The Brokenness and Restoration of a Lost Soul

By Angela Hart

She held Daddy's hand looking down into an empty hole, our basement of our new house being built, She didn't know the horror that lay in wait for her! The basement wasn't just a place to play dolls in! At the age of five, she was sexually assaulted by someone there and continued as she grew. She was introduced to sexual things no little girl (or boy) should ever be! She told her mother, she looked at her coldly and said "Nice girls don't act like that, never talk about this again"! She must not be "a nice girl" because it was happening to her, now she knew she had no one to help her! No one! As she grew up this terrible secret was making her sick! She tried anything, to get rid of this inside pain and still look "normal" outside! As she grew it took her down a dark spiral staircase into a world of sex, drugs, alcohol to numb the pain in her mind and heart which were growing darker, and harder by the moment! Her life was raw, in your face! She tells it as she lived it! The pain will follow us through life, if we don't face it, deal with it! She found hope on her quest to live a "normal" life! Take this journey with her, see there is hope for you as well!

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jul 18, 2019
• ISBN: 9781728319605

Angela Hart

Angela Hart, who writes under a pseudonym, is a specialist foster carer for children with complex needs. Angela has been a foster carer for over twenty-five years, during which time she and her husband, Jonathan, have looked after more than fifty children. Her books The Girl Who Wanted to Belong, Terrified and The Girl Who Just Wanted To Be Loved were top ten Sunday Times bestsellers.

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© 2019 Angela Hart. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 07/16/2019

ISBN: 978-1-7283-1961-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-1960-5 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

About The Book

Chapter One

The Brokenness And Restoration Of A Lost Soul

Her Life Began

Our New House

Her Navy Seal

She Tried To Look Normal

The Baby Rat

The Haunted House

This Damn Pain

Favorite Aunt And Uncle

The Past Can Become The Present

Left Childhood Behind Her

Chapter Two

Hippie And The School Marm

High School

They Thought She Was A Guy

A Man From The Past

How She Met Her First Husband

Their House In Town

Never Show Them Fear

Job From Hell

She Protected Her Cousin By Keeping Her Secret

The Day She Met Benny

She Was A Go-Go Girl!!!!

Goodbye Benny!

Her Family And Wedding

Cole And Married Life

Rejection

They Got Divorced

Lady Or A Whore

She Seen Ben Again!

Her Baby’s Birth

She Plotted Her Revenge!

Elvis And Getting Born Again

The Bible Festival

The Festival, Elvis And Her

A Demon Had Her Baby

The Big Black Marshall

She Was A Biker Chick

How She Met Steve And His Cousin Brian

Starchy And Hitch

From Guard To Hat Check Girl

Hat Check Girl To Waitress

Dusty And The Disco Queen!

Her Rock Guitarist

How She Met Lonnie

Loverboy Concert

She Moved From Her Mom And Dads Frankies Tree

The Process Of Illimination

Marriage Made In Hell

She Made It One Year!

Her Second Baby

Betrayed Again!

Betrayal

How She Bluffed Them All!

Lost It All In Texas

Back From Texas

Mean Streets And The Btk Killer

The Truckers

The Abortion

The Horror Of Partial Births

Watch What You Say, The Devils Listening!

Mason And Her

The Call Of The Wild

Moonlite And The Plant

Dehydrated In The Hole

Not The Ben She Knew!

She Met Jessie

Chapter Three

Getting To Know Jessie!

Her Family Loved Jessie

A Memorable Honeymoon!

Their First Year

She Could Have Killed Jessie!

The Intervention That Saved Her

Praise God! They Made A Baby!

The Birth Of Their Baby

They Moved Back To Town

Back To Security Again

Murder Ordained

They Smile In Your Face, Stab You In The Back

Yay! They Fired Her!

Kids And Natural Healings

The Band And Bandito!

Shep And King

Joey Started Preschool

Keep Your Relationship Sweet With God

Trying To Reach Frankie

State Hospital Pych Ward

On With The Vacation!

The Birth Of Her Grandson

Her Grandchild

The Dark Hole Called, Depression

Chapter Four

My Transformsion From A Heart Of Stone

How She Met Elma Right

Ministry Cont’d

The Ministry Is Gone

Jessie The Politician

They Saved Joey!!!

Never Be Afraid To Tell People About Jesus

Chapter Five

Moved On Blind Faith

Finding Their New Life!

Can’t Keep Her Down!

Jess’s Operation

She Crashed Joey’s Prom!

The Grandkids Visit

Jessie’s Impatience Is Their Downfall

Watch Out For Scams!

They Endured More Hardships!

She Thought They Were Finally Out Of Here

Her Health Issues

They Found A New Church

Other Of Her Healings

Vacation And Concert

4 Celebrations In 5 Days!

She Took Back Control Of Her Life

The Emotions The Devil Used Against Her!

About The Author

This book is about one woman’s journey from having a cold hard heart, caused by being beaten down in life, to having a heart of flesh full of love, forgiveness, and redemption! so come along with her through this journey she had blocked out of her mind, because of a secret to painful to remember! through years of therapy she will travel through her dark side and have to face the demons of her tortured past! discover along with her as she finds out what that secret is, and why she could never tell anyone!

This book is dedicated to the lost souls being held captive in your minds by the devil, and to give you the key of knowledge that will unlock those prisons in your minds, and you will be set free!

You will come to know why you do, and are the way you are. She changed, so can you!

ABOUT THE BOOK

This book is a story of a woman from a young age to being an old woman discovering who she is through years of therapy! She knew she always had pain in her that drove her to basically self destruct from it. The pain gave her a hard, cold heart, read how god took her heart of stone and turned it into a heart of flesh! Through this therapy she came to understand who she is, and why she lives like she does! She discovers the dark secret she had told no one, until now! The secret that drove her to alcohol and drugs, random sex, and the streets in the first place, the secret she blocked out of her mind that was to painful to remember! Her journey through her dark side ends with her finding hope, faith, and love!

All is fair in love and war! Fight however you can!

There is a battle with many warriors, yet no two warriors fight alike. They all have different instincts they apply at different stages of battle. There have been many books written on spiritual warfare, so read this story how one woman chose to fight her demons!

CHAPTER ONE

THE BROKENNESS AND RESTORATION OF A LOST SOUL

The loud sounds of the city shook her awake as she heard the traffic going by her window, the clanging of trash cans as the garbage truck roared down the street, the people yelling hailing down taxi cabs! She reached out her hand to see if anyone lay beside her and found that side of the bed empty. She set up in bed and found as she opened her eyes to focus, she had a splitting headache and felt like she would throw up! The last thing she remembered was being at a night club where they knew her well and always kept her glass full! She remembered dancing with this cute guy and then walking or rather him half carrying her to his car! Not again, she thought as she looked at the clock and seen she would be late for work, again, this made yet another job she would lose! As she made her way into the shower she decided she would just call in sick, instead of running the risk of being fired. The hot water hit her, it felt so good. She stood there letting the hot water run down her body and asked herself why do you act like this? Going home with strange men you just met in the club, getting into their car, how do you know he wasn’t a rapist or worse a killer of women! She was disgusted with herself! As she was drying off she said a prayer again and thanked god for keeping her safe and not letting her get killed! She then promised god that she wouldn’t do this again! Even as she prayed this, she knew in her heart she couldn’t keep her promise to him! Something inside her made her act like this, drinking, having sex with any man that showed her any interest at all! Some she would bring home, some she would just have sex with them outside the club in the alley or car! She had a pain in her mind and heart she thought she could quiet by drinking, getting high and having random sex! She wiped the steam off the mirror and looked at herself. She was an older woman who had just turned 50 but looked to be in her in her late 30’s and this was the 1980’s! Everyone acted like her she though, right!?

She swallowed some aspirin to help her aching head, lit a cigarette and called her office to let her boss know she would be a little late but she would be there. Her boss informed her in the six months she had worked there, she was late six times, and this time though she liked her and her work, when she was at work, she would have to let her go! She hung up the phone, kicking herself for doing this again! She hated herself for not being able to stop! This self loathing of being a failure again made her reach for a bottle she had stashed behind the cushion of her couch! She poured herself a hair of the dog and wondered to herself well now what does she do with her day? She weighed her options, while slugging down another glass and lighting up another cigarette. This makes the fifth job she’d lost in two years! She half chuckled as the warm liquid started to put her in a better mood. She was running out of places to look for a job!

She should go look for another job! She had to pay the rent that was coming due at the first of next month! She had another drink and a cigarette and headed to the place that she knew she could get some sympathy and another drink! As she pulled up outside the club and shut off her car, she checked her make up and hair in the rear view mirror, and said to herself as she got out of the car girl you’ll never learn! Sure enough as she walked into the smoky club and sat down at the bar, even this early in the day, the place was full of lonely pathetic useless people like her looking for a friend for awhile to make them forget about their miserable lives, like her! She got up and walked to the juke box making sure her hips kept time with the music, taking note of all the men watching her walk by! Hmm, she thought, who will be going home with her at the end of the night? She walked back up to the bar and sat down; she had set the bait now lets see who will bite! Her favorite bartender set another glass down in front of her and as she put a cigarette to her mouth and looked around for matches, a flame flickered in front of her and she lit her cigarette. As the lighter closed she was staring into the bluest eyes she had ever seen, they were sky blue, then she noticed his long blonde 80’s rocker hair and she knew she was in trouble again! He sat down next to her at the bar and they had some more drinks as she told him about how unfair it was for her boss to have fired her! Her boss was a bitch and had it out for her since she worked there! He asked her if she wanted to dance and they moved to a booth, put down their drinks and hit the dance floor! The hell with her boss and her life, it’s time to have fun! She was in her element and it felt good to forget for awhile what a loser she was and danced wildly with this gorgeous hunk that just came into her life! She knew when she drank to kill this pain inside her, not knowing why it was there, but just knowing she had to stop it, so she could forget about it, she would have to drink until she couldn’t see and have to be carried out of the club! She didn’t care, this hunk was going home with her she thought so let the good times roll, and roll they did!

With her head splitting she opened her eyes and looked around. She wasn’t hearing the familiar noises of the city! Where was she! Just then she heard a man’s voice say good your up. You want some coffee? It was that gorgeous hunk she was dancing and drinking with last night! Well she thought as she got up to find her clothes that had been strung all over the room, he doesn’t look like a killer! She took the cup of coffee he offered, her wishing it was bourbon, took a couple of sips, and said how did we get here? He told her he had driven them to his place and he would drive her back to her car now that it was safe for her to drive. She got into his car and he looked even better in the daylight now that she wasn’t looking at him through her eyes that only saw white which is what the world looked like when she drank! She was by no means a social drinker, when she went out to drink she drank until she saw nothing but white in front of her and have to be carried out of the club, to a car where she would sleep until she reached either her place or the man’s she left with, she never knew until she opened her eyes the next day to see which way it had been! She never knew where she would wake up and it scared her to death, but not enough to make her stop!

She didn’t have many friends, except for having her one night stands, she was pretty much a loner. Today she thought she would go to the club where her one friend worked as a dancer. The girls didn’t strip, just danced in very skimpy bikinis. When her friend seen her she waved to her, she was gyrating to the music, in front of the men at her stage. She had said before how the men can’t touch her, or the big burly bouncer will throw them out. She thought how lucky her friend was to have such an exciting job! She had spent everyday in that stuffy office with all those women that gagged her with their old lady perfume and the men who wore way too much after shave, to be so close together in those small cubicles! She was always hung over and the stench made her sick to her stomach every time she went to work! Here there were bright neon lights, loud pounding music and people like her, she thought. She was here to just have a good time and forget about everything else! The night clubs, drinking, and men! Yes she was in control here, or so she would tell herself! She felt this was all she was good for, so live it up! She almost over dosed twice, and came close to giving herself alcohol poisoning she drank so much and so often! She also had the thought of ending her life many times, anything to put out this pain! She wouldn’t listen to her friend who could see she was killing herself slowly with this lifestyle! One day her friend came to her and told her to go see a specialist before she ended up taking the wrong guy home and not live through that one night stand or kill herself with drugs and alcohol! She thought to herself after her friend who loved her stormed out telling her she wasn’t going to be around watching her end up dead! Her friend left her, everyone was leaving her! She sat down on the couch and began to cry! Something she thought she wasn’t capable of doing. She thought it made her look weak so she always stopped herself before she would. The tears ran down her face as she got up and went to search this dirty, cramped apt she had rented, looking for a bottle or some pills she thought she had stashed somewhere! She found the bottle and the pills. She put the pills in her mouth and took a good long slug off the bottle of bourbon. Catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror on the wall, she got so full of rage at her being a failure at life, she through the bottle at the mirror and felt herself falling to the floor which she hit with a thud on the side of her head and everything went black!

She woke up in the hospital with a terrible pain in her head which was bandaged and bloody! She found this out as she touched the bandage on her head and her hand had blood on it! She tried to get up but she had iv’s in her arms and they pulled her back onto the bed. The door opened up and in walked her friend who she thought hated her and gave up on her like she hated and gave up on herself! She came over to her and said don’t try to get up hon. You hit your head pretty hard! She told her how she had felt bad for yelling at her and came back to apologize and found her lying on the floor with blood pouring from her head! She called 911 and that was how she ended up in here! She sat down by her bed and held her hand and told her you have got to get help, talk to somebody! She made her promise she would and then she left the room so her friend could sleep.

In a couple days she felt better and convinced the doctors of letting her out. She was getting ready to leave when in came her friend and asked her where she thought she was going! She told her she was going home and that she didn’t have to worry about her. She had learned her lesson and she would straighten up her life! Her friend said she was taking her to go talk to someone. She said to her, she didn’t need a shrink! She wouldn’t take no for an answer and told her she had already made an appointment for her that afternoon, in just about an hour as a matter of fact! On the way to the therapist she called a headshrinker she told her friend about a dream she had that made her wake up in a cold sweat and she didn’t know what it meant so she just drank and took pills to forget it! Her friend told her as they went up in the elevator you need to tell the therapist about this dream that terrifies you and makes you act like this!

They entered this office where an older woman with a pretty smile came up to shake her hand. The therapist then told her friend she could leave she was in good hands and to come back in about an hour to get her. She then told her to lie down on the couch, but she preferred to just sit in the chair. She had to be in control or she wasn’t talking, and she let this old broad know it! The therapist then asked her what kind of dream had she been having and did she know what the dream meant, or at least meant to her? Why did this dream cause her so much pain that made her reach for a bottle or the pills? She thought to herself if she knew that she wouldn’t have to be here talking to this quack!

She knew if she didn’t open up to her she would never get a moments peace from her friend who made it her lifelong ambition to stand vigilance over her, so she wouldn’t hurt herself again! The therapist then told her to lean back, relax, close her eyes and let herself go to where the dream was in her mind. She did as she was told so she could just make her think she was, that she had helped her and she wouldn’t need to be coming here again! As she was sitting there with her eyes closed, she began to have flashes in her mind! She wasn’t sure what the flashes were but they made her blood run cold, and her heart start to beat fast and she opened her eyes and jumped up out of the chair, so much she startled the therapist and she dropped her pen on the floor she had in her hand ready to write down what she said! She told her to sit back down and try again, this was good what she was beginning to see in her mind while she was awake and she could see she wouldn’t be harmed by what she saw! This time she went over to the couch and lay down and closed her eyes determined to find out what has caused her so much pain from as long as she could remember! It wasn’t long before the flashes slowed down and began to form a picture in her mind she could see clearly!

As she let her mind relax as the therapist directed her to do in a loving soft voice, she began to see images made much clearer to her now! The first image that came into focus was of her and her daddy who she loved so much were standing together him holding her hand so she wouldn’t fall into a big gaping hole they were both looking down into. Her daddy had died years before so seeing him in her mind was comforting to her! The therapist told her to open her eyes and when she did she sat up on the couch and told the therapist that she seen her daddy! The therapist smiled and told her i guess you did, you had a smile on your face that hadn’t been there before! She told me to come back tomorrow and she had another technique she wanted to try to make her be able to go deeper into her mind. If she got to see more of her daddy, she would be back! She thanked her and left wondering what other memories she had locked up in her mind! As she walked out into the street and the warm breeze hit her face, it felt good and for the first time in her life she actually had hope!

She couldn’t sleep that night, her mind was racing and she kept thinking about that first image she seen. The one where her and her daddy were looking down into that great big hole in the ground! finally morning came and she half ran to the building and into the elevator to her therapist office! she wanted to see more of her daddy in memories she kept locked away in her mind all these years! the therapist greeted her at the door and as she sat down the therapist did too and told her today we will try a new thing called light therapy. She had her sit up this time and told her to look at the light that was ahead of me. she said for her to block everything else out and just look at this light she had on her desk. As she looked into the light she told her to go back in her mind to where she was yesterday staring down this big hole with daddy holding her hand. she liked this image or was it a memory, she thought. The heat from the light and the seeing her daddy again made her feel safe and warm! today she could see even clearer that image, and even more about it and she realized that hole her and her daddy were staring down into was the basement of a new house daddy was having built for them! then as if seeing these images as a scene in a movie, the image changed to something she couldn’t make out but she was scared! she got up her heart pounding in her chest! she said to the therapist no that is enough! she said she didn’t want to do this anymore and half stumbled to the door picking up her jacket and purse and telling the therapist she wouldn’t be back! she ran to the elevator and frantically pushed the buttons with tears streaming down her face! finally the doors opened and she was inside! She leaned up against the back wall to steady herself as she went down to the main lobby. The doors came open and she ran out into the street and kept running! she thought maybe if she kept running she could out run those dark images she was beginning to see in her mind! she ran all the way home; up the flight of stairs to her apt and once inside she went straight for a bottle! She needed something to steady her nerves that were shot! hey she thought she deserved this bottle after going through that and she was going to finish it off! her friend tried calling to talk to her to ask how the therapy was going. She left many messages but her calls were never returned! finally she answered the phone and when her friend asked how she was, she screamed into the phone for her friend to leave her alone and she wasn’t going back to that damn quack, that she was putting shit in her head and she was done with it! her friend pleaded with her not to do something stupid and that she was coming over! she told her to stay away she didn’t need her! she heard the pounding on the door and when she opened her eyes she could see she was on the floor of her living room and by the dim light outside, it was turning dark out. good she thought that is how her mind feels, dark! she pulled her legs up next to her chest and began rocking herself back and forth, and that is how her friend found her! the landlady had let her in so she could see if her friend was alive or dead! once again she found herself in a hospital room with iv’s running some crap into her arms! her friend was sitting next to her bed and when she seen she had opened her eyes, ran to get the nurse who came in and said you were lucky little missy that your friend here found you in time your breathing was shallow and you barely had a pulse when she found you, you have a very good friend here, don’t push her away! her friend was holding her hand and said to her I love you, tell me what you seen in therapy that sent you over the edge, the last time I seen you, you were so happy you got to see your daddy again and I thought the therapy was working! please tell me, what you saw that made you end up in here again like this! she knew she wouldn’t give her a moments peace until she told her, and quite frankly she wanted to tell her, but she wasn’t sure what she had seen herself! she told her how when she looked into the light she felt warm and safe seeing her daddy again, but then another image took all that away and scared the hell out of her! she told her she wasn’t going back, she didn’t want to know anymore! her friend stroked her hand and said you have to return to therapy don’t you want to find out what has made you like you are your whole life! it’s not normal or safe the way you drink! i may not be able to get to you next time and you could die girl! she knew her friend was right, but she just couldn’t face it! she turned her back on her friend who knew that was her cue to leave. once she heard the door close, she rolled back over humiliated her friend had to see her like this! maybe she should go back and find out what has tormented her all her life because of this damn pain, that was still just as strong and made her drink to try to calm this gut wrenching pain in her gut! the thing about the pain was she never knew when it would hit and make her double over in pain! who would she be with, where would she be when all of a sudden she would be sweating and doubled over in pain! she lived with a lot of paranoia and fear over this! she became a loner because that way she wouldn’t have to explain these attacks to anyone! she found a drink would make the pain less and more manageable! she would meet men that would buy her the liquid that would dull the pain so she could function! this began her descend down a dark spiral staircase of booze, pills, and random mindless sex! anything to forget! forget what though! she still didn’t know! all she did know was she became the life of the party! the party didn’t start until she got there! she would fallow her routine of drinking, dancing, picking out someone to go home with or she would go home with him! she found herself in some strange places when she would open up her blood shot eyes and pounding head! she never knew where the pain would take her! it was scary to her but she didn’t think she would live past thirty anyway! so this became her life for many years! she worked a lot of jobs and lost a lot of jobs because of the pain and what it made her do or not do(like get to work on time)! like the other night she found herself drunk (of course) (and shooting guns off in the middle of the night with one of her conquest for that night!) she could have been killed or killed him! walking home in the middle of the night carrying her shoes so she wouldn’t wake him when she left. in the light of morning, she got to see what he looked good at closing time, (now, not so much, they call it coyote ugly)! that’s where you would rather chew your own arm off then wake him up to get the hell out of there once you no longer seen him through booze filled eyes! ha! or the time her friend and her met these two guys at the club and they decided to scale a chain link fence to go skinny dipping! her way of life was exciting and would have been so much better if she didn’t always have to find ways to survive this damn pain! she still didn’t have any answers why she acted, thought, and felt the way she did! she still worried that she wasn’t going to live past thirty! all this she had seen through the images the therapist said were her memories coming back to her she had locked away in her mind! well maybe she should go back to the therapist and get those answers! she called her and made an appointment! what other skeletons did she have locked away in her mind!

HER LIFE BEGAN

Took her time getting herself around the next day to go see her therapist again at the insistance of her friend. These images her dr. Called memories were scaring her and she wondered if she should just leave her past buried in the back of her mind where her dr. Told her they were! She found herself standing outside the door to her office and putting her hand on the door knob thinking to herself if she goes in here she may never be the same again! Seeing how she was now though that would be an improvement. She opened the door and the receptionist told her to have a seat and the dr. Will be with her soon. She sat down, picked up a magazine and began to thumb through it, not really looking at it. She had her eye on the door she knew her dr. Would be coming out of! It wasn’t long the door opened and her dr. She seen yesterday came out and shook her hand and she followed her dr. Back through that door into her office. The therapist asked her if she would like to try another method other than the blindfold and she told her she preferrd the blindfold, she felt more at ease in darkness the way she felt she had lived in all her life. The therapist handed her the black blinfold and she put it over her eyes and lay back on the couch as her dr. Instructed her to do. The swirling she seen yesterday began again and when it stopped she began to see an image though it wasn’t clear, more like looking through a shower door, there was something there! As she contineued to watch she began to see the image much better now! This image in this memory was about the day she was born, and she could see her mother and her brother! She hadn’t seen either one of them for many years and her mother had been dead at least 9 or 10 years! She hadn’t seen any of her family for so long, maybe this would be a good session after all! As she watched into the darkness behind the blindfold she seen she was born on a hot summer day! Her brother was so young in this memory, maybe 14 at the time and she watched as he rode his bike to a hospital and her mom held her up to the window so her brother could see her down below. He yelled up to their mom well what did you have? Is it a boy or girl? He wrinkled up his nose and kicked the toe of his black high top sneaker in the dirt, looking down when she said it’s a girl. He said sadly then leave her here then. Her mom said you sure, she looks just like you. Well let me see her then. Her mom held her up closer to the window and he got up closer to where he could get a better look, and said ok, then you can bring her home then. She heard the doctors tell her mom she had what they called the colic. She cried all night, then when morning came she slept. The neighbor was a nurse and she brought home some medicine from the hospital and gave it to her mom, to help her sleep. They put it in her bottle and it knocked her out so the whole neighborhood could get some sleep at night! Ha! Before they got this miracle working drug to make her sleep her dad had to put her in the car and drive around the block until she fell asleep then bring her in and lay her on his chest and comfort her so they could get some sleep. Her too, she had been exhausted from crying all night, so she slept during the day! This explains why if i’m not driving, she would fall asleep soon after the car starts moving. To try to get her days and nights straightened out, her mom was told by another neighbor to stand her at the foot of the bed and flip her head over heels a couple times! Mom did it but it didn’t change her sleep pattern. Maybe this is why she liked working night jobs and being up late! The pain she felt since birth, that made her cry all night with gas, and bloating in her belly, they since call, i.B.S. Or irritable bowel syndrome (fancy name for her belly’s on fire and hurts like hell)! She felt sorry for her parents, they were patient with her, never abused her. Was this the reason for the horrific pain, she’s been having to deal with in life!

OUR NEW HOUSE

She did go back to therapy through the prodding of her friend, but also out of curiosity about her past she had kept in the dark in her mind like the therapist told her on her first two meetings. She was more relaxed with her this time delving into her mind to see what had terrified her all her life and made her do, think, feel, say, and make decisions (bad ones) stemming from the pain she lived with all her life! She had her lay down again and this time she took a black blindfold and put it over her eyes. There, this will block out everything else around you and in your total darkness let the images come and don’t be afraid, i’m right here next to you. As she lay there in total darkness waiting for something to appear in her mind, she was starting to think nothing would come! Though she was afraid, she was more curious to see if there was more! There had to be! Other wise her life would never make sense to her, she thought! What happened to her that made her life a living hell! As she was waiting starting to get frustrated and just call this whole damn thing off, and chalk it up to her just being a quack like she thought, maybe she had made all what she was seeing up herself! She started to see flashes again but her mind couldn’t sort them out yet! She kept looking into this darkness and something became clearer! She was back standing with her daddy, him holding her hand looking down into this big hole that would soon be their basement of a brand new house daddy was having built for them, just them! She felt by the smile she could see on her face she was truly happy and so was daddy! So she could be happy, (she never knew that emotion before!) She kept looking into the darkness to see more! She loved seeing the images of her daddy in her mind (were these memories, true memories she had blocked and locked inside her mind and basically through away the key) she wondered? She watched as the image grew and showed her their new house! She could feel her family was all excited about getting a new house no one else had ever lived in! She never knew she was capable of feeling happy, she was always filled with depression and despair, the doctors told her growing up.

It didn’t seem long and they were in their new house she marveled! It had only been a hole in the ground, now it was so pretty, she loved it! Everything smelled so brand new! In the darkness under the blindfold she could actually smell the fresh paint and the new wood smells!

She seen a big fenced in back yard with lush green grass; where she seen herself running bare foot! She seen a patio where they had bbq’s. They had furniture, on their very own patio! They had a sliding glass door that led out to the patio from their diningroom. It was in that diningroom where she was seeing the funniest image, or was it a real memory of her beloved daddy! They were all eating one night, when the door bell rang. She seen a little chihuahua that was under the table. Dad was eating corn on the cob, when that little dog let out a bark, dad threw his corn cob up in the air and it landed on the floor behind him! She seen them wanting to laugh, but only after watching his face to see if he was mad or not. He was laughing so they laughed and she heard herself say she would get the door, getting up out of her chair with that little dog close on her heels barking. They were still laughing when she got back to the table and dad said i’m glad I wasn’t eating a bowl of soup! Who was at the door? Just the paper boy she then said she paid him the money he had by the door for him. Thanks, that’s my girl. Omg! She truly used to be happy! She used to be a content little girl! A normal little girl! Tears were coming from her eyes and she soaked that black blindfold but she wasn’t stopping, she wanted to see more! It was wonderful seeing her and her family laughing and truly enjoying life together! It was like she was watching a movie and the next scene made her feel sad so she made herself stay and find out why and not run away! As she continued to watch she seen she was playing in her room, and noticed it was silent in the livingroom, then she had a strange vibe come over her. She seen herself walking down the hall to the livingroom and found her whole family glued to the tv, crying and saying, how could this be! She looked at the screen and seen a lot of people standing along a street. A horse came down the street with big box on a wagon, with a big flag over the box with people walking behind it. She knew this wasn’t a fun parade, the way her family was crying watching it. She seen a little boy standing next to a woman and a girl. When the horse with the big box came by, the little boy raised his hand to his head and then brought it down again. She could hear and see her mom say, crying, oh look at him, doesn’t that just break your heart"! She hadn’t heard her voice for years, (and the tears came again, yet she forced herself to face this and not run again!) She never seen her mom and dad cry before, so this was bad that they were watchingand she wasn’t sure why they were crying, but if it was this bad to make them cry, and then she felt she should be crying too! She went back to her room, lay down at the foot of her bed, grabbed her teddy bear, held him tight and cried her little heart out! As she grew older she found out why they were all crying that day… The president was shot and that little boy that did that with his hand was his son, saluting his dad as he went by in his casket, the big box with the big flag over it!

So she seen she had good and bad memories in that house, that makes up life. She wasn’t always this sad, depressed, pathtic weak person she became as she grew older with a chip on her shoulder she dared by the way she acted and carried herself for anyone to knock off! (This was scary but wonderful seeing her like this)! As she forced herself to keep looking into her mind the fog kept clearing and the fuzzy images became clear pictures now! She seen one christmas eve, her friend a little older than her ride bikes with her down the street and it was starting to get dark! She had heard her mom tell this girl to ride with her! She was seeing how the street looked as they rode by that night. Every house they passed had fake snow around the windows and bright twinkling lights on their christmas trees standing in their front windows! The lights made the snow glisten like diamonds, it was all so beautiful! She had never been out at night, and this was a little girls dream! So peaceful, just the two of them riding down the hill looking at all the lights! She could almost feel the cold winter air as they rode back to her house that had the fake snow around the window and our christmas tree with twinkling lights too! She was still wondering why her mom let her ride her bike that late at night? She went in the front door and her eyes went to the most beautiful doll she had ever seen! She had on a red checkered dress, white socks, and black patened leather shoes, with long brown curly hair and big eyes with long lashes! She looked like her, she thought! She looked around the room and seen her family, along with the foster kid they took in smiling at her and she knew she was meant for her! Just for her! She ran over picked her up, swung her around and held her close to her chest! She could smell the newness of her plastic skin and hair; in the darkness under that blindfold she could smell the newness of that doll! She ran over and hugged her mom and dad and thanked them for her and promised them she would take care of her forever! What a wonderful christmas eve memory! She seen herself playing in and on an old chevy car that was parked next to her house. All the kids on our block played on it and acted like we were driving. One day we were taking turns climbing up the hood onto the roof and sliding down the trunk to the ground. She did it one too many times. That last time she was flying down off the trunk, with her legs apart and hit herself on the tall fin on the bumper! She remembered that hurt like hell! She found herself wincing on the couch as she watched herself limp into the house, to the kitchen where momma who was busy making her baked bread. She had forgotten about her baked bread, and how the smell filled the whole house! Lying on that couch she could still smell the dough from it! She loved her bread, but all she could think about was how she hurt down there! Mom raised her dress, and said hush, it’s not that bad, I know it hurts but it’s not bleeding, just bruised with a little scratch, it’s not bad. Kids judged how hurt they were by how much buckets of blood they were seeing! Ha! She guessed moms did too! She didn’t think she’d ever walk again! Her mom acted like this was nothing! She got a bag of ice wrapped it in a towel, layed her on the couch, put that ice bag over her dress, turned on the tv to cartoons and went back into the kitchen to make her bread! She told her, you’ll feel better tomorrow. She was convinced she would never be able to walk right again no matter what her mom said! Next day though she was back out running and playing with her friends! Mom knows best! She thought, she can’t remember going to a doctor. Her mom treated them herself. She seen she had a boil on the back of her leg. Those things hurt like hell too! It was big and pusy! She sterilized a needle and poked that bubble and white pus came running out! She then cracked an egg, pulled out the skin on the inside of the shell and put it over the boil. There she said, that will pull out the rest of the infection as the egg skin dries. A couple hours later she took off the skin put ointment on it and a band aid. The next couple days it was gone! Oh shit! So that is where she learned how to do this, from her momma! Watching all this started to answer some of her questions she had about her life! Inside her mind she was feeling that doom and gloom feeling she had had the first time she came here to the therapist office! She knew she was getting closer to the image (memory) that she didn’t know about, but it made her get that feeling of panic and made her heart beat faster and she was feeling hot and sweaty and she knew she had to hang in there, because this was it! She would finally get to remember and see now through these images she was finding out to be true memories she had blocked out of her mind her whole life! The thing that still haunted her to that day! That made her drink and take pills to forget! That thing that had caused her so much torment, and embarrasment, degradation, and pain! Omg! The pain she never knew from one time to the next if she would be able to survive it or not! She could feel the therapist hand gently squeezing her hand letting her know she was not alone and she could face this once and for all! Shortly after they had moved in and she was playing with her doll down in the basement, the basement that had been where her and her daddy stood looking down into! Why did this memory cause her heart to skip a beat and throw her into a panic! She set straight up on the couch taking off her blindfold and screamed at the therapist with tears streaming down her face, why can’t I remember what happened in that basement of her new house!!! The therapist said she had enough for today and it was wonderful she had opened up that part of her mind to see what she had been running away from all these years! She told her, she couldn’t see who it was! Her therapist reassured her since they had made this break through that question would be answered, maybe next time! She reminded her where the bathroom was and she went in to clean off her face; she was a hot mess, between the crying (which she never did)(she thought crying made her look weak, and she had to keep control of all situations and just push down those sad feelings deep inside her! The black mascara was running down her sweaty face! As she stood in front of the sink looking into the mirror she tried to make her mind focus on who it was, but she couldn’t see anything now! She would have to wait until her next visit to find out! She came out of the bathroom and this time her therapist gave her a hug and said in an excited tone you have made a big mental break through and there is nothing to be afraid of, I will be with you every step of the way as we continue to unravel this mystery in your mind! You have locked away many memories, it will take time to bring those memories back to the fore front of your mind where you had them locked away in the back of your mind and I will be here with you every step of the way! Well done and I will see you tomorrow I don’t want to wait to long between appointments so please come back tomorrow will you, promise me! She said she promised and she left with her head spinning! She stayed home that night, had a couple drinks to steady her nerves, and then went to bed early. This was so unlike her, she used to have a couple drinks just to get ready for the night at the clubs of drinking, dancing, and random sex with… Whoever! The next morning she found herself full of emotions she had never experienced before! The only two emotions she ever knew were hate and anger, now she might find out why! She was feeling almost happy at finding more memories she didn’t know she had! Yet she also felt fear of what those memories may be! Did she really want to know! Will she be able to handle all that she will find out about herself! All she knew was she couldn’t keep living with this pain these hidden memories had caused her all her life! She got showered, dressed and headed to the therapist office. Yes she was scared, maybe doubted that any of this would work, but she had to try, after all her life hadn’t worked out too good now anyway! She arrived at her office went in and lay back down on the couch. The therapist asked her if she wanted to keep trying the black blindfold or she could try something else. She told her she wanted to use the black blindfold, because somehow in that darkness she was able to see things and she didn’t want the memories to stop coming! The therapist agreed so she sat up and she put the blindfold over her eyes and she lay back down again. The first time she put the blindfold on her and she was left, in total darkness, it scared her.! This time it was like she was sitting in a dark movie theatre waiting for the movie to start! She lay there relaxed and it wasn’t long before the movie began playing in her mind! The first scene of her movie she was back in her new house with her family! She loved this memory and the warmth she felt in her heart, (a heart that had turned so cold over the years because life had turned her that way!)Now she seen them all sitting around the dinner table laughing and talking! She still couldn’t get over the fact she used to laugh! She hardly ever laughed, except when she was drunk! Now she sees herself laughing and acting normal with her family! Through the years her family had shunned her because they just couldn’t do anything to help her turn her life around, so they just stopped coming around her and moved away and then some died, like her mom and dad! No one contacted her to let her know they had died! After all they decided she was the preverbeble black sheep of the family! An embarassment to them and they didn’t want to be around her! She felt abandoned by all of them that were left! Well screw them, she thought! She didn’t need them or anybody she could make out just fine on her own! So to see her sitting at the table, it had to be the sunday table because their sat her favorite meal, fried chicken and all the fixings that went with it! Oh this was a wonderful, memory and she didn’t want it to stop, ever! Yet as we all know life changes, and the next scene in her movie turned dark! She still hadn’t seen who assaulted her the whole time she lived in that house! In the 1960’s it was common place for the men to have ‘dirty magazines that they looked at constantly and their sons would dig out from under their dad’s bed and him and his friends would sit and look at them for hours! These smut magazines gave the men sexual ideas to attack women, maybe even girls! Could it have been one of the men in the neighborhood that did this to her! Or one of their sons, getting into frenzy and acting out what they had seen in these terrible magazines, everyone always thought was just a normal ‘guy’ thing! These were not harmless magazines and the men knew looking at them knew it was wrong or they wouldn’t have them hidden away from prying eyes like their sons! So the sons knew it was wrong to be looking at them, that’s why they quickly looked, and put them back before their dad’s knew they were missing and the boys would get caught! Hey could it have been one of these neighborhood men’s sons? She still wasn’t getting a clear picture, she could see herself playing dolls in the basement and she could see a siluette of someone approaching her! She couldn’t make out who it was! Her mind wouldn’t let her! She just knew when she seen this much, she began panicking, and sweating, and her heart pounded in her chest, and the gas, bloating and pain began! She started hurting real bad and sat up taking off the blindfold, sat doubled over in that damn pain again! Damnit why can’t she see their face! She began rocking herself back and forth with her knees drawn up under her chin! Her therapist was getting a look first hand at what these memories were doing to her, and so was she! Then she felt embarrased she had to see her like this! She got up and ran to the bathroom and hit the toilet, ripping off her top to cool off her sweat drenched body! The pain was unbarable so she knew she had to take control of the situation and fast! She looked up at the ceiling to count the holes in it to distract her from this pain! Omg! There were no holes in the ceiling! The floor didn’t have any squares to count! The panic rose up in side of her and the pain intensified! She had to find something, and quick or she may not come back from this one! She grabbed the toilet paper and began counting the sheets as she unraveled it from the holder! This ‘distraction was starting to work! She felt herself start to calm down and the pain eased up a little! Keep counting she thought to herself, it’s working! After what seemed like hours, but was really minutes she came out of the bathroom totally ashamed and mortified the therapist had to witness that! She was at her desk writing something in her big notebook! What? Didn’t she hear what she goes through in there! Didn’t she care! Then the therapist looked up at her over her glasses and simply said feel better? She said yes, thanks and that was it! She told her to come back tomorrow, no wait, she would be out of town that weekend so make it monday. She said’sure, ok and shut the door to her office behind her. She felt confused why she didn’t say anything about what she knew she heard her going through in the bathroom! She also felt angry that she didn’t seem to care! Yet she also felt relieved she didn’t make a big deal out of what she witnessed and asked her about it! This she felt at the same time! She gave her no encouraging words or praised her for how well she done today, facing her fears about the thing that wanted to destroy her or rather make her destroy herself! Oh well the hell with it and the hell with her! She had all weekend to party and party she was going to do! Last night she behaved herself, but tonight was her time to howl! She was going to reward herself for going through all that hell with that bitch just sitting there writing in that damn notebook like nothing ever happened! She seen and heard the hell she had to go through to do this! Well if she wasn’t going to encourage her she would find some liquid encouragement on her own! She had a few well deserved drinks she thought. Put some loud music on while she got dressed dancing around the room, getting excited at the prospect of what may lay ahead of her tonight! Mostly she was looking forward to being with someonetonight! She had been so preoccupied on this memory quest which she was beginning to doubt would ever lead somewhere and set her mind free finally once and for all! Oh it was so much