The Truth That Hides Behind My Eyes: I am Not Defined by My Story, But I am Shaped By My Truth

By Joselinn Wearren

Rejected by her biological father, raised by her step father and stripped of her innocence at an early age taught her to trust no one early. Married at 18 to someone 13 years her senior left her damaged and caught up in a domestic world win. Out in the world, she finds that life is not as easy as she thought it could be, but God had a few blessings in store. This book is based on true events and stories from Joselinn Wearren's life. This is an inspirational read and a story that can motivate anyone.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jun 1, 2022
• ISBN: 9781667846651

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Copyright © 2022 by Joselinn Wearren

Published by Bookbaby

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the author, addressed Attention: Permissions at [e-mail]

Cover design/Graphics: Kevin Wearren

Ordering Information:

For details, contact: [e-mail]

First Edition

print ISBN: 978-1-66784-664-4

ebook ISBN: 978-1-66784-665-1

Printed in the United States of America

The events in this memoir are real, as I lived and experienced them. I did

my best to describe all of the details and conversations as I remember them.

This book was started on January 6, 2018. Because it took me so many years to complete, some of my early chapters had to be elaborated on towards the end of the book. In this process, I wanted to keep my stories as authentic and as close to my truth as possible. I did not want to omit early chapters because, at that time, those were my truths. Also, every word in this book is my truth. However, names have been changed to protect the privacy and identity of others. Although I have tried to keep my journey in a chronological order, some of my life events bounce back and forth on the timeline. I pray this read blesses you as much as it has blessed me to write it. I learned a lot about myself during this process, and it was very therapeutic for me. I know, no matter what, no one should own my story but myself. My gift to the world is me, unapologetically me.

I dedicate this book to the four men who continuously are there for me no matter where I am in life: God, who will always reign high and come first; my loving husband, who has been my best friend and has shown me nothing but support throughout the years; Imere (my first born), for saving me in more ways than you will ever know; Kai (my baby), who has added so much laughter and joy to all our lives. I am so blessed and honored to be called wife and mommy—those are my biggest accomplishments. I love you all, and I am grateful for what every one of you bring to my world.

-XOXOXO-

"Your story is what you have, what you will always have.

It is something to own." —Michelle Obama

Table of Contents

Chapter 1. Introduction

I Open My Eyes

Chapter 2. Daddy and Curtis

A Message to Him

Chapter 3. The Summer Before the Move

Reflection

Chapter 4. School Days

My Slow Death

Chapter 5. Opting Out of Generational Curses

I See You

Chapter 6. Smith

Our Battle

Chapter 7. The Gift and the Curse

The Old Testament

Chapter 8. The Preshow

Flatline

Chapter 9. Mrs. Wearren

My Word is My Bond

Chapter 10. Inviting Curtis into My Home

I’m Running

Chapter 11. My Relationship with My Siblings

On Fire

Chapter 12. The Pandemic

My Journey Home

Chapter 13. Passing by the Mirror

The Forgotten

Chapter 14. Coming into My Own

Untitled

Chapter 15. Bonus Chapter

Francisco Strong

Acknowledgements

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Coming Soon…….

Chapter 1

Introduction

"THE KEY TO REALIZING A DREAM IS TO FOCUS

NOT ON SUCCESS BUT SIGNIFICANCE, AND THEN EVEN THE SMALL STEPS AND LITTLE VICTORIES ALONG

YOUR PATH WILL TAKE ON GREATER MEANING."

—OPRAH WINFREY

I always knew I would write a book. I knew it since I was fourteen years old when I had just finished reading my paperback copy of Milk in My Coffee by Eric Jerome Dickey. For those of you who have read that book, I know what you are thinking: What in the hell is a fourteen-year-old doing reading a book like that? Let me explain that to you. My cousin’s father is the one who gave me the book, and it may have been a poor choice on his part. However, he turned a child into an avid reader, so I have to give him some credit. Besides, my parents had no idea what the hell I was reading. My parents were so ecstatic to see me reading, I do not think it mattered too much on what the content consisted of. Their take on it was that I was doing something productive with myself, and I was, but I should not have been reading a novel like that at fourteen years old.

I was hooked after that first book. I started reading all of Eric’s books after that one. Then I found other authors in the same genre such as Omar Tyree, Zane, and Terry McMillian. When Sister Souljah’s book The Coldest Winter Ever fell in my lap, I knew from the depths of my soul that this is what I wanted to do. I wanted to come up with amazing stories with characters that were so relatable, you could vividly see yourself in the scene as you read. I wanted to bring to life a story that was not only relatable, but also had a message to give to the universe. It honestly felt like it was my calling.

When I say that I tried and I tried to create this masterpiece that lived within my soul, I honestly mean so. I must have written about ten unfinished copies of books that I have started writing and just could not finish for one reason or another. I mean these stories would start out so good and then I would get to a place where I would get stuck. I would always tell myself that this must be writer’s block in its finest form. It was almost like I gave these characters life and they all just died on me.

In my first few books, I tried to write urban fiction just like Eric Jerome Dickey and Sister Souljah. I wanted to get on the New York Times Best Seller list so bad, it has always been a dream of mine. I would base my characters on some of the people in my real life because I did have a few characters in my life, especially in my family. My family is filled with jokesters and even some real hard talents. I would just change their names and exaggerate their storylines a little bit. The shit was great, but not great enough to be on the New York Times Best Seller list. I would get halfway through the writing process and just run out of a damn story, or my plot would thicken too soon and then the story would get rather blah really quick. I had this great story in my heart, but I struggled bringing it to life. When I think of people like Eric Jerome Dickey writing his stories, I imagine him sitting down in front of his laptop and just writing without any hardships because he was so good at what he did. However, my struggle is real. In all honesty, I think I was just before my time. I was a teenager when I tried to write my first couple of books, and I may have had some harsh experiences already, but I had no real understanding about life or self. But that did not stop me from attempting to create this adult novel. It’s funny how I am realizing all of this now, because if I knew what the issues were back then, it would have saved me a lot of time. However, I guess it was great practice and experience.

For those of you who enjoy curling up with a good book, like myself, you know as soon as you read the first page of the book whether it would be worth your time or not. I am an avid reader, but I do not get caught up in the hype. If it is a story that does not swoop me in, then I am done with it. I am sorry, but I am not sorry. To me, a good story should not be forced on you. A good story will engage you, will make you feel like you are there in the setting of the book. A good story will have you using all five of your senses.

The book I started writing before this one was supposed to be an inspirational read. Hopefully, you can still find some inspiration in this one. It was supposed to be a mixture of my life story with quotes and poems and some great advice. Also, it was supposed to have a social media feel as you read these quotes and chunks of advice in meme form. I can picture it inside of my head, but it is simply hard to describe. I wrote about five chapters in that book, and then that came to a halt. I was excited about that one because I thought I had found my niche. I believed I was coming into my own as a writer. I stopped trying to copy an outline of someone else’s work, and I started creating. I felt like that book was the first time in all my attempts to write a book, that I was doing something that came from my heart and my own ideas. I just knew that this one was going to be the one. But again, I started getting writer’s block. My life was not in the best place, and I started feeling like I was being a hypocrite. How was I going to write a book being inspirational and giving advice when my own life was in shambles? Who was I to tell someone how to live and do things when I did not know how to live and do things right myself? I really felt like God was talking to me during that time, trying to tell me I had a few more things to learn before I was able to go there with the world. And He was right. Although I felt like I had a story to tell, and I knew in my heart my story could and would touch someone else’s life, I just didn’t think my story was complete in a way where I could truly give all that I had to give. I knew, when it was all said and done, God would align the atmosphere and my words would just come gushing out. It would just be pages amongst pages of words that truly came from my heart, created by me, written by me, and given to you by me.

A few years went by after that last book that I attempted to write with nothing. Just like many other writers, I also write a lot of poetry and spoken word, and in those years, I wrote nothing. I started living a routine life with my husband and two boys and just got so caught up in the day-to-day that my passion for writing kind of fell by the wayside. Did I still have a love for it? Of course, I did; I just felt so uninspired. I got to a point in my life where I felt stagnant. I used to find inspiration in any and everything, and I was not finding any at all. It was a little depressing for me. It is like that sometimes. Sometimes we hit a bump in the road to catch our attention, and then we must figure out what the hell comes next. What I learned through my experiences is that God will always show you the way, in forms or ways that you would not have imagined.

It is crazy how I came out of my rut. It was during a hard time for my family and me. Again, God. Only God can truly inspire you during a time in your life where you do not want to even be inspired. I lost my father-in-law only about a month before I started writing this book. We lost him the day before Thanksgiving in 2017, which was even more tragic for us. He had been going through some health issues, but it still came sudden and unexpected. I never in my life met a man like my father-in-law, Earnest. He was a man of few words. When I first met him, he was very intimidating. He did not speak much, he did not show much emotion, and I didn’t hear him say I love you often. I was very standoffish in the beginning. I did not speak much when I was around him. I am not a social butterfly to begin with—it takes time for me to warm up to people—but I definitely took more time than I wish I had to warm up to him.

As the years went by, I saw him soften. His humor became more visible and so was his heart. I watched him give my boys hugs and kisses and tell them he loved them every time we left his house, and that was a side of him that I did not see in the beginning. He was stern, yes. He believed that children should be respectful and stay in a child’s place. He inputted his opinions whenever he felt they were necessary. He was truly old school and not only regular old school; he was bred from the South old school. I am from Jersey, so when I say there is a difference between old school in the North and old school in the South, believe me. Children always have a way at melting your heart, and I have seen him melt in his own way over those grandkids of his. He was the definition of a family man. He was ridiculously hard working and dedicated to those he loved. He taught me one thing for sure. In his own way, he taught me that everybody does not have to see your cards. It is okay to leave some people guessing. However, the people you do show your cards to should be the people that truly matter. He gave all his cards to God and his family. I loved his life. I felt really torn when we lost him. My heart still breaks today, not only for myself, but for my children and family as well. I have seen so much of him in my youngest son. For the first few years of my youngest son’s life, they were so close. I just pray that my children have spent enough time with him to always carry Pawpaw in their hearts.

As you can probably imagine, after losing him the day before Thanksgiving, Christmas that year was something that no one was really thrilled about. We pretty much held it together for the kids because it did not feel the same. I think we all just wanted to be with each other, not to necessarily celebrate Christmas, but to just be around family who were relating to what we all were going through at that time.

With my husband’s family, the adults usually draw names for Christmas. We started that tradition about three years ago, mostly to make life simpler and maybe even cheaper around the holidays. Someone came up with the idea that we should send out mass text messages to everyone with a wish list. This list would have two to three items we would be interested in receiving from our secret Santa. Every year, since we started picking names, I never sent out a wish list. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year, but not because of the things I receive, but because of the things I give. I love shopping for other people and seeing their faces light up when they open their gifts. I love being surrounded by family. I love seeing my kids excited about their presents. In some way, I felt like a wish list was taking away from that and how the Christmas process goes. I thought that people should give you what is on their hearts to give you, and you should just be thankful for that. However, with the passing of my father-in-law and all the emotional baggage that came with that, I decided to just send out the text message that year with my wish list. I did not want to add any pressure on my family; we were all dealing with enough. There was nothing that I was in dire need of or anything that I wanted to have, so I simply went with a book. I have been really into that comedian Tiffany Haddish after seeing the movie Girls Trip. I had recently seen an ad for her book on Facebook, so I decided to send her book as my wish list item.

On Christmas day, to no surprise, I received that book from my secret Santa. My secret Santa turned out to be my sister-in-law’s husband, so the secret was actually up. I was appreciative. I always enjoy a good read, and I started reading the book as soon as we got home that evening from spending Christmas day at my mother-in-law’s house (Mama Gwen, before she calls me and gets on me for calling her mother-in-law). I read into the wee hours of the night, fell asleep at some point, and woke up and finished the book the next day. The book was that good. While reading her book, I felt like I was just one of her homegirls and we were chopping it up. Nothing about her book was formal. It did not go in a chronological order. I could hear her speaking every word in my mind, and it spoke volumes to me. It was raw. It was real. It was funny as hell, and she did not hold back. She spoke on things that a lot of us go through but are afraid to speak on because of what people may think of us afterwards. It was so down-to-earth and humbling. And I must admit that it was very inspiring. Yes, you guessed it! The day I finished reading her book was the day I started writing my own. I wanted to be nothing but myself in my book. I wanted it to reflect who I am and where I come from. I wanted it to show where I started and what I have overcome in my life. I wanted people to relate and know that they could overcome, too. I wanted it to feel like a conversation, like my girls and I were just shooting the breeze. It did not have to be outlined or thought about. It did not have to make sense to everybody. That day, I decided to just write. I didn’t know what it would be about or how much of me I was going to share. All I knew was I was going to be myself, and in doing that, I will share my truth unapologetically. I will not be afraid of people, I will not be ashamed of what I have been through and what I am still going through, and I will just feed off my own energy.

As I felt this realization overwhelm my heart, I