Handbook for Marriage Preparation: A Biblical Perspective with Cultural Implications

By Rev. Dr Gabriel Gan

This handbook is written to help busy pastors, missionaries, lay counselors and marriage mentors with a structured course for conducting marriage preparation. Topics addressed:
1) View of Marriage. What expectations does each partner have about marriage?
2) Family of Origin. How does each partner feel about his or her own family background? What traits of their family background does each partner want to or not want to carry into their marriage?
3) Roles. Does the couple have a biblical understanding of their marital roles?
4) Communication. Does each partner feel heard by the other? Does each person feel comfortable sharing feelings with the other?
5) Conflict resolution. Does the couple have the ability to resolve problems without destructive side effects?
6) Parenting. Do both partners want to have children? How will they be taken care of, and by whom?
7) Sex. What are their views of sex before marriage? Who or what are their sources for sex education?
8) Finances. How are money matters to be decided? Have they agreed on a budget?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Partridge Publishing Singapore
• Release date: Nov 23, 2020
• ISBN: 9781543761863

Book preview

Copyright © 2020 by Rev. Dr Gabriel Gan.

ISBN:      Hardcover      978-1-5437-6185-6

               Softcover         978-1-5437-6184-9

               eBook              978-1-5437-6186-3

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

www.partridgepublishing.com/singapore

Contents

Foreword

Acknowledgements

Chapter 1 Introduction

Need for Marriage Preparation

Purpose

Chapter 2 The Marriage Preparation Class

Why the Course Should Be Taught

Who Should Attend the Course

Who Should Conduct the Course

When the Course Should Be Offered

Where the Course Should Be Held

How to Make the Course Effective

What Should Be Taught

Chapter 3 The Marriage Preparation Curriculum

Session One: Assessment and Christian Marriage

Part One: Eligibility Assessment and Review of PDI

Part Two: Marriage as God Intended

Marriage Was Instituted by God

Marriage Was Idealised by God

Cultural Issues

Practice of Polygamy

Arranged Marriages

Dependence on Parents

Homework

Chapter 4 The Marriage Preparation Curriculum

Session Two: Roles and Family Background

Part One: Husband-Wife Relationships

The Biblical Role of the Wife

The Biblical Role of the Husband

Cultural Issues

Discussion

Part Two: Family Background

Exercise: Drawing a Family Tree

Discussion

Cultural Issues

Homework

Chapter 5 The Marriage Preparation Curriculum

Session Three: Finances and In-Laws

Part One: Finances

Biblical Philosophy of Money

Stewardship

Attitudes toward Money

Discussion

Practical Advice on Financial Matters

Cultural Issues

Part Two: In-laws or Out-laws?

Cultural Issues

Practical Considerations

Pastoral Advice

Conclusion

Homework

Chapter 6 The Marriage Preparation Curriculum

Session Four: Sex and Parenting

Part One: Biblical Perspective of Sex

Biblical Purposes for Sex

Biblical Principles of Sex

Cultural Issues

Sex as a Taboo Subject

Living in a Global Age

Discussion

Conclusion

Part Two: Parenting and Children

Parenting Styles

Parental Role in Discipline

Proverbs 22:6 (KJV)

Deuteronomy 6:6–11 (KJV)

Cultural Issues

Boys Favoured over Girls

Pregnancy Issues

Father’s Involvement

Discussion

Conclusion

Chapter 7 Marriage Preparation Curriculum

Session Five: Communication and Conflict Resolution

Part One: Marital Communication

Necessity of Communication

Components of Communication

Choosing the Right Words

Using the Appropriate Tone of Voice

Using Appropriate Forms of Non-Verbal Communication

Five Levels of Communication

Principles of Effective Communication

Barriers to Effective Communication

Benefits of Effective Communication

Cultural Issues

Discussion

Part Two: Conflict Resolution

Causes of Conflict

Strategies for Resolving Conflict

Cultural Issues

Expectations

Money Matters

In-Laws

Children

Exercise

Chapter 8 Marriage Preparation Curriculum

Session Six: Wedding and Marriage Enrichment

Part One: Wedding Preparations

Cultural Issues

Choosing an Auspicious Wedding Date

The Dowry

The Tea Ceremony

Solemnisation at the Church

The Wedding Gown

The Wedding Banquet

Part Two: Marriage Enrichment

Speaking the Spouse’s Love Language

Building Intimacy

Intimacy Defined

How Intimacy Is Developed

Attending Marriage Enrichment

Seeking Help Early

Conclusion

Appendix A

Personal Data Inventory

Personal Information

Your Family Background

Your Spiritual Background

Your Health

Your Personality

Appendix B

Pre-Marriage Interview

Appendix C

Financial Questionnaires

Appendix D

Comparison of Role Concepts

Bibliography

Premarital Counselling Books/Manuals

Books on Chinese Culture/Customs

Devotional Books for Couples

This book is

affectionately dedicated to

Alice, my beloved wife and faithful

companion of thirty-seven years,

and our four children and their spouses:

Daniel and Fuyu, Timothy and Liz, Priscilla and

Benjamin, Deborah and Kenji, and our two lovely

grandchildren: Leia Kwok and Matthias Siow.

20 September 2020

FOREWORD

Someone told me today that there are lots of books out there about marriage counselling.

True. But I was very happy to get a copy of this book to read because of my long personal acquaintance with Dr Gabriel Gan. Over twenty years ago, a mutual friend introduced us, and I got to know him when I preached for him at one of the churches he has pastored in Singapore. We travelled together on an international teaching trip and had all kinds of experiences there. Later, he came to Taiwan, where I live, and ministered in a parallel ministry there. Seeing him in different settings and facing a variety of challenges let me see many facets to his personality and character. I have watched him over the many years and have found him to be a person who cares for others and seeks to minister to them.

As an older single man myself, I have observed a full range of married people over the years. Dr Gan writes in the book what he lives out himself: he is pleased to be married, sincerely enjoying being with his wife. Still, marriage does not limit him from ministering in distant foreign countries. I have also heard his wife say clearly that wives should submit to their husbands. I purposely noted in the book whether he merely wrote from his many years of marriage. You will see that he hardly mentions his marital and parenting experience. I like this book because it presents what the Bible says and not just a series of lessons he learned by experience.

Dr Gan has made a special effort to include in this material issues and challenges that Christians in Asia face as they prepare for marriage and then enjoy their married life together. Because of this sensitivity to Asian norms, this book stands out among books that were written in other parts of the world. If you come from an Asian background or are counselling a couple that have Asian heritage, I think this book will help you be aware of potential issues that you should discuss.

You will enjoy using this material again and again!

Dr Mark Lehman

PhD, Bob Jones University

Kaohsiung, Taiwan

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

First, I want to thank my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, for enabling me to persevere in writing this handbook.

Second, I am indebted to many people for their help and support in its completion. I am grateful to Dr Jonathan Ang for his commitment to my success, Dr Mark Lehman for writing the foreword, members of Emmanuel Baptist Fellowship, Faith Independent Baptist Church, and many other friends for their love and prayers.

Third, I am thankful to my daughter Priscilla for drawing the illustrations and the moral support from all family members.

Last but not least, I am grateful to my dear wife, Alice, for her enthusiastic encouragement and sponsoring the publication of this handbook.

Without the help and support of the above, I would not have been able to publish this book, which I hope will be useful to my comrades in ministry (pastors, missionaries, marriage mentors, and counsellors), especially those ministering in Asian churches. For those who are married, this handbook can be a refresher course to strengthen their marital commitment.

May God be pleased to use this small contribution to bless his people.

Soli Deo gloria!

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CHAPTER 1

•

Introduction

In a public seminar for deputy registrars in Singapore, an American Chinese professor shared his observations of a progressively negative change in attitude towards marriage in the People’s Republic of China.¹ Many years ago when he first went to China to conduct seminars, he noticed that the Chinese used to ask each other, ‘Have you eaten?’ [你吃饱了吗 ni chi bao le ma?] when they greeted one another. Some years later, when he was invited back to do more seminars, he noted that the greeting had changed to ‘Have you made money?’ [你发了吗 ni fa le ma?]. In recent years, when he lectured in China, he was shocked to learn that the greeting was ‘Have you divorced?’ [你离了吗 ni li le ma?].

The social moorings of Chinese society have changed sharply. Marriage, once viewed as a sacred institution which requires lifelong commitment, is now viewed with suspicion and scorn. An increasing number of couples today are advocating cohabitation as an alternative to marriage, citing the rising divorce rates in defence of their practice. This trend is neither biblical, nor the solution to couples breaking up, either legally (as in a marriage relationship) or non-legally (as in a cohabitation relationship).

But one must not, so to speak, throw away the baby with the bathwater. Marriage is good and honourable (Hebrews 13:4). Rising divorce rates do not change that fact; they only point to the sad state of the human heart and man’s need to be reconciled to his Creator. More importantly, it shows the necessity of marriage preparation classes in churches for couples planning to get married, since professing Christian couples are not immune from society’s moral and social ills.²

Need for Marriage Preparation

Next in importance to trusting the Lord Jesus Christ as one’s personal Saviour is a person’s decision of whom to marry. The former has to do with one’s eternal destiny and the latter with one’s happiness and productivity on earth. Marrying the wrong person or for the wrong reasons can result in a life of misery on earth. Hence, there is a tremendous need to prepare young people in the church for marriage.

In his review of the situation of marriage and family life in Singapore in the 1980s, John Lim concluded that many couples are ill-prepared for marital life. Thus, there is a need to educate Chinese Christian young people in matters pertaining to the biblical concepts of marriage and family life.³ This need has not changed since. In fact, it is even more necessary than ever for couples to prepare for marriage in this rapidly changing world. Marriage is a lifelong relationship (‘till death do us part’) and should not be entered into unadvisedly or hastily. Many couples tend to spend much time and money planning the details of the wedding ceremony and banquet but neglect to prepare for the marital relationship that lasts a lifetime.

Besides requiring couples planning to get married to attend a marriage preparation class, the writer proposes that such a class be taught as part of the