Real: A Mom’s Journey from Expectation to Reality

By Charlotte Gatlin

Coping with life’s trials and tribulations can be tough – with motherhood, life, divorce, bankruptcy, and cancer – Charly always knew the Lord heard her pleas and would carry her though.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jun 26, 2019
• ISBN: 9781973665489

Charlotte Gatlin

Charlotte’s difficult circumstances led her to use her faith and humor to guide her towards the happiness she always wanted. The journey is heartbreaking, witty and – most importantly – inspiring.

Book preview

Chapter 1

I got my first job right when I turned sixteen. It was at a convenience store where I met my future husband, Danny. We didn’t run in the same circles or even attend the same high school. But as the Lord would have it, after a six-year time span of dating, breaking up, having other boyfriends, and experiencing character-building moments, we were married. The weather on our wedding day was less than ideal - as was being walked down the aisle by my dad, who was facing his second battle with adenocarcinoma (lung cancer). Although he was losing his hair and felt puny, I was honored to be walked down the aisle by him. On that rainy, emotional day, I became a missus.

We experienced the usual bumps along the way as newlyweds, including some disagreements over money and when to have babies, but we had a great beginning. There was lots of love, house projects, camping, laughter, and hope for our future. We bought our first house after being married for just three months and soon got a puppy I named Dutch. He was hysterical, naughty, and taught us a lot about what having patience means.

After a few years of both of us working full time, (me) longing for a positive pregnancy test, and living life, we moved into an old farmhouse close to my parents. We knew it was an emotional buy but that big green-and-white farmhouse had something we both loved. We knew we would make it a home.

In 2002, I finally got the positive pregnancy test I had been longing for and was able to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a mom. I quit my full-time job one week before Daniel King (nicknamed DK) arrived at a whopping nine pounds and three ounces. I was instantly in love and excited to stay home to raise our little family.

Except our little family of three grew faster than anticipated. DK was just five months old when I found out I was pregnant again! As I cleaned the house and got prepared for DK’s first birthday party, I anticipated baby 2 popping out at any time. Thankfully, he hung in there, making it twelve months and ten days between their two birthdays. In the summer of 2004, we were blessed with Peter Willis. He was an even bigger boy at nine pounds and six ounces. While DK came out with his eyes wide open and head bobbing to check out the world around, Pete just kept his eyeballs shut for two days and chilled out.

It was just after Pete was born that emotions were at an all-time high. I was sore, tired, and unsure about how to balance a one-year-old and a newborn. I didn’t know which end was up. Tears were streaming down my face, and I just needed a moment to vent. I didn’t expect Dan’s reaction at all. I knew he was struggling with the stress of it all, too, but from my point of view, I was the one doing the work. He took my emotions and quadrupled them in that moment. He began yelling at me and I was struggling to make sense of it all.

This is why we aren’t having any more children! he screamed.

I felt small and insignificant, but at the time, I also believed maybe he was right. I wasn’t handling it very well. Maybe I was being irrational. How I was feeling made sense to me, and his reaction did not. I resolved at that moment to keep my thoughts quiet and just buck up. Being so overwhelmed, I always felt the need for help, but I never knew the right ways to ask for it.

All the sleepless nights, bottles, diaper blowouts - I handled them. My husband had a job and I didn’t (as was told to me), so he needed his sleep. And to be honest, the years of having two boys that close in age were fast and were one of my favorite times in my life. We spent countless hours playing with Little People and cars from the movie Cars; we went to play groups and spent time at parks with picnics. We also spent all kinds of time with my folks, who lived about thirteen miles away on the lake. And we spent time with Danny’s parents, who eventually moved closer to be near their grandkids.

As the kids grew, so did my understanding that I needed to be very careful of what I expected, or thought should be normal, based on what families around us had. I was living my dream of being a mom. Why wouldn’t I do it all on my own? My husband had a good job and a lot of responsibility at work, so I could make sure home ran smoothly. Over time, though, I felt I wasn’t meeting the expectations of a stay-at-home mom. I began making sure the house clutter was picked up and the floor was vacuumed nearly every day by the time he got home from work. I started fearing I would upset him if it wasn’t.

In late 2006, I found out we were expecting baby number three. I was really excited, but Danny struggled with the news. I would sit in the gliding rocking chair, in the prepped violet-and-white gingham nursery, while clinging to my oversized belly and sobbing. I’d look out of the side yard window and cry to the Lord for help in what was to come. He had given us this child, and He would provide. I went to all but one of my prenatal appointments by myself. Danny came to see if it was a boy or girl. As he saw it, I did this on purpose. So, I resolved I would just have to raise this little girl on my own.

As time clicked on by, Danny would spend more time away from home, either hunting for a week or weekend here and there or going to the bar with his buddies. It got to a point where having him gone actually made it easier. We could do our daily routine of lunches, naps, playtime, dinner, and bedtime. At the local gym, we started trying new things like soccer and tumbling classes to keep busy. It was easier to do it on my own, and when Dan would show up, it was a bonus. I was asked where he was the times he didn’t show up. I’m thankful that over time, people just stopped asking.

When Anna came along, I struggled with some postpartum depression (and acne - yuck!) after she was born but tried to soldier on so that I wouldn’t hear about it from Dan. One real positive to having Anna Rose was that she corrected my vision, both literally and figuratively! After giving birth to her, I no longer needed to wear my contacts or glasses. I could now see how she completed our family.

During those years, we fixed up and tried selling our prized farmhouse so that we could get into something that didn’t require as much work. Mom and Dad chipped in a lot to help with the kids, even giving me a day off during the week to run errands, take a nap, paint a room, or have lunch with a friend. Having that time really helped me recharge my battery.

As the days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and months to years, soon it was 2010. Looking back, I do believe that was the most difficult year of my life. I kept a journal close to the bed to keep track of my thoughts and hopes and to cry out to the Lord in prayer, for help, for guidance, and for provision.

Chapter 2

January 8, 2010

We had a house showing today. I’m remaining hopeful that we’ll get to move into the new house we put money down on. A whopping $7,000; that’s a lot for us. Having the previous buyers back out just before closing really hit us hard. But we’ll keep trying.

Both boys had a good day at school today and stayed on green, which is the stoplight system they use for good behavior. Dad always teases them about getting on red. I think that has only happened once this year for DK in kindergarten. With Petey-Wheat being so squirrely, I’m surprised he doesn’t get on yellow more in young fives.

Anna is so precious with her talking and the things she says. She learned today that my name is Charlotte. I’d ask her, and she’d say, You Mom, Momma, Charonine, in her little two-year-old voice. I need to record it more. It seems the video camera got a lot more use on the first two!

January 10, 2010

I truly enjoyed playing games with the kids tonight. We had a sock ball fight, built a fort, tickled, and tackled. They are so fun. Now they are in bed and conked. Anna keeps saying she’s going on Mama’s potty as she climbs on the toilet. She’s so cute.

DK impressed me so much today. He’s so smart; he picks up on things so quickly. Pete is tenderhearted and wanted me to carry him up to bed tonight. Dutch is lying next to me on Danny’s side of the bed because he’s still not home yet. I’m not sure where he is, but the quiet house is just fine by me.

January 11, 2010

Most people have cushy lap dogs who love to go on car rides. Perhaps they like to nuzzle their noses out the half-opened window and feel the cool breeze on their furry faces. Or perhaps they like to look out the window longingly at the world of unknowns, wondering what smells are out there, and what other dogs they might meet. This is not ours.

I drove around for two hours with Dutch, only to find out the people were a no-show to our house showing. They were running late and didn’t make it. If they only knew what work went into it! I drove anywhere I thought possible to occupy Dutch’s mind. He kept hopping onto our groceries in the back. Three times he jumped on the loaves of bread and squashed anything in his path. He was nervous, whining, and hopping from back to front, front to back. He even tried to roll down the window with his paw. I have learned to lock the windows because he has nearly decapitated himself by rolling the window up on his own head. The dog knows how to work power windows.

Here he is, hopping from DK’s seat to Anna’s to whine and to stick his nose out the window. And to find out the folks never showed up! This is the not-so-fun part of trying to sell a house.

January 25, 2010

I feel like I am acting discontent. I’m trying so hard for it not to show, but it’s really difficult. Dan has been struggling quite a bit, and I don’t know what to do. I’m not supposed to talk about it with anyone; he told me I can’t. Instead, here I sit, writing in my journal by the light of my cell phone because he’s in bed, and I’m not allowed to turn a light on. I’m not sure where to turn or what to do.

Lord, please help me know when to intervene. I know he is struggling with his own feelings and thoughts. I haven’t quite figured out how to help him when he’s like this. It seems easier when he’s not home, though. I feel awful admitting that. When he is home he seems more and more disconnected from me and the kids. Oh, Lord, please guide me!

January 26, 2010

Tonight I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt for getting after the kids today. I got after Pete to think because he gets so wrapped up in his own la-la land sometimes. And DK kept asking, is this the right decision? when coming up with ways to spend his allowance. I ended up getting Anna back out of bed after bedtime so I could sit with her on my lap. She sat with me to watch American Idol and kept turning to smile at me, looking me dead center in the eye. My eyes filled up with tears. I treasure that genuine love she shows me in her sweet, two-year-old face.

Another night of doing it all solo. Sometimes I get nervous not knowing what to expect when he’s out so late like this. This is becoming the pattern; it’s every other night he is away from home. I’m not sure where he is or who he is with. As difficult as this is, when he is home there is still this feeling that it’s just me and the kids. He sits with his laptop on his lap, earbuds in his ears - watching something different than us. He is becoming so disconnected. It seems like he is a million miles away from me, from these precious humans who bring so much joy. I’m not sure how to fix this, how to change it.

January 31, 2010

I really want to sell this house! I am trying my best to keep it clean all of the time in case we get a showing, but between the kids and Dutch, that is a challenge. The fun part is looking for a new house. Something bigger and in a neighborhood would be great. With the kids this young, we don’t need to worry so much about what elementary school they end up at. I just want it to be the right house where we can have memories and grow.

I hope, after Danny and I’s lengthy discussion yesterday, that he can meet some of his personal goals. He said he wants to quit drinking so much beer. I want that, too. I’ve never had a drink before in my life, so the idea of having alcohol out of the house is just fine by me. Tomorrow is a new day, a new month.

Chapter 3

February 1, 2010

The song Seek Ye First is in my head right now. Thank you, Lord, for another day of healthy kids, for Dan’s and my relationship, and how You continue to bless us. It feels great to see You are working in our lives, oh Lord. We are wanting to grow and learn. Please show us how to pray together as a family and how to seek You in these hard times.

I am grateful, Lord, for the genuine smiles on our children’s faces. For how excited Anna gets when she sees me. She loves her mama.

February 2, 2010

Anna is putting on any hat, gloves, and mismatched shoes she can find. She thinks she’s going outside to play with the boys.

Where my oder one gwub, Mom? (where is her other glove)

The other two are outside, burning off some energy. We’ve had a typical sort of day. Pete, Anna, and I slept in until 8 am, which is some kind of miracle. DK was up before that but stayed nice and quiet. He’s a really considerate kid.

DK wanted to go to Target to spend some money from his piggy bank. On these days during the week, when the boys don’t have school, it’s a challenge to keep busy. There we were, walking up and down every aisle at Target, both boys having an impossible time deciding what they want to spend their fortunes on. Anna kept saying she had to pee, so we ended up in the restroom several times, which I’m guessing haven’t been cleaned in a week. DK finally decided on a Lightsaber, and Pete: A Nerf gun.

Once we were home and the kids were playing with their new found items, fighting ensued along with crying and accidentally hitting each other in the face. Let’s just say my irritation level went up about three notches and the yelling began. I always regret yelling after the fact, but in the moment, I’m not sure what else to do! Needless to say, we got creative, and they went outside.

February 5, 2010

Last night, around 12:36 am, (roughly - Dad and I joke because we pay attention to the exact time), Anna started crying.

I hopped out of bed to check on her, and she had barfed. She was standing in her crib telling me, Mommy, akkies on it, dare puke on my pillow. Dare puke on my bwankie, dare puke on my arm.

I picked her up out of bed, cleaned her up with new jammies, and replaced her sheets. By this point, she was shaking from being cold in yucky jammies. So I wrapped her up in blankets as I sat on the floor and rocked her back and forth. Then we started talking.

Where da moon go, Momma? I told her it was hiding.

She wondered, The dun-dine hide-een too, Momma?

Yep, the sunshine is hiding, too, Anna. Then we talked about how Jesus is up in the sky, too.

She looks out her window and says, I can’t see De-dus Mom?

We talked a few minutes about where He is and how He’s in our hearts. She finally stopped quivering, and I put her back in bed. Being as particular as she is, she had to have all new blankets. I got her all set, gave her a kiss and said, Ni-nights. She pulled her little hand out from under her covers and curled her precious fingers into a wave with a big smile.

Ni-nights moon and dun-dine too… Ni-nights De-dus.

February 8, 2010

I lost count of how many times I was up last night lending a hand to any one of the kids or helping Danny out of his bad dream. Pete had to cough and kept trying to swallow to make it go away. Yet, he just had to report to me every five minutes that it was still in his throat! Anna woke up a few times needing Kleenex and DK woke me up simply to see if I had checked on him yet.

That, and each time I got up, Sunny got all excited and started slapping his tail against the dresser. We like dog-sitting for Sunny; he’s so sweet, and it gives Dutch a buddy. Dutch also kept whining when I got up. So in addition to the humans’ needs, I had to cater to Dutch with getting him a drink in the bathtub. He will literally pull back the shower curtain, hop in the tub, and wait until I turn the faucet on. He’s a freshwater snob. If I don’t know that he’s in there waiting for me, he will get out of the tub and nudge the closed toilet seat until I respond.

February 9, 2010

I feel like Danny is very sensitive tonight. The kids are so precious, and I wish they didn’t have to be picking up on mood swings. Yet they do, and they handle it. It’s something I’m proud of, and, at the same time, it makes me sad. He has been struggling this week, and it’s getting harder to come out of it. We got a chance to talk this morning, and I told him how I am at a loss for words when his mind is in that dark place.

I don’t blame him - I just really don’t like where it leads. And it seems when things start going downhill, they can spiral. When things change back to normal, there is a sense of peace. Like I can breathe; we’ve made it. But I’m not there right now.

Dear Lord, please help Dan every moment and our incredible kids as they grow. Thank you for the gift each individual one is to us. They are so amazing; they are so special.

February 16, 2010

Yesterday on our car ride home, Pete said, Mom, I never want your face to change. He’s so cute. We got into a conversation about someday, when he is a professional singer, he will get me tickets to sit in the very front and after he sings a song he will come give me a hug right away.

DK fell asleep in our bed again tonight. When he gets scared, it’s where he feels safe. I say, Ok, I suppose, but it always makes me smile.

I have been wondering how I can help my husband. I feel like he doesn’t really want to talk about what’s on his mind. It’s hard and doesn’t make sense to me, but I’m trying to be supportive. It really scared me tonight when he threw his cell phone up against the garage in a rage-filled moment. It shattered into all sorts of pieces, and he thought it was funny. I stood there with a blank look on my face. What about this scenario is funny?

I’ve been feeling like I’m in the way, so going to bed earlier on these nights is my best option. I am leery of the conflict or anger I may otherwise face. Perhaps it is not the best thing to avoid it, but I can’t find the strength to handle it some days.

February 17, 2010

I’m a tad irritated.

I’m irritated that I’ve put on a few pounds.

I’m irritated that I can’t ever have all of the clothes in the house clean and put away at once.

I’m irritated that no room stays picked up for more than four minutes.

I’m irritated that every single time Anna sneezes, I have to run for a Kleenex.

I’m irritated that we haven’t had showings on our house.

I’m irritated that I have to vacuum again.

I guess I’m a little more than a tad irritated…

February 18, 2010

I had the opportunity to help in Pete’s class at school and it was wonderful! What a fun bunch of five-year-olds. All different, yet the same. I got to sit in the library with them, and one of the little girls in Pete’s class asked to sit on my lap. I loved it.

Afterwards, I headed for Mom and Dad’s house to pick up Anna. Mom asked if I would stop at the pharmacy to get Dad’s new prescriptions. She finally convinced Dad to see the doctor this morning and, sure enough, he has pneumonia. Since his two bouts of cancer, his immune system isn’t what it used to be.

When I got to their house, Anna was up from her nap, and Mom was visiting with her friend, Rosemary. I noticed on one of Dad’s medications that he should probably start on it right away, so I headed to find him downstairs sleeping. He was lying there in my old bedroom, shirt all undone, covers tossed to the side, with his eyes closed, and he was moaning.

I said, Dad? and that startled him awake.

I don’t usually call him Dad. We have never called each other Charlotte or Dad. If he calls me by name, I know it’s something serious. It’s typically a name out of love, something silly and light-hearted. But this occasion called for Dad. We visited for a minute, in between him trying not to cough and trying to get his bearings. I felt awful seeing him like that. I didn’t stay too long because I didn’t want to wear him out, and I had to get home in time for the school bus.

In a quick decision, I thought, I’ll go the back way home, it will be quicker. Little did I know, taking that way home would prove quite the entertainment. Anna and I ended up in a ditch, met a tow truck driver who gave us a free tow and free show - his pants fell down to his knees while hooking us up to his truck! Fortunately, I was able to get ahold of Mom, who drove to meet the bus in the knick of time.

While Nan and the boys were waiting for us to get there, Dutch and Sunny managed to destroy the dining room blinds again. They were so excited to see humans and wanted to come out to play, but Mom didn’t have a house key. So that was neat.

I’m happy to report that Dad seems to be feeling stronger. I pray he’ll feel back to normal soon. And as for Mom, she’s having a biopsy tomorrow.

February 20, 2010

We went to see Mom and Dad today and had a very nice visit. Glad to see Dad up and around! Mom looked sore from her biopsy, but they are both on the mend. The kids were thrilled to see them both and did a nice job going easy on Papa. They usually tackle him and pretend punch him in the gut. But they didn’t today.

I also learned a new fact - Peter doesn’t like to be kissed on the lips anymore. He says it’s too wet, so when we kiss him we do as they do in England, or wherever they go moo-wah on each cheek. The kid is so rare.

February 23, 2010

I was downstairs watching TV when I heard a horrific, loud boom come from upstairs. I went running and found Danny weeping, laying half of his body over DK while he slept. DK was sound asleep until the weight on top of him woke him up. Puzzled, he looked at me and then dozed back to sleep. I sat down next to Dan and kept whispering, what happened?

He couldn’t even lift his head, he just laid there. When he eventually got up, he walked into our bedroom and fell to his knees. I asked him how many beers he had, but he wouldn’t answer. He just wept, and I didn’t know what to do.

He finally gathered his wits and told me his doctor diagnosed him with Bipolar Disorder. So many thoughts came racing through my mind. I felt a sense of clarity, of course that’s what it is. The mood swings, anger, impulsivity, and aggression. I guess I wasn’t surprised. My heart went out to him, seeing how hard it hit him. Having a title makes it hard to swallow, I understand that. I don’t want him to get caught up in the title, though. As much as it made sense to me, I’m at a loss for words. He won’t let me in. What can I do? How can I help him move forward from this spot?

Lord God, please show me how I can be used in this, how I can be helpful to him during these upcoming days. I know he is struggling to find peace, and I want to help him. Show me, Oh Lord. Please give me wisdom and patience.

February 24, 2010

Dutch, being more calm in the car this time, made for a pleasant surprise and gave us more time to enjoy ourselves. We needed to be out of the house for an hour for the showing. Unfortunately, the showing time was also bedtime. So this called for a lot of drive-bys to see if there were any cars in our driveway. Dan drove around in his car, while I did the same with the kids, and we kept trying to find each other around town. The kids liked making it a game and it helped make the time go by faster.

February 25, 2010

Seems it’s been a crazy week! I pulled a neck muscle while trying to shave my legs. Apparently I need to do that more often, to stay limber, because now I can’t look to the right without turning my whole body. It didn’t help having to unclog the upstairs toilet with everyone claiming they have no idea how it happened.

Now the dog is outside barking at his own shadow, and the boys are supposed to be doing quiet time (QT) while Anna naps. But she saw me in the bathroom upstairs and started talking. I just went about my plunging business and came back downstairs thinking that the house will give me some peace, but then comes Peter to tell me Anna wants a drink of water. Oh, and she has to go potty. How do kids learn how to stall at this age already? I asked Pete to get her up and help her go potty. He did, and they were just a bowl full of giggles until I went up and broke up the fun. I think they now realize I mean quiet with QT. Here’s to hoping my sanity will return this afternoon. And maybe, just maybe, our next house will have more than one working bathroom…

Mom and Dad headed to Arizona today. Honestly, I always struggle it when they leave. Before they left, I went over to send a few things with them