What If This Is Enough?: Essays.

By Daniela Henry

With poignant candor, humor and thought-provoking articles, essayist and blogger Daniela Henry, writes about emotional and powerful thoughts, parenting, travels, books and inspiration while chronicling her life with her own ups and downs. Smart, edgy, hilarious, sometimes raw and unabashed raunchy, Henry explodes onto the printed page in her first book. You will learn about minimalism, how not to kill you(r) child(ren), how to save money, minimalism, love, life and how to be happy because you only have this one life. Sometimes you just have to laugh, even when your life is a complete dumpster fire.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Aug 20, 2019
• ISBN: 9781796053753

Book preview

Copyright © 2019 by Daniela Henry.

ISBN:                  Softcover                        978-1-7960-5376-0

                            eBook                             978-1-7960-5375-3

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Rev. date: 08/20/2019

Xlibris

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

801494

For my son Joel and K.L.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Introduction

. 37.

. What Feels Right – One Week Birthday Aftermath.

. Focus.

. Forgiving Myself.

. Panda Watch Recommendations.

. Mostly Aware But Sometimes Raw.

. This Woman.

. This Journey.

. Questions I Ask Myself.

. It Is All In The Waves.

. Time, Lies & Leftovers.

. Things I Hate.

. A Weekly Food Diary – A Holistic Perspective.

. Things I Do Not Buy Anymore.

. Small Steps.

. Seasons.

. Thoughts On Humor.

. The Story I Am Telling In My Head Is…."

. One Unripe Avocado.

. The Architect Of My Life.

. Limited But Tenacious Thinking.

. Consistency.

. Ghosts In The Shell – Two Phone Calls.

. Five.

. Embrace Imperfection.

. Joel Lately.

. Getting To The Heart Of The Matter.

. Mindfulness.

. And Then You Die – Opening Up On Ptsd.

. Romance.

. Twinkle Lights And Tears.

. Breaking Open.

. My Canadian Winter Mechanism.

. Someone Sets The Tone.

. Weird Things German People Do – The Ultimate German Guide.

. Premature Grief – And Then Tears Fall.

. Struggles.

. Turning Toward.

. How I Wrote My Book.

. Vide Cor Meum.

. Important Questions To Ask Before Getting Married.

. Tidying Up This Mess.

. Espresso And Cannoli.

. The Miracle Of The Mundane.

. Ready…. Set…. Wait.

. Not Your Typical Mom.

. Pandemonium And Enlightenment.

. A Conversation About Love.

. Disaster Preparedness: Bring A Book.

. Fear Itself.

. Shame Wizard.

. To My Mother.

. Today Was A Good Day.

. Usually Nice As F***.

. Meanwhile, On A Different Planet.

. Permanently Insane.

. D As In Domestic Violence – A Letter.

. Life Itself: You Are Going To Die.

. The Uncertainty Principle And Then There Is Always Ice Cream.

. 38.

. New Directions.

. When In Doubt, Rent A Pedal Boat.

. I Don’t Know.

. Thoughts On Separation And Divorce.

. Ask Sometimes Raw.

. Ask Sometimes Raw: How Do I Get Over A Betrayal.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

This book is a collection of essays and short stories. When I took my blog Sometimes Raw online, I started to write seriously and almost daily. Initially, I have to admit that it was a messy and half-hearted project, but I was always passionate about writing. My goal was always to publish what I have to say and see my book on a shelf in a bookstore.

I published my first book Sometimes Raw in 2018; a year that I will always remember as full of struggle, stress, anxiety but also love. I would like to thank a bunch of people for their help, unconditional love and support in any way.

Thank you to:

My family in Germany, especially Elfriede and Eberhardt Weiss. Mom and dad, we have been through a lot in the last couple of months. My life seemed very chaotic and painful for a while, but you showed me the light and carried me through the hard times when I could not walk anymore. I love you both.

Thank you to my son Joel. He is my light. It is the greatest honor of my life to be your mom. Because of you, I know what unconditional love means. Off to new adventures, my love.

My family in Canada: Judith, Keith and especially Kevin Lockett. You all make me very happy. Thank you for all your help. Spending time at the cottage is very special. My happy place. And sanding and digging out a Weber-grill in the winter is fun indeed.

Thanks to all my friends in Germany who follow my blog, especially, Veronika (best friends for life for over 35 years!), Judith, Claudia, Georg Schott (good times, good conversations and the best pizza bread ever), Moni Schott, the von der Weth family, Susi & Alex, Julia, Lisa (this too shall pass), Martina, Uwe and Sylvia (Miles and More), Martina (thank you for all your help!),

Thanks to all my friends in Canada who follow my blog; especially Anna, Anne, Dat (the password is always Alexis); Simona (I treasure our friendship. I am so glad we met); Laura Kelly (THE wedding photographer in Ottawa), Erin (I walk your cute kids to school anytime) and Missy from the school playground.

Thank you Ørian. At this point, how about exploring the Edvard Munch Museum in Oslo?

And last, my ex-husband: Have you figured out what is really important in your life?

INTRODUCTION

Usually, before I make a decision, I tend to think about all the possible outcomes and scenarios. I like to be prepared. The decision to publish another book actually started as soon as the first one was on the market. Being an avid reader and book-lover, this was one of the best moments in my life.

In my first book I spilled out all my excitement on paper, opened my creative outlet because it felt right to not keep my thoughts, opinions and words to myself. However, the content only has value if it connects to you, dear reader. What if this is enough? is different from my first book or, let’s say, a continuation and it reflects my struggle through a very tough time in my life: my life before, through and after divorce. I will share tips and tricks that helped me, and maybe you can connect with the ideas proposed as well even though the thoughts presented here are nothing revolutionary.

A lot has changed within one year, but one thing has been consistent. My desire and urge to write. I believe that writing helped me to get through the hardest times and let me see a little light at the end of the tunnel. Writing is my therapy. Especially, when the world seems to tell me lies about who I am, how I should live and what happiness means. Or when life keeps throwing curveballs at me, or some people have to suffer because of certain actions taken for no damn reason. I am opening up a bit more in this book and don’t care if I disturb the calm atmosphere that some people are seemingly in because they just pretend and are insecure. Deep inside they know. Deep inside they know what they have done.

These days, I am standing on my own two feet and am fully accountable for all my actions. I have no debt; I am happy and content because I gained my long-lost power back. I learned that it is crucial to take time to build a relationship and not to fall head over heels in love.

Self-discovery and my healing journey had begun late in 2017. I am not that blind anymore; I opened my eyes and altered my point of view on many things. I mentally and spiritually grew. I gained more knowledge, read a ton, got my diploma and can call myself a certified holistic nutritionist now. For a long time, I realized a growing discomfort with my familiar environment which manifested in some initial bad feelings. I had this absolute awareness that something was wrong in my marriage, I just did not know what it was and how to put words around it all. The seed of a growing curiosity was planted, however. On October 31st, 2017, the loss of appetite for everything that once brought me satisfaction, love, contentment, hope, and desire burst like a bubble.

Suddenly I felt alone, and I felt so many poisons that lay in the most unexpected places. My hopes and dreams were poisoned, principles and values and fears, what I do and do not deserve and betrayal that I should accept because it never happened. Other circumstances exacerbated these problems dramatically and a false thoughtfulness was quickly interpreted as uncertainty and insecurity. I could not take any more exaggerations (killed 15 people with his bear arms, lies (IQ test of 164) and desperate justifications that were shady and smelled bad. I did not, day by day and minute by minute, want to be robbed of the present by analyzing the past and worrying about the future. After all, when things go wrong, we only have ourselves to blame.

My gut told me to get out of this mess, so I did. I have a lot of work do to and start by embracing the imperfection of the present moment and how to navigate each day together with my son. I imagined a different kind of life and a different style of living and so far, it will all works out. I figured out what I really want and can do and dropped this belief that I am in charge of all significant decisions and turns in life. I am not. Sometimes, all we can do is wait but if we really focus on what we want, it will happen. The universe will make it happen if it is meant to be, but patience is the result of understanding.

Now, enjoy my book.

. 37.

Every year I have mixed feelings about my birthday. Maybe because this number is changing so quickly and a 4 is in near sight. Or because my son asked me the other day, Mommy how old are you going to be on Thursday? Me, 37, Joel. Joel, Wow, this is very old, mommy. Like dinosaur-old. Crickets and silence on my end. Then again, it is just a number. It dawned on me however that I spend a ridiculous amount of energy every year to decide whether I am comfortable with my approaching non-problematic birthday or not.

Is birthday anxiety a thing? Kind of how I don’t like Valentine’s Day? Or how I don’t really care about New Year’s Eve? Deep inside, the optimist in me believes that each and every birthday is going to be a memorable event. Yet, the misanthrope in me thinks that it is silly to place any type of significance on it at all since it is just a day like any other. Just a day on the calendar. Or is it the best day of the year? This is when I was born, on a Sunday at 11.30am, 37 years ago. Some birthdays in the past I do remember clearly while others are simply hazy memories. But maybe this year will be different? Am I trapped in a contradictory hoop of insanity, cynicism or hope? I am an analyst, so I thought I’d give this birthday mystery a little bit of a stir-up by giving my birthday a little neurotic psychological spin and asking the question, Does my birthday make me sad?

Three months out: Awesome, it is my sister’s birthday on April 4th which means it is exactly 100 days until it’s my big day. Whoohoo. Maybe I should start planning something special like a one-week trip just by myself. Without my son. Maybe a retreat. Or travel somewhere with someone special?

Two months out: Okay, maybe this trip idea was a bit crazy. I mean, going somewhere over the weekend, maybe. It would also be cool to get my closest friends together for dinner and drinks.

One month out: I don’t even care about my birthday at all. Maybe I just don’t do anything. It is just another day. Maybe nobody remembers. Let me take my birthday date off on Facebook.

Three weeks out: Okay, I am just going to chill. Birthdays are completely overrated. I don’t care about mine. Whatever happens, happens.

Two weeks out: Maybe someone is secretly planning a party or something special for me. That would be so sweet. Maybe they are just not telling me about it. Then again, I hate surprises.

Nine days out: Okay, obviously nobody dropped any hints about a secret birthday party. Just my son who asked if I invite him to my birthday party. Duh. To fully skip my birthday makes me feel weird, too. I will just plan a nice dinner with one or two friends.

One week out: Okay, a small dinner sounds kind of sad. Maybe I just invite a bunch of people to a big birthday dinner celebration. Whoever wants to come can come. And maybe we can all go out after? I get a babysitter. Maybe we can do it on Friday since my birthday is actually on a Thursday this year?

Five days out: (putting the Facebook birthday notification back on. I am pathetic) Formally asking people to celebrate with me makes me feel kind of weird. Also, most of my friends here have kids, so they won’t have time anyway. Babysitters are so expensive after all. And then how would they get along since many of them are from different backgrounds.

Four days out: Okay, do I even have friends? Like real friends? Maybe five really good ones. Okay, maybe just two. Or I invite everybody over to my new place/house occupied by Carleton University professors only, to help me move furniture and decorate all night long. Maybe not a good idea. But we could spy on Erik Karlsson. Maybe also not a good idea.

Three days out: It is ridiculous at this point. F*** it. I am literally not doing anything on my birthday. It is on a Thursday, so nobody wants to hang out anyway. Also not on Friday.

Two days out: Shit, I think I actually do care about my birthday. Nobody will remember it. I have no friends.

One day out: I don’t know what is sadder: Not even mentioning my birthday at all, telling everyone or doing something awkward. Option number one. This is the best. Then I will enjoy a glass of red wine by myself tomorrow night.

Actual BIRTHDAY: It is my birthday, bitches. The world is my oyster. I tell everyone and everybody is supposed to treat me like a queen. Birthdays are so awesome. Awesome dinner, awesome conversations, and cheesecake with the ones who are very close! My psychology professor would be very proud of me. Let’s see what will happen within in the next year but some awesome things are already lined up. I am not setting unreachable targets and goals and just share some things I want to focus on. Firstly, I will start with things that are actually achievable or doable.

My life is great these days even though the last couple of months were rough. I am not living in the past anymore. The past is over, and I am moving on pretty nicely. I stopped comparing myself to others and enjoy what I am doing. I will look back at all this and think about what I have learned from that experience. Most importantly, however, I will treat myself with kindness and focus on my health. Welcome, 37!

. WHAT FEELS RIGHT – ONE WEEK BIRTHDAY AFTERMATH.

I recently turned 37, still studying and unemployed in this awesome country I want to make my new home. When I decided (twice) to leave my stable, full-time jobs to enter into the unpredictable world of academia, research, studying, freelancing and occasionally working at a bookstore, I knew deep down that this was the right decision. My gut told me to go for it while my brain desperately tried to hold on to security, safety, routine, and comfort. Some friends told me that I am completely nuts for taking this step while others encouraged me and mentioned that they are proud of me for leaving something I struggled with and made me unhappy to pursue what I am passionate about.

It is all about choices in life. Choices to leave partners and find others. The choice to leave a job that did not fulfill me to find something different even if it means the start will be tougher and uncertain. However, it is something I am exploring and that I really want to do so I step outside of my comfort zone and go for it. Believe me, it is/was hard at points since I am not alone. I have an almost 5-year-old to raise and feed.

I am taking a professional skills development course this semester (best one so far!) and the instructor Lisa J. Weiss (coincidence?) told me things that I have been trying to tell myself on a daily basis for the last couple of months. It was only when she said it to me and showed me new ways to redefine my life by leading from within that it really, truly hit home. If I am being completely honest, the past couple of months have been pretty tough. I have been struggling with my marriage, divorce, and the question where I should be in life, what is expected of me, and where I need to be and what I actually want. Turning 37 was nothing big for me in terms of feeling sad. It is just a number and another day. The little parties I have had with people I treasure dearly were awesome. However, what has been completely throwing me off recently is choosing to change my career path.

Most days are awesome, but others have my metabolism completely drop off the face of this earth and anxiety starts to creep in making me question my choices and life trajectories. Sort of like, "Daniela, you are 37. You should have a house or cottage, duh! (half paid off) and two garages at this point. Your property should be protected by a white wooden fence. There have to be two garages at least, a dog, a cat, two kids (boy and girl) and the occasional Friday-night babysitter on speed-dial who comes over so you and your