Squelch: An Adventure

By Georgia Luse

Squelch is a creature from another dimension who desperately wants to be a clown. He comes to Earth to do so, and has a series of misadventures. However, he ultimately triumphs through the power of friendship and teamwork.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Georgia Luse
• Release date: Dec 5, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201161934

Book preview

Squelch – An Adventure

Chapter 1

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away called SuperHeck, lived a little demon named Squelch. Squelch loved being a demon! He loved doing all the stereotypical things that demons do, like calling households during dinnertime and asking them if they’d like to contribute exactly 73 cents to a charity for quadruple-amputee companion animals. He thoroughly enjoyed poking firebadgers with spoons. And oh, how he thrilled to his core when he was able to confuse younger demons with the old 'Is your refrigerator running?' gag. Yet there was a way of life for which Squelch yearned.

Squelch wanted to be a clown.

And not just any clown, either. Clowns in storm drains? Feh. Zombie clowns riding unicycles? Oh, please. Squelch dismissed scary clowns with a wave of his claws. He wanted to be a good clown, a clown that made little children in hospitals smile. Squelch really, really wanted to learn how to paint his face expertly, to put on the funny shoes and not immediately fall over, to don the red nose with aplomb. He wanted to Entertain.

Unfortunately, there was one major obstacle to accomplishing this objective. Squelch lived on SuperHeck, not on Earth. And, sadly, there are no clowns there. Unless you count the clowns in storm drains and the zombie clowns riding unicycles, and who does that?

Squelch fervently studied the art of clowning. He practiced his makeup for hours at a time. He honed his tumbling skills until he was bruised. He even made a bulbous nose out of some scrap material he found that was destined for the incinerator. He poured himself completely into the pursuit of this undying dream.

And for a while [approximately 5.4 quadraminutes per encounter; he timed it], it worked. Kind of. Beings expecting to be tormented by a red man with a goatee and pointy tail were extremely surprised and somewhat appalled by the appearance of a short, slim, happy-faced demon-creature with a red nose and what was evidently completely abysmal taste in pattern-matching. But surprise soon gave way to derision, and Squelch would withdraw tearfully.

Oh, I want to be a real clown. I want to be a real clown so badly! he would fret whilst poking yet another firebadger with yet another spoon.

And then one day, Squelch’s dream came true.

Chapter 2

It came about as an accident, of sorts, if you believe in accidents. There had been an expedition to Earth planned, a kind of research trip, one could say. The geonauts, as they liked to call themselves, were trying to find out if poking badgers with spoons is just as vexing to the badgers on Earth as it is to the firebadgers in SuperHeck. As a side trip, they were going to seek out every Earth landmark with the word ‘devil’ or 'demon'in its name. They were planning to be gone quite a while.

Squelch had reacted to the news of their voyage with much envy and not a little wistfulness. Oh, how I wish I could go to Earth as well! I would find a park, and play with the children, and no one would ever make fun of me again!

By this point, Squelch was dreadfully tired of his fellow demons always poking fun at him [sometimes even with spoons]. All he wanted to do was be a clown! Was that so difficult to understand?

But the only things his brethren could say were things like Squelch, get your head outta the stalactites and back in the brimstone. You’re never gonna go to Earth, and you’re never gonna be a clown. If you wanna be a clown, go get in the storm drains like the rest of ‘em. Or learn to ride a unicycle. That’ll keep ya busy.

These remarks, made over and over to Squelch ever since his announcement that he wanted to be a clown, irritated him to no end. It wasn’t as if this was a trend, he thought. Not like his attempt to breed aggressive, cage-fighting dormice, or cultivate heat-resistant tea roses. Those had lasted only half a level each, unlike his obsession with clowns.

From the first time he saw a clown perform, he had been absolutely fascinated by the art of clowning. All he wanted was to create a clown persona that was believable, that others could connect to, and that they would ... like.

You see, that was Squelch’s real problem. He didn’t know how to connect with his fellow demons. While they were off strategically placing buckets of holy water in doorways and sending nasty notes to each other [postage due, of course], he was researching clowns and trying to breed non-somnolent dormice!

It's ridiculous, he thought. Everyone is always having fun, except for me. And then he sighed, and started plotting as to how he was going to infiltrate that expedition to Earth and get the heck out of SuperHeck before he was Level 7.

Level 7 had always been Squelch’s benchmark for a time by which to achieve something. He was constantly telling himself I better get this done, or I’ll be Level 7 in no time. Well, here he was at level 6.85 and he hadn’t gone to Earth yet!

Squelch’s plan was simple, really:infiltrate the geonauts’ base of operations and surreptitiously accompany them to Earth, then split once they arrived. The problem was, he wasn’t quite sure how he was going to sneak into their camp. He had a vague idea that once he got in, he would just hide himself amongst the cargo and let them figure out later why the luggage suddenly gained 13 hectapounds, but beyond that he had absolutely no clue. He was basically flying by the seat of his baggy, polka-dotted pants.

The first step, obviously, was to infiltrate the camp, which then presented the first problem: Where in the [super]heck was it?

After searching high and low all through the dimension for the geonaut camp, Squelch finally had an Aha! moment. He pulled out his Device of Distraction[tm], and asked the little demonlet residing inside, Where, O Wise and Wonderful Demonlet of Intelligence, also known as Chip, is the geonaut camp?, to which Chip, the Demonlet of Knowledge replied Duh, it’s at the rollerskating rink.

So Squelch schlepped on down to the rollerskating rink, which he had passed many times before, and which indeed had out in front of it a giant tent with an even bigger sign on it proclaiming 'GEONAUT CAMP'.