Effective Ways to Deal With Manipulative People

By AMANDA SMITH

Manipulation is the exercise of harmful influence over others. People who manipulate others attack their mental and emotional sides to get what they want. The person driving — called the manipulator — seeks to create an imbalance of power and take advantage of a victim to gain power, control, benefits, or privileges at the victim's expense. A manipulator will actively lie to you, make excuses, blame you, or strategically share facts about them and withhold other truths. In doing this, they feel they are gaining power over you and gaining intellectual superiority. 

I have divided this book into two sections. 1st section guides us on identifying the manipulative personalities, and the 2nd section leads us to how to deal with them effectively. Enjoy reading to explore the darkest part of the people and how to get rid of it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Amanda Smith
• Release date: Mar 22, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201317317

Book preview

PREFACE

It doesn't matter if it's the supervisor who claims to support you while undermining every opportunity that comes your way, the coworker who discreetly sabotages you to ingratiate himself with the boss, the spouse who claims to love you but seems to control your life, or the child who always knows what to do to get what he wants, the fact is that manipulative individuals are those wolves in sheep's clothing, as the old saying goes. On the outside, they may seem charismatic and charming, but on the inside they are always calculating and ruthless. Cunning and insightful, they attack your weaknesses and use clever tactics to gain the upper hand. These are people who fight tooth and nail for what they want, but do everything to hide their aggressive intentions. That's why I call them covert-aggressive personalities.

As a private practice psychologist, I began to focus on the problem of covert-aggression about twenty years ago. What encouraged me was the fact that the depression, anxiety, and feelings of insecurity that were, at first, the reasons why several of my patients sought my help, turned out to be linked, in a way, to the relationships those patients had. with manipulative people. I see not only the victims of covert-aggression, but also the handlers themselves, afflicted with anguish when their usual methods of getting what they want and controlling others stop working. My work has allowed me to appreciate how common and pervasive the problem of manipulative behavior is, and how much emotional stress it can cause in a relationship.

The scope of the covert-aggression problem seems self-evident. Most of us know at least one manipulative person, and it's difficult a day when we don't read in the newspapers or see a news story on TV about someone who managed to deceive or take advantage of several people, before their true character came to light. There is the television missionary who preached love, honesty and decency while cheating on his wife and deceiving his flock; the politician who, committed to public service, was caught lining his pockets; or the spiritual guru who managed to convince most of his followers that he is the incarnation of God while sexually abusing children and subtly terrified anyone who challenged him. The world, it seems, is full of manipulators.

While these more extreme wolves in sheep's clothing making the headlines catch our attention or pique our curiosity as to what makes these people seem trustworthy, most of the sneaky-aggressive individuals we'll come across in our lives will not be one of these characters. prominent. On the contrary, they will be subtly dishonest, traitorous, deceitful, and conniving people that we can work with, date, or even live with. And they can make our lives hell, for they make us suffer because we find it difficult to truly understand them and even more difficult to deal with them effectively.

When they do decide to seek help with their emotional distress, victims of covert-aggression often have little insight into what makes them feel so bad. They just know that they feel confused, distressed, or depressed. Gradually, however, they begin to report how to deal with a certain person in their circle of acquaintance makes them crazy. They don't really trust these people, but they are unable to pinpoint why. They get angry, but for some reason, they end up feeling guilty. When they confront bullies for their harmful behavior, they receive defensive responses. They are frustrated because they often find themselves giving in when they actually wanted to resist; they say yes when they mean no and get depressed because nothing they try to do seems to make things better. Lastly, Dealing with this person always leaves them confused, deceived, and hurt. After examining their problems for a while in therapy, these victims are finally able to realize how much of their unhappiness is a direct result of their constant but fruitless attempts to understand, deal with, or control their handler's behavior.

Although many of my patients are intelligent individuals who have a good grasp of traditional psychological principles, the ways in which they try to understand and deal with manipulative behavior get them nowhere. Also, some of his attempts seem to make things worse. Furthermore, none of the ways I tried to help them initially made any difference. Because of my eclectic background, I tried all sorts of therapies and strategies, and while they all seemed to help my patients feel a little better, none of them seemed to empower them enough to actually change the nature of their relationship with them. the handler. Even more disconcerting was the fact that none of the approaches I tried had no effect on the handlers. Realizing that there must be something fundamentally wrong with traditional approaches to understanding and dealing with manipulative people, I began to look closely at the problem, hoping to develop a more efficient method.

In this book, I would like to present a new way of understanding the character of manipulative people. I believe the perspective I offer describes handlers and classifies their behaviors more accurately than other approaches. I will explain what covert-aggression is and why I believe it is at the heart of most interpersonal manipulation. I will pay close attention to personality dimensions that are often overlooked by traditional perspectives. The framework I will develop challenges some of the most common assumptions we have about why people act the way they do, and explains why some of the most widespread beliefs about human nature tend to make us more vulnerable to manipulation.

Three are the aims of this book. First, I intend to make the reader fully acquainted with the nature of individuals with character disorders, as well as those with the distinctive aggressive personality trait.underhanded. I will discuss the characteristics of aggressive personality types in general and outline the unique characteristics of the covert-aggressive personality. I will present several examples, based on real cases and situations, that will help the reader to get a taste of this type of personality, in addition to illustrating the modus operandi of manipulative people. Being able to recognize a wolf in sheep's clothing and knowing what to expect from this type of person is the first step in avoiding becoming a victim.

Second, I intend to explain exactly how individuals with a covert-aggressive personality manage to deceive, manipulate and control others. Aggressive and covert-aggressive people employ a particular set of interpersonal maneuvers or tactics to gain an advantage over others. Familiarizing yourself with these tactics goes a long way in recognizing manipulative behavior when it occurs and therefore avoiding becoming a victim of such behavior. I will also discuss the characteristics that many of us possess that can make us vulnerable to manipulation tactics. Knowing which aspects of our personality tend to be exploited by a manipulator is another important step in avoiding falling into their trap.

My third objective is to outline the specific steps anyone can take to deal more effectively with aggressive and aggressive-covert. I will present some general rules for redefining the principles of engagement with these individuals and describe some personal empowerment tools that can help break the self-destructive cycle that one tends to get into when trying to control the manipulative subject. Using these tools makes it more likely that a victim will invest their energy where they really have power: their own behavior. Knowing how to act in a potentially manipulative situation is crucial both for making yourself less vulnerable to a manipulator's artifices and for taking greater control of your own life.

I have tried to write this book in a serious and substantial way, while being direct and easy to understand. I have written it for both the general public and mental health professionals, and I hope you will both find the material useful. By adhering to traditional hypotheses, schemas, and intervention strategies, therapists sometimes defend and inadvertently reinforce some of the same misconceptions that their patients harbor about the character and behavior of manipulative individuals. And it is precisely these misconceptions that end up inducing continuous victimization. I offer a new perspective in hopes of helping individuals and therapists avoid manipulative behavior.

PART 1

HOW TO UNDERSTAND MANIPULATIVE PERSONALITIES

INTRODUCTION

DISIMULATE AGGRESSION: THE ESSENCE OF MANIPULATION

A COMMON PROBLEM

Perhaps the following scenarios sound familiar. First scenario: a wife tries to resolve her conflicting feelings. She is furious with her husband, who insists that their daughter only get A, but doubts she has the right to be nervous. When she suggested that, given her own assessment of her daughter's abilities, her husband's demands were absurd, he replied, And shouldn't every good father want his children to do well and succeed in life? This rhetorical question made the woman feel that she was being insensitive. In fact, whenever she confronts her husband, she somehow ends up feeling like the villain of the story. When she suggested that there might be more to her daughter's recent problems and that they should seek counseling, her husband replied as follows: Are you saying I have a psychiatric problem? It made her feel guilty for bringing up the problem. She often tries to assert her point of view, but always ends up giving in to his. She sometimes thinks he is the problem, believing him to be selfish, demanding, intimidating, and controlling. But he is a faithful husband, a good provider, and a respected member of the community. By all rules, she shouldn't be offended by his attitude. Still, she resents it. In such a way, she constantly wonders if there is nothing wrong with her. But he is a faithful husband, a good provider, and a respected member of the community. By all rules, she shouldn't be offended by his attitude. Still, she resents it. In such a way, she constantly wonders if there is nothing wrong with her. But he is a faithful husband, a good provider, and a respected member of the community. By all rules, she shouldn't be offended by his attitude. Still, she resents it. In such a way, she constantly wonders if there is nothing wrong with her.

Another scenario: a mother desperately tries to understand her daughter's behavior. No teenager would threaten to leave the house and say things like everybody hates me and I wish I had never been born unless she was feeling very insecure, scared, and probably depressed. In part, this mother thinks her daughter is still the same kid who used to hold her breath until she turned purple or throw a tantrum whenever she didn't get what she wanted. After all, it seems she only says and does these things when it takes her a scolding or is trying to win something. But another part of that mother is afraid to believe that. What if she really believes what she's saying? she thinks. What if I really did something that hurt you and I didn't realize it? he fears. She hates feeling pressured by her daughter's threats and emotional outbursts, but she can't take the risk that the girl is really hurting, can she? Besides, kids just don't act like that unless, in fact, they're feeling insecure or threatened in some way, do they?

THE ESSENCE OF THE PROBLEM

None of the victims presented in the two scenarios above believed their gut instincts. Unconsciously, they were defensive, but consciously they had trouble seeing their handlers as someone on the offensive. On the one hand, they felt that the other person was trying to take advantage of them; on the other hand, they were unable to point to any objective evidence to support their instincts. And they both ended up feeling crazy.

But they are not crazy. The fact is, people fight pretty much all the time. And manipulative people are experts at fighting in subtle, almost undetectable ways. Most of the time, when they're trying to take advantage, you don't even know you're participating in a dispute until you're about to lose it. When you are being manipulated, it is likely that someone is fighting you for position, advantage, or profits, but in a way that is difficult to readily perceive. Covert-aggression is the essence of most manipulations.

THE NATURE OF HUMAN AGGRESSION

Our fight instinct is a close relative of our survival instinct. Almost everyone struggles to survive and thrive, and most of the struggles we have are neither physically violent nor inherently destructive. Some theorists suggest that only when this

most basic instinct is severely thwarted is that our aggressive impulse has

the potential to be expressed with violence. Others suggest that some rare individuals seem to have a predisposition to aggression – including physical aggression, despite the most benign circumstances. However, whether it is situations of extraordinary stress, genetic predispositions, learning patterns, or some other combination of these factors that are at the root of violent aggression, most theorists agree that aggression per se and destructive violence are not synonymous. In this book,