How to Keep A Werewolf

By Fiona Bowron

This is a humorous book which starts from the premise that there are many benefits to owning a pet, but acknowledges that not everyone is content with conventional animals such as cats and dogs. In fact, the very adventurous pet owner might prefer a pet that is so exotic that it technically doesn’t exist. This book suggests, therefore, that the reader may want to opt for a crypto-zoological or mythological creature.

The main problem with owning such an animal is knowing how to look after it. A brief glance through the local paper will reveal a startling lack of adverts offering baby bigfoots free to a good home, and there is little in the way of obedience classes for werewolves. What, you may ask, does one feed a baby Mongolian Death Worm? Is the giant squid a good choice of pet if you live in a penthouse flat?

This book gives a description of each animal, together with an assessment of its suitability for domestication, along with hints and tips on how to obtain and care for your chosen animal. Arranged in terms of dangerousness of animal, it is designed to be dipped into, so that the reader may quickly locate useful information such as how to remove the budgie from the jaws of a newly introduced pet sea monster, should the need arise. Armed with the information in this book, you’ll be ready to embark on the rewarding endeavour of owning your very own phoenix, dragon or bogeyman.

• Language: English
• Publisher: HarperCollins UK
• Release date: Oct 1, 2016
• ISBN: 9781911042709

Book preview

THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD: THOSE WHO HAVE PETS, AND THOSE WHO HAVE BEIGE CARPET.

Regardless of which category you currently fall into, the fact that you have bothered to pick up this book at all suggests that you already know there is something missing from your life – perhaps something with a wet nose and a furry tummy.

Owning a pet can enrich your life, and bring all sorts of extra dimensions to it that you probably hadn’t even considered. And that’s quite apart from the moulting.

It has been scientifically proven (by real scientists who probably ought to be working on something more serious) that owning a pet brings many benefits, and since they are described as ‘benefits’ they are definitely worth having.

Probably.

And we’re not just talking about the obvious stuff like having someone to talk to on a long winter evening (even if it is just the goldfish, who will most likely forget everything you tell it within a matter of seconds), but more serious scientific stuff, too.

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For example, it is now a well-known fact that pet owners tend to be healthier and less stressed than non-pet owners (at least if you edit out the times the cat wakes you at 3am because it fancies a snack, or the dog goes ballistic at your garden gnome for no apparent reason).

Those of us who have pets, naturally, have little need for such scientific vindication. We know instinctively that having a pet is just, well, right.

As humans we pride ourselves on our individuality, and of course this is reflected in our choice of pet. Some people want, say, a small furry animal that will sit in a cage and cause very little in the way of inconvenience (at least until it figures out how to get out of the cage). Others want larger animals like dogs or horses, so that they can enjoy the benefits of exercising in the great outdoors.

Others prefer cats – who are often only too willing to bring the great outdoors (or, more specifically, small, screaming, furred or feathered members of it) directly to you in your living room.

Perhaps you simply want the kudos of owning an exotic animal, but are unsure if your lifestyle can sustain regular trips out hunting buffalo with your pet. And then, of course, there are all the legal complications of having to obtain licences and permissions.

One way to avoid all this annoying paperwork is to choose a pet which, technically, doesn’t exist. At least not yet.

This is not quite as crazy as it may sound.

Let us not forget the Komodo dragon – a large monitor lizard that is now so well known that you can barely switch on the Discovery Channel without tripping over a wildlife documentary about it, but that right up to 1912 was considered no more than a myth.

And what of the coelacanth?

‘What indeed?’ you may ask.

This rather odd-looking fish was thought to have died out along with the dinosaurs. Despite scientists believing the coelacanth to have been extinct for millions of years, it was nevertheless rediscovered, alive and swimming, in 1938 (which was described by many in the scientific community as ‘jolly inconvenient’).

For the rest of us, however, it represents a perfect example of why you can’t always believe what they tell you.

There are many things still unknown to science. It should be noted here that just because indigenous peoples have talked of a particular strange animal for decades, lived alongside it, eaten it, or been eaten by it, that doesn’t mean it’s real.

No.

It’s only real if scientists have actually got hold of one, dissected it, and had their photos printed in serious and learned scientific journals, while holding up bits of said creature in a serious and learned sort of way.

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Up to that point, it remains a myth. A myth which may, nevertheless, carry you off screaming in the dead of night, but still just a myth. This should be of some comfort to your family as your cries ring out through the darkness, and they hastily divide up your possessions before the myth returns for a second helping.

Science is adding newly discovered species to the catalogue all the time, and we’re not just talking about the kind of stuff that is only of interest to taxonomy geeks – like insects with an ever-so-slightly different wing arrangement to their cousins.

Look at the Dracula fish, for example, which scientists assure us doesn’t actually suck blood (mind you, if you happen to come across one of these while out swimming it’s probably best not to put this to the test).

And as recently as 2014 they discovered a cartwheeling spider (who wouldn’t want one of those rushing wildly towards them across the kitchen floor?).

So the point to all this is to get in quickly and choose your unknown-to-science pet before the authorities catch on and start insisting that you need a licence for it.

This is the bit where we introduce the science of cryptozoology. Of course, serious scientists will probably tell you that cryptozoology (the study of hidden or unknown species) isn’t a science at all, but merely a bunch of hokum spouted by the ill-informed and the mad.

At which point we will simply remind them of the coelacanth, and smile smugly.

The main problem with owning a cryptid (the technical term for one of those supposedly mythological animals) is knowing how to look after it. Take a look in your local paper and you won’t find many ads offering baby bigfoots free to a good home, and there is little in the way of obedience classes for werewolves.

What, you may ask, does one feed a baby Mongolian death worm? Is the giant squid a good choice of pet if you live in a penthouse flat?

Whatever your own preference, this book will help you discover the best pet for your lifestyle, together with handy hints on how to obtain and care for your chosen animal.

Arranged conveniently in accordance with your attitude towards excitement, adventure and bandages, the book is designed to be ‘dipped into’ so that you may quickly locate useful information such as how to remove the budgie from the jaws of your new pet sea monster, should the need arise.

Erm…which, of course, it won’t, because sea monsters are well-known for their kind and loving nature. Well, most of them are. OK, one or two of them might possibly try to eat you, but only if you provoke them, and frankly if you can’t take a joke maybe you should stick to goldfish.

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CRYPTIDS

FOR THE

BEGINNER

DIP YOUR TOES INTO THE WATER…BUT BE

PREPARED TO PULL THEM BACK OUT A BIT

SHARPISH IF YOU SEE TEETH.

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BLOBS, OR GLOBSTERS, AS THEY ARE SOMETIMES KNOWN, ARE CURIOUS MARINE CREATURES THAT WASH UP ON VARIOUS BEACHES AROUND THE WORLD.

It has been suggested that the blobs offer proof of the existence of sea serpents. Experts, however, frequently dismiss them as nothing more than the rotting carcasses of sharks, or (if the experts are