Purposeful And Better You

By Mbuso Mabuza

Life is difficult, but you can decide and choose to make life an amazing and worthwhile journey. Every person has a unique journey and purpose in life. Be at peace with where you are along that journey while you simultaneously maintain a healthy sense of urgency to take action every day along the trajectory to get where you want to go. When you commit and take responsibility for your life, you show maturity, you cease to make excuses and you also do not shift the blame, regardless of what is happening in your life. Use your talents to serve and make the most of life. Set your own goals and do not measure yourself against others. Be a game changer and inspire others in the way you think and in the way you live your life, in your relationships, in your calling, in your career, in your business, and in all other spheres of your life. Be yourself, but a better version of yourself. The mental shift can help you towards living your dream. Be the best you can be, regardless of any circumstance.

The most important lesson is to understand life, not to have a priori judgements about it. If you are alive, you are perfect even in your imperfections. No matter what is going on around you, all that matters is what is going on inside you. Make an investment in yourself by taking care of your health and wellbeing, having interests, a calling, a career, and a self that functions gracefully inside or outside of a relationship. Do not elevate frustrations to the level of catastrophes. Most of them are merely irritations – treat them that way and you will find that even the greyest bad days will take on a rosier hue. Value yourself, embrace challenges with poise, breakdown physical and mental barriers, and look at things with a different perspective. There is a reason why you are where you are. Yours is to understand the reason. Happiness is a choice and a decision, no matter what is going on. Embrace all of life.

How wonderful it would be if your life could be like a patient steady river, a patient steady forward progress towards fulfilment of your life's purpose. Where sea and river meet, the river seems to achieve more by patiently breaking through the barrier wall of sand hurled up the beach by the roaring sea and flows gently and serenely into those restless waters.

The purpose of this book is to help you find the way that is right for you. By examining the messages that your upbringing delivered to you, by trying to understand and discover yourself, by trying to comprehend the complexity of your relationships with parents, siblings, relatives, lovers, in-laws, friends, colleagues, clients, business partners and employees, you will, I hope, gain greater insight into who you are. You will see how letting go of negative perceptions of yourself and replacing them with positive ones can create conditions where you can define yourself and do for yourself. Maturity is a goal worthy of pursuit.

This book will be of benefit to people of all walks of life. If this book could touch you, encourage you, inspire you, and challenge you to be the best you can be, awakening you to the realisation that life is now, it would have achieved its purpose. Topics covered in this book include: the art of living; emotional fitness; finding meaning and making the most of life; the wisdom of health and wellbeing; common issues affecting people; journey of self-discovery and self-efficacy; financial empowerment; self-compassion; building your self-esteem and self-confidence; thought person re-engineering; empowering ideas to enable positive change; self-improvement; improving the way you think; the relationship road; when the healing is not happening; peace above the storm; pearls of happiness; and blueprint of the new and better you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lekwandza
• Release date: May 11, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201973704

Mbuso Mabuza

Highly motivated life-long learner and health professional with a mission to improve health outcomes and to expand quality healthcare experiences amongst all groups of people and influence change and innovation. 

Book preview

Preface

"I am learning that it is my choice to perceive the world in a more optimistic light because I am learning that it is also my choice to perceive myself that way. Every single day is a lesson in the old adage that the transformation of the world we see begins with the transformation of how we see ourselves."

You are always a valuable, worthwhile human being, not because anybody says so, not because of your status, not because of your race or creed, not because of your age or gender, not because you are successful or not successful, not because you make a lot of money or you do not make a lot of money, not because you are educated or not educated, not because of your circumstance or condition, but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason.

Life is difficult, but you can decide and choose to make life an amazing and worthwhile journey. Life is not about winning or losing, it is about enjoying every single moment in life whether you are alone or with others. Every person has a unique journey and purpose in life. As we grow as unique persons, we learn to respect the uniqueness of others.

It is the journey that is more important, and not the destination. Be at peace with where you are along that journey while you simultaneously maintain a healthy sense of urgency to take action every day along the trajectory to get where you want to go. Go for it now, because the future is promised to no one. Be kind to yourself and live this day as if it were your last. Each day is a gift, and each day brings its own individual wonder.

When you commit and take responsibility for your life, you show maturity, you cease to make excuses and you also do not shift the blame, regardless of what is happening in your life. Use your talents to serve and make the most of life. Set your own goals and do not measure yourself against others. Be a game changer and inspire others in the way you think and in the way you live your life, in your relationships, in your calling, in your career, in your business, and in all other spheres of your life.

Be yourself, but a better version of yourself. To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of your family members, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform. The mental shift can help you towards living your dream. What you think determines what happens to your life, if you want to change your life, you need to stretch your mind. Be the best you can be, regardless of any circumstance. Remember that circumstances do not make you, but they reveal you. You can choose to be miserable or you can motivate yourself.

The most important lesson is to understand life, not to have a priori judgements about it. If you are alive, you are perfect even in your imperfections. No matter what is going on around you, all that matters is what is going on inside you. Make an investment in yourself by taking care of your health and wellbeing, having interests, a calling, a career, and a self that functions gracefully inside or outside of a relationship. Do not elevate frustrations to the level of catastrophes. Most of them are merely irritations – treat them that way and you will find that even the greyest bad days will take on a rosier hue. Value yourself, embrace challenges with poise, breakdown physical and mental barriers, and look at things with a different perspective. There is a reason why you are where you are. Yours is to understand the reason. Happiness is a choice and a decision, no matter what is going on. Embrace all of life.

How wonderful it would be if your life could be like a patient steady river, a patient steady forward progress towards fulfilment of your life’s purpose. Where sea and river meet, the river seems to achieve more by patiently breaking through the barrier wall of sand hurled up the beach by the roaring sea and flows gently and serenely into those restless waters.

You are the essence of life, love, and creative energy, a spontaneous expression of the Infinite Life Force that flows through you. And, how that Life Force expresses itself is determined by your beliefs about who you are.

The purpose of this book is to help you find the way that is right for you. By examining the messages that your upbringing delivered to you, by trying to understand and discover yourself, by trying to comprehend the complexity of your relationships with parents, siblings, relatives, lovers, in-laws, friends, colleagues, clients, business partners and employees, you will, I hope, gain greater insight into who you are. You will see how letting go of negative perceptions of yourself and replacing them with positive ones can create conditions where you can define yourself and do for yourself.

Defining yourself means asking the right questions. Who am I? What are my pleasures? What are the things that give me pain? What do I have in life to work with? What are my abilities? What do I want as a goal, and what process should I use to reach it? Can I let go of old bitterness toward my parents or any other person and accept them for who they are? What characteristics of my own personality need work? How do I repeat self-destructive patterns? Can I learn to stop them?

Why? countless people have cried out in pain – striving to make sense of the suffering that is a part of the human existence, a sad reality in the world. But whys cannot always be answered, our suffering often does not make sense.

We want to be healed, we want to mend the broken pieces of our souls, we want the cup of suffering to pass from us, yet it is not to be. Instead, we are to ask for one thing only – true surrender of our being. With this surrender comes the light that guides us on the path of the spirit, and with this surrender comes a faith not of rescue and restoration, but of living love in us even through our trials and tribulations.

Even if we cannot grasp the mystery of human suffering, we can begin to see the results of it. As steel is tempered by fire, as trees grow livelier through pruning, as backs grow stronger after carrying heavy loads, so suffering can temper, enliven, and strengthen us.

Change the way you think and live, so that day by day you inspire other people. It is like writing a beautiful story about your life, and unearthing a number of precious diamonds along the way. Create the life you want, today! How will your life story read? Do you need to change? The bottom line is that you need to achieve the best YOU in every aspect of your life and inspire others!

We need to live to the fullest by realising that happiness is not a destination but a manner of travelling and the way we think. We need to be present and experience the journey in order to get to where we want to be.

Start today. Take small steps toward a well-defined goal – one that will give you some flexibility and freedom, and a chance to develop your skills. If your primary goal is to make money, lots and lots of money, you should not start a business. Business is not just about making money, it is about adding value to your consumers. Bear in mind that the main reason 99 percent of start-ups fail in the first year of their business is because they fail to identify and solve the needs of the people and the society which would have made their business flourish. They fail because they are building something that is not high in demand, or in other words, the marketplace does not see the value.

Have faith in yourself and make the rules. Do not listen to others who try to dissuade you. Stand up to pressure with all your will.

Things do not always go the way you might want them to – things go wrong, situations do not turn out as you planned. Things change; people change; circumstances change. Maybe it is a relationship that does not deepen and grow the way you might have expected. Maybe it is a business or career that does not grow the way you might have expected. Although you cannot always control how things pan out, you can determine your own reaction when things do not develop or end up the way you expected them to.

Value yourself, embrace challenges with poise, breakdown physical and mental barriers, and look at things with a different perspective. There is a reason why you are where you are. Yours is to understand the reason. There are no regrets in life. Only lessons. The path to success and fulfilment of your life’s purpose is never a straight line. Your mindset can sculpt your results. Here is to a purposeful new and better you!

This book will be of benefit to people of all walks of life. If this book could touch you, encourage you, inspire you, and challenge you to be the best you can be, awakening you to the realisation that life is now, it would have achieved its purpose. Topics covered in this book include: the art of living; emotional fitness; finding meaning and making the most of life; the wisdom of health and wellbeing; common issues affecting people; journey of self-discovery and self-efficacy; financial empowerment; self-compassion; building your self-esteem and self-confidence; thought person re-engineering; empowering ideas to enable positive change; self-improvement; improving the way you think; the relationship road; when the healing is not happening; peace above the storm; pearls of happiness; and blueprint of the new and better you.

Dr Mbuso Mabuza

Global Health Consultant & Life Strategist

chapter 1

Introduction

"W e delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." - Maya Angelou

In the context of the purpose of this book, helping you to find the way that is right for you, for a purposeful new you and better you, it is fitting to borrow the words of Hal Elrod, adapted from the podcast, How to Be Awesome at Your Job. "Any time you find yourself wishing or wanting that you were further along than you are, just realise that when you finally get to the point that you have been working so hard for so long you almost never wish it would have happened any sooner. Instead, you look back and you see the timing and the journey were perfect. All the adversity, all the challenges, it all played a part in you becoming the person that you needed to be to get where you want to go. 

So, if you can take that hindsight and bring it into your life now, use that to be at peace no matter where you are right now, no matter what is going on, no matter how difficult or whatever is going on. Be at peace with where you are every day along that journey while you simultaneously maintain a healthy sense of urgency to take action every day to get where you want to go, but do not get there out of a feeling of stress and anxiety such as I am not where I want to be. Just embrace where you are. If you are alive, you are perfect. No matter what is going on around you, all that matters is what is going on inside you. So be at peace with where you are and take steps every day to get where you want to go."

One of the major problems with us humans is that we always look outside of ourselves for fulfilment and the answers to our problems. We try to find happiness in material possessions or in our activities. Through experience, one has learned that you will never find completeness outside of yourself because nothing complete exists outside of us. The greatest completeness one has experienced is within. The inner search is something that has been ignored in this age of health, with its emphasis on scientific materialism.

We all make a connection between love and goodness. Attraction is based on the assumption that another person has something good to bring into your life. Our definition of goodness may be shallow or deep. It takes inner growth to appreciate goodness as a deeper value.

Ultimately, people are good because of who they are; goodness is a quality of being. Once we have made this discovery, we stop measuring people by their achievements. We expect goodness as a part of their essence, and of ours. When this happens, we no longer expect a reward for ‘doing good.’

We no longer bestow love when people are good to us and withdraw it when they are bad. Instead, love becomes a constant in our lives. It just is. People who have reached this stage are in true possession of their love stories. They do not judge or live in fear of judgement.

Once it has grown to fullness, such love has no fear of being wounded. Imperfect forms of love are much more vulnerable. Love requires sensitivity. It must have openness.

To value yourself is to love yourself. It is really from here that your love for others comes. This is to value who you are, not what you do.

If we value ourselves by what we do – by accomplishments, good deeds, social acceptance – the scope of our love gets limited. People who value themselves almost entirely for what they do will not have love stories of their own. They live in distorted beliefs. In essence, the ‘self’ is of highest value; it becomes love without exception.

The mystery of love has not changed across the centuries, we have only fallen short of it. Whenever a person’s heart dries up, it may appear that love has dried up. In fact, that person has built a boundary to shut out a force that is always at flood tide. To exist within love’s full, unbridled power is terrifying unless you have walked the path to love in complete devotion to the very end.

Many people are trapped in a definition of love that is far too limited. One needs to expand the definition, allow your conception of love to go beyond your emotional needs, and your whole perspective will change. You won’t see failure and defeat. Far from it – you will see perfection. Your existence is an expression of love, the only real expression it can have. Love knows that you exist and cares for your existence. All people are innocent in the light of love.

My hunch is that for a given level of intelligence, your actual achievement is a function not just of talent, but also of the capacity to stand defeat. People’s beliefs about their abilities have a profound effect on those abilities. Ability is not a fixed property; there is a huge variability in how you perform. People who have a sense of self-efficacy bounce back from failures; they approach things in terms of how to handle them rather than worrying about what can go wrong.

Men and women through the ages who have had successful lives have captured the following five secrets of living life to the fullest:

Have a self you respect: If you respect yourself, you will live with love, compassion, empathy, and integrity. If you have a self you respect, it will be easy to respect others.

Improve yourself for growth and give more to life: Improving yourself and giving more to life helps you by producing nutrients of gratitude and encouragement, and by investing your time and energy in their aspirations. If a tree is given minimal nourishment, it will live, but it will not grow. But if nourishment is given over and beyond what is needed for life, the tree will live and grow, producing fruit.

Turn disappointments into strengths: Individuals who live with abandon have discovered that personal trials make them more sensitive and loving, while building endurance, and character. They have learnt that achievements worth remembering are stained with the blood of diligence and etched with the scars of deep disappointment. The pages of history are filled with the heroic stories of undaunted men and women who triumphed over disabilities and adversities to demonstrate victorious spirits. Raise him in abject poverty, and you have an Abraham Lincoln. Make her blind and deaf, and you have a Helen Keller. The Story of My Life, a remarkable account of overcoming the debilitating challenges of being both deaf and blind, has become an international classic, making Helen Keller one of the most well-known, inspirational figures in history. Originally published in 1903, Keller’s fascinating memoir narrates the events of her life up to her third year at Radcliffe College. Helen Keller’s story of struggle and achievement is one of unquenchable hope. From tales of her difficult early days, to details of her relationship with her beloved teacher Anne Sullivan, to her impressions of academic life, Keller’s honest, straightforward writing lends insight into an amazing mind.

Enjoy life’s journey: To live with abandon, we must live one day at a time, savouring the little victories, realising that life is an endless journey in self-discovery and personal fulfilment. It means taking time to hug your children, kiss your spouse, and let the other fellow pass you on the freeway.

Become involved in something bigger than yourself: I do not believe you will live happily if you set out to live life for yourself, alone. Choose a cause bigger than you are and work at it in a spirit of excellence.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched – they must be felt with the heart. – Helen Keller

Other people read your life, and that is why you ought to live in such a way that they become jealous because they too long for the joy and peace that they see radiating from your life. Change the way you think and live, so that day by day you inspire other people. It is like writing a beautiful story about your life, and unearthing a number of precious diamonds along the way.

Yes, there may be tears of joy and tears of pain and sorrow as we journey through life, but, all the same, it is an important life story that needs to be recorded in the filing system of the mind. It helps you see the bigger picture of your life, achievements, challenges, hopes and dreams, and reflections on the choices you have made and can still make, regardless of any circumstances.

Legacy building is part of the big picture, and it breaks the downward pull of selfishness that can be inherent in us all. Because of the power of our lives and the legacies we leave, it is a great responsibility to choose to leave a positive legacy, no matter how small it may seem. It can give you the courage, strength and resilience to move forward, regardless of the ups and downs in the past and present. This will make you realise that you actually write your life’s story by the way you think and live your life.

Write your life’s story, and as you write, pay attention to the details along the course of your journey. What do you see? How does it make you feel? What are you doing about it if need be? The bottom line is that you need to achieve the best YOU in every aspect of your life and inspire others! Create the life you want, today! How will your life’s story read? Do you need to change? If you can change your behaviour, you can change the way you think.

Start today. Take small steps toward a well-defined goal – one that will give you some financial independence and a chance to develop your skills. Have faith in yourself and make the rules. Do not listen to others who try to dissuade you. Stand up to pressure with all your will.

Make an investment in yourself by having interests, a career, and a self that functions gracefully inside or outside of a relationship. Do not elevate frustrations to the level of catastrophes. Most of them are merely irritations – treat them that way and you will find that even the greyest bad days will take on a rosier hue.

The most important lesson is to understand life, not to have a priori judgements about it. Only the artists will help us to understand life, to accept it and to enjoy it. By artists, I mean a few rare individuals, who are not concerned about preaching, or seeking a revenge upon the littleness of life, but who have accepted it, have held it up in their stories. In my opinion, these pure artists are our best guides.

Do not ever underestimate your abilities. Stop taking things for granted. Unplug often from your busy life. Maintain your integrity. Argue with your internal critic.

Surviving hardships, extreme deprivation or tragedies changes the way you think about everything. You realise just how much you take for granted. You also realise nothing is as bad as it once was.

Great entrepreneurs have a special mix of grit, can-do attitude and a willingness to learn from their own failures that is not only a testament to their resilience, but an inspiration to everyone, whether you are a business owner yourself or not.

Leadership is not so much about technique and methods as it is about opening the heart. Leadership is about inspiration—of oneself and of others. Great leadership is about human experiences, not processes. Leadership is not a formula or a program, it is a human activity that comes from the heart and considers the hearts of others. It is an attitude, not a routine. -Lance Secretan-

Mistakes will be made. It is best to remain calm and clear headed. Try to use the situation as a learning experience. Mistakes are often great growth opportunities for the person and the business and, if managed correctly, can be turned into a positive learning experience that will yield benefits in the future. So, what does your future hold?

Below is an outline of the chapters of this book:

Chapter 1: Introduction

This chapter lays the foundation for this book. It introduces you to purposeful perspectives for a better life, a purposeful and better you, embracing all of life. An outline of all the chapters of this book is also highlighted.

Chapter 2: Common issues affecting people

We examine common issues that people present with in the coaching practice. Such issues include procrastination; issues with self-confidence and assertiveness; work-life balance; time management; leadership; delegation; happiness; relationships; money and finance; troublesome emotions; and spirituality. You also learn about interventions to address these issues.

Chapter 3: The art of living

To become a new and better you, you need to understand the art of living. You learn about the practice of an art; adopting an attitude of gratitude; cherishing each moment; practising forgiveness; filling yourself from inside with love; being truly pleasant and engaging in correct behaviour. You also learn that the art of living is to know when to hold tight and when to let go.

Chapter 4: Emotional fitness

Now you begin to learn about the real work towards becoming a new and better you. The first thing you learn is the key to optimal wellbeing and performance. You then learn about intra-personal functioning, inter-personal functioning, experience and management of stress, visioning, planning and goal-formulation. You also get to do an emotional fitness assessment.

Chapter 5: The wisdom of health and wellbeing

In this chapter, you learn about the four dimensions of health; staying healthy with foods and nutrients; medications; natural medicine; anti-ageing medicine; benefits of exercise; addictions, emotions, personality types, attitudes and emotions, caring for the sick; caring for the carer; self-care; organisational health and wellbeing.

Chapter 6: Finding meaning and making the most of life

In this chapter you learn how to find meaning in life; the magic of waking up; attitudes that attract success; the road to success; you and your career or calling; good habits of super achievers, what true entrepreneur success is; and time of freedom and recreation.

Chapter 7: Journey of self-discovery and self-efficacy

This chapter takes you through the sixteen steps of the journey of self-discovery and self-efficacy. It includes discovering who you are; where you are; where you are going; your values; your life’s purpose; your feelings and thoughts right now; your needs; your strengths and abilities; your weaknesses and limitations; your passions and interests; your dislikes; your fears and insecurities; positive and inspiring situations in your life; negative and painful situations in your life. Ultimately, you will be able to write your own life’s story.

Chapter 8: Financial empowerment

You are introduced to the basics of money and finance. You learn about investing in yourself first; what your financial future looks like; what financial freedom means to you; creating a financial roadmap for success; need for financial advice; money management; risk tolerance; investing; planning for retirement; transitioning into retirement; and making a will.

Chapter 9: Self-compassion

Are you not too hard on yourself? This chapter walks you through all the important aspects of self-compassion: self-kindness; sense of common humanity; and mindfulness. You also get to do some exercises such as the compassionate chair work, and applying the yin and yang of self-compassion.

Chapter 10: Building your self-esteem and self-confidence

You will learn about how to develop self-esteem; how to maintain self-esteem in a tough environment; how to develop poise and self-confidence; and the daily exercise to build self-confidence.

Chapter 11: Thought-person re-engineering

This chapter helps you to re-engineer your thoughts as a person. You learn about the model of the mind; how to change your behaviour; overcoming your blind spots or what you cannot see. You also learn about tools for dealing with challenges and stepping into glory; self-efficacy and to help you when you feel stuck; to break barriers or to ask for help; and the bull’s eye values survey.

Chapter 12: Empowering ideas to enable positive change

You learn about various ways to enable you to achieve positive change in your life. These include eliminating tolerations; using structures to create good habits; creative visualisation; using metaphor; increasing choice; experiments and failure; exploring multiple perspectives; sorting twisted thinking; and mirroring.

Chapter 13: Self-improvement

In this chapter, you learn about the importance of improving yourself; motivation as the heart of self-improvement; how to achieve self-improvement; when self-improvement becomes synonymous with success; and unlocking your self-improvement power.

Chapter 14: Improving the way you think

You learn about improving the way you think including techniques such as creative thinking; improving your memory; always think positive; exercising your brain; the beauty of mind mapping; radiant thinking; and turning your brain power on.

Chapter 15: The relationship road

In this chapter you learn about the art of loving; making the most of your singleness; parenting with emotional intelligence; relationship with parents, in-laws, friends, children, grandchildren, siblings, and other relatives; dealing with challenges in relationships; and you will also be able to be aware of how to identify and deal with abusive behaviour.

Chapter 16: When the healing is not happening

You learn about what to do when the healing is not happening, including taking a good look at your fears, moving from anger to acceptance, seeking spiritual healing, learning the value of patient waiting, and to be aware of blessing from pain.

Chapter 17: Peace above the storm

In peace above the storm, you learn about identifying the storms in your life and rising above them with a sense of calmness and peace. To help you weather the storms in your life, you learn about valued living, knowing your position, the benefits of meditation, and being patient.

Chapter 18: Pearls of happiness

It is acknowledged that happiness is something that you are, and it comes from the way you think. In this chapter, you learn about the forty five characteristics to help you towards happiness.

Chapter 19: Blueprint of the new and better you

Finally, you consider the attributes essential for the transformed you, towards becoming the new and better you. Some of the attributes discussed in this chapter include: love; emotional intelligence; maturity; empathic listening; leaning to think right; living one day at a time; relaxing; focusing on the bigger picture; inspiration; trust; living differently in your marriage; living differently with your family; living differently in your workplace; living differently anywhere and everywhere; living your purpose; keeping on growing; resilience; and maturity.

"LIFE IS ETERNAL, GENEROUS, and immense – like this rainbow, like this rain, like this springtime! The attempt to destroy this life is a great crime. To secure life by all means is the biggest joy of all happiness.

THOSE WHO ARE ABLE to feel the miniscule patience of the great life from the earth, from the farthest stars; those who deeply rejoice in this life, and who bless it, and who are full of thankfulness toward life, possess a true sense." - Svetlana Alliluyeva

THE ULTIMATE EXPRESSION of being fully human is to be open to the world within and without and to embrace all of life equally with reverence, humility and compassion. -  Dr Michael W. Fox

chapter 2

Common Issues Affecting People

"I f you are to be, you must begin by assuming responsibility.   You alone are responsible for every moment of your life, for every one of your acts." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

It is often said that coaching is not ‘remedial’, that its purpose is to help people lead satisfying and fulfilling lives. That is the theory. But the reality, as any practising life coach will tell you, is very different. People often arrive with problems, which may be the reason they sought out coaching in the first place. And in a business context, coaches find themselves working with clients with specific issues they want to sort out.

While everyone you coach is unique, with issues and concerns that are personal to them, you will find certain topics come up time and again. Exactly what you get depends upon whether you are doing corporate or life coaching – or a mixture of the two. But it is far from clear-cut. Personal issues often come up when you are in a company, matters relating to work are common in life coaching.

Some psychologists suggest a treatment in which patients should act as if a certain situation is true, even though the circumstances might reflect the complete opposite. If you are unhappy in your work, you need to serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men; if you are unhappy in your marriage you need to treat your husband or wife like you did when you were still dating or when you were first married; if you are struggling to forgive someone or yourself, act as if you have already done so; and if you do not like someone, or if someone does not like you, behave as if that person is your best friend. Such a lifestyle ensures that these positive actions can influence your whole life positively.

We have picked some recurring themes for discussion, to give you a ‘head start’ when they come up. But remember that you can never give any client an ‘off-the-peg’ solution. Skilled coaches, offer bespoke solutions by digging beneath the client’s presenting problem to discover and deal with deeper underpinning issues.

2.1 Procrastination

PROCRASTINATION IS the art of keeping up with yesterday and avoiding today. – Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Many people fail to get around to doing things, put them off or give up soon after they have started. It is a problem known as procrastination – and it is extremely common. Sometimes, it is so bad they seek out coaching to deal with it – perhaps because they recognise it is sabotaging their ability to achieve their goals and live their dreams. Other times it is hidden beneath issues that are more pressing as far as the client is concerned and may not even feature in their primary focus. By the time you get to session two or three you are starting to get a glimpse of it. Each week the client reports not having done his or her ‘homework’. Or they talk about issues they are having at work with tight or missed deadlines.

As with most problems there is no one cause and no one solution. You will need to ask lots of questions to discover exactly how they are creating it. Try not to have any preconceived ideas. Keep an open mind or you risk putting them in a pigeon-hole that does not fit.

However, you will find certain themes coming up time and again. Often people with this pattern have a perfectionist streak. They see all the flaws in things which make tasks seem more challenging. Because they want to get it ‘absolutely right’, they take a long time doing them – especially when they consider them important. Sometimes, they have a fear of failure or disapproval – which may operate out of conscious awareness – so they procrastinate to avoid criticism or feeling bad because things did not work out as well as they hoped. Occasionally, you will discover that clients have a low tolerance of frustration. Because they think a task is going to be unpleasant or boring, they are never in the mood to tackle it. And, sometimes, it seems so overwhelming they cannot see the point in even starting.

Ways of dealing effectively with procrastination

Encouraging the client to break large tasks down into smaller, more manageable chunks.

Actually getting the client started, even if they do not know quite what to do.

Asking the client to create structures and habits that make sure things move forward.

Getting the client to become aware of their underlying beliefs about failure and success.

Be careful never to label the person a ‘procrastinator’, as this can compound the problem. Once they start thinking of themselves in that way it can become a self-fulfilling prophesy: ‘Of course, I put things off, that is just the way I am!’

When your client thinks they can achieve what they set out to do, they are likely to do just that.

2.2 Stress

STRESS, COMES IN ALL shapes and sizes – and if you are a coach, chances are you will see a fair bit of it in your coaching sessions. It is now cited as the commonest reason for time off work and the cause of a host of conditions from depression to diabetes mellitus, and hypertension. Many people complain of suffering from stress but the problem is they mean different things – because it is such a subjective experience.

Some find it stimulating to have lots of things on; others shut down because they start to go into overwhelm. Some seize up, like frightened rabbits in a car’s headlights, when they have to sit in an interview; others savour the experience, enjoying the opportunity to ‘show off’. Some are stressed by seemingly insignificant events and experiences; others take everything in their stride.

Stress is a normal physical response to events that make you feel threatened or upset your balance in some way. Stress consists of a change, demand or threat. Secondly, how the stress is perceived and lastly, a stress response in the mind and body.

Stress is divided into two types: eustress or positive stress (that is, forward-moving, goal-oriented and achieves something, motivation, energy); distress or negative stress (that is, events that disrupt life and requires some form of action to resolve.)

Stress is also divided into two categories according to its level of severity: acute (sudden and intense such as a car accident); chronic (long-lasting such as in a relationship or illness),

Responses and tolerance of stress is influenced by the individual: perception of stress; internal resources known as frustration, tolerance or resilience; external resources such as finances and job security; ‘type A’ personality; and irrational thinking.

Stress is a reality of life, it is unavoidable, good and bad, constructive and destructive. In small doses it can act as a spur, boosting physical and mental wellbeing and helping people meet and overcome challenges. Too much stress, though, can take its toll – especially if it persists over long periods – leading to anxiety, exhaustion and sometimes health problems.

Typical stress situations include pressure, frustration, conflict and major life changes, such as divorce, moving house and switching jobs. Causes of stress in the workplace include: employees feeling out of control; management not showing appreciation; career concerns; unclear policies; feelings of mistrust and unfairness; change of requirements and procedures; random interruptions; workload (too much or too little); job insecurity; demotion; over-qualified or under-qualified for the job; working with aggressive people; deadlines and work pressure; long working hours and no sleep; remuneration or incentives; low morale; and work travel.

Stress can lead to burnout. Stages of burnout include: early arousal, stress resistance stage, and exhaustion and breakdown. Early arousal is usually characterised by irritability, anger, insomnia, forgetfulness, poor concentration. Stress resistance stage is usually characterised by absenteeism, fatigue, indecision, social withdrawal, resentment, indifference, defiance, alcohol and drugs. Exhaustion and breakdown stage is usually characterised by depression, panic attacks, chronic fatigue, and chronic stress related illness (heart attack, peptic ulcers, stroke, and high blood pressure).

If your clients report finding it hard to sleep at night, are suffering from headaches or stomach upsets, or their blood pressure is up, they may have a problem with stress. The secret to helping people deal with stress lies in finding out as much as possible about the problem – what situations evoke the response, when they occur, who else is involved, etc. the more fully understood, the easier it is to do something about it.

As with many areas of coaching, once they bring their conscious attention to what was previously out of awareness many clients find it easy to make changes that reduce their stress levels. These may be physiological, such as exercising more and eating better, mental, such not taking things so seriously, or practical, such as saying ‘no’ more often and delegating when that is an option. Some aspects of stress have already been discussed in Chapter 4, "Emotional fitness."

Stress management strategies and tips

TIME MANAGEMENT: Effective use of time maximises efficiency and productivity: set and prioritise long and short-term goals; regularly review and revise these goals; make daily to-do lists; set realistic timelines and deadlines. Subdivide major tasks and do one at a time. Utilise 4Ds – dump, do, delegate and delay. Maximise your prime working time. Avoid procrastination. Minimise schedule interruptions. Handle paper and materials once. Maximise commuting waiting time by reading, dictating, writing, returning phone calls, etc.

Physical fitness: Keeping your body in shape with regular exercise helps you deal with stress more effectively. Maintain healthy body weight. Schedule regular exercise time. Have routine medical check-ups. Get enough sleep. Exercise at least three times a week. Exercise with a friend.

Nutrition: Eliminate or restrict the amount of caffeine in your diet. Eat regular meals, especially breakfast. Eat lunch away from your desk. Have a balanced diet. Stop smoking. Limit alcohol intake. Avoid fast foods.

Relaxation techniques: Take deep, slow breaths to calm down. Use visualisation techniques to practise succeeding in anxiety producing situations. Listen to music. Look to change and introduce variety in your life. Write your thoughts and feelings in a diary. Schedule relaxing activities.

Restructuring the way you think: Change negative self-thoughts to increase self-esteem, successful achievements and productivity: Identify negative thoughts; practise changing negative thoughts and feelings to positive and developing new thinking patterns; maintain a positive attitude; avoid being the victim.

Assertion skills: Say no and do not offer excuses to justify your behaviour. It is alright to make mistakes. Be the judge of your own behaviour. Practise assertive skills at work and at home. Delegate responsibility to others.

Establishing a support network: Receiving nurturance enhances your ability to give, which creates a cycle of supply and demand. Do not be afraid to ask directly for help. Be receptive when support is given. Establish good communication channels with your support networks both personnel and professional.

Develop an action plan: The action plan should clearly highlight the area which needs improvement (such as nutrition, exercise, relaxation, beliefs or self-image, social support, organisational stressors, home stressors), the action to be taken, and the implementation date.

2.3 Self-confidence and assertiveness

SOME CLIENTS ARE ONLY too aware they lack confidence, either generally or in certain situations. Others come to coaching with a different problem but after a session or two it becomes obvious to them and you that the underlying issue is really about poor self-esteem or a need to be more assertive. There is a difference between assertiveness, non-assertiveness and aggression that it can be useful to discuss with them.

Assertive behaviour is ‘I win – you win’, with both parties expressing their feelings and thoughts openly and honestly while respecting each other’s right to do so.

Non-assertive behaviour is characterised by either not honestly expressing views, feelings and beliefs or doing so in apologetic fashion. It is driven by desire to avoid conflict, be liked and wanting to keep the peace. It is ‘you win – I lose’.

Aggressive behaviour is intimidating, controlling, demanding and confrontational. It is about ‘I win – you lose’, and no one else is considered to be important.