Mental Struggles and Biblical Truths

By Keri Payne

Even though Keri was saved at the age of 9 and brought up in a Christian home the events of being diagnosed with major depressive disorder, panic disorder and complex post traumatic stress disorder in her late 30's left her broken and truly questioning her faith in God. Did my level of faith control my mental health? Was my mental health issues a punishment because I lacked enough faith in God? Was the help I was receiving from man measuring up to how God wants me to heal? This book is a product of the peace and answers she found to these questions and more within Gods word.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Aug 10, 2020
• ISBN: 9781973696209

Keri Payne

Keri Payne lives in the mountains of North Carolina with her husband. She is a mother of two adult boys and a nana to one sweet hearted girl. Keri has an associates in arts degree she obtained later in life, as well as a small repurposing and crafting business called Edify that helps her in her battle with mental illness.

Book preview

Mental

Struggles

and

Biblical

Truths

Keri Payne

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Copyright © 2020 Keri Payne.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means,

graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by

any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author

except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in

this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views

expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the

views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

ISBN: 978-1-9736-9619-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-9618-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-9620-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020912505

WestBow Press rev. date: 08/10/2020

Dedication

I dedicate this book to my husband Richard for your unconditional love. We never knew what our lives would hold after we said I do. What I do know was that mental health issues would not have been something I thought we would have to deal with. Not only did you make a vow to me on our wedding day but you have lived that vow every day for the past 22 years. In sickness and in health. The sacrifices you have made for me and your willingness to make changes in our lives to help me live the best life I can with my struggles has shown me a love I never knew could exist. God gave me you and I thank him for you every day. You are truly my knight in shining armor and I am blessed to be your wife. All my love, Keri

I also dedicate this book to my amazing boys, Todd and Clay. Every day we wake up is a new day with new struggles and you are always there with a smile. Your understanding and willingness to support me on my darkest days as well as my good ones have left me wondering how I could deserve such two amazing boys. Because of you I have purpose and a drive to always try. Try to get through the day, try to heal, try to be my best self. On the days I fail you are still there always checking to see if I’m okay, listening with encouraging words, a smile and an adventure to bring me out of my darkest place. You two are my greatest accomplishments and I pray you always know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. Love, Mom

Lastly, I dedicate this book to my sister in law Cynthia. You are the first person I came to when the walls came crashing down around me and I didn’t know what was happening to me. You were not only there to help me find the answers, but your non-judgmental approach was exactly what I needed to feel safe and not alone. I could have not gotten through this without you and I want you to know how much I value you. You have shown me that there are people out there that do care and are willing to help without judgement and I am so blessed to have you in my life. I love and appreciate you and thank you for all that you do for our family! Love, Keri

Contents

Preface

Knowledge is Power

The Struggle Defined

The Work Field

The Oxen

The Masters

The Yoke

Bringing it All Together

Freedom with the Light

1. Read your Bible and work out your own beliefs and values.

2. Think on these things…

3. Accept the Balance of Life…Accept the Yoke

4. Time…What are you doing with your time,what are you thinking about when you do it?

5. Expectation and Judgement

6. Prayer

Conclusion

Jesus Life on Earth

Jesus experienced temptation:

Jesus experienced suffering, anguish, loneliness, being bullied and Slandered:

Jesus experienced depression, anxiety, great sorrow, anguish, despair, a heavy heart, and became withdrawn:

Jesus experienced anger:

Jesus experienced acceptance:

Is God a Fair God?

The Punishment of

Adam and Eve

Parable of the Sower

What do you believe?

Sources

Preface

As I sit in my kitchen looking out the window, I can hear the birds chirping. The sun is shining. The neighborhood kiddos are coming down the driveway on their ATVs to visit, and Julie, the dog, is barking the alarm that someone is here. A smile comes to my face and I thank God for another day to be alive. Then I think back to an earlier time when I was sitting in this same spot. A smile was so out of reach and thankfulness was a state of mind I could not comprehend.

It was so quiet in the house you could hear a pin drop. The sun had already gone down for the day. My husband and sister in law sat in the other room with their heads bowed listening as I answered questions to the man sitting next to me. My body shook uncontrollably. No matter how deep a breath I took, no matter if I paced the floor or rubbed my arms and legs, I couldn’t get it to stop. My hands and lips tingled and burned. As well as a spot in the front right side of my brain that felt like someone had lit a fire that could not be put out. Little did I know at that time it was the flow of adrenaline running through my body at such an alarming rate, my blood flow could not keep it concentrated enough. My fight or flight response was in high gear and stuck in on mode. I could not shut it off, nor had I the ability to do so. All I wanted it to do was stop. The sleep that evaded me for weeks would not come. The nightmares that woke me every 10 minutes when I tried to close my eyes to get some kind of relief left me terrified and living in a time that I did not want to remember and didn’t understand why? Why now? I should feel safe! I should feel good! I should not be out of control! I felt hopeless. This will never end. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t have peace no matter what I try. I tried everything the doctors told me to. I’ve tried dozens of medications, group therapy, sleep schedule, out-patient, test and more tests, cleaning house, exercise, staying busy, detox, surgeries. I even received a nice handout about somatic pain syndrome from my current head doctor and his last words he said to me were, you need to give yourself time, and believe in the grace you say you do, and I will be gone until next week, so if you need anything we will talk about it then. It was too late. I was too far gone down in that darkness and the only thing I had to hold onto was this little light deep down inside that kept saying, hold on, there is a safe way out of this. I wanted to survive this. I did not want to give up and let this control me. My biggest fear? My pain and suffering were so bad that I may lose what little shred of insanity I had and do something I didn’t want to do. Most of all I was afraid I would do something and not realize it, because my mind was begging for relief. I needed something to just ease this pain permanently because I have no help, no answers, no relief, no control. I am completely and utterly alone. Yes, I believe in God, and yes, I have called out to him. I have cried, I have begged and pleaded with Him. I work in the church, I live a Christian life, I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I have prayed for forgiveness every day. I try to love everyone, be what everyone needs me to be. Hold my head up and hide my pain like a good little girl does, but still I wasn’t safe. What I truly needed was a safe place. I never would have thought my own home would not be safe, but the fact was it wasn’t about the building I was in or the people that lived in it with me. It was about the hollow shell of a body where my mind resided that wasn’t safe. All the trauma my body had endured had left me empty: the sexual abuse as a child, childhood bullying, teenage pregnancy, illness after illness, the surgeries, the countless doctor appointments with professionals that had no answers and treated me as if it was all in my head. The never feeling safe and just wanting a safe place to land all left me feeling as though I had to be on alert for the next thing coming. It is what I have always done. The problem was I had nothing left in me to give. I needed a safe place to get some semblance of rest for my body, but my body was not safe from what my mind may drive me to do. The hardest realization was why? I read my Bible every day. I prayed and asked God to take this from me, I prayed for answers for why my body had so much illness in my 38 years. I prayed for relief from my physical pain. I prayed for peace. I prayed for help. And I waited. I vowed I would never give up hope that God would bring me through this. How? I did not know and I was scared. I asked my pastor and all he could say was, God has a reason and He will see you through this, you just got to trust Him. I know that, but how do I process while I wait? In the midst of this horrible struggle how do I cope? The answers I got were: you should trust, you should not question, you should be content, you should wait, you should have enough faith.

The man across the table from me tilted his head downward, looking at me from over his reading glasses, there was no judgement in his eyes as he asked the question. Have you made plans on how you may end your life? Another shudder went through me as I knew my family was listening and there was an overwhelming reality of shame I felt about it. Do I tell the truth to get help? Or, do I hide the answer to protect them. I don’t want them to think that they are not enough, but I am suffering so much. The gaze from across the reading glasses held firm in place as he waited patiently for my answer. Dead silence lingered for what seemed like an eternity. Then as quietly as I dared a whisper of yes escaped my lips, but it wasn’t low enough for my family not to hear. I heard a heavy sigh from the other room and an even stronger wave of panic overtook me. The disappointment they must have for me, the failure that I have become. Another wave of fear. It won’t stop.

After several more questions, He said it was time to go. For a split second I felt something akin to relief, but I hadn’t felt that feeling in so long I wasn’t for sure if that is what is was. We loaded up and headed to the hospital emergency room where I would start the process to be admitted. Not for a physical cut, or another surgery, but for 24/7 surveillance I needed to guarantee my life would not end on my terms, but on Gods. Supervision not just to protect me, but classes and therapy, and the support I so needed while I waited on the Lord to heed my desperate plea. Two more days came of no sleep, two more days of endless shaking, and two more hospitals later I finally got to the end