21 Good Old Days: Live Not Survive

By Gabrielle May

I was broken, shattered and everything was taken away from me. I had no choice but to give up. Give up on everything. Give up on myself. Every time I tried to move on, the strings in my life pull me back so strong that neither could I move an inch from where I was nor could I break those strings. Why did they do this to me? How could they do this to me? I lost everything. I LOST MYSELF! Why am I living? For what? For whom?

I stood there in front of the bathroom mirror tapping my fingers on the basin, thinking that my strings would pull me back any moment but something made me feel they weren’t gonna pull me this time and for the last time I looked into the mirror ‘INTO THE MIRROR’ to see myself but what I saw was all the terrible things that happened in my life, every possible reason why I could end my life right now. I closed my eyes and all I could remember was the 21 good old days in my miserable life…

• Language: English
• Publisher: Partridge Publishing Singapore
• Release date: Feb 24, 2020
• ISBN: 9781543751543

Book preview

21 Good Old

Days

Live not Survive

GABRIELLE MAY

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Copyright © 2020 by Gabrielle May.

ISBN:      Softcover      978-1-5437-5153-6

                 eBook           978-1-5437-5154-3

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

www.partridgepublishing.com/singapore

CONTENTS

Prologue

Good old day 1    Illuminated night

Good old day 2    Save a life

Good old day 3    December surprise

Good old day 4    The special eve

Good old day 5    Back in town

Good old day 6    Striking New

Good old Day 7    Tangled

Good Old Day 8    Talk about Positivity

Good Old Day 9    Ms. Grad

Good old day 10    Justin’s Big Day

Good old day 11    Proud Sister

Good Old Day 12    Spanish Fun

Good old day 13    Dad speaks

Good old day 14    La Familia

Dark old day 1    ‘I hate to be lonely’

Good old Day 15    Who knew it coming

Good old Day 16    Refreshing memories

Good old day 17    Make me Believe

Dark old Day 2    Terror

Dark Old Day 3    Goodbye Joey

Good old Day 18    The wind said so

Dark Old day 4    Mentally Inverted

Good old day 19    Revival

Good old Day 20    Hopes On Fire

Good all day 21    Do good Feel good

Epilogue

Acknowledgment

About The Author

To all the

people who inspired me to

be myself and believed in me,

To my Dad and Mom…(who mean the world to me)

PROLOGUE

The world moves too fast and you don’t know when or how your life gets stuck. It gets too stuck, that you can never come out of it. Well that’s pretty much my life. IT’S STUCK!

There is nothing more majestic than a clear beautiful blue sky which is worth staring at. But I haven’t done that for days or maybe even weeks. Every time I try to move on, the strings in my life pull me back so strong that neither can I move an inch from where I am nor can I break those strings.

I always lived my life as a puppet and others controlled my strings! Why? I ask this question to myself almost every possible second. But then I answer

You are a puppet! People control you! That’s life, you have got no choice

It’s been so long since I had gone out, opened my door and seen anyone. Just a closed life. Never opened.

My life changed pretty bad… Pretty Baaad!

‘Why did they do this to me? How could they do this to me? I lost everything. I LOST MYSELF! Why am I living? For what? For whom?

In a random world, where people are in their own nutshell thinking that they have everything laid in front of them, but in reality we have nothing or maybe I had nothing.

I sat there on the floor, leaning my back against the wall cupping my legs with my hands. Two drops of tears raced down my cheeks. I smiled slightly but I realized that it’s not that way to smile when there’s so much pain in your heart. It’s harder than moving a mountain. But then why did I smile? Well the smile defined ‘everything’s done’ and this will be my last smile ever. I could hear different people commenting how worthless and how-good-for-nothing I am in my ears. I closed my ears with my hands and screamed no, I don’t wanna hear it anymore.

I looked forward to, ‘DARKNESS’, that’s what I saw. I slowly woke up and walked forward, keeping each step carefully thinking about the milestones in my life.

Bethany, don’t do this I could hear my dad

Beth, this is not you Joey shouted

I closed my eyes and pressed my lips tightly, took a deep breath and walked forward. I opened the bathroom door, for once I looked back at my strings which were hooked onto my back and I saw the path where I walked in. I suddenly turned forward ignoring it.

I stood there in front of the bathroom mirror tapping my fingers on the basin, thinking that my strings would pull me back any moment. I was holding the knife in one hand you are gonna be a killer buddy I said looking at the knife. My state of mind was totally messed up after weeks of loneliness. This was the final decision that I took after all that had happened and this was my final destination which I was sure of. I knew what I was doing was wrong but as I said, I had no choice. Are you ready for this? I asked myself five more minutes I replied. What are you gonna do in these five minutes? You can do nothing. I said and for the last time I looked into the mirror ‘INTO THE MIRROR’ to see myself but what I saw was all the terrible things that happened in my life, every possible reason why I could end my life right now. I closed my eyes and all I could remember was the 21 good old days in my miserable life…

GOOD OLD DAY 1

Illuminated night

It was a November night, and I didn’t hear from my parents or family lately. New York was freezing, more like I was freezing even though I had worn layers. I sat there on table no. 14 in the Rockwell café, waiting for my hot chocolate and pie and tapping my fingers on the table, making some tunes, which I knew were stupid. I took my phone and rang my mom for the 8th time, and it went straight to voicemail. I rubbed my face with my palms and remembered the incident that happened four years ago in my life:

"You are not going to New York," said Dad firmly after I received the scholarship from NYU.

Dad, please, for once, let me make my own decision? I pleaded.

I could see my mom standing with a helpless face. None of your brothers or sister has left Virginia. What’s so special for you? I turned to my siblings to see their wicked smile. But Dad, I want to… before I could complete my sentence. Enough is enough, you are not going to New York, you will stay here, and you will stay with us. End of discussion. he said, and that was the last thing my dad ever told me since then.

I left (eloped actually) Virginia and set to New York in the still darkness. My mom was the only one who knew everything. You are going to be just fine! My heart is always with you. My mom had tears in her eyes when she said those words, the only person I said goodbye to.

Within four years there happened a lot! Lisa, my elder sister got married, and well, she moved to New York with her husband, Richard. I did go to her wedding but saw her from a distance; I was afraid to face dad and the rest of my family. They considered me a disgrace because I left them. I wasn’t considered family no more. I met my mom once every two months and for every Christmas, besides that, I never really went home, never saw anyone, nor did they bother to see me. Some nights I sat and cried, thinking how suddenly things had changed between dad and me. Daddy’s little girl now doesn’t even talk to him. I followed him everywhere he went, did everything he did and this sudden separation did affect me severely.

Hey Lindsey waved waking me up from my thoughts. Lindsey, my roomie, quite a positive girl. Like a fever, she spread positivity wherever she went.

She came to me while her other friends sat on the table far from me. Heard from mom yet? she asked. I made an expression of a ‘no’. Are you okay? I know it’s an idiotic question to ask but still. She said, dragging some words. Yeah, I’m fine…all good I smiled slightly. She might probably be busy or something, I added. My pie and hot chocolate arrived. See you look so tired, have it and go home. Get some sleep, I will be late tonight, Claire’s throwing a party at her place. She said, and I nodded.

I stood there at the subway station, waiting. Why do we have to wait in every single place? Like why? If there’s something I hate, that’s waiting. And finally, I could hear the fast moving train approaching the station. But unfortunately, my mind wasn’t in New York anymore; it was in Virginia. It was with my mom. Yeah! You can call me the queen of daydreaming. Oh, wait, it wasn’t a day. It was almost 11:30 pm (okay, I know it’s lame):

I was resting my head against the window in my room, watching the rest of my friends go to prom with their dates hand in hand. I didn’t notice my mom coming in looking for me. As she saw me with a droopy face, she sat beside me. I didn’t want her to see me like this.

I turned to her and asked Am I a good-for-nothing mom? I feel like a loser!

she wiped my tears, patted through my hair and said Oh honey! Don’t take it too hard on you. And don’t think all this now, at times we should stop everything and enjoy our life no matter what. Why didn’t you go?

I didn’t want to make a fool out myself there, going there alone. I replied.

I still remember my prom, I had no dates, yet I decided to go with complete confidence. My mom made me dress up in her senior prom dress. Heels high and head high. That’s how life works honey, at the end of the day you are alone. She said.

Baam, it took way too much time of my mind to travel back to the subway station. Shit the train was on the edge of leaving. I took my backpack, which was kept aside and ran towards the door. I was on the steps, almost entered and NO! Why would you do that! How come I ended up back in the station and the train left!

A random guy out of nowhere pushed me backwards, and the door closed behind us! Whaaaaaaaat? Nooo! I shouted with a very big ‘what’.

Seriously? I added, turning angrily to the guy.

Ummmm…are you okay? he asked in a mild voice.

Am I okay? You tell me. You pushed me back from the freaking train. I said annoyingly.

Oh that, I am sorry I had to get out, he said

Sorry won’t work dude, I had to get in I replied. Look, don’t you worry, I will get you a cab. He said softly. I hate it when people become so soft even when I shout at them. Then what was the whole purpose of shouting? Later making me guilty of that? Don’t be sweet when I shout at you, that will make me guilty and that will make me angrier. I stood there without replying, looking down. I hated the night. Streets at night always scared me. Yeah Yeah! I am a 20 year old adult. But whatever it was I prefered indoors at night. He raised his eyebrow Are you gonna stand here all night? I looked at him angrily and walked forward; he followed me. I turned to him, gesturing my hand in a ‘what’ position.

What? he asked.

What, what? Why are you following me? I asked him back.

We have a deal, and I will get you a cab, he said with a 180-degree smile. I narrowed my eyes, saying whatever I rolled my eyes into another planet. After a long silence, he said:

"I am Joey."

Okay, I replied.

Okay? he asked me back ‘wrong day buddy, you caught me on a wrong day’ I said in my mind.

Okay, okay, I am Bethany, I said finally. By the time we reached the lighted streets from the station, all we knew was our names. So what are you doing? he asked to break the awkward silence. What am I doing? I am walking in the middle of the road with a random guy who came out of nowhere. I said, No not like that… he said. Just kidding, I was just messing up with you I interrupted, my mood changed *mood swings*.

Final year, NYU, I said smiling. Ooh…college student, your major? he asked. English Lit, I replied. "Ahaan. So what are you doing on a Friday night? he asked. Ummm…going home, I replied slowly. Home? he asked. it’s just 11 he added. 11:30, 11:34 to be more precise" I corrected him looking into my watch. He rolled his eyes.

You are living in New York! he said.

I know! So? I replied.

What so? It’s a city that never sleeps. He said

I know I know! That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t sleep I answered smiling.

pfft! Whatever. Have you seen New York? Obviously yes! What a stupid question, but have you seen every corner of New York? he asked mysteriously

What do you mean corners? I asked back.

Uhm… there are places here which no people have seen he said.

What? Really? And how exactly did you see it? I asked in a sarcastic tone. How I saw? You will never know he said.

"You are a weird one," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Weird is amazing he chuckled. Don’t you wanna go home? I asked. Home? he raised his eyebrows. What? You don’t have a home? I asked. Friday nights I don’t go home! he answered. You sleep in the streets? I asked sarcastically. I don’t sleep, he said calmly. YOU DON’T SLEEP? I asked. Okay, this guy is nuts. I thought. Sleep is the most important thing for me. Every Friday night? I asked Yeah he clarified. All alone, just me and New York, but today I got you he added. No way, I am going home; moreover I don’t even know you," I replied to that.

Joey Campbell, age 22, works at Hilton Inc., went to Ohio state university, family in Ohio, been in New York for a year now, leaves in Wernada Residence, Brooklyn, 5’8 feet, wanderlust, loves adventure and popsicle, hates ice creams and responsibilities, enough or want more? he stopped. My jaw dropped. No doubt. You are weird, full stop I said and that wasn’t a compliment I added. He chuckled but I don’t I should probably go I smiled. "Bethany look, sometime we should stop everything and enjoy the hell out of life," he said, and I got stuck and this. I remembered my mom’s words. Not even thinking for another second I said:

Let’s go

oh-kay that was fast he said as he slid aside.

We walked through the busy Times Square. Tell me more about you, he said