that way. I also realize that in life, when it rains, it pours. When bad things happen, they occur in succession, one thing after the next, and then the next, without a breathing space or a chance to think about our next move. You feel like you want to run, but even if you try to run away from these bad things, it’s like running in place, not going anywhere anytime soon.

Are we living our best life?

Are we living in each and every moment?

Have we become workaholics, or busy bees, so we don’t have to look at ourselves in the mirror?

But here’s the twist: are you ready?

When things begin to shift, we don’t even realize it until it has already happened. Ultimately, you realize that things are clearer only in hindsight.

We have only twenty-four hours in our day, and we need to sleep! So I suggest that you have a realistic to-do list and ensure what’s on the list are things that are important to you. Oftentimes, our list is crammed, and we overextend ourselves. If we continue to be in overdrive, we will burn out; and ultimately, we’ll realize that we were focusing on the wrong things. In the classic book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, author Steven Covey wrote,

How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most. If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster.

Want to ensure you’re leaning on the right wall? Look at how you’re spending your time. I have a good gauge on my time. But I must admit, it took me a very long time to develop it. Before I do any planned activity, I foresee it in my mind’s eye; this helps me to stay focused while I’m doing the activity. Planning your actions is important, but it’s not enough. You must be intentional and prioritize your activities.

My daughter Olivia always had a messy room, up to the day before she left for college. Most times, when I peeked in her room, she would be doing her homework, working on a class project or an assignment, or organizing an upcoming event with her friends. Sometimes I would become so frustrated about her messiness that I would say to her, Why can’t you just tidy your room? Or I wonder who you got this bad habit from? Let me paint the scene: she had things strewn across the floor and across the bed, and clothes were flying off the wall. Can anyone relate?

Many years ago, I came across an article that described the love a young woman had for playing her violin. The article described how she would practice on her violin before doing anything else—she would do it before she did her chores, homework, and even before eating her meals. That’s dedication! I said to myself, She’s prioritizing. Then suddenly, I felt as though I’d been hit with a ton of bricks! An epiphany had struck, and Olivia’s messy room came to my mind. She’s prioritizing! She’s intentional! She’s focused! In the end, her organized chaos paid off. She maintained honor roll, led several clubs at school, worked part-time, and she received a huge scholarship from the college of her dreams (I’m not bragging, but I’m just saying)!

We must prioritize because we don’t have enough hours in the day to complete everything on our to-do list. If we don’t, we will waste more time. As author Jeff Olson remarked, Slow down to go fast. Being busy is not being productive. I was chatting with a good friend recently, and we were talking about those dreaded house chores that we have to do all too frequently. I told her that I do not do chores every weekend. She asked me, why not? I told her that I was inspired by a poem I had read several years ago. I explained to her, the gist of the poem, how it encourages us to go outdoors and live our lives instead of worrying about having a showcase house. More importantly, any true friend would be happy to see you instead of scrutinizing your house. The poet stressed the importance of spending quality time with friends and family: take a trip to the mall, go to the beach, or walk through a nature trail. I got it the minute I read it! After a quick reflection, I realized that this poet was speaking to me. Very soon thereafter, I did house chores only three weekends per month. That fourth weekend is for my family and me to chill and catch our breath. It motivates me to plan family outdoor activities to fill this free time. It’s a fantastic treat that we look forward to. Needless to say, my children love the idea.

Being busy is not being productive.

My youngest daughter, Alexa, and I attended college info sessions and tours during her junior year in high school. Each tour guide touted Greek life and the many clubs to whet our appetite. We were amazed by the number of clubs—they had hundreds! Yet almost all the tour guides stated, If you have an interest that does not align with any of these clubs, you are welcome to start your own! I always chuckle after they say this. How many clubs do you already have again? If I were that prospective student, I know the club that I would start—the Sleep Club. After a restful sleep, you feel energized, strong, and more creative. Time is our friend. We should partner with it wisely so we can complete those important tasks that we set out to do.

Busyness is a time waster, and it can cost us dearly—personally, financially, and spiritually. According to author Carson Tate, We often fail to realize the price we pay for busyness, for accepting a way of life that is devoid of our most precious resources—time, freedom, and meaning. For educated, professional women, this idea might greet them as a slap in the face. After all, how else will they accomplish those things on their-to-do list? Being busy, of course! Busyness and workaholism may rob you of your soul if you allow it. I know we have to pay the mortgage or rent and tuition, buy food, gas, and more stuff. We have to meet our basic needs, no question, but are we killing ourselves in the process? As one oxymoronic quote reads, "We must go slowly, there’s not much time."

On a deeper level, are we being busy so we don’t have to deal with ourselves? Crazy busy is a numbing method that people use to run away from the truth of their lives, says Brené Brown, author and psychologist. This is done subconsciously, but we all numb our feelings. Life is painful, and may even seem unbearable sometimes; but in an attempt to numb the pain, we dull our experiences of love, joy, belonging, creativity, and empathy. Numb the dark, and you numb the light, Brown adds.

Another reason why we stay busy is because we really don’t want to stop and think things through. That would be time consuming and maybe frightening. Perhaps, if we slowed down, we would not know which way to go. Should I go to visit my aunt for a few days, or should I work the second job to pay the credit card bills?

If only things were black and white. They’re not. They’re mostly polka dots and stripes. For whatever reason, I save all my badges and IDs from past jobs in a large nightstand drawer. They serve as memorabilia that cause my thoughts to tumble into each other like flashbacks, forcing me to sit up straight! Many years ago, I too was chasing my tail. I was on about five or six people’s payroll at the same time. I completed a shift, caught a few hours’ sleep, and then I was literally running out the door to get to another job. I did many sixteen-hour shifts, and sometimes back-to-back! I didn’t know what it meant to slow down. But obviously, that has changed. I’ve slowed my roll, so I can go fast. Everyone has a hump day, and awful things happen out of the blue sometimes. Being busy might get us through our day, but you and I know that the real problem or situation will be unchanged. We must slow down. In order to know what’s important and what we need for our lives, we’ll have to find the cure for indecisiveness.

There’s no time for busyness here. Take a pause. Consider the following questions and jot your answers down:

What are the top three things that you would like to accomplish?

Why do you need to accomplish them?

What benefits would you achieve from attaining these goals?

What sacrifices would you have to make?

How would other people, like your spouse or children, benefit from your accomplishments?

Peace Pebbles

• Know what’s important to you.

• Ask yourself: How am I spending my time?

• Prioritize—be intentional and focused.

• Busyness is a time waster.

• Busyness and workaholism may rob you of your soul if you allow it.

• Time is your friend.

• If you want to save time, slow down.

Chapter 2

PARALYZED BY PAST DECISIONS

Trials are real, and you may become frightened, and even terrified when you decide to face them. Have you ever been tormented by an experience? If yes, how did things turn out? In situations like this, I’m sure you wished you had a crystal ball! I certainly did. I would start thinking about all the other scenarios that may have led to a different outcome. Remember those tests and quizzes that you had to do for math and language arts classes? Did you ever change the answers? Who hasn’t?

How many times? Many times! What was your discovery when the test was over and you and your classmates huddled around to discuss the questions and answers? Not all at once please: that your first answers were the correct ones! But instead of noticing the questions you got right, you focused on the ones you got wrong, especially the ones that you had changed the answers to.

The same thing happens in life.

For example: You are always on time, and sometimes even early for work, an appointment, picking up grandma from the airport. But today you are ten minutes late, and you are freaking out!

We ruminate on things by thinking what should or could have happened if we had done this or that. Do this often enough and you might feel as though you are going crazy. I still do not know why things happen the way they do. One thing I know: reality is what is happening, and we could ruminate or wish ourselves away, but it is what it is. Here comes the upper cut: why not this reality?

Is it too painful, too complicated, or too uncertain?

One thing I know: reality is what is happening, and we could ruminate or wish ourselves away, but it is what it is.

The question is, why not this reality?

We have to at least acknowledge our reality; only then can we make changes in our lives. For me, I have to pray my way through. I have to rely on God. He is my power source. This is what works for me. I also try to be kind, helpful, and thankful during these difficult times. I find this extremely hard to do, though, if I’m being honest. So, like the rest of you, I keep myself busy—no, useful.

Dwelling on the past is not going to get us where we want to be. When we’re driving, we pay attention to the road ahead. Can you imagine the myriad of things that would happen if we constantly looked behind us? We would be road hazards, we wouldn’t be able to afford auto insurance, and some companies would rightly refuse to insure us. Actually, our licenses would be revoked or suspended.

Stop looking in the rearview mirror!

Focus on where you want to go by first acknowledging where you are. Accept it as reality and then make your move. We cannot move forward if we are stuck in the past. You might be pondering your past actions and wishing you could roll back the hands of time. You might be saying, If only I had taken Park Avenue instead of Lucky Lane that hot summer evening, my life would be perfect. Would it? You don’t know that! No one knows what tomorrow will bring. I took Shoulda, Coulda, and Woulda with me on many strolls, and they could not provide me with any startling revelations. What do you have in your life right now that you are grateful for? What good things resulted from you taking the Park Avenue route? We could spend the next year doing the shoulda-coulda-woulda dance or recital, and absolutely nothing would change. You made your decisions at the time based on the information (or lack thereof) that you