Tales of Apartment Living

By Douglas MacKinnon

Entertaining tales of the human experience, While living and working multi-unit buildings. Whether it is apartment buildings or condos, and the crazy stuff that goes on unnoticed behind closed doors,(and sometimes in the halls). All of the stories are made up, though most have been inspired by real incidents.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Dec 22, 2020
• ISBN: 9781663213570

Douglas MacKinnon

Douglas MacKinnon served in the White House as a writer for Presidents Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush and afterwards in a joint command at the Pentagon, where he had a top secret government clearance. He is a regular contributor to several major newspapers. To date, he has published more than 600 columns in every major paper in the country—including Investor’s Business Daily, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, USA TODAY, Chicago Tribune, The Houston Chronicle, The Baltimore Sun, and The Washington Examiner—and makes frequent appearances on Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC. He is the author of a memoir, Rolling Pennies in the Dark.

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Copyright © 2021 Douglas MacKinnon.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-6632-1358-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-1357-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020924102

iUniverse rev. date: 12/15/2020

CONTENTS

1. She gave me fleas

2. They just show up

3. Fires

4. Good Deed Done

5. Ghosts

6. Strange Smells

7. Someone kidnapped Santa

8. Complaints

9. Changing of the locks

10. Campers

11. Silly

12. Gone to The Dogs

13. Families

14. Roger

15. The Things I Say

16. Odin

17. Pot Smoke & Mushrooms

18. Bums

19. One Tough Lady

20. Romancing the Suite

21. Tuesday

22. Jumpers

23. Deaths

24. Bad Owners

25. Pool Abuse

26. Shoot Out

27. Abuse of Emergency Phone

28. Choose Your Friends Carefully

29. Roommates

30. Eye Full

31. The Day to Day

This book is dedicated with love to my smart, beautiful

partner, Kathleen. Without her help and support

this project would never have been completed.

thank-you

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A t Mesa Verde, in Colorado USA, there are dwellings that were carved into the soft lime stone rock around six-hundred BC. These were built by the Pueblo People, and could be some of the earliest apartments ever lived in. I wonder what the manager had to put up with. {Sorry no pets.

But manager, this is my comfort dinosaur!}

After a bad fall on a construction site where I injured my knee I decided to take a job working as a maintenance person for a smaller apartment building. It was meant to be temporary, but the work was light, and pleasant. A few months stretched into a few years. I enjoyed the work but I noticed that some tenants seem to exhibit weird behaviors. I didn’t give this much thought, that was until I was promoted to manager and I realized just how crazy some people were.

One of my first duties was to evict a tenant for disturbing the quiet enjoyment of the other tenants. I gave him notice that he was being evicted. He filed for a hearing with the Residential Tenancy Branch, and was granted an arbitration hearing. The arbitration hearing is much the same as a court hearing, each party presents evidence and tells their side of the story and the arbitrator decides who is in the right.

As I went through his file trying to put together an evidence package, I couldn’t help saying to myself what the hell? Why is he still here? More and more ridiculous behavior came to light the farther I dug into his file. I won the hearing and he moved out. I did six more over the next year, as I cleaned house. It was at this time that I decided to collect the craziness and funniness. So, for the past ten years or so I collected some of the more outrageous stories. As well I met with some great managers and spoke to them about their experiences, and collected their stories.

Though these stories are loosely based on true happenings, the characters, times, and locations are all fiction.

CHAPTER One

SHE GAVE

ME FLEAS

I was in my office the first thing Monday morning when I got a call from a concerned neighbor. She had noticed a person entering the building and figured that she must be a tenant. Now As the resident manager I was expecting to hear about some loud music or wild party. Well! Imagine my surprise when my good Samaritan informed me that she had seen this person J-walking

Now there’s a little law that’s not being enforced nearly enough. I thanked the lady for bringing this to my attention and told her I would look in to it, I then got back to my paper work. Two days later I got a call from the anti-J-walker Lady. She was shouting into the phone as if she was calling from across the world instead of just across the parking lot. I just thought you should know I saw that woman again!. Which woman is that ma’am? I said holding the phone away from my ear trying to lower the volume. That person who you insist on letting into your building! She still insists on walking in the middle of the street as if she owns it! she yelled. I knew that I recognized her, she gave me fleas!"

Say what…She gave you what? I said into the phone which had moved a little farther away as if the little critters could travel across the wires.

Fleas; she gave me fleas, I was standing beside her two months ago at the soup kitchen, and I know she gave them to me. She will give them to you and your tenants too if you continue to let her come and go as she pleases. In and out of your building like that!

Thank you, ma’am I appreciate your concern. I said as I quickly hung up. Getting up from my desk I headed for the door and outside for a smoke.

A few days later just as I had gotten the fleas out of my head, I picked up the phone to hear the now familiar shill voice of the anti-J-walking lady belting out. I want the number! There’s a pause. And what number would that be? I asked. You know, the number for your boss, you know the owner. I know you’re not the owner and you are not doing your job. That woman was in your building again yesterday, I saw her and she was carrying bagels!

How are bagels bad madam? I asked during another pause.

Well; Well! You’re just not taking this seriously enough, and I want your boss’s number!

I’m sorry but I’m not allowed to give out the owners’ number if you have a complaint then you must go through the Residential Tenancy Branch, you can get the number online, thank you and have a nice day. I said hanging up quickly before she could start talking again. She called again two days later. I’m still waiting for your boss’s number! She yelled across the phone lines. If you have a complaint you can bring it to the office or send a e-mail and I’ll pass it on. Who’s your boss? she continued to yell. That would be Good-Story Properties ma’am. Well I’m calling them, that tenancy Branch place was useless! Thank you ma’am, I’m sure they can help you. I tried not to let the laughter sound in my voice. Oh, bugger off I’m going to tell your boss that you’re not doing your job. That afternoon my property manager called about a crazy lady who had called. Why Yes. I said. She’s been calling all week, it seems bagels are bad. Oh, so that’s what going on she was going on about. My property manager called a few days into the beginning of the month. Your bagel lady hasn’t paid her rent, so I’m faxing over an eviction notice to put on her door. J-walking lady did find a new home. I love a happy ending.

CHAPTER Two

THEY JUST

SHOW UP

A ll too often we get asked, what were you thinking; why the

 hell did you let that person in? Well we didn’t and we don’t. Sometimes they just show up.

Take the time when Daniel came to visit and to shake things up in our building.

It had all started when we had rented a one-bedroom suite to a wonderful young lady and her eight year old daughter. Cindy was a single mom with a good job; her credentials and references checked out and for most of a year everything was fine. Then one night, at around two in the morning we were introduced to her new boyfriend Daniel.

A couple weeks before, Cindy had gone out with friends to a bar dancing and drinking where she had met Daniel, it was love at first sight. Daniel was the stereo typical bad boy; a body builder who couldn’t keep a job, so he supported himself by selling drugs. Unfortunately, he was also his best customer, and loved using the drugs he sold.

On this particular night Cindy’s daughter Megan was staying with her dad so Cindy had invited Daniel to stay over and to celebrate Daniel thought it would be fun to try a combination of cocaine and crystal meth. These mixed with the steroids already in his system, caused his body to overheat. In order to cool down Daniel decided to remove all his clothes. Voices in his head started talking, directing him to leave the apartment and run down the hall. Having a naked man running up and down the hallways is bad enough, but then the voices told Daniel that everyone hated him and were out to get him so he started kicking at doors with enough force to leave dents and holes all the while screaming at the top of his lungs that he had to kill everyone in the building.

Just imagine the rude awaking you get from someone kicking in your apartment door in the middle of the night. (you okay dear?) Yes, but we will need to change the sheets.

Since I was carrying the emergency pager, I would be the one to get the call, right? Nope! No one called. Though some tenants were on the ball enough to call the police. There’s a 6-foot 3 man running around naked outside my door! Are you sure lady? The 911 operator asked. Yup that’s a man. The tenant said peeking out her door.

One 83-year old lady even called her friend LORDY, Myrtle get over here we got a live one and bring your camera!

My assistant manager, Trinity, was awakened by the police cars and fire trucks parked on our front lawn.

At around 2:45 am, I had gotten up to answer the call of nature, hearing my cell phone beeping. I checked the caller ID. Seeing that it was my assistant Trinity, and that she had called twice (I’m a sound sleeper) I answered my phone with concern in my voice Are you alright? Are you kidding me, how could you sleep through all this, look out your window! Oh, wow what’s going on?" I gasped as I’m blinded by all the red and blue flashing lights shining through my bedroom window.

There’s a naked man running around the sixth-floor kicking in doors and yelling bloody murder! Trinity cried out.

Okay, okay! I said holding the cell phone with my shoulder while hopping on one leg trying to get my pants on. I’m just getting dressed, no reason to have two of us running around naked.

Hanging up, I hurried to the sixth-floor, I was not looking forward to dealing with a crazed naked man but, fortunately for Daniel the five burly police officers had already subdued him and had loaded him onto a stretcher. It was a sight to see, a large muscular man lying on a gurney covered with a blanket! Actually, he didn’t look so big, laying there crying to the officers Please don’t hurt me I’m your friend.

The next afternoon we were in the office, my mind still reeling from the previous night’s activities, when Daniel staggered into the office. It seems the doctors at the psychiatric hospital had decided that they had managed to balance Daniel’s medication and since the bed was needed, they would let him go with his promise to behave himself.

Less than an hour after being discharged he was back in the building. Trinity gathered up her little dog Molly and exited though the office’s back door. I later learned that she had ended up a few blocks away, still shaking, she doesn’t remember leaving the building or driving the few blocks to the grocery store parking lot. She had left so fast that she forgot her purse with her license. She had no cigarettes, and no money to buy any, even so she sat in her car with Molly for over an hour before coming back to the building.

As for myself I was blocked behind the desk. Daniel had locked the door then sat down opposite me, placing himself between the desk and the door, he looked at me with sad eyes. He started to explain why it was that he had to kill me. I know you are the warden of this prison. He calmly explained. "I have