Surviving the Pressure of Being Single in Africa

By Edy Ewoh

Being single can either be a blessing or a curse. Singleness can be a blessing because it allows people to have more independence and freedom than married people. However, this comes with a certain amount of pressure as expectations and even more responsibilities.
Singleness, like all of God's benefits, can be abused, exploited, and even idolized. As Christians, how we comport ourselves as singles is really important. Despite its particular challenges, singleness does not imply deficiency or incompleteness.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Oct 15, 2021
• ISBN: 9781387538447

Book preview

Foreword

Surviving in the Pressure of Being a Single in Africa by Edy Ewoh.

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single person is defined legally as unmarried, not in a relationship and not part of a civil union*. To be Single can be challenging both for those who choose to be and those who are due to their life circumstances. Some individuals may have got married but have become single as a result of death or divorce. The experiences of different singles may have been or are still hurting. Such experiences can be painful or intolerable. This may cause them to be suspicious of people who show interest in them. It may degenerate into making them become self-protective or begin to lack self-esteem. It can also cause them to become afraid of intimacy or feel devastated.

It is important that singles embrace singleness bravely and not demand to be pitied by society. If one feels sorry for themself, others will feel sorry for the person. Singles should recognize that there are unique opportunities and advantages of being able to serve God and man. If singles are full of gratitude for the gift of life and what God is doing for them and with them, then others will embrace singleness too.

The challenges of being single are numerous so also are the benefits. When Joseph was single, he took the situation in stride, convinced that it did not make sense to sin against God due to pressure. His decision not to commit adultery with Portifer’s wife landed him in jail in the short run, but he became a ruler in Egypt in the long run. Sampson messed up his single years and could only fulfil the assignment God gave into his hands at death. You can describe the life of Sampson as shameful and pathetic. It would have been fine if he was cautious. His life would have been longer and better.

Absalom was unforgiving, vindictive, reckless and over-ambitious. He bore grudges for so many years, even when everyone had moved on with life. He was not well guided as a single. He allowed the circumstances before him, the society and his friends to detect the way he went. This is not acceptable. It can only lead to a tragic end. Let us learn from victorious singles like Naomi, Ruth, Joseph, Paul, Daniel and his friends.   

This book Surviving the Pressure of Being Single in Africa is an invaluable resource. It will help the reader understand the most important things about singleness: the individual’s outlook and attitude. If singles God bring into singleness, one can approach it positively. "For in him we live and move and have our being’ (Acts 17:28). I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). God will make all things new in His time!

Prof. Dr Johnny O. Ogunji

Director

Youth Ministries Department

Eastern Nigerian Union Conference

Of Seventh Day Adventist Church.

* Koropeckyj-Cox, Tanya (2009), Carr, Deborah (ed.), Singlehood Check |url= value (help), Encyclopedia of the Life Course and Human Development, Later Life, Macmillan Reference USA, 3, pp. 370–375, retrieved 2019-04-23.

Preface

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ou will find serenity despite rejection or disapproval if you allow yourself permission to say what matters to you in every scenario. Giving your soul a voice aids in releasing bad energy such as fear and regret. Surviving the Pressure of Being Single in Africa responds to the misgivings around society’s thought patterns on the single person. The lack of awareness of the pressure matted on the single person is the primary reason for the choice of word combinations for the title of this book.

This book aims to show you how to live a complete single life the way you should live it. It is critical because some people grow out of their single status while others do not. It would be best if you had the wisdom in this fantastic book, no matter which group you belong to or preferences. Everyone experiences singleness at some point in their lives. However, the length of time varies. As a single man or woman, the contents will help you mould your life and broaden your horizons. This book will motivate you to make the most of your single status.

The author intends to raise awareness on the condition of being single in our society today and its depressive tendencies and share possible behavioural dispositions to surviving the pressure.  Depression is the most significant cause of disability in the world, and it contributes significantly to the global illness burden and remains a strained concern for singleness. Unfortunately, depression is rarely discussed in Christian circles since people attribute it to a symptom of a lack of faith. After all, aren’t Christians meant to be full of pleasure, happiness, and the like all of the time? Isn’t depression a symptom of a problem with our connection with God? Depression can creep up on us slowly and softly, and we don’t realize it until it’s too late. It might happen suddenly, especially after a very taxing emotional or physical incident. A careful observation suggests the daily picture of people who are single in our communities.

Life as a single leaves nothing to be covert, especially in a practically controlled society and dominated by those who once were singles. Surviving as a single person has a lot to do with courage and tenacity in the heart—the ability to withstand unimaginable pressure and aggression from the same community one finds himself.

After spending two decades working as Youth Development Specialist (YDS), Edy knows the goals of positive mind development, which brought about this book. He knows the troubles of a single’s life in the world at large and Africa in particular. He knows how well to connect with people and communicate the understanding that helps. For him, a person’s spirituality reflects the core values such individuals project, which means that one cannot be more spiritual than his physical dispositions. Of course, a person’s spiritual growth can be observed or seen in their relationship with the immediate environment.

It becomes a necessity to talk about the grey areas of the Christian singles’ experiences—the constant struggles of duality as a cultural phenomenon. However, psychologists claim that duality exists in most people’s lives to some level. It is no coincidence that an enormous challenge faces the Christian Single with life’s choices that leads to the possibility of displaying a two-faced personality. The single person lives in societies where people have no problems living a dual life. The reality of our duality is encouraged by the social norms for dual allegiance—a condition where you love Christ and partake of the fellowship of darkness.

In contrast to what is only imagined, reality is the sum or a composite of everything real or existent inside a system. Reality is the sum of a system, known and unknown, in physical terms. Beyond that, which is real, there is also the ideal. The ideal is the perfect expectation with which a person’s character thrives. Character attributes such as loyalty, honesty, courage, integrity, fortitude, and other vital virtues that encourage good behaviour exemplify excellent character built by setting out ideals. A person of good character decides to do the right thing because it is the morally correct thing to do. Other good character traits have little to do with morals but are essential in defining a person’s personality. Being tenacious or inventive are excellent qualities but not moral imperatives.

The seat of religion is supposed to lead adherents to the place of honourable character fashioned after the ideal principles of its tenets. But too many times, religion is oblivious of the practical realities that face adherents. What becomes resultant is the apparent fact that devotees struggle with expressing the ideal as proposed by the religious systems but in the same vein living out a reality that is opposite to that ideal described above. We see religious people everywhere wearing a cap of a dual identity.

Constantly dealing with the issue of dual identity—where situations determine how we live and act in a society that expects us to live and act in some kind of way other than presented. Again, you could call it Leading a double life. Thousands of men and women, according to psychologists, are entangled in a web of falsehoods, risks, and humiliation that forces them into covert behaviour that is substantially different from their ordinary lives.

According to Robert Motta, head of the PhD program at Hofstra University’s School of Community Psychology and a psychologist in Hempstead, N.Y., leading a double life is not as rare or weird as it may appear. What this means is that most people will live parallel lives at some point in their lives despite their affiliations to a given religion

This book is a silent dialogue between two concepts— the real and the ideal. These two concepts are engraved in the discussion following. With our heavy Christian background, living in a world with diverse cultures and the same ecosystem, the Christian believer battles the same issues as non-Christians. Our approach to life and teaching puts the bulk of concentration on the ideal. We thrive on making people be and do the ideal. We want to see a church of saints who have overcome the world. Whereas underneath are struggling Christians in real life. Typically, our belief system does not allow its adherents to participate in certain social aspects; it regulates what to do, when and where to go, and how we live. Of course, the tenant of religion promotes and uplift the high standards of human society. It forbids the use of harmful substances, encourages better human behaviour, responds to environmental revitalization, is responsive to the needs of others and the well-being of the strong, and supports the weak and vulnerable. But adherents of these religions share the same community with non-adherents and find themselves participating in social engagements against the tenet of their profession of faith. It is said Christian ideal not to drink alcohol, and it is also real that Christians drink alcohol. Christians go to the club, smoke weed, get high on drugs, join in robbery, kill, and other heinous crimes. Singles in the Christian church also struggle like singles everywhere. I feel that we spend much of our time playing the ostrich—our heads are covered perfectly in the sand while exposing our whole body to the same vices we hide.

Motivated by the possibility of change, the good news is that we have to get intentional about our diagnoses. When we get the proper diagnoses, we are halfway towards the cure because your diagnosis takes you to administer the right kind of treatment. We diagnose by accepting our present reality, dealing with practical, real-life issues that affect congregants.  Talk about these with fairness, unbiased, non-judgmental, and the openness to seek help. These are the many issues we run away from discussing, and those are the practical realities of our young people, who are looking to us for answers, but we fail them.

The author reaffirms the greatness that comes with being single in our communities. He presents a reassurance of the hope that extends beyond one’s current situation, as well as the blessings of single status as a gift from God. The experience of singleness personifies God in that they can do better than feel unworthy or succumb to the pressure matted on them by society.  The fact is, being single is not a die-cast-lone ranger casserole.

Surviving the Pressure of Being Single is endemic to the author’s personal experience. Uduakobong and I got married in a period around my 35th birthday, which meant that the long whip of socio-cultural pressure had a warm embrace on me. Observing the same attacks on others led me into deeper contemplation on the painful experience of singleness.

As it is said, leadership hinges on readership. Having read much about other people’s experiences with singleness; the ever-growing sociological problems imposed on singleness, I thought it necessary to lend a voice on the subject. And in my perspective bring hope to current single people leading them to the expectation that God has for them. After many weeks of scrambling for a title, I arrived at Surviving the Pressure of Being Single in Africa.

Writing a complete book, especially for the first time, is a challenging endeavour. It necessitates a lot of effort, a lot of ambition, and a lot of discipline. Sitting down to write the first page was the most challenging part of writing this book.

I considered a couple of questions for myself before beginning to work on my book idea. Do I have the time and mental energy to commit to writing a whole book? Do I have a basic grasp of subject matter? Is it possible for me to keep to a daily writing plan and forego other activities to write? Am I willing to stick to a daily writing schedule and sacrifice other pursuits in the process of writing? Am I prepared to develop potentially unfamiliar skills, like self-editing and rewriting? I knew that this endeavour would expose my strengths and weaknesses on the whole.

I was demoralized initially. The reason it took me about two years to finally write a book. I spoke to a mentor about my predicament, and he said to me: You don’t need to have it all worked out. I complained: But of all my giftedness, writing isn’t part. Well, there’s no one born with a pen in hand. He said. That reaction was helpful to me. I considered having a skeletal idea of the shape and direction of the book then went to work. I eventually established a consistent writing space. It was on my mobile phone I did the bulk of the writing. My schedule is pretty busy. So I mapped a period between breaks at work and closure. The size of the space is usually two hours, starting at 11:00 pm. At this time, I usually have my quiet place free of distractions where I can consistently get good writing done.

Extensive hours of research has resulted in the scope of coverage of this book. Long nights of reading and comparing notes

Researching into the subject is the greatest asset of this book. A considerable part of this book comes from the personal experience of over twenty years of practical pastoral ministry. I have travelled extensively, met many people who experienced different cultures, extended ministerial services across Africa, Europe, and Asia. My interest in human development has led to my study into Psychology, Mindfulness, Coaching and Marketing. Taking classes in a wide range of courses enhanced my desire for human development and youths. Read for this book, I have visited more than four University Libraries and have used references relating to this book on the subject. The Internet was handy as well. A wide range of information on the topic saturates this medium—good and evil. Looking up videos on YouTube was another unique addition.

There is a big expectation for a second edition. The subsequent editions will give ample room for the inclusion of peculiarities and nuances the singleness in the African continent encounter. As much as I desire to answer some of the troubling questions, I hope this book will raise more questions to further engagements.

Acknowledgement

I have to start by thanking my exceptional wife, Uduakobong. From our prior discussions to giving me advice on the themes to cover, she was so amazing. Thank you so much, dear.

I thank you, Professor Jonny Ogunji, for the inspiration for this book. You engineered it in 2019 when you said, Pastor, I wish you could document these experiences in a book You may not understand the extent of your mentorship. I will not forget the contributions of Dr Menuchim Levi, Dr Yetunde Alozie, and the entire Public Campus Ministries team of ENUC. These are very close associates in ministry to young people.

I thank Dr Bassey Udoh for creating the platform. You have made us worthwhile by identifying our gifts and creating the venue for our relevance.

Lastly, all the glory, honour, and adoration goes to the Lord God Almighty.

Introduction

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ingle people face an uncommon reality of the pressure matted on them by the communities they called their own. These communities fail to understand that the status of singleness is only a stage in a person’s life. The most challenging is the perspectives most often projected by the church community.  Such a perspective fails to decipher ideal norms from real-life situations. The church undoubtedly upholds and promotes the ideals of scripture in the face of the realities of life’s struggles. These struggles are also real to the biblical characters from whence we borrow the ideals. The church community miss the part that biblical narrative on human character recognition the state of the present realities of the times and gently bring the sinner to being Saint. Here in this book, the author recognized the reality of the life of the single person’s condition and gradually ushered them into the word of God.

As single people relate with experience shared in the short stories told here, they are empowered to stand up to the tenant of God’s expectations for their lives in Christ. For the records, every story and illustrations are a real-time event. Only the names are fictitious. The stories told in this book are for illustration purposes and are born from the writer’s personal experience from being single into becoming married.

Most of us had specific ideas of what it looks like to have our life figured out, shaped by society and culture from a young age. Usually, this involves a well-paid career, marriage, children, and so on. Singleness never forms part of this grand scheme, even when there is evidence of its presence.

I’d been single a long time. I’ve had to struggle with loneliness, dealt with rejection, and the uncomfortable stigma of being single in my life. I have been there, not believing I was desirable. I’d tried dating myself again and again, and it was not working. The truth is, we’re humans, and God did not mean for us to do life alone. We want to love someone. And that’s okay. That’s the way we got built biologically. It’s not okay to lose ourselves because we don’t have someone to love—or lose ourselves in the person we’ve chosen to love. I had struggled with singleness and also lost myself in relationships. I have jumped into things way too fast after a breakup was still fresh because I didn’t want to be alone or be by myself. I needed to prove to myself that I was desirable, lovable, and worthy. And it’s tough to feel that way when you’re at home eating your feelings. I have felt that deep loneliness, the kind that keeps you from taking good care of yourself. Many times, I have tried to be someone I wasn’t for someone else. Forced things that didn’t feel right because I wanted it to work. Deep inside, I knew I needed to be single and learn the lessons that come with the status. I’ve been in relationships constantly since I was twenty-two. I knew I needed to build a better one with myself before making anything healthy and meaningful with anyone else. So, I wish you to have a satisfying single life, taking a lift from my experiences while I was single.

Singleness is an illusion. Society and the church teach that it is not cool to be single indirectly. We grow up with that helpless doctrine influencing the background of our lives. The pressure that we find even in the church makes it feel uncomfortable if you are unmarried. As soon as you turn 25 years old, the older people in the church wonder whether you are straight. They ask you questions like: when are you going to get married? Have you found anybody yet? Your friends are all married. What are you waiting for? Should we get you a person? Are you lesbian? Are you gay? They pressure you to make you feel like something is wrong with you because you are single. As a result, you begin to believe that you will not be complete until you marry.

Today, we face the reality of the increase in the number of single persons globally. It is happening, even though marriage is still prevalent in many areas. People who marry for the first time wait longer than ever before; as a result, single life lasts longer in adulthood. They are less likely to remarry after getting married and divorced than they used to be, and remarrying takes longer.

Although marriage is still quite popular in many communities, this is happening. People who marry for the first time wait longer than ever before, resulting in a prolonged period of single life in adulthood. They are less likely than in the past to remarry after getting married and divorced, and remarrying takes longer.

With the predominance of singlehood and its expanding numbers, it is imperative that we better comprehend single people’s experiences in the face of tremendous cultural, societal, and political pressures. Singles, without a doubt, are plagued with ambivalence regarding their situation. Most people feel that being single is synonymous with being sad. The feeling of being alone provokes a wide range of emotions. Some people appear to prefer living alone and assert that they have a high quality of life. Many people choose to remain alone after being divorced or widowed. Others, mainly those not single of their own volition, are more prone to sadness and suffer from health problems. A single is a person not actively engaged in any relationship, whether partnered or married, in the past.

The inspiration for this book came from working with thousands of people who suffered acute depression due to their being single over the last decade. They enjoyed a lot of success throughout their careers. Many of them were fortunate to have beautiful friends. They considered themselves failures since they had no one to kiss in the morning and nothing to do on a Friday night. They adopted the notion that suggests not having a mate was a flaw. Most of them had only been in shady, poisonous, imbalanced relationships, and being single was much worse. They suspected there was something wrong with them and came to me to find out what it was. They were mostly in their thirties and forties, and they thought their time was running out.

When you’re single, you cultivate the best soil for growth. You’re less motivated to go into the black box of your former relationships. You’ve entered a new environment; away from the collision, shutting up that door, and you’ve progressed. As a result, your prospects of completely absorbing and owning your role in learning, developing, and becoming a better version of yourself are pretty slim. Exclusively if, like most of us, you plunged into a new relationship soon after the other one ended. That’s why the growth soil is so fertile during the transitional period between relationships. Before you meet someone else, you only have a limited amount of time to work on yourself and your life.

It doesn’t rule out the possibility of personal development while in a partnership. But it’s not going to happen. You’re constructing something with someone else while you’re in a relationship. You’re a part of something bigger than yourself. As a result, it’s critical to make the most of your free time. Instead of looking for someone to spend time with, you should focus on yourself. Patterns that you have. Your definitions are correct. What you like and why you want it. Your fantasies. It is the crater you wish to make in the world. It would be best if you examined yourself-relationship.

Foremost, it would help if you were with yourself. My purpose in writing this book is to help you begin that process. To introduce you to yourself—perhaps for the first time for many of you. First, we must dispel one of the most common misunderstandings about life: that you can’t be happy unless you’re with someone. Over the years, I’ve trained thousands of singles, and every single one of them believed they couldn’t be happy unless they found a mate when they came to me. They were incomplete or faulty because they were single. They got convinced that something was wrong with them simply because they were single.

Yes, a relationship can provide you with a lot of happiness. We’re all human. Therefore, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. However, you do not need to be in a relationship to be happy. It isn’t the only way to happiness in life. It is not necessary for you to love someone else to be satisfied. That’s something you’ve learned from movies, advertisements, societal norms, social media, and old plans. Since you were given your first Barbie doll and then promptly added a Ken doll to complete the picture, the world has been flying this flag in your face.

Surviving the Pressure of Being Single in Africa is for everyone who feels unworthy or flawed because they haven’t discovered the one or real love. Anyone who is sick of swiping and being ghosted on; those who are sick of naughty photos, double standards, and one-night stands; anyone who is unsure if they can have children; anyone who feels hopeless, lonely, or frustrated and is unsure what to do. This book is also for everyone who is currently in a relationship but is unhappy with the way things are going. You’ve gone off the rails.

Loving on your terms can be the only way to secure your fears in the face of uncertainty. The phrase in love has changed to in lost, and neither of you is sure who you are anymore. There’s a lot of pointing fingers, sex is scheduled or doesn’t happen at all, and you’ve both lost touch with who you were before you met. You may have gripes about your relationship, but you’re learning that it’s not actually about them. It’s not about fixing the relationship or changing someone. You don’t have the energy for that right now. It’s all about getting started with yourself. Because here’s the thing: being single isn’t all there is to it.

The prime point is that being single entails being a complete person, even if you’re in a committed relationship. It’s even more critical when you’re in a relationship. Singleness is about not defining yourself through your relationship or being reliant on it. It all starts with having a healthy relationship with yourself. However, many of us become engrossed in our relationships. We become a lesser part of something bigger—our relationship with our partner—consuming us. Alternatively, we may approach partnerships in fragments, expecting that the relationship or our partner will reassemble us. And we all know what happens next—crisis. A healthy relationship involves two people who together conduct life with one another, and not at or around one another. We need a healthy relationship with ourselves, but who teaches us how to do that? There is no obligation in school for students to learn about limits, independence, and self-awareness. Healthy connections with oneself don’t come easy to the majority of people. We never learn how to genuinely care for, connect with, and create a healthy relationship with ourselves because we don’t come with an owner’s manual. We know which conditioners are the most effective for our hair. We’re aware of the meals we should avoid. We understand how to look after others. But we don’t know how to nourish our spirits. We don’t know how to use a Sharpie instead of chalk to create limits.

We have no idea how to refuel. We don’t know how to get rid of our cognitive biases. We have no idea how to separate who we are from what we do. We don’t learn how to love ourselves completely. Not in a self-help book-style checking off a list fashion, but in a sincere and long-term way that transforms us from the inside out. A method that allows us to comprehend and embrace our tale. That will enable us to understand who we are and what we are worth. Finally, everybody who has never been single should read this book. You’ve been in relationships for a long time, bouncing from one lily pad to the next and repeating the same unhealthy patterns.

The only thing that changes are the people’s faces. You’re scared and unhappy with yourself. It’s a lot easier to hide behind someone else’s mask. You are hiding from yourself or in a relationship to feel secure limits your opportunity to grow and explore your human potential. You are aware of this. And you’re well aware that you need to improve your relationship with yourself. You don’t know how but you’ll need a map. That is the essence of this book. It isn’t about finding someone else. It’s about finding yourself in the status of singleness. It’s about finding your true north and running there as fast as you can. Finding your place in Jesus while you’re still single is the only way to survive, especially in Africa.

PART ONE

Struggles Heats

Single is no longer a lack of options – but a choice. A choice to refuse to let your relationship status define your life but to live every day happily and let your ever after work itself out.

— Mandy Hale

CHAPTER 1

Understanding Singleness

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he increases in the number of single persons has become a global phenomenon. Even though marriage is still quite popular in many regions, this is happening. People who marry wait longer than ever before to marry for the first time; therefore, living Single takes up longer spans of adult life. If they get married and divorced, they are less likely to remarry than they used to be, and it takes longer if they remarry.

Divorce is another major factor contributing to the rise of single persons. Divorce rates have soared over the world, according to a new survey.

With the prevalence of singlehood and its rising numbers, it behoves us to understand better the experiences of single people in the face of significant cultural and societal pressures. Undoubtedly, singles experience inescapable ambivalence about their singleness. And if there is an absence of support, such as financial affording, self-establishment, social support, career establishment, and overall stability, it will place them in a difficult social position.

Singleness is becoming increasingly crucial to address, particularly in urban areas where single persons are disproportionately high. So, Surviving the Pressure of Being Single is asking, What are we expected to know about singlehood? What does God have to say about being unmarried for a while? What is it He wants us to know?

What it is

The singlehood or singleness as used in this book refers to the status of not being married. However, because it is typical for people to be in a love relationship but not married, this term can also refer to a person without a romantic partner.

Some believe that being single is the same as being unhappy. The experience of being single elicits a wide range of reactions. Some people appear to prefer living alone and claim to have a high quality of life. After being divorced or widowed, many people opt to remain single. Others, mainly those not single by choice, are more likely to be depressed and have health issues. There are a seeming classifying of singleness by simple observation.

The Singly-single. This is a single person who is single in the true sense of being single. They are in no known romantic relationship and may or may not be interested. This group is either uninterested or are quietly waiting for the favourable time to manifest. They may be outgoing but have no string attached.

The single-searching. This single is open to possible romantic relationships, travels, meeting people, and expecting a potential hookup. They are conscious about self-image and pay attention to attractiveness. Some singles of this group keep multiple dates and nurture a game of numerous relationships in their gallery. They operate by a principle that says, selectivity implies rejection. They have a wide range of options.

The single-and-aloof. This is the bed warmer. Always in bed and doesn’t care with whom to have sex. Some of this group go about testing for compatibility and having difficulty finding one with whom to be compatible. They are flirts and dwell in promiscuity. Their go-to phrase is no hard feelings.

The single-but-not-single. This individual is already in a relationship with the expectation of marriage, cohabiting and experiencing all known benefits of marriage but no long-term commitment from their partner.

The single-and-frustrated. This single is already frustrated with relationships either from failed experimentation, heartbreaks, and disappointments. That is a dangerous situation of being single, for it expresses depressive-aggression tendencies. Nonetheless, the working definition of single for this book is a person not currently engaged in any relationship, whether paired or married in the past.

Single in the word’s sense.

I met this young lady many years ago at the university. We worked in a team together, developing programs for the Division of Spiritual Life of the university. I saw an assertive young woman with audacity. Respectful but fearless. I was single at a time. I thought to myself, this is the one—a wife material. I’m positive about it. I was afraid of reaching out to her initially because I didn’t know how to