My Words

By James Goode

Do you suffer from depression? Did you suffer from a distressing childhood? I am here to tell you, my friend, that you are not alone.

You try to catch yourself before you slip but you realize it is too late. I have a long history of depression, and nothing has helped me. As I got older, I had to face it on my own. I learned that I had to start living for myself alone and say no to depression. Figuring myself out and how to treat depression, I caught HIV. It triggered my depression to the extent that I isolated myself in the house for six months and lost everything!

During the time I had with myself, I got to know who I really was. I developed a relationship with God and realized everything was on his time for a reason. I had to find peace within myself to help me cope with my depression. I started writing my feelings out about my life and where it all began. My life has tormented me so much that at times I forget who I am. But I can say I fight every day and admit to what I suffer from, so I can feel comfortable with myself. We all have our problems but never let your problems define who you are as a person. You are loved and you are somebody.

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Feb 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9781647507107

Book preview

About the Author

James Goode is an optimistic, Richmond, Virginia native-born. He is a family man; a best friend and to some, he is their peace. James is the type of person who would lighten up a room not only because of his smile but his spontaneous personality which makes him who he is. He brings a lot of attention to himself when he walks into a room full of people because of the vibe that he carries. James is so full of life with great intentions. He is a very outspoken person with a sassy attitude and multiple facial expressions that he asks anyone not to hold him accountable for. People have lots to say about him, but James puts a lot of trust into people he knows and people he does not. His passion for people is to love and help them as his parents raised him.

Dedication

I would like to take this time to dedicate my book to those who are suffering from depression and for those who have been diagnosed with HIV. Together, as we hold hands and fight this phase in our life, remember only you can control your mind, your health, and your dignity. I stand with you once and for all. I stand with you when you are weak and cannot be strong. I stand with you when you are alone. I stand with you forever.

Copyright Information ©

James Goode 2022

Cover photo Credit: Alonda West

Barber/stylist credit: Marvin Woolley Jr.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher.

Any person who commits any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

All of the events in this memoir are true to the best of author’s memory. The views expressed in this memoir are solely those of the author.

Ordering Information:

Quantity sales: Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, and others. For details, contact the publisher at the address below.

Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication data

Goode, James

My Words

ISBN 9781647507091 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781647507107 (ePub e-book)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021925607

www.austinmacauley.com/us

First Published 2022

Austin Macauley Publishers LLC

40 Wall Street, 33rd Floor, Suite 3302

New York, NY 10005

USA

[e-mail]

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Acknowledgment

I am beyond blessed to have had God with me throughout this journey. When I decided to write my story, I asked God to help me get my book together. He was with me every step of the way and I am forever grateful for his presence in with me to have helped me to overcome my journey.

To the most wonderful parents God has blessed me with I would like to say thank you for everything that you’ve done for me and still are doing for me. Words can’t explain how much I love you guys. You mean the absolute world to me and because of God and you, you’ve helped me become the man that I am today. You are the most amazing parents to my siblings and to myself. I love you.

To my sister’s and my brother, I am honored to be your brother. We have been through way too much together but one thing that I can say is that we always stick together no matter what. I want to thank you for the love and support that you’ve shown me. I love you guys!

To my nieces and my nephew, I could and still can give you a million kisses! Anyone that knows me knows that I am very proud to have my babies in my life. I love being an uncle to you. I want to thank you for the love and the support. I couldn’t leave you guys out!

To my family and my friends, I can’t call everyone out individually, but I can say thank you so much for jumping on with me throughout this entire process. Everybody has shown me so much love and I appreciate and thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything that you do for me.

To the most beautiful best friends that I have, Amber and Kristin, I was very shocked when you ladies accepted me for who I was and for the lifestyle that I am living. You didn’t have to do that. Everything that I told you about me you’ve accepted it and I am overwhelmed with joy because of you two. You ladies helped me help myself and whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on you were always there. I love and appreciate you both genuinely.

To the Virginia Department of Health; The Henrico Health Department; Bon Secours Medical Group I want to extend my thanks to you all as well because without you, I wouldn’t be here telling my story. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and you guys will always and continue to be family of mine.

Preface

My story can help someone who is suffering from what I went through. From suicidal thoughts to severe depression, and now being diagnosed with HIV, I needed to vent to someone, and a doctor wasn’t a person in mind. I could’ve gone to a doctor but what was the point? A doctor only goes by information that was placed in writing in my cart, years ago from other doctors. They only know what they read; they don’t know anything about me but myself. I don’t think I knew myself until I wrote my story out. My story can help a lot of people out there suffering from what I went through. I overcame my own problems without consulting a doctor. The only doctor who’ve helped me overcome my issues was our Lord and Savior. No! I’m not saying he got me through it but he’s still helping me overcome some issues that I have. Every day, I hear or see different stories about children or adults my age, committing suicide or giving up on their health because they’re tired or embarrassed of what they have or are dealing with. You shouldn’t let the diagnose control your mind body or soul. If I got breathe in my body, I’m not giving up. I am not letting anything take me from here because I am a strong fighter. I’ve been through way too damn much to let an illness control my body. I control my body and you should control yours too! I am not happy with what I have but I am happy because I am stronger than who I was before. I get up every day and fight by taking my medicine. Other than God and myself, my medicine is my supporter as well.

Prologue

It was late night early morning, September 15, 2013. I sat with him and his sister, as her and I smoked a blunt. That’s when he decided to take a Percocet. We talked about everything and at one point, a story that I believe was directed to me, but no one mentioned my name. I took in a lot of information that night from him. He was so high; I didn’t believe he realized what he was telling me. The way he looked was as if he had a lot of hate toward the world but worse, toward me. His spirit went from being high to an evil minded individual. For as long as I’d been on this earth, I never saw anything like it before. The look on my face after hearing that he was in a long-term relationship with this guy who cheated on him multiple times and worse, the guy contracted HIV. With the voices in my head wondering, what have I gotten myself into, repeated itself and his sister looking at me with this face wondering if I was aware of what he was telling me. It almost made me sick to my stomach when he told he had to sell his body out on the streets just to get money to help him get back home to take care of his mother. After listening to him go on for so long, I looked over to my left side and it was like a mirror I was glancing at. If I could’ve seen my face, I’m sure it would’ve been pretty damn pathetic. I have never given anyone a disgusted look that way I did him that night because he kept asking ‘If I was alright’? A few minutes had passed by, and we then walked together to his room. From me to him (who gave me HIV), expressing myself and how I felt to you, you did not pay me any attention because you later asked me for sex. That night of sleeping with him, I had so much rage in me. I wanted to kill this guy because after doing all this talking, not one time did you ever mention that you checked out alright at the clinic. After giving him some make-believe sex, he then put his fingers in his mouth like a baby and darted off to sleep. On the other side of the bed was me crying my eyes out to God asking for forgiveness and asking for his guidance. I still didn’t feel right. I don’t know if it came from the many cigarettes that I’ve had smoked that night, but I felt very weird. I felt like I didn’t belong on earth anymore. A few hours later, the sun was up, and the birds were chirping. I was the only one up. I had packed my bags and as I was leaving out of his room, I turned around, not thinking it would be the last time I’d see him. Without a care in my heart, I walked out and never said goodbye. No kisses, no hugs. On my way home, there was no sound. I was in this world all alone. When I got home, I showered and slept all day. I had plans later to meet up with an old friend. I had fixed myself up and walked out of the door. As I was driving, I realized that it was starting to hit me. I maybe living with HIV. I have friends who have the virus and I watched them struggle from it. I just couldn’t picture myself in a situation like that. I didn’t want my friend to see me all upset and for me to tell him what was up. So down the road, I started speeding and speeding some more and on purpose, I tried to take my own life. I ran my car off the road, thinking I was dead. It made me angry when the car crashed into the tree, and I was still breathing. I couldn’t remember who I spoke with or what else happened that night. I had blacked out instantly and I didn’t know who I was speaking with. It was starting to hit me that I needed to tell my family what was going on. I was afraid to say anything to anybody because I didn’t know how everyone was going to react. The question that kept floating around my head that night was, how was I going to tell my family that I am living with HIV? Most importantly how were they going to take it?

Chapter 1

Birth Blessing and Blows

Sometimes you must give people a taste of their own medicine. The ones that think they know it all, knows nothing obviously. Everyone has had or still has their own opinion about my life, but no one wants to be brave enough to direct me about it. Instead they make fun about it. They have their own made-up stories and myths. Anyone knows me, knows that I love a good gossip, especially when it’s about me. I mean hey, I am the trending topic. I am a young gay African American man, and I am proud of it. But it’s very hard being a gay African American man, especially in America. I have struggled with my sexuality for years now. At one point, I was confused because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted. But once I found myself, I still have problems facing my sexuality sometimes. Like am I supposed to act a certain way around my father? I mean after all he’s still my dad but I’m always wondering what is going on in my dad’s head when he is around me. But my dad always has known me as ‘Lil James,’ let alone his son. I don’t know. I will never get it. In the mist of me trying to find myself, I was hurting people along the way including myself. I was never taught the birds and the bees. My parents never really had the sex talk with me. And no, I am not blaming them for my actions. I’m just saying, you know how people think. Anyhow, me being young and dumb, decided to sleep with a no good and landed myself with HIV. I’m not happy with the decisions that I’ve made but I’ve learned from my mistakes. I’ve learned that step one is forgiving yourself and it took me a while to make it to that step. My life is very complicated. And for all those that has something to say, sit back and listen to my story before you judge anything about me. Or am I too late?

I was born James Roger Goode III on December 18, 1989, in Richmond, Virginia. My mother and my father were together then. I was the second child to them. I had an older sister. We are a year and a half apart. We lived in a two-bedroom apartment with my parents. After my mother had given birth to me, that was the last piece to the puzzle. It made our family complete. As a family, we did everything together. Family trips and outings were all we did. Well not all. We traveled a lot, especially during the summer. As I started getting older, my sister and I were starting to get close. We shared rooms. We were each other’s backbone. But we didn’t sleep in the same bed. We fought a lot though but that was normal. Being raised by a strict mother who knew how to put a belt to your ass was scary enough especially when my sister and I use to fist fight. I’m not sure who taught me how to fist fight but shit, if you have or had a sister like mine, then you had no choice but to learn how to fight. My mother didn’t play with us, but my father was the one who we would run to when my mother wouldn’t let us have our way. I loved my father so much, but Daddy would tell me when I was wrong. My father worked a lot. He was the bread maker for us. My dad was a hard worker and still is. He didn’t want my mother to work. He wanted her to stay home and look after us and the house. My dad really didn’t care to have put us through daycare because he never trusted them. He felt comfortable with my mother taking care of us rather than someone else. My mother wanted to go to school to become a nurse, but God had given her other plans. My mom was fun to be around, sometimes. Whenever we were with our mother, we’d always have fun. As children, my sister and I had the world. My mother would have us Halloween parties and birthday parties. Our parents literally went all out for us. My father used to have a stereo in our living room. I loved music. So, when my parents used to sleep, I’d wake up and walk into the living room just to hear the music. I wouldn’t turn it up a little bit. I would turn it up so loud that everybody in the house would wake up. I think music runs in the bloodstream, especially on my father’s side. Not only did I love music, but my sister did also. My mom would have us out riding and if we hear a Patti Labelle song, my sister and I would listen to the song, then we would start to sing. My dad would laugh, and my mother would scream, Sing it babies! And we would scream as we sing. Although, if you asked me later if I remember or knew the song still, you won’t get an answer. Some days were not fun days in our house when it came to my parents arguing. It was starting to scare my sister and I because we would always think break up when we see them arguing. We would sit by our door and listen. They never knew. My sister would take her hands and she would cover my ears. One night, the argument had gotten worse, and I remember my sister reading me a book so that I would go to sleep. After a few more arguments, I started having temper tantrums. I would see how loud my parents would get and I used to think that it was okay for me to do it when I’m mad. I remember one day we were on the highway and my mom kept reaching to the back trying to hit me for something that I had did. Before you knew it, I had taken off my shoe and threw it out of the car window. Hearing my parents argue made me angrier because I didn’t want to see them fight. I noticed that the family outings had stopped. It was no more vacations. No more parties. My mother and my father had broken up with each other, leaving my mother very depressed and upset. She still took care of us though. They were engaged to have gotten married. But it never happened. Watching my dad pack up his stuff and leaving us made us suffer a lot. We didn’t