Collected Entries of Your Anonymous, Average Writer

By Star Laneé

This book is based on entries I wrote in very emotional times of my life. They were written to help me to deal with sadness, grief, mood swings, relationships, past lovers, and more. They are raw and filled with unfiltered feelings. I will never disclose whom the entries were about; I just hope they help others in similar situations to push through the emotions and the pain. I was inspired by Neil Hilborn, my grandmother, Demi Lovato, and friends who pushed me to get the book out because they were moved by my writing. I hope readers enjoy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 13, 2020
• ISBN: 9781984533500

Star Laneé

She lives with her lizard and her dog. She was diagnosed as bipolar 1 with a few other issues when she was young and has written since she was around 12. She goes to school to get her masters and then her doctorate in psychology so she can help Others who have some of the same issues as her.

Book preview

I still love you, but

I had to leave.

I had to leave because you treated consoling me as a chore, like something you put off or push to the side

I left because your promises started to encompass bigger, greater things and each of them left me empty. You left me empty.

I left because you were always too busy, too busy to listen, too busy to care, too busy to love me with the love everyone tells me I deserve

I can still picture each of the features of your face, every line, every crease.

I had to leave because everyone told me you moved on but somehow, I could not believe them.

Loving me shouldn’t be something you make time for. It shouldn’t be something that you’re unsure if it’s as friends or more.

That’s two years. Two years and you do not know if you love me truly or as a friend

I left because everyone told me I deserved better and someone came and showed me better

I left because you no longer looked at me like I lit up the sky when I smiled

How, then does it make my heart still ache for you? How then does it make me want to check on you, to be sure nothing harms to you?

If you love someone shouldn’t you check on them? While you’re with them shouldn’t you be sure that they are always happy and safe?

Was I just something to cure your boredom for two years?

Was I but a brief interest? Something like a drawing or a painting? A little hobby to pass the time? A Netflix show you binge watch but never think of again?

What about my body? Was that just to make you feel good?

Do you feel anything at all?

Is there a pit at the bottom of your stomach every night you lie alone? Are you even lying alone?

I wish it did not end this way. I wish you did not do this to me.

Follow the Leader

You were supposed to lead me.

You were supposed to be the one to guide me

You were supposed to make me a mirrored image of you

You were supposed to sit with me and discuss my grades or the boys I kissed

Instead all you did was sit back and watch yourself fade away.

You brought home a new man every night who would leave within an hour and your wallet would be significantly thicker than before.

You did not feed us like normal parents. All we consumed was fear unless you were so drunk that you felt gleeful

Our home was not designed as one that normal houses looked like.

There were alcohol bottles littering the floor,

The walls were covered in filth and roaches.

Even worse, our room did not look like one of a normal person’s room.

It was closed and dark. It had boxes in each corner and our bed was the floor.

Three children were enclosed in a wardrobe-a small confined space.

I never understood why you dragged children into this heaping mess.

You did not decide to have children the way normal parents did.

You did not plan and keep trying for them.

Instead you got too wasted one night and the stranger who was in your bedroom made a child. The stranger that you would never know who made the little miniature version of you.

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