A Woman’s Guide Through Grief and Loss: “We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know”

By Betty Hill Crowson

How does one begin to maneuver through the multi-faceted maze of grief and loss? How are we supposed to feel? What do we do next? We don’t know what we don’t know. As much as we have learned and been taught in life, there has never been clear-cut directions, practical guidance, and hands-on support to get through a devastating loss. That is, until now.

We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know: A Woman’s Guide through Grief and Loss has been written to provide easily readable and relatable answers to our questions. Based upon her decades of personal and professional experience, author Betty Hill Crowson brings an entirely new perspective and clarity to the “work of grieving.” She gently guides the reader through a process of learning to differentiate and cope with widely fluctuating emotions, taking steps to get their feet back under them, paying attention for and disempowering the “shadow aspects” of grief, identifying and addressing old behaviors and responses that keep one stuck, and taking specific, doable steps to heal and to move forward.

Above all, Crowson offers hope that we will get through this. While grief and loss dramatically alter a woman’s life, they also provide opportunities for us to grow, to be of service to others, and to create something new and meaningful with what is yet to come.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Feb 22, 2022
• ISBN: 9781665552295

Betty Hill Crowson

Betty Hill Crowson LLC Founder of The Joy is in the Journey® Author Betty Hill Crowson is a popular and charismatic retreat director/teacher/life coach with an unusual ability to synthesize traditional and current wisdom-knowledge in an easily understood, practical, and doable form. Her women’s retreats and workshops under the trademark of The Joy is in the Journey® are highly in demand and reviewed as “life-changing” by participants. Betty is also the author of The Joy is in the Journey: A Woman’s Guide through Crisis and Change, and The Busy Person’s Guide to Balance and Boundaries. Betty currently resides in Western Maine. www.thejoyisinthejourney.com

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© 2022 Betty Hill Crowson. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 02/22/2022

ISBN: 978-1-6655-5230-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6655-5228-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6655-5229-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022903162

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Cover Art Bittersweet by Christine McFall

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter 1 Encountering the Gaping Hole

When faced with grief and loss, our feelings and emotions can be overwhelming in their severity and unpredictability. Chapter One highlights what we might initially expect so that we don’t get blindsided, and what we might anticipate as time goes on. It delineates an entire range of emotions as normal and natural responses to loss and encourages the reader to feel and accept them all, without judgment, apology, or self-criticism.

Chapter 2 Getting Our Feet Back Under Us

Loss throws everything off balance. This chapter outlines gentle ways and doable actions for us to nurture and support ourselves while getting our feet back under us. We are encouraged and shown how to develop greater self-care, self-compassion, and self-acceptance. Other influencing factors for recovering from grief are also emphasized such as where and how we find relief from our feelings, who supports and encourages us, and the helpful potential of spirituality or religion.

Chapter 3 Disempowering the Shadows

While feelings of deep sadness and being overwhelmed are to be expected during a period of grief and loss, other emotions such as anger, resentment, regrets, and guilt could easily derail us in their unexpectedness and intensity. This chapter outlines ways to identify, accept, and disempower these potentially troublesome shadow aspects of grief. It also clearly illustrates how past unhealed pain impacts our behaviors, our responses, and our ability to currently heal.

Chapter 4 Becoming Unstuck

Early parental and environmental modeling can affect our current capability to cope with and move through loss. Going through grief often exacerbates this tendency to fall back into and get stuck in old behavioral and emotional responses that no longer work and perhaps never have. This chapter outlines a better way. It clarifies critical factors for avoiding these potential self-saboteurs. We are also shown how to develop healthy support systems and work on forgiveness for self and others.

Chapter 5 Moving Forward

Our losses will always be a part of who we are. This chapter helps us find healthier ways to engage with their emotional impact so that we can eventually move from pain into acceptance. We are given suggestions to identify, address, and transform any stuck energy through the modalities of talking and writing, and the use of various rituals, creativity, music, movement, and spiritual or religious beliefs, all of which can help us honor our losses, while finding comfort in the process.

Chapter 6 Living in Acceptance

This last chapter provides the hope that we will get through this. It shows us how to continue utilizing all previous concepts and suggestions to help maintain our movement through grief and loss. We are encouraged to begin rewriting our stories, acknowledging that while our lives have been altered by loss, our pain and suffering have not rendered us less. We have become wiser, more compassionate, and have gained a unique ability to be of service to others that could be found nowhere else. We will realize that everything can ultimately be used for the good.

This book is

dedicated to the two women

who have been the most influential in my life:

My mother, who not only gave birth to me, but

who also was a powerful model of integrity,

versatility, and kindness. She raised seven

devoted children while managing to read,

write, paint, and create while doing so.

Elsie Wood Hill

8/4/1922 – 7/26/2007

Kathleen Duggan Wilson, the best friend

a woman could have had. Her prayers,

love, and support helped to birth me into

a new realm of living in 1978, a spiritual

consciousness in which I continue to remain.

Kathleen Duggan Wilson

1/16/45 – 12/22/2012

We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know

A Woman’s Guide through Grief and Loss

How does one begin to maneuver through the multi-faceted maze of grief and loss? How are we supposed to feel? What do we do next? We don’t know what we don’t know. As much as we have learned and been taught in life, there has never been clear-cut directions, practical guidance, and hands-on support to get through a devastating loss. That is, until now.

We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know: A Woman’s Guide through Grief and Loss has been written to provide easily readable and relatable answers to our questions. Based upon her decades of personal and professional experience, author Betty Hill Crowson brings an entirely new perspective and clarity to the work of grieving. She gently guides the reader through a process of learning to differentiate and cope with widely fluctuating emotions, taking steps to get their feet back under them, paying attention for and disempowering the shadow aspects of grief, identifying and addressing old behaviors and responses that keep one stuck, and taking specific, doable steps to heal and to move forward.

Above all, Crowson offers hope that we will get through this. While grief and loss dramatically alter a woman’s life, they also provide opportunities for us to grow, to be of service to others, and to create something new and meaningful with what is yet to come.

READER REVIEWS

"A Woman’s Guide through Grief and Loss is inspiring, relevant, important, deep, and LIGHT at the same time! Seasoned author Betty Hill Crowson reveals various aspects of the grieving process while safely guiding the reader through their own journey of healing from the inside out." Alexis C., Northfield, CT

This book is so important, especially right now with women facing all sorts of losses due to the pandemic. Betty’s supportive and empathetic approach to help women make it through grief and get to the other side is practical and achievable. I cannot wait to share this invaluable resource with my friends who have been silently suffering in their own grief. Bravo, Betty! You are an inspiration!

Angela D., Bayport, NY

"This is the most honest book I have read concerning the grieving process for women. After the death of my beloved husband only 13 months after my father passed, I completely fell apart. A Woman’s Guide through Grief and Loss gave me guidance and hope. I recommend it to any woman who has suffered a tremendous loss." Beth K., Easthampton, MA

A cohesive well-written book for women to navigate through current as well as past grief and loss. Betty Hill Crowson encourages her readers to recognize pain resulting from unaddressed and ungrieved lasses which may impact current grief. She shares heartfelt and personal insights, inspiring her readers to follow a clear path for a more joyous life. I will be going back to this book over and over again as a gentle guide to assist with unresolved issues. Deb E., Framingham, MA

Betty combines her deep wisdom, practicality, and personal experience to lay out a path for healing grief, both old and new. Her compassion and assurances throughout the book help ease any discomfort you may be feeling, while giving you the courage and tools to heal. Ellen G., Brevard, NC

Reading this book felt like I was on a nurturing retreat. Within these pages of hope, encouragement, and practical, doable steps, the voice of Betty Hill Crowson comes alive. I found myself frequently saying, yes, I can do that." Vicki F., Babylon, NY

Betty Hill Crowson has written a book that speaks to my heart. We all experience grief in our lives. Betty reminds us that we need never walk through it alone and provides useful tools to help us along our journey. Chapter Three on Disempowering our Shadows was especially clarifying to my own experience of grief and loss. This is a must read for anyone who has been or who is suffering from grief or loss of any kind. Sue S., Rochester, NH

Grief is so personal and heavy and overwhelming that you don’t know how to help your friend or loved one going through it. We have all been there, at a loss for their loss. What a gift Betty Hill Crowson has given the world with this book that takes the reader through a journey of healing and acceptance. Priceless. There is nothing else like it and it is now here to help us all! Ann L., St. James, NY

Betty once again has written a book which makes the reader feel like she is sitting down with us, in our time of need, like a trusted friend. It is filled with compassion and strategies for getting through all kinds of loss. Betty reminds us time and time again that while our own loss is unique, we are not alone; grieving is part of the human experience. Kelly M., PhD, Wayne, NJ

Betty’s rituals and suggested practices are so helpful in providing a path through your grief. She gives you permission to move at your own pace in a loving and gentle way. Beth B., Brooklyn, NY

Betty Hill Crowson walks beside her reader with remarkable insight, intelligence, compassion, and a seemingly endless supply of hard-earned wisdom. Every time I thought there couldn’t be more to learn, there was. As an emergency room physician with her own history of loss as well as a 30-year career of holding people’s hands through loss, grief and even facing death, I can tell you without hesitation that Betty has hit the proverbial nail on the head. It is an immense gift to the world that she has chosen to share this with us. Bev K., MD, Freeport, ME

INTRODUCTION

Times of grief and loss are, without a doubt, the most devastating and challenging periods of our lives. Not only can we feel completely undone and overwhelmed, but we can also be totally confused and anxious over what to do next. We just don’t know what we don’t know.

Many of us have no idea of how to grieve. Why would we? As women, we have undoubtedly been taught many things in life, but how much guidance or advice have we ever received on ways to cope with loss? When were we given directions on how to mourn? Who taught us where and the means to find comfort from emotional pain? Who showed us how to go through a period of grieving in ways that didn’t harm ourselves or others, and without us getting sick or staying stuck? Who has taught us how to heal?

When we don’t know what we don’t know, we typically muddle through the best we can. We do what we think we are supposed to do. We do what has been modeled for us in our families and in our society. We try to keep it together and to grieve perfectly, or at the very least, grieve well. All the while, we think to ourselves that we really should be doing better. We should be able to