Who Are You?: I Discovered Me from a Girl to a Queen

By Kawania Amina Brickhouse

Kawania shares her heart and life struggles with passion and unabashed transparency. I truly believe that God blessed her with this special gift to reach other women of all ages, as well as the male population. The brokenness shared in her book becomes the pathway to healing and deliverance for the masses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pat S. B.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Mar 23, 2020
• ISBN: 9781796094077

Book preview

Copyright © 2020 by Kawania Amina Brickhouse. 810984

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Xlibris

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Rev. date: 03/20/2020

Table of Contents

Chapter 1.   Who Are You?

Chapter 2.   Given Away Twice

Chapter 3.   Innocence Taken Away

Chapter 4.   Pornography Stage

Chapter 5.   Confused Years

Chapter 6.   Living a Lie

Chapter 7.   False Freedom

Chapter 8.   The Break Down

Chapter 9.   New Foundation

Chapter 10.  Faith shattered!,,, but God!!!

Chapter 11.  No Looking Back

Introduction

L OR D, I WANT YOU TO be a lamp upon my feet and a light unto my path. My heart pours out, overf lowing with thoughts, not knowing where to begin. My soul, my mind, my everything longs to have you near. Where are you? Do you really love me? Do you really care? Do you? These questions constantly rolled around in my head for a long time. I even asked them of my mother, father, sister, brother, girlfriends, boyfriends or anybody in sight.

LISTEN TO ME! HOLD ME! Tell me you love this little girl living in a woman’s body. The child in me is hungry, starved for attention; longing for what was denied her as an infant after leaving her mother’s womb.

***STOP ONE MOMENT! LADIES! ***

If you are pregnant or thinking about conceiving a child, it is vital that you take the life God gives you, cherish it, and pray for that baby with all your heart. It is your offspring, a part of you, and what you do affects the rest of his life. Even what you think about while that baby is in your womb matters. He can hear and feel everything you’re experiencing. So cherish the gift of your baby and speak life and loving words over the baby that will soon come. The Bible says, "Life and death are in the power of the tongue and he who loves it will eat its fruits (Proverbs 18:21). What you are you speaking over your child?

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -if anything is excellent and praise worthy, think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

My Testimony

I F I HAD FELT LOVED and had a blessing declared over me when I was a child, I would not have felt so desperate for attention later as an adult. There were a lot of things missing in my childhood. For one, my conception wasn’t planned. Second, my biological father never knew me. I wonder today whether he even knows that I exist. Third, I was an abandoned child, left at nine months old to live with my grandfather and his girlfriend. Understand these are the words of a grown woman typing while the little girl within is crying out desperate for affection. She needs to know that she is loved.

When I cry, pay attention to me. When I’m mad, be mad with me. Yes, I’m the guest of honor at my own pity party. I NEED attention. That’s why I did the things I did. For instance, I cried for no reason sometimes. I dyed my hair all sorts of colors or cut it off on a whim then I’d go to the other extreme with long weave trailing down my back. A week later. I would decide to wear my hair natural, sporting an Afro and rocking my roots. Anything for people to stare at me. That was me, Kawania, the odd ball - as a child, all through my teens, and even as a grown woman! That was the old me, the broken me, the desperate, little abandoned girl that longed for attention 24/7.

I was rejected from birth by both mother and father. I was abandoned, sexually abused, confused about my identity as a woman. I was hated, talked about, cursed and surrounded by enemies. The spirit of promiscuity and need for anybody to love me had me bound. I was plagued with infidelity by boyfriends and married a man that did the same thing to me during the entire duration of the marriage. I experienced black eyes and bruised body parts. I have had metal objects thrown at me and was even put in jail twice. I have been through some hard times, but I’m here today to tell the story of a girl that once had low self esteem, thought she was schizophrenic, had no dreams, and bore a child outside of wedlock. All those hurts and offenses broke me, but thank God they didn’t kill me. They knocked me down but forced me get up again and try even harder.

I proved that what the world and its statistics said was a lie. Everything I am today is because of what I experienced. It has made me stronger. I’m more than a conqueror through him who loves (me) us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, nor anything will be able to separate (me) us from the love of God (Romans 8:37-39). My difficulties have been the stepping stone for God to do the impossible in me and through me.

This book is my life story. Every chronicle in here is a testimony of God’s saving power and how He took a little depressed child and healed her. I, Kawania Amina, am living up to what my name means. Look at God! Kawania is the name of an island known as a Queensland in Australia. My middle name Amina, was given after an African Queen and warrior who ruled over territory. The enemy had an APB out with my name written on it, but God spoke my name into existence with greatness. He knew I would be a woman of greatness, full of earthly and heavenly riches.

The enemy has the same APB out on you, but guess what? He can’t, and he won’t, win because God already paid the price for you when He died on the cross and then rose again. We are here for the purpose of being used by God for His glory. I pray whoever reads this book will cry, laugh and most of all, have the courage to write their own life story because it will bring healing to you and others.

Our lives are not our own. We are all born into this world for a purpose and plan (1 Corinthians 6:19).

Dedication

T HIS BOOK IS FOR:

• the teenager who thinks she has no purpose

• the woman who struggles with rejection and brokenness

• the woman who is considered weird and crazy

• the black sheep of the family

• the woman that never grew up and still has a little girl crying inside of her

• the one that sometimes goes in a closet or in a corner and cries her eyes out until her nose is all stuffed up and she can’t breathe well

• the woman who dries her tears, picks herself up, and goes behind her mask

Your mask may be in hiding behind the role of a mother, caught up in tending to your children and their needs. It may be in hiding in the role of a wife keeping herself all dolled up and trying to finish the honey do list. Your mask may be that of a chef lost in making fantastic meals for your family. You may be a professor, cosmetologist, pastor’s wife, or even a pastor who everybody counts on to answer their questions or to provide some much needed counseling. Whatever your mask may be, girl, join the club. It’s time to take it off and throw it into the ‘sea of forgetfulness’.

God loves you and accepts you just the way you are. His Word says in 2 Corinthians 4: 8-10, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be revealed when we are in pain and despair." You no longer have to remain lost and abused. He paid the price for you and it’s time you realize who you are and whose you are. You are the child of the Most High God. You are a Queen and it’s time to walk with your head high and chest out believing in the God that lives inside of you.

Every life experience, good or negative, happens for a reason. It all works together for the glory of His name. The strongholds you have struggled with, for half or your entire life, were to develop you into the woman God has called you to be. Remember what the devil meant for bad is turned around for God’s goodness.

I would like you to take a moment and write your name out then look up the meaning. Allow God to speak to you about who you are through the meaning of your name. Whether you like the meaning of your name or not. I personally think it can be a positive declaration to encourage you.

(Your Name)

meaning of your name

My prayer for every person that reads this book is for them to find their true identity and allow God to tear down every area of bondage and family dysfunction that have been carried on for generations. Don’t you know there’s a reason you have certain habits that you just can’t shake? There’s a reason you sometimes f ly off the handle in anger when your spouse says the wrong thing to you or your child does something that strikes a core of fear inside of you. There’s a reason you can’t look at yourself in the mirror and truly say that you love yourself or that you’re beautiful. There’s a reason you say yes to everything somebody asks you to do. There comes a time, though, when you get fed up with pleasing people and not fulfilling what you are supposed to.

Girlfriend, and for the gentlemen reading this book, Today is your day. This is your time to experience something new. God says it’s time to go to the well of water and draw deeper still. He knew that I would write this book and that you would read it. Listen to this: He knows the number of hairs on your head (Luke 12:7). Wow, that is awesome!

Our God really cares for us. He remembers something that seems so minute to us but is huge to him.