The Invisible Mask: Moments with God

By Catherine Hope

Are you tired of feeling invisible and alone? There are few things worse than hiding behind an invisible mask with a fake smile, feeling unnoticed, unwanted, and desperately hoping that someone would notice the real you. Most of my life I struggled to fit in and to be accepted. I felt invisible and that I didn’t have a voice. Through my journey of finding acceptance and purpose, I wrote my prayers to God in the form of poems and wrote moments that I encountered a lesson learned or a struggle. I needed an outlet, so I wrote. What I didn’t expect was by doing so, I would find healing, acceptance, and love. I came to know of a loving Father who showed me that I wasn’t invisible, but loved by Him and had a purpose. God had a purpose for my tears and put it on my heart to share my journey with others. You deserve to be noticed, cared for, and valued. You are not alone but loved. My prayer is with this book others can and will find comfort and hope as my struggles point them to a Loving God, Savior, and Friend.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: May 9, 2019
• ISBN: 9781973659006

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Copyright © 2019 Catherine Hope.

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2019904047

WestBow Press rev. date: 5/8/2019

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CONTENTS

Dedication

Introduction

Just Being Honest

Why

Alone

Left And Forgotten

Oh, Child Of Mine

Mountains Valleys Pits And Storms

A Woman Of Influence

A Man Of Influence

God If I Ever Needed You It’s Now

Questions

I Have Your Back

Broken Pieces

A Moment In Time

Angel Unaware

Worry

The Christmas Gift

Prayer

People Pleaser

Please

Journey To Motherhood

Children

Temper Tantrum

Future

A New Chapter

A Man Named Randy

Don’t Cry

Looky Loo

Sin

At The Foot Of The Cross

The Bible

Take A Stand

The Lighthouse

Food For The Soul

Wings Like An Eagle

My Hidden Heart

Watchmen Of The World

My Sweet Baby

A Daily Prayer

My Beating Heart

He Softly Whispers

For The Good Of Those Who Love Him

A Soul Lost

The Little Old Lady And The Hummer

A Thanksgiving Prayer

The Struggle

God, You Are Awesome

On The Crazy Side

All I Am I Offer To You

Hope

A Long Night

The Rope

Choices

Geese Of A Feather Flock Together

Someone Prayed For Me

Unhindered Praise

Mirror Mirror

I Am

Moon Light

The Journey Through Life

I Sing To You Oh Lord

Loss

This Heart Of Stone

Going Through The Motions

Fall

My Prayer

God’s Calling

Deep Thoughts

Dear Child

Cut To The Heart

Even If

Behind The Scenes

You Deserve More

A Simple Thank You

You Are Everything To Me

Along Life’s Road

Not All Bad

Are You Religious

Because You Love Me

Change My Heart Oh God

Chase

Day Of Tears

Grace

A Helping Hand

The Next Forty Years

I Wait Upon You Oh Lord

Healing Heart

Just Call

Scrooge

Letting Go

Life Ever Changing

My Last Days

Life Thoughts

My Plea

Making Strangers Cry

My Little Angel

11-11-11 Reflection

In The Hands Of God

Turning The Music Back On

Dear God

On Bended Knees

Fearless And Focused

No

One By One My Tears Drop

Seasons Of Life

Paths

Perspective

Scars

Rainbow Of Life

When

When I Cry

Spreading His Word

The Tunnel

You Are All I Need

Parenthood

Fur Babies

My Marriage

True Love

Spiritual Warfare

The Brick

The Heart Issue

Thanks To You

Invisible

Beneath The Mask

Autopilot

A Baby So Small

Thank You, God

Easter Thoughts

Take My Hand

The Craziness Of Life

Sweet Memories

The Presence Of God

I Choose Love

Lemons Or Lemonade

Back From Alaska

Being A Parent Hurts

A Time For Everything

What No Rapture

The Sand Of Time

Spiritual Gifts

You’re Not Alone

Fingerprints

My Heart’s Cry

About The Author

DEDICATION

I want to dedicate this book to my mom, Ella May Duran, for teaching me how to be a strong woman who loves God. She showed me the meaning of true sacrifice.

I also want to dedicate this book to Sara Albertson, one of my former Sunday school teachers. She was one of the first to encourage me to publish this book. She noticed me when I felt invisible and believed in me. She may not be able to read the results, but she planted the seeds. Sara, you’re missed, but never forgotten.

INTRODUCTION

Being alone is difficult; feeling alone in a room full of people is even harder. Have you ever felt invisible or all alone? I know that I have. This book is about finding hope, taking off the masks we wear and discovering the truth that we are never truly alone; we are not invisible. We’re loved. God hears He sees, He cares, He knows, He answers, and most of all He loves.

Through my life, I have struggled to find out who I am. I want to be transparent and share my heart to all who read this. I have lived a hard life. A life filled with much heartache and pain, but through all those things I found a God that loves me and accepts me despite myself. I want to share His love with all who read this in hopes that they too will find a Savior that loves them and who will never leave them or forsake them.

This book is based on my prayers to God and what I believe are His answers. Throughout my life, I felt invisible and that I did not have a voice. Through the trials, and heartaches of my life, I have grown to know the love of God and to know that I am not alone. He has shown me that I am not invisible and that I do have a voice. Included in this book are short stories of how God did the impossible in my life, brought me out of my comfort zone, and challenged me to trust Him in every situation. God has shown me that I am not alone and that He will never leave me or forsake me. My prayer is through this book; you can and will find comfort and hope as my struggles point to a loving God, Savior, and Friend.

JUST BEING HONEST

For many years, I struggled to complete this book. It all started when my life was so out of control; I had no one to turn to or nowhere to go. My life was falling apart, and I hid behind a mask; living a life of invisibility. Sure, I had friends and family, but I thought no one would completely understand. I started writing because, to be honest, at times I couldn’t even pray. I needed an outlet, so I wrote. These writings began as pleas to God in the form of poems. What I didn’t expect was He would answer me in my heart as I was writing them. Not only did He hear me, but He met me where I was. The most amazing thing of all is God has met me with open arms, full of love, without judgment, or condemnation. Little by little when I wrote, I became filled with His love, hope, and a purpose.

My writing was a personal time I had with God. As I grew stronger in my faith, I noticed others who were hurting, and I had a desire to help them. I gave some of my poems to those I knew were hurting, which touched them deeply. My friends and others I gave my poems to suggested that I write a book. God had already put that thought and desire in my heart, but I was afraid if I did, people would see the real me and all my flaws. I was worried about what those who read this book would think. I spent most of my life learning to be invisible, and the thought of putting my heart out there frightened me. I continued to write now and then, but it was still in private.

God started opening doors for me to speak at various retreats, mom groups, and church events. Speaking is something I struggle with. I worry about what people think about me. God, however, gave me all I needed to do so, and I grew to love it and desired more speaking opportunities. I’m not saying I don’t panic a bit when I give a talk, because I do. However, when I give a speech, God is with me giving me the words to say. He is there encouraging me and giving me the strength; I need to get through it. I use many of my poems and short stories when I speak. When I deliver a presentation, I see how it touched the hearts of many, and I see others start taking off their masks. God is good!

There were times in my life where I stopped writing because of the trials I was facing and the pain I was feeling. Because of fear I have put off completing this book for over ten years. I have come to know God has a plan despite my fear, and He will give me everything I need to be faithful. So here I am, being faithful. This book consists of poems, which became my prayers to God and what I believe are His answers to those prayers. They’re followed by my testimony revealing my heart during the time I wrote them and the scriptures I went to in my time of need. There are also short stories showing how God has touched my heart, and the hearts of those around me through being obedient to His will. A prayer and connected scripture follow each story.

My life has been a journey of living behind a mask while the real me was invisible to the world. I became an Invisible. This world is full of lies and pain. Afraid of someone hurting me, I hid behind my mask; while the whole time wishing someone would notice the real me, accept me, and love me. I wore a smiling mask as the real me had tears streaming down my face screaming silently, I’m here can anyone see me, does anyone care? My heart would weep as my soul so deeply ached to be loved. It wasn’t until I knew who I was in Christ was I able to remove my mask. I knew God heard, saw, accepted, and loved me. God showed me I was OK and gave me the strength and courage to take my mask off and not hide anymore. I am no longer invisible, but seen and loved by God. I have a hope that will never end and a purpose.

My prayer is when you read these words; you realize you’re not alone either; you are beautiful, and most of all loved by God. Once you know you are heard, seen, accepted, and loved beyond measure, you understand God has a purpose for your life, and you are not a mistake. There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfectly and wonderfully made by God. There is freedom in trusting God and taking off those masks we hide behind. I pray when you read these words, you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt you are not alone but loved more than words can say.

It is hard to find time to spend with God, so I have set this book up not as a daily devotional, but as reflections with God. My hope is as you read these words you will come back daily and have a time of reflection with Him; not as something to check off your list. During this time, let His love soak in, and I pray that you find encouragement and grow to know a Savior, who hears your prayers, sees your tears, answers you, and gives you hope to know you have a purpose. Most of all, remember you are not alone. The stories and poems are not in chronological order, but by the end, it will all come together.

⁶ Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31:6 NKJV

⁹ Have I not commanded you?

Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9 NKJV

But if I say I’ll never mention the Lord or speak in his name,

his word burns in my heart like a fire.

It’s like a fire in my bones!

I am worn out trying to hold it in!

I can’t do it!

Jeremiah 20:9 NIV

WHY

Alone I sit.

Alone I cry.

Alone I wonder why?

Why am I here so full of fear?

Why do I question why?

Who am I? I say to myself as I watch the world go by.

Which direction to choose?

What path shall I take to stop from asking why?

Confused, alone, and scared I feel as I see the stars so high.

Without a ladder how do I reach those wondrous things I seek?

With chains on my feet make me feel so weak

As I try to find some happiness and peace.

The darkness I feel in my heart is real as I question myself why?

Every once in a while, I have a chance to smile.

But this smile I find is a temporary smile

For it is not the happiness I seek.

Temporary happiness lasts just for a while

As my problems pile and pile.

As I slowly slide further from all the things that I desire

I question myself why?

Why do I feel this pain in my heart?

Why do I feel that I am falling apart?

Why do I ask myself why?

With my eyes full of tears, I look up to the sky and ask the questions

Why?

As I kneel in prayer, I pour out my heart, my heart that is full of fear.

With open arms and a caring smile, I receive the answers why?

Why is because I love you.

Why is because I care.

Why is the reason for living.

Why must you ask why?

With tears in my eyes, my heart fills with love.

For I know that my Father loves me

And there are no more reasons to ask why?

For in God’s love are the answers I seek,

And that is where I will find my everlasting smile and peace.

From a young age, I have asked why. I never wholly felt loved or accepted. I searched in so many wrong directions only to find that the happiness I found was temporary. In desperation, I cried out to God, and He showed me just how accepted and loved I am by Him. It wasn’t through the false promises of the world, but God. I still find myself feeling alone at times, but I have a reassurance of acceptance and love that will never end. It is through God’s love I will find all the answers to the questions why.

Right after high school, I married my high school sweetheart and had dreams of growing old with him and raising our kids together. Not soon after I married, I found myself pregnant with our first child—I couldn’t be more excited. We had talked about having kids, and I knew this would be our happily ever after. However, things started falling apart. We had a huge fight, and my parents ended up picking me up. Early the next morning the doorbell woke me up, and it was a man with papers. He asked me if I was Catherine and I said yes. He handed me the papers and left. I felt utterly broken when I read them. The documents were for a legal separation. Later I met with my soon to be ex to talk to him about our future and the baby. He looked at me and told me it was an abortion or a divorce. I nearly died. How could I choose between the two loves of my life? I knew I couldn’t have an abortion; I just couldn’t—needless to say, the divorce would happen.

One night as I sat in my room, the pain was overwhelming. My whole life was over, so I thought. All the dreams I had, my future, my family were gone. I decided that I didn’t want to live life anymore; I planned my death. I prayed to God and told Him my heart and asked Him why He would let this happen? The moment I would take my life, I felt the baby inside me kick for the first time. As tears were streaming down my face, I fell to the ground and thanked God for the miracle of my unborn child. God gave me a little angel to save my life. At that moment, I knew everything would be OK. I would now fight for this child no matter what. I knew God would take care of us. I am so thankful that I didn’t make a permanent decision for a temporary problem.

When my little Stephanie was born, I had never been so happy, sad, and fearful at the same time. I was sad she would have to live her life without her Father in it and a complete family. I was so afraid and had so many questions. How was I going to raise this little girl without a husband? Would I be able to love her? How was I going to take care of her?

A few months passed, and the divorce was final. I was officially a single mom. I was staying with my parents, and it seemed things were going well. One rainy night as I was driving my younger brother to work someone ran a stop sign. I tried to stop, but I slid right into him. His car spun around hitting the driver’s side where I was and then the back-left side of my car. My head tangled with the seat belt and left me severely injured. I remember little, except somehow getting in the backseat and holding my six-month-old daughter—thank heaven she was OK. The accident left me with paralysis, numbness, and horrible pain. Which left me again wondering how I would take care of my daughter?

Because of my injuries, I couldn’t work, and I watched my parents now become more of a parent to my little Stephanie than me. When she would go to hug me, everyone would panic and say, Be careful you don’t want to hurt mommy. She pulled away from me which deeply hurt. When Stephanie was eighteen months old, I saw a doctor who suggested an experimental surgery with a high risk of death and a small chance of recovery. At this point, I would try anything. I felt that if I lived, great, but if I died, that would be fine too. As I was lying on the operating table, I prayed to God and asked why did He allow this to happen? After the surgery, my parents brought Stephanie to see me. They put her on my chest, she touched my face, and I could feel her touch again. Not only could I feel her touch I could reach up and trace her sweet little face with my hand. I broke down and thanked God for another miracle. To think, even though I was angry at God and questioned Him, He was still there loving me and taking care of me. Through those experiences, God gave me the poem, Why. His answers to my questions why were: Why is because I love you, why is because I care, why is the reason for living, why must you ask why? In this life, we may not understand why certain things happen to us, but we know that God has a purpose for our pain. He can and will turn our sorrows into something beautiful. I find comfort in knowing God loves me and that I am and never will be alone.

Dear Father, we may not know the answers and have many questions, but I am thankful because You have the answers. You have a plan and a purpose for our lives. You can turn our ashes into something beautiful. For that, God, I thank you.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28 NIV

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

James 1:12 NIV

ALONE

I was walking alone in this world full of fear.

I never felt as if anyone was near.

The world around me seemed to be full of happiness and glee,

But my heart would silently plea.

A moment or two, I would feel alive

Even though my heart wouldn’t thrive.

I felt as if there were glimpses of hope,

But somehow, I couldn’t cope.

I would try to fill my hearts deepest desires.

But when I would try the world would conspire.

I often thought to pray, and I would continue to try,

But my heart would turn cold, and all I could do was cry.

Please help me Lord; I can’t do anymore.

My heart feels so torn.

My mind is so curious and my thoughts a blur.

Please help me know how I can be sure.

I hear Your voice so soft, so faint.

Please God, hear my complaint.

I want to know You and feel Your love.

When I try any other direction besides You, I am shoved.

Pushed and shoved around by broken promises and fleeting dreams.

All I find is hopelessness, lies, and schemes.

Please make the path clear and show me the way.

In your loving arms is where I want to stay.

Take me out of this horrible place.

Make me feel safe.

Please God, I am here.

God, please let me know you are near.

I will pray to You with all my heart.

Please God, give me a new star

I can’t begin to count the times I have felt completely alone. I was shy and not accepted much by others, and this carried on throughout my teen years and even into my adulthood. I was in a marriage for some time where my husband was not there for me. I felt as if I didn’t have any friends. My family wouldn’t understand. People would judge. I found myself living in fear and desperately wanting to speak to someone. I felt trapped with no escape. There was a night when I was feeling hopeless, and I couldn’t find any way out of the situation. I fell on my bed with tears streaming down my face, and I began to pray.

With my heart broken, I pleaded for God to come and take me away. I wanted the pain to stop. I felt as if I couldn’t face another day. In the midst of my tears, I felt a peace come over me. It felt like someone was holding me in their arms and gently swaying me back and forth. God had come and held me. My tears stopped flowing, and I fell asleep. When I woke, I had the strength to continue. Where there was once no hope, I found peace. I am so glad I reached out and prayed to God. Now I know, no matter how hopeless a situation can be, I am not alone. I know when I pray, God will come and will be there for me. I will no longer have to face another problem by myself or will never have to feel alone. God is always present with me.

My dear Father, I pray for those who are hurting and may be in a situation that seems hopeless. Please give them hope. Touch their hearts and calm their spirits. Please let them know this pain is temporary, but Your love is forever. Yes, life will hurt, but the pain only lasts for a while. Let them know they are not alone, and You love them. Give them the strength they need and help them stay strong. For we know with You, all things are possible.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

³ He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil; For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Psalm 23:1-6 NKJV

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13 NKJV

God is our refuge and strength.

A very present help in trouble.

² Therefore we will not fear,

Even though the earth be removed,

And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;

³ Though its waters roar and be troubled,

Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah

Psalm 46:1-3 NKJV

LEFT AND FORGOTTEN

Day One

Twelve members of our church in Aurora, Colorado went on a youth mission trip to St. Louis, Missouri to join other youth groups for a week of hope. During the long journey, questions flooded my mind about my situation, tasks we would do, and would I be able to do the job asked of me. When we arrived, we divided into various teams mixed with other youth that came. I was a little nervous at first because I was the only adult in my team and knew only one other person. It would be up to me to lead the team. The girl I knew moved to a different group and my daughter, Samantha moved to mine. It relieved me when I found out we would partner up with another group. I didn’t know what to expect when I came on this trip. My team’s assignment was a Christian medical home for senior adults. This home had various care needs ranging from little supervision to the extreme hospice care. This announcement made me uncomfortable at first. Memories of my childhood and the times I visited my grandmother flooded my thoughts. I never liked visiting her there and being honest, the idea of going to a place like that again frightened me.

Morning came, and it was time to head off. As they called our van number, my heart sank. I saw a community which was in disrepair. There was proof of a storm that had taken its toll on the homes. Many roofs were covered with large blue plastic tarps waiting to get fixed. As we approached the Christian medical center, I found out it was a new building just a little over a year old. We grabbed our supplies and entered the building. Our first assignment was to clean up the grounds from trash and later we would visit some residents who lived there. I was more than happy to clean up the trash but was very hesitant to visit.

Cleaning up the grounds didn’t take long, and before we knew it, we were inside awaiting a list of those we were to visit. I was tired of sitting, so I walked around. I didn’t get far when a lady approached me. She had heard I was from Colorado, and she said she loved Colorado and hugged me. Her name was Sue, and she had lived in the home for many years. We talked a bit, and she told me she was glad I was there. Sue had to go to see her boyfriend, Jack and said she would see me later. As we sat waiting, a lady was sitting in a chair watching game shows in the lobby. I greeted her and told her my name was Catherine. She did the same and shared her name was Monica. She said nothing else as she glared at me. The activity director came with the list, and everyone broke into groups of two. I paired up with Heather, a beautiful young lady who was extremely outgoing. We made our rounds only to find many people were either gone from their room, sleeping, or unable to communicate due to their condition. Many were connected to various machines and looked as if they were in a vegetated state. Even though we said hi and introduced ourselves, they couldn’t respond.

We walked the halls, several times, and each time I noticed the same lady pulling herself up and down the hallway with her feet. She looked determined. As she dragged herself along with her feet, she vigorously chomped her teeth together, I tried to say hi, but she was focused. One nurse reported she did this all day and every day. Another lady was sitting in her wheelchair; she was a small framed, fragile, white woman with her face covered with waves of endless wrinkles. She didn’t have any teeth and when I said hi her face lit up, and she smiled, wrinkles and all. She would then go back into a trance, and when you said hi again, it was like she was meeting an old friend once more. We did this several times. She would light up and then would fade away.

One room that was on our list belonged to a lady named Beth. She was a beautiful, frail, black woman. Her hair was short and white as snow. She had the prettiest eyes, but a lifeless void filled them. Beth lay motionless in her bed, staring blankly at the wall. She was attached to various machines with tubes poking out of her urine stained blankets. We tried to introduce ourselves, but there was no response. Who was she and what kind of life did she live? Now she was just a shell. My heart broke for her. I found out later that she had no family or anyone who came to visit her. Deep inside I wish I could have brought her a little spark, a smile, and some hope.

From the other side of the curtain, we heard a voice full of attitude that said, She can’t talk. We walked around the curtain and spoke to a lady named Latasha. She was a heavy black woman with short curly black hair, and she didn’t look very old at all. She looked like she meant business as she asked me if I played cards. I said, no, not really. Heather, the young lady I was with, asked Latasha if she knew how to play a card game called Spoons. Latasha said with brashness, I don’t know that one and asked if we played UNO. That game we both knew how to play. She cleared her bed and told us to have a seat, so we sat and played a couple of games. Latasha was excited to play. She took the game seriously as she slammed each card down with passion. We played UNO for a while until we were told it was time to go. We said our goodbyes, that we would see her tomorrow, and would try to play another game of UNO. On the drive back, I didn’t feel like I did anything or made a difference.

Later that night we had our evening program and then split into our youth groups to discuss the theme for the week taken from John 15:5 We are the branches, and He is the vine. I went to bed feeling like it would be a long week and was not too excited for the next day. I shared the room with my daughter Shannon, so that was nice. She was in a group that was helping with a school and could interact with the kids. My daughter Samantha switched to my team after the first day where she had been helping at a food bank. Some other groups performed landscaping in a park; one helped with repairs on a woman’s house, and another worked with Habitat for Humanity building homes. Secretly, I hoped I could have been in one of those groups where you could see the direct effect on others.

Day Two

Tuesday morning came, and it was time again to head out. The day wasn’t much different from the day before. As we waited, I saw Sue in one lobby, so I talked to her, and she introduced me to her boyfriend, Jake. I showed Sue the pictures of my family I had on my cell phone. The entire time Monica was watching us from across the room where she had sat yesterday. I said, Hi Monica, and she said, hi Catherine. With surprise, I said, you remembered my name, and she said, yes, I did, but did you remember mine? Sadly, I had to say no, and she introduced herself by telling me again, her name was Monica. The activity director came with the list, and it was time to visit. My list had the same people on it. This time we would visit them in the morning in hopes we would catch more of them in their rooms. Later we would help with some service projects around the facility.

I learned from a lady who worked there that the people on my list had no family; this saddened me. This time, I partnered with David, a young man with a youth group from Pittsburg. We visited the same group of people with the same result. Both of us were a little down as we walked through the halls. We heard soul praise music coming from the chapel, so we sat down. They were dressed up, especially a lady I would come to know as Marsha. She wore a lot of jewelry, had dyed red hair with bright red lipstick. I got into the music and when they finished singing an elderly lady preached. She preached about how God is with all of us and gives us strength. We couldn’t stay long, but it was nice to hear God’s word. I tracked down Tasha, and a few of us, including Heather, David, and my daughter Sam went to the dining hall to play a round or two of UNO. I thought at least I was doing something. It was fun; I even won a round.

It was time for our service project. We went to the front of the build to paint the curbs yellow to mark the no parking zones. The curbs already looked freshly painted. When we finished, we cleaned up and headed back. As we were leaving, we noticed that where we painted someone ran over it and left a big tire mark. All that work for nothing, it seemed. At this point, I had enough. If it weren’t for the fact I lived in Colorado and was in Missouri, I would have considered going home. I was battling internally. This organization didn’t seem too organized at first, and the center was making up things for us to do. Those in my group were bored and not too happy.

The rest of the evening we had free time to spend with our youth group. We went to the St. Louis Zoo and got there half an hour before they closed. Most of us, excited to see the giraffes, went running to where they were, but the workers were gathering the animals and moving them inside for the night. We were allowed to stay after closing and walk around for about an hour. It was funny to see prairie dogs in their cage; they run wild in Colorado. Our next stop was the St Louis Arch. I am deathly afraid of heights and was thinking of every reason not to go up, but the youth would not let me get out of it.

We rode through town, stopped at a hamburger place, and ate. We couldn’t find a parking place near the Arch, so we drove around a bit and found a spot near the shoreline. The water level was high and came past the St. Louis shoreline sign. We walked for blocks, through a parking level garage, and a park to get there. Along the way, we saw buildings that were aged and run down, but the view was gorgeous. Some older buildings reflected a different era in history and various cultures (past and present) along with a worn-out cobblestone road. As we approached the Arch, the top of it disappeared into the skyline.

Fears set in and so did the nerves. The youth had a fun time at my expense and a few laughs. When waiting, we saw a display of a pod we would ride up to the top of the Arch in. It was small and cramped. It barely fit five seats per pod. Not only am I afraid of heights, but I don’t like small spaces. I was about to go to the top of the Arch that was too high for my taste in a cramped little pod. We had time to visit a gift shop while we waited for our turn to venture up to the top. In the gift shop, Kyle (one youth) told me it takes four minutes to get to the top and three to get down. I asked him, Why does it take less time to go down? He said, because you get to a certain point, and then you drop. My heart sank, and I ran. He grabbed me and said he was kidding, and everyone laughed. It was now time for us to go up. We split into a couple of groups, five people per each pod. In my group was my daughter Shannon, our youth leader Chris, Katrina, Becca, and myself. The thing is I giggle when I’m nervous.

We walked down a set of stairs, waited for a minute or two with me giggling, and then the doors opened. With a lot of encouragement from the group, I got in, the doors closed, and the pod went up. It went up, then jerked sideways, then up more; this repeated until we got to the top. The doors opened, and we got out. We walked to an enclosed platform and walked across it. We were on the top of the arch in a narrow room full of people. It was crowded at the top, and I felt uneasy, especially when it moved with the wind. I was a little more than panicked. We were 630 feet high. There were narrow rectangle windows that lined the bottom and the sides so you could look out. I gathered enough courage and looked out one window on the side; everything looked so small from the top of the Arch. The was spectacular. The city seemed to go on forever. We stayed up there for a half hour. I enjoyed the view until I saw lightning. Without hesitation, we all decided to go. I was glad I had faced my fears. Several others faced their fears too, including my daughter Samantha, who I heard cried on the way up. That night God reminded me that nothing is too big for Him, not even our worst fears.

Day Three

Wednesday morning came, and I had a better attitude knowing I was at least bonding with my daughters and the youth group; that made me happy. We got to the center to make our rounds and had similar results as before. I saw an elderly man sitting outside of his room who seemed distressed. I asked him if there was anything, I could do for him. He told me his room was too cold and when he would go into it, his bones would hurt. He wanted to lie down but couldn’t. I got someone to help him, and he said thank you and that no one would listen to him except me.

The lady in charge of the activities asked if we would like to run a Bingo game and we said yes. She told us to gather those who wanted to play and bring them to the dining hall. We walked the halls and gathered those who wanted to play. When walking the halls, I kept passing a lady sitting in the front of the building, looking as if she was getting ready to leave. I sat by her and asked her if she wanted to play Bingo. She looked at me, and she seemed angry. I continued to talk to her and told her my name. I told her where I was from and asked her about herself. She talked and the more she spoke, the less angry she became. It turned out she had been sitting there for hours waiting to go downstairs to dialysis. She said she liked Bingo but couldn’t go. I said I would play for her. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be able to keep that promise; God had other plans. We talked for a while and by the time they came to get her she was smiling, and we were laughing together.

The whole time we were talking, I noticed another lady sitting on the other side of the couch listening to us. After I had finished talking to the lady waiting for dialysis, I approached the other woman. She too dressed as if she was waiting to go somewhere. Her name was Rosie. When I told her, I have an aunt named Rosie, she smiled and said, she must be nice. I learned Rosie gets up every morning, sits in the same place with her bag pack, and waits for her daughter to come back and get her, but she never came. She was left and forgotten.

I then entered a lobby full of people watching something on the television. I asked if anyone wanted to play Bingo and a gentleman tried to back up in his wheelchair while mumbling something. The man shook his head